IMKRZY Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 I have been married for 18 years. During this time I have caught him cheating on me three times with different women. I am certain that there have been other women that I had not discovered. I have forgiven him all three times. I love him very much and can not seem to let him go. He makes lots of promises and seeks counseling every time. This July, I found out that he has been calling numerous women. He has also been texting them and sending pictures back and forth. He swears that he has not had sex with any of these women. I do not believe him. But I cannot prove this. What I can prove is that one of the numbers he has been calling is to a woman that he had a previous affair with. This affair lasted about two years (what he states). This woman lives in another state. We moved about 4 years ago to a new state. Apparently they have been in contact for about 2 years now. She was not married when they had thier affair back in 98. She is now married. Since we moved my husband has been back to the state we lived numerous time. The last time was in May 08. When I checked the phone bill there were numerous call and texts for the time he was there. He says he never saw her that they just talked on the phone. He also says that in July she called him to tell him she had a miscarriage. Apparently she has been trying to have a child with her husband and is having a hard time conceiving. He swears that it wasn't his since he never had sex with her. I am beside myself. We have gone to counseling again. We are trying to save our marriage. I am going through so much right now. Old pain from his previous affair with this women and new pain from his "affair" with her now. I want to talk to this woman and she will not speak to me. I want so bad to tell her husband. I have his phone number. I have picked up the phone numerous times to call him. I don't know what to do. Any advise will be greatly appreciated.
Amybeth Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 I am new at this too but I would say that you need to tell him there can be NO more contact with her at all - zero tolerance because if there is a opening for him he may do this over and over again for years (sorry). You can tell your H if he wants to stay with you NC must be the policy. Also tell him that if there is any contact you will tell her husband as he has a right to know also. In counseling tell him that you have a right to see all his phone records as that is the only way you can restore trust (when there are not more calls). Good Luck
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Tell her husband - the sooner the better. I would make darned sure you had some rock solid proof before you do though, and something printed and documented to show him. Otherwise, he is likely to let his W gaslight him into thinking you are some sort of psycho.
misternoname Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 My STBXW had 4 affairs over the course of 20 years. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but past actions very accurately predict future behavior! If you decide to stay with him be prepared for future cheating on his part. Each time I became suspicious of my wife a pattern developed that became disgustingly predicatable... 1. "you're crazy...I'm doing nothing. Stop being paranoid." 2. "He's just a friend...we've talked maybe a couple of times." 3. "OK...so we met for lunch but nothing more." 4. "We went out for drinks...big deal." 5. "OK...fine...yes he kissed me but I told him I couldn't go any farther." 6. "Yes...I can't explain the emails, text messages where we discussed how hot the f***ing was. I'm busted...I'm sorry, etc etc." Get the picture? Cheaters NEVER admit to anything until you have hard evidence. I can almost guarantee your husband was the father of the baby. Don't be a sap like me. I stayed way too long. Fortunately I've finally moved on. Set his butt on the curb unless you're comfortable living this way...it won't change :-(
2sure Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 First of all, you are not crazy. By now you have read many different viewpoints posted on this site. I am also a BS, and most of our stories are similar. People here will tell you that you should just leave him. I for one believe, so far, that there are several things you can do to overcome infidelity and attempt to save your marriage. The good news is that from what you say, it sounds like both yourself and your husband want to stay married. Often that is not the case. So, now you two have to come up with a plan of action that works because so far it hasn't. Thats because so far you have done nothing. Trust me, I know from experience, that doing nothing doesnt work. Now, as in the past, you are the only victim of this behavior. You are the only one affected by the pain and consequences. It stays on your mind, not his. Talking, MC, etc. is all only for you and does not put your H in your shoes. His actions have changed nothing for him so he isnt going to change. UNTIL THE CONSEQUENCES ARE HIS, HE WILL NOT REALIZE HIS ACTIONS ARE NOT HARMLESS. Even if he loves you. So, honestly, you have to buck up and give him consequences. You have to contact the OW's Husband. Invited by your H, she is now a part of YOUR life. She has put out the welcome mat for you to enter HER life. Since your husband cannot solve the problem, you can help him and your marriage by doing this. As of right now, as a matter of recovery, you and he have to come to terms with the fact that he no longer has privacy regarding cell phones and email. You have every single right to have access and passwords. The fact that you cannot trust him and have to do this to secure your marriage is a pain and it his problem. I know it will anger your husband to contact OW's Husband. But the alternative is doing nothing and losing your marriage. If possible, get the cell phone bill showing the dates and #s for the texting and calls and send them to him. You will be doing everyone involved a favor and you will no longer be the sole victim.
jwi71 Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 1) Most certainly call the OW's H and tell him. Tell him to check his W's cell phone...and its bill. Ask for his email and forward any emails you may have to him. He will not believe you and will need proof. 2) Look, I'm a BS (Betrayed Spouse). And MC has been great for us. A real eye-opener and it has changed my behavior and hers. And from what you say, the MC isn't working. Either find a different counselor or find a lawyer. And, I hate to say it, I don't think he will change. There is a point where nothing else can be done. I half agree with 2Sure. It sounds like one of you wants to save the marriage. And that just won't work - you're living proof. He has exhibited a pattern of behavior that MC (or at least your current MC) cannot solve. He is unwilling to change. He still cheats and lies and has no regard for you. How many times can you go and cry and plead and exhibit the pain and consequences of his A in MC? And have him not change. I will disagree with myself (I'm too lazy to go and edit my post)...forget MC. Find a lawyer and kick the heartless SoB to the curb. The best revenge is success and a happy life with a man that truly loves you - go get it for yourself. EDIT- Its early and had a bad typo...
DealingWDrama Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 Um, yes...call her husband...call her and tell her you are calling her husband to ask about the phone calls and text messages...then call him.
redfathom Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 We are trying to save our marriage. Not to be Mrs. Negative, but there is in reality no WE in your statement. Just an "I". You are trying to save your marriage and you have been for years and he is taking advantage of that. HE is not trying to save your marriage. If he was he wouldn't be calling other woman and he wouldn't have cheated on you numerous times. What you want to do is have her husbnad end the affair because you can't. That is why you want to tell her husband so he will put a stop to his wife contacting your husband. I am very sorry for what you are going through. I know your name is IMKRZY, but really you're insane..in the sense that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Break the patten and stop torturing yourself. I can't tell you what you should do, but I know if it was me I would leave. Eventually you will run out of the strength to forgive and to carry the burden of what your husband has done to you and your marriage. Best of luck!!
pkn06002 Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 Can I ask a question Why do you want to stay married to him? Other then the standard "I Love Him" answer. Because you know what if he has cheated on you this many times, he sure does not love you. I am saying his from the WS point of view. You don't go out and cheat over and over if you care for your spouse and are happy. Why do you both want to work on your marriage? Have you asked that simple question.
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