markyboy1983 Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 I was posting in the break up section, but I guess it's passed that now. I'm not gonna tell u my whole story ( if u wanna read it go to the break up forum and look under "just ended it" from markyboy.) In a nutshell, my GF and I just broke up witihin the week. We're still texting and talking but it is killing me. One day we're BF/GF, the next day were not talking. Bottom line is I tried staying busy with work and my buddies, but I just can't stop thinking about her, no matter what. The only thing that helps me get my mind off of her is drinking. I have never been a big drinker, and in fact I never really liked it at all - it makes me naucious, but for the past week it is the only thing that keeps me sane, even though I know it is probably makes it worse. Anyone been through this drinking to get over an ex thing? Is it OK to do it for a week or 2, to help u get over the initial pain, or is it completely not right. p.s. I've been a member of this site for about a week and it has helped a lot, even though I'm a metal head who never likes to share his feelings or show any type of emotion for fear of being called an "explitive." The stories on this site make me feel like I am not alone. After all of that, my main question is about the drinking. Is it right, or wrong, or in between? p.s. I wrote this in the break up section, but I'll say it here too. I'm gonna compile a list of good metal/rock songs that might help people through their tough times. No offense to those sappy Celine Dion/Kenny G type stuff - which I have been listening to for the past week- but I wanna get some "sappy" heavier stuff (LOL), for people like me who would rather that. I'll get it up as soon as possible.
Ronni_W Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Mostly it's that drinking to dull or deny one's feelings just doesn't work, and comes with the added risk of one becoming addicted. I know how tempting (and comforting) it is to consume/engage in sense, mood and mind-numbing substances/activities. But, when you get sober (whether in 24 hours, 24 months or 24 years), you're still gonna have to deal with the crap that the booze is helping you avoid right now. And not dealing with it, just means it'll be contributing to more and more crap as you go. So basically, while it might feel helpful and purposeful during this 'transition phase', it is actually deeply self-sabotaging and can bite you in the ass big time. For you iPod, does Bob Seger count? -- Famous Final Scene.
MichiganMan222 Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 I definitely try to avoid drinking because its too tempting to go overboard. Yes, it takes the edge off the pain, but there's two things I hate most about it (the potential for addiction notwithstanding); when you have a hangover, not only do you feel emotionally destroyed but physically as well, and that seems to make me feel like an even bigger piece of s**t. Also, you have a tendency to drunk dial, or drunk text the ex (or worse) and that just makes the big-picture even harder to deal with. Now I don't stop drinking completely, I just don't adjust upward according to the pain. In fact I had 3 beers tonight just for the hell of it. But getting hammered to mask the heartache is BAD NEWS.
Author markyboy1983 Posted October 30, 2008 Author Posted October 30, 2008 In a completely (somewhat) unrelated topic. I'm 24, and my brother was murdered when he was 18 (I was 16 at the time.) I feel that I am having a harder time dealing with this break up, than the death of my bro. From the little I remember about my coping with that mess, was that watching TV helped me through it. I would watch stupid shows like Jerry Springer or some BS, but it helped me. Now after this break up, watching TV wont take my mind off of the break up. WTF? Obviously, my bro's death was way more traumatic. Why does this feel so much harder? PS I know there are no psychologists here, but I would not mind an answer from a "non-proffesional." I feel like a ********* for letting this get to me more than the death of my bro. Maybe it just happened so long ago (2000) that I have blocked it out, but I still feel so so guilty for letting this get to me, more than Ben's (my brother) death.
MichiganMan222 Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 This may be way off base, but perhaps with your brother's death you conceded that it was final and had instant closure, whereas with the breakup your anxiety is coming from from the feeling that it can be reversed. I would seriously suspect its not a reflection of the importance of the people you lost.
Ronni_W Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 It's also that you now have more developed senses with which to understand the loss and grieve for it -- "maturity" allows us to feel our losses more deeply, and react to them with a greater range and intensity of feelings. Similar to you, my dad died when I was 13. But I didn't become a drunk until after my first relationship ended, some 5 or 6 years later. For me, though, I think it was also that I hadn't fully accepted (grieved for) my prior loss, so everything just felt that much more strange and traumatic when I "lost" my b/f. Based on my own experience, I might put it this way: Ben's death was more impactful, but your psyche processed it differently...in a way that wasn't so traumatic on you that you couldn't cope with it at the time. With this loss, you have more developed coping skills, so your psyche doesn't have to lessen the traumatic impact quite so much. But also, there is a cumulative effect from Ben's death. ( Is this making any sense?) I am sorry for your losses.
BikerBeagle Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 The only thing that helps me get my mind off of her is drinking. I have never been a big drinker, and in fact I never really liked it at all - it makes me naucious, but for the past week it is the only thing that keeps me sane, even though I know it is probably makes it worse. Anyone been through this drinking to get over an ex thing? Is it OK to do it for a week or 2, to help u get over the initial pain, or is it completely not right. After all of that, my main question is about the drinking. Is it right, or wrong, or in between?I can't say I've "been through" it ...more like "still going through" it, so maybe I'm not the best person to give advice; however, whatever it takes to get you through a particularly bad time or allow you a couple of hours of sleep at night can't be a bad thing. The problem is, you aren't really 'dealing' with the pain so much as 'hiding' from it. Eventually, you are gonna have to face it ...sober and in the right mindset ...or it will never go away.
kizik Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 As far as drinking goes, I stayed away from it, intentionally, during those crucial and initial 3 or 4 weeks post-breakup. Once you've got your emotions under control, go ahead and party - but always acknowledge whether you're drinking to drown your emotions, or to celebrate them.
ahhhchooo Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 I got drunk a lot after my break up. I didn't leave the house much either. Drowned myself in alcohol and online video games. Once I got really tired of this and decided my best bet would be to be more socially active, I suddenly realised I seriously, 100%, didn't have anywhere to go or anyone to turn to. It makes me feel like it's just easy for a girl to pack up, move on and trade boyfriends. Because meanwhile, I realised I have nothing to offer while I am this sad lonely guy and that isn't attractive to a girl. That thought is not going to make it easy to trust another girl. I personally wouldn't mind taking a nice girl and trying to make her willing to trust again. I just see it as totally opposite with guys. Girls want a guy who is upbeat, positive, successful, attractive and confident.. etc. Guys just want a nice ass and one who isn't so shallow as a puddle.
kizik Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 You're not sad and lonely unless you think you are. Happiness is a choice. You're right, girls want an upbeat guy, and I want more than just a nice ass in a girl. Personality, intelligence, etc. Anyway, try not to be cynical or bitter, it does not suit you.
skinman Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Well I went through a similar thing when my first marriage ended 20 years ago and I know for a fact that you are heading down the wrong path my friend. I was drinking 16 hours a day for months on end and believe me once you get to a point it no lonegr helps but makes things worse. I grieved my marriage for many months that if I wasnt drinking i probably would have been feeling better quicker. Look at it this way alcohol is a depressent so why would you want to take a depressant while being depressed ?. Think about it all it will do is make things worse for you. I am going through a separation after 15 years of marriage and its the hardest thing I can do is to not let the alcohol take over my life again. your in my thoughts and prayers and best of luck....
dazedandconfused2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 When i first separated from my husband a year ago i did the drinking thing. Its a quick fix but all it does is prolong the pain. Its a recipe for addiction. Me and my ex were on again off again and finally we have become broken up for good as of the past two months. Im also 8 months pregnant now. Which in a way is a blessing because it forced me to face and embrace my pain head on with a clear head. I was pregnant, alone, and with five kids. People will tell you to go out and do something...keep busy...i say do what you need to do first and if that means having a bathrobe life for awhile then go for it. In time you will want to go out and try and do certain things. What i did to face my pain head on was to listen to our old sappy songs and cry it out. I went to those places we used to go to, drive down memory lane. Ya it hurt like hell...but its been two months now and i can listen to those songs without getting choked up...or go places without feeling that pain inside. Ive accomplished so much in a couple of months than i did when i was trying to run from my pain in over a year. It takes strength and time and a lot of tears(it lessens)...and thats what we all carry inside waiting to be pulled out and used. Were all on the same road as you and keep your chin up.
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