honeybee2 Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Hi All, I am new and this is my first post. I really need advice. Here it goes... I was with this man for almost 3 years. We met through friends and were friends first. he had a gf at the time and when they broke up we got together. Things were great for a while. We have basically lived together since day1 but officially lived together the past 1 1/2 yrs. We share the same group of friends entirely. Over the past 2 years, my drinking became out of control. Our relationship suffered. Our house is the go to house were everyone hangs out. We are never alone. When I tried to get him to give me alone time and he didn't i would get wasted and then flip out after I was blacked out. I felt bad and guilty most days after our fights so I would placate to him in every way hoping he'd get over it. He admitted he would be mean to me in hopes i'd learn my lesson which would cause me to drink that night. It went on like this for a while. I felt neglected and he felt abused. When we moved into our new place this past August, things were rocky but on a trial period. After a fight he said he was done. This is the same day i decided to get help and stop drinking. I have not touched alcohol in 7 weeks. And I have realized what i have done and had to change. Now, I am doing this, we had slept together a few times and silly me thinking it'd be okay. I thought we were back together. When I got upset about affection he said he gives up. Since then things have been crazy. He wants me to be his friend. It is really hard for me. it's like he wants his cake and to eat it too. Ifeel like when I am nice he gets what he wants, but when I try to keep my distance he says I am being mean. I have tried to get answers out of him because I love him and want to be with him, but he says things like don't you understand how much you hurt me, I did try, it's not easy for me either, I am enjoying me time. But says things to like what can I do to make it better, i want you in my life. He has stayed out and I try not to show I am upset, and when I do it he asks and gets upset. (I didn't tell him, but at least I didn't stay over another girls house- he told me where he was after the fact, but I am still suspicious) It makes me feel he is playing the fence. If so, why would he get upset when I do it? I have asked if he sees a future for us together and he responds "I dont know." I just don't know how to make this situation better. I want to be with him, but I don't want to get strung along. I want him to think I am not on hold and can move one, but when I try to do this I get kind of mean. I want him in my life, but not only as a friend. When we are friends I get my hopes up and he is very nice. When I try to keep my distance I get an evil streak and he gets angry. I can keep going on, but I'll stop for now...
lofi_tokyo Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Its not mean to keep your distance with him, he broke up with you! He is getting his cake and eating it too, when you and him be friends, and hes getting selfish telling you you're being mean not talking to him. Does he have no consideration for your emotions? Clearly not. He says he "doesn't know" if you and him have a future. You're broken up. So probably not. He just said that so he didn't hurt you, and he said that to keep you as a friend, or keep you as a backup. I know this from experience. Do your best to go NC and begin healing. If he wants you back, he'll move mountains to get you back. Until then, you deserve better.
Geishawhelk Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 You need to put a great deal of distance between you and this guy. He's not at all good for you, and is manuipulative and jerking you around big time. As you are determined to stay off alcohol, you are particularly vulnerable right now. Whether on purpose or unconsciously, he is playing upon your weakness and being actually, quite abusive. Please try to find somewhere else you could go, if only to let him know that if you remain under his influence, things will just get worse and worse. No living under one roof, No contact, no joke.
Author honeybee2 Posted October 29, 2008 Author Posted October 29, 2008 I wish I could do the whole NC thing. I mean we live together and have the same friends and our house is the gather house. If I am out everyone always comes back to my place anyway. I go out come back and him and friends are chilling, I go out with my friends and he's there. I just want to watch tv in my living room, he's there. And when I am short with him he tells me I am being mean. And when am nice I get upset. I mean, i asked him to be honest and he just dances. I want the for sure truth, so I can move on if that's the case. He also says things like you don't thinkit hurts me and its easy for me to move on? Then walks always saying (sad and dramatic "sigh" "he thinks about things that could have been") He also said when I am not nice I am being immature and unatrractive. WTF My friends and other roommate have also expressed their concern because I was being mean. Ugh! He likes to play that blame game and I did too, but since my sobriety I have noticed that doesn't work. Hr likes to turn things around it seems to prove himself right. he won't even say he broke up with me. I am really scatter-brained right now, and I hope this clarifies.
Author honeybee2 Posted October 30, 2008 Author Posted October 30, 2008 Gosh damn it. I did it again! So tonight it was just the 2 of us at home, and I I tried to keep my kewl, but that feeling oif having to know came up. He has been talking to an old friend who is going through a divorce and he stayed there the other night and he said he slept on the couch. (its a female) And in the past few days, he has been texting her in front of me. And I might add from another souce the texts seemed flirtatious. So I asked... Are you pursuing her and he said no. I want to believe him but I also think he might be lying. Once again I have made myself look weak and he knows he has me. How can I keep from giving in or looking pathetic. I feel like if I act like I don't care it will worry him but I keep asking silly questions. We have alot of path crossing and moments of just the 2 of us living together.
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