NoIDidn't Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Gotcha. Thanks for reflecting that it's reading as controlling. NoIDidnt: I recant my story! Now, I have been told I'm controlling by you! Seriously. I'm not telling my guy my timeline! No no no. This isn't an ultimatum. And it may be a little flexible. I'm just trying to protect my heart a bit and worry about not having a boundary. It's an internal thing. I'm 43 years old. Still attractive and dateable. The best years of my life are ahead of me. I don't need to get married today, or even next year. I've never dated a married or separated man before. But that's almost irrelevant in this context. If I was dating a single man, I'd give it about 2 years to move towards marriage. If it didn't, I'd cut bait. So just because he's married, doesn't mean I should let his timing completely control our R. Besides...this one keeps talking about marrying me. If he actually means that, then he's gotta start the D first. *playful sassiness* Put up or shut up! *smiles* 2 years seems really really fair. Now THIS is the WS I have come to enjoy on the boards. LOL. And you are soooo right. Just because he's married doesn't mean that everything has to be on his time. I am glad to hear that you will allow some flexibility with your timelines and that its not an ultimatum - not that I ever thought you would issue an ultimatum. He didn't tell you that you were controlling when you guys were at war, did he? LOL.
Author wildsoul Posted October 30, 2008 Author Posted October 30, 2008 He didn't tell you that you were controlling when you guys were at war' date=' did he? LOL.[/quote'] Your honor, opposing council is badgering the witness! :lmao:
jj33 Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Gotcha. Thanks for reflecting that it's reading as controlling. NoIDidnt: I recant my story! Now, I have been told I'm controlling by you! Seriously. I'm not telling my guy my timeline! No no no. This isn't an ultimatum. And it may be a little flexible. I'm just trying to protect my heart a bit and worry about not having a boundary. It's an internal thing. I'm 43 years old. Still attractive and dateable. The best years of my life are ahead of me. I don't need to get married today, or even next year. I've never dated a married or separated man before. But that's almost irrelevant in this context. If I was dating a single man, I'd give it about 2 years to move towards marriage. If it didn't, I'd cut bait. So just because he's married, doesn't mean I should let his timing completely control our R. Besides...this one keeps talking about marrying me. If he actually means that, then he's gotta start the D first. *playful sassiness* Put up or shut up! *smiles* 2 years seems really really fair. Very very smart indeed. This idea that people should separate and plan at that time to marry the OW with whom they have never had a free and open relationship is crazy. Even though you know each other you are essentially starting at square one again. Facing square one issues like the one you are going through now. If youd met him a month or so ago right after he moved out you would be going through the same issues.
NoIDidn't Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 If youd met him a month or so ago right after he moved out you would be going through the same issues. Exactly. This is the number one reason why I tried not to date guys coming out of relationships within a six month period. Unfortunately, I didn't follow my own advice into marriage as we were BOTH fresh out of relationships when we started dating. So I can empathize with the issues that you are facing. They aren't insurmountable, thankfully.
Reggie Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Sounds to me like his attire and latenss were designed to send a message' like maybe he is not all that into you. Why else would he do this? Clearly, it was deliberate.
MizzBlue72 Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Bravo - don't call/write/ text him!!! LET HIM contact you. It will hurt, but put the ball in his court.
BettyBoop Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 She got very upset at him not wearing his wedding ring (so I take it that maybe this week was the 1st time he showed up with out.) Sounds to me like she has no clue he is having a g/f. Otherwise she would not be surprised by this...sounds like it will be/is emotional torture for this woman. And frankly, he sounds pretty cruel in his behaviour if this was her reaction - she doesn't seem to know the things she should about him.
frannie Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 I think that having an internal time-frame about how long you're prepared to wait for action has to be a good thing for an OW. These things drag on and on and on. The thing is, it's not that easy: you have to balance knowing what's going on (don't want to be hoodwinked that he's not actually divorcing after all!), but you don't want to get involved with basically pushing him and what looks like scheduling it for him around his work commitments. This is about the ending of his marriage, with all that that entails, and it just might not go according to anyone's expectations or plans, even if it happens at all. Argh, who would be an OW? But all that aside, I actually wanted to comment on a few things that made my gut do a little bit of a flip. Basically because your sMM reminds me of one of my exes. The first thing is something others have commented on plenty: the fact he'd agreed to turn up at a certain time and dressed appropriately, and he did neither, and then caused an argument about it and tried to put the mockers on the whole event. This is something my ex did ALL the time. It took me ages to realise what he was doing because at first I thought that they were genuine arguments happening at inconvenient times when something was important to me. They weren't. It was all part of him being in control of everything. Second: you're already questioning yourself about whether you were out of line in asking him to wear something appropriate and complaining about him being late. He was late, and he should have apologised, so don't question yourself. Yeah, you may have a tendency to want to be in control yourself (I certainly do!), but that doesn't excuse his passive-aggressive nonsense, capped off with storming off and refusing to answer his phone. Then, when he finally called and talked all lovingly he 'excused' his behaviour by saying you weren't his sweet and sexy baby. Got to laugh at that one. So you have to be a certain way or he's going to act out? And the third red flag for me is this: the way he's talking weddings already. The man only just took off his wedding ring, he's not even talking divorce with his W and he's discussing where you might get married. This is classic, again. My ex was the same (not talking about MM here, just to be clear, he was a SG); I'd only known him a few weeks and he was pushing for wedding bells and all sorts. I'm not meaning to be alarmist, and I don't like to do online 'diagnoses' of people I've never even met. But if you check a few places online which list the warning signs of controlling (and I hate to say it, abusive) people you will see that he's ticking a few boxes.
2sunny Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 i honestly don't think his wife has a clue as to his supposed "intentions" of permanently leaving her... or she wouldn't have flipped out about his wedding ring. she probably thinks that he's just taking time away to "think things over." no wonder he hasn't actually filed for divorce. you are still his secret and he is still playing you for the fool. you could call her and allow her to understand the truth of all of this! the fact that he expects you to act as his sweet, sexy baby at all times - even when he's being a total a$$ is ridiculously over the top!!!! the more i think about that - the more it makes me mad that he has such double standards for his requirements to be reasonable with you. why don't you set your boundaries and be firm with him! tell him - this behavior and the circumstances are not what i consider "happy" for me! then back away for a long while. he has a lot of work to do on himself if you two are ever to consider a healthy relationship. you deserve better than this WS... he's beginning to look like the jerk he's always been - he's just showing it to you more clearly now...
jj33 Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Noone knows what is going on in this guy's mind. All we know is he is acting out and grappling with whatever it is he is thinking. Similarly we dont know what is going on with his W. He may have been straight with her when he left and it has just hit her, he is no longer wearing the ring. Everyone goes through phases of acceptance, denial anger in whatever order it happens for them. Its not surprising his W is "giving him a hard time" I have never been divorced but I would think there are very very few people who get through it with total grace and dignity even if they KNOW that its over or have known for 3 months or however long. There may be times when they express their disappointment to the leaving spouse. Its all part of the process. So I wouldnt be so quick to jump and say he lied to WS and he never told his W. We just dont know. That does not excuse the H's behavior towards WS but why panic WS. The story has yet to unfold fully. And its hard enough waiting and wondering. The answers will be known when they are known. In the meantime, chin up WS. Thoughts create reality. Believe the best. Some will say it leads to great disappoitnment but if you are holding your boundaries expecting him to come through and do the right thing then there is a greater chance that will happen then if you assume the worst. And if the worst is true that will be clear in time as well.
2sunny Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 WS- just wondering if you've heard from MM... more than that wondering how you're doing?
Author wildsoul Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 WS- just wondering if you've heard from MM... more than that wondering how you're doing? He called Thursday morning, after our Tues night fight. He came over that night and we've reconnected since then. I'm doing alright now, thanks for asking!
pelicanpreacher Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 Hmmmmm! This guy has repeatedly spoken to you of his grandiose plans for a future wedding yet he couldn't care less about the importance you placed on 1 freaking date-night? I think you may be putting too many eggs in this nut's basket because he is a basketcase waiting to happen!
Author wildsoul Posted November 5, 2008 Author Posted November 5, 2008 Just a quick addendum to report that I had invited my SM to 2 parties over the weekend. For both, he showed up on time, in a good mood, and dressed appropriately. He was sociable at the parties and my friends got on well with him. So while that doesn't excuse him been an a** on Tuesday, it shows that he wanted to make ammends and do right by me after our fight night. He's been a doting angel ever since...as he should be.
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