Shattered After a Fight. Need Support Today.

[GreenEyedLady]

1. Yup, sure am.

 

2. Nope. H and I were done. We were done for years but weren't divorced.

 

3. OM didn't want to be with me not because of H, but because he didn't want kids in his life (he wanted me to be a 'weekend only' parent) and he couldn't handle the cancer. So, he left.

 

4. I didn't get back with H until nearly 8 months after OM broke things off.

 

The problems I mentioned in the prior post took place when things were on track for the divorce. Of course, everything changed...

 

You can't say that you loved the OM with all your heart either can you? (Don't blame you, I recall he had a ONS with his neighbor?)

 

You didn't say anything in your post about loving him at all. That in and of itself is telling.

 

When people love each other, they put the other's wants and needs above each others. The OM apparently did not do that for you either.

 

So separated or not when people love each other, they try not to hurt each other. They don't go around with the attitude of, "They'd better be grateful because I did x, y and z for them." That's not equal. And it's not love.

 

And if you were done with your H, you wouldn't have gotten back together with him. Your R changed, but your story with him wasn't over.

[GreenEyedLady]

Thank you, GEL. I was hoping you'd chime in. I would LOVE to hear your take on this part:

 

I cannot abide the abandonment w/o calling thing. I'm a good GF in that is someone wants a bit of space, and lets me know that it's not a relationship problem and that they'll be back, I can chill out. I have other things to do. But I need them to handle that communication very clearly, e.g. "I'm going home, but let's talk tomorrow." or whatever. Abandoning me is not only rude and disrespectful, but for me personally it really triggers some trauma-level of pain. I can't be in a R with someone who doesn't fix that behavior.

 

 

I might have already reinforced (by my calling him) that he can abandon me and that if he really wants space, all he has to do is turn the phone off. This is the first time he's ever done that to me. It needs to be the last.

 

So GEL, given the importance of this topic to me, do you still think that ignoring his calls (when he does call) is the best response. It does sound a little bit like a game to me, but I'm more about effectiveness than anything else. Seriously, I cannot tolerate this avoidant behavior. And what happens later? Do I bring this issue up directly or not? What do you think?

 

Right now you need to ignore his calls. It sends a signal that you're not desperate and that you think his treatment is unacceptable. Men often don't realize what their actions do to others. It is not until they actually FEEL what it's like to be hurt in a certain way, that they can relate.

 

I personally did the no callback tack. It is very hard. You want to pick up and talk to them so bad, but this actually hurts your cause. It is not until they understand that it's not all about them, that it becomes all about you two, the couple.

 

You should bring the behavior up because it sounds like a dealbreaker to you. And you should never apologize for your needs. It's your right to advocate for yourself no one else will.

[pelicanpreacher]

Your MM showing up late dressed down in kahkis and an old polo shirt when he knew well in advance that you had prepared a special evening was a test to determine whether he could manipulate you or not. His goal here was to subvert your plans for no other reason than to see if he could. The fact of the matter is his manipulative ways are no longer working well with his wife and this has raises issues of contention and resentment in their marriage which is one of the reasons for the unsaid lack of passion between them. Presenting this manipulative behavior to you in this manner was his way of searching you out to determine whether or not you are more suceptible and, therefore, more compatible to his true nature. Though its been largely hereaforeto hidden, it is out in the open now!

 

I'd have to say that in your response you handled this test poorly all the way down the line!

[2sunny]

WS-

 

let's stay on track given his history. you asked for certain attire - he agreed - then was dismissive to your request. not nice or respectful.

 

he picked the fight on purpose to get out of going when he knew it was important to you. was dismissive again of your priorities and plans. not nice or respectful.

 

he up and left in a huff restricting any further communication to resolve a simple issue at that moment. not mature, definitely selfish and self serving, disrespectful with total disregard for your feelings. this is not loving behavior. loving behavior shows best when there are tough times and the person continues the loving behavior, not selfish, ugly behavior. he is just supportive and kind to you when things are smooth - runs away like a baby who didn't get his way when things are tough - even punishing you on the back side by not calling or accepting a call to find resolution.

 

is this the life you want with a man you say you love? this is what you will get when you both are faced with ANY adversity. believe me my xH loved me as much as he was capable of loving anyone... but he was still all the things your SM is portraying at the moment. it is an emotional roller coaster and is designed to keep you in your proper place (according to his requirements). test him - you'll see. do something you know he is not thrilled about and what will he do every time? piss you off so he doesn't HAVE to participate, thus getting what he wanted all along which was NOT to do your request to begin with. it's VERY passive aggressive... designed to appear as though you have done something wrong instead of him.

 

i doubt he will own the harm done in this case (but he should - he set you up with a purpose, otherwise he would have come dressed appropriately). YOU and your wishes and your happiness was not the priority. HIS will always be the priority.

 

i still stand by my prior advice given a few months back. step away from the SM until his divorce is FINAL. he is still in a lot of turmoil and you are getting caught up in it too.

 

IF you choose to enter the picture after he is finished with his marriage then he MAY be emotionally more ready than he is now. to stay with him now will only create CHAOS on a regular basis to your life. he has a lot of emotional healing to do and it needs to be done without any distractions... otherwise you will only be the target for his anger each time these little tiffs happen while the divorce is moving along.

 

i wouldn't call him and i wouldn't answer his call at least for a while. sort through your priorities for your own happiness and then allow him to understand your boundaries for happiness with perfect clarity when you deliver these guidelines to him. allow him to understand that your priorities and happiness is NOT up for negotiation.

 

at this point he will get scared and beg... don't give in. this time apart will allow you the clarity to see what the future holds. good luck honey.

[jj33]

Actually WS I did what GEL was saying while I was seeing MM and it worked well. It meant we were apart on 2 occassions for a 2-3 weeks when we neednt have been but I felt better because I was sticking up for myself and he got the message.

 

But had I not done it he would not have known that I was serious about how I expected to be treated. It was a big adjustment for him. But he learned. And he respected me more for it.

[OpenBook]

Isn't this the same dude that only a few short months ago, we were warning you to protect yourself from? WildSoul, WTF are you doing??!?? He's a psycho with a horrible temper to boot. These kind of people are vampires of the soul. Run - do not walk - to the nearest exit. And then (after you're safely away from him) sit down and really try to figure out how he got to you. He has a terrible dark side to him that he cannot (and does not want to) keep a lid on - and you're completely blind to it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. You can't say that you loved the OM with all your heart either can you? (Don't blame you, I recall he had a ONS with his neighbor?)

 

2. You didn't say anything in your post about loving him at all. That in and of itself is telling.

 

3. When people love each other, they put the other's wants and needs above each others. The OM apparently did not do that for you either.

 

4. So separated or not when people love each other, they try not to hurt each other. They don't go around with the attitude of, "They'd better be grateful because I did x, y and z for them." That's not equal. And it's not love.

 

5. And if you were done with your H, you wouldn't have gotten back together with him. Your R changed, but your story with him wasn't over.

 

1. I did love him with all my heart. He f*cked it up though.

 

2. That's because I look back now and compared to what I feel and know now, I didn't love him like I thought I did. I care for him, but love love him? I know now what love is, and what we had wasn't love - not by a longshot. Going from one R directly into another was a really dumb idea - he was coming out of divorce depression and I was separated. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Absolutely doomed.

 

3. You are right, he didn't. I am grateful that I can see that clearly now.

 

4. Dating a separated (or married) person is not the same as dating a single one, and trying to apply 'single' rules to a S or M person will fail every single time. A separated (or married) person will have a certain mindset whether we like it or not - because of the static between emotional compartments. Trying to deny it, or demand that they act like we think they should, or trying to 'teach them a lesson' - is doomed to failure.

 

Being with a separated person is like walking an emotional landmine. Sometimes they do hurt you. Sometimes they don't. They may test you to see how you will react to a certain situation, and then overreact when you handle it a certain way.

 

When STBX pisses them off, they compare him/her to OW/OM in an unfavorable way. When OW/OM pisses them off, they compare him/her to H/W in an unfavorable way. Their behavior is a direct reflection of the pressure that their heart is under in trying to disengage from one situation, while getting themselves into another, and trying to balance and preserve a certain sense of freedom that comes from being technically 'free' again.

 

5. H and I were done with each other. We led separate lives, had separate relationships with OP, and were merely waiting out the 'year and a day in separate residences' time period before we could divorce. We got back together after rediscovering each other through a difficult time. It wasn't a matter of picking up where we left off. We had to start from scratch, basically. Had it not been for that difficult time, we would have divorced as planned and continued to move on with our lives.

 

Wild, being with this guy right now won't be easy. It won't be a basket of roses for a long while, in fact. I'm not trying to hijack your thread - but I hope that some of this will give at least some insight into what your S man may be feeling.

 

I think his dressing down and being surly was a passive aggressive way to back out of a situation he wasn't wanting to be in. Perhaps at that moment, being with you in that way was too much of a 'couple' thing for him to deal with, or maybe he saw how much it meant to you and simply couldn't handle the pressure. Maybe it reminded him of something his W did once. There is no way of telling why he did it. It was a terrible thing to do to you. I would have been FURIOUS. I can completely understand why it upset you. I am not in any way trying to make excuses for him, because his behavior was inexcusable - but... looking into it deeper might at least shed some light on the situation.

 

You can seek to understand a situation without excusing it. Perhaps that might be a starting point: let SM know in a calm way that you were hurt, that what he did was inexcusable, but that you are here to listen in an objective way (with no outbursts or anger) to why he did what he did. There may well be something he wants and needs to tell you but doesn't know how without starting another relationship war. If he is being this passive aggressive, I can guarantee you he has something to say - and the only way he is going to let you into his heart to hear it is if he feels he can do so without threat or anger. You may well be dealing with the emotional ghost of his W who probably didn't really listen to him or hear what he wants to truly say - and he may be mapping that anger onto you and 'testing' you to see what happens.

 

Remember: do not excuse what happened. Do not apologize for being upset. You are right in this situation, he is not.

[greengoddess]

Wildsoul I'm curious did he leave his marriage on his own or did his wife throw him out because of a dday?

 

I can not imagine being with an adult who I had to tell how to dress. Seriously, you knew you had to dictate how he dressed. He's that disrespectful to himself and others that he doesn't know the proper dress for the occassion? Find an adult not a little boy who throws temper tantrums and can't even dress properly.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

WS,

 

I completely agree with 2Sunny and OpenBook. As much as I would like to be wrong about this, your guy seems to be a manipulator. He has shown you how he reacts when the going gets tough and he doesn't get his way. Do you believe that the way he reacts is going to change? It sounds pretty deeply ingrained.

 

I believe the talks of the future are also a manipulation of sort. Doesn't mean they are not happening, but he's getting filled up by your reaction to his promises.

 

The night you planned was a gift to him (as well as the two of you) and HE couldn't accept that. He wasn't in control. Test it if you care to, but men like this can appear to give, but cannot receive. When this all blows over, YOU talk about future plans, YOU initiate intimacy (with out sex) and watch him crawl out of his skin. YOU make plans and see if he is overjoyed because of your love and attention. Yes, he wants to be adored by you, but how does he react when YOU are making yourself happy by giving to him.

 

Glad you and your friend got to share the night together. Hope your day gets better.

[GPFan]

So if his process is speeding up, maybe he's going to test me/us a bit. Maybe he's just more tense. Where we left off last weekend was swoony fabulous, so I actually felt more secure--enough to be able to complain about last night's lapse w/o thinking it would wreck us. But I didn't know about the fight with his W.

Hi wildsoul,

 

Now that he is showing you more of who he is, are you prepared to walk on eggshells for the foreseeable future?

[NoIDidn't]

Last night, I got tickets to a performance for us. I was really looking forward to getting dressed up and taking him to a swank restaurant and then the event. To make sure he understood how I wanted our date to go, I called him early in the day to discuss what time for him to arrive and requested that he wear a nice button-down shirt. He said okay, and that he might arrive a little earlier. Fine. I was all excited.

 

He arrived 30-min late, wearing an old polo shirt, khakis, and a baseball cap. I was really disappointed, waiting for him to explain why. Nothing. Then I started feeling agitated and embarrassed because I was all dressed up and didn't want to be seen with us looking like the odd-couple. I'm not usually shallow, but he burst my fantasy bubble on the night I'd planned over 2 months ago.

 

When he didn't acknowledge the lateness or attire, I got terse and complained that, "We are 30-min late and don't think we have time for dinner now. But you're not dressed appropriately for the place I was taking us too anyways. Why did you tell me you understood the time and agree to wear something nice, then show up late in a tshirt?"

 

And then it turned into WWIII.

 

I haven't read the other responses yet so I could give my own answer without jumping on a bandwagon of sorts. Bear with me.

 

The part that I bolded was your first mistake. NEVER tell a man how to dress and what you expect, if you did it in the tone that I read in what I bolded. My first reaction to it was "controlling, much?". The inquisition about the shirt is what led to the war, though.

 

You asked for advice, so hear me out.

 

All I hear throughout this message is "me, me, me, I, I, I". You got the tickets. Did he even want to go? Was it ever his idea to go? You had expectations of what you wanted to happen. Did you give him the chance to say what he wanted? This is where the problem came in for me. There doesn't seem to be any consideration for what he may have wanted, anywhere.

 

In truth, he probably dreaded this date from the moment he got the call about how he was expected to dress. Honest. I used to do the same thing to my husband, and had the same subsequent wars. Even the argument with his wife probably stemmed from his reluctance about this date.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming you for the sitch with his W. Just saying how it could all be related - without him even being totally aware of his own behavior. I have done the same thing you did here and gotten the same results. I have told my H what to wear, and he rebelled not wearing it. I have given him the 5th degree over ignoring my *request*, and he told me *what for* as a result. So I am not blaming you, just telling you I know how you got here.

 

My advice: buy him a nice shirt for such an occasion and present it to him when he shows up late and inappropriately dressed. Make it seem like you were planning to surprise him with it because he would look sooooo good in it. And don't forget to let him pick where you eat since you were allowed to dress him. You gotta give him some ownership in dates, gotta consider what he may want too. Or buy a flack jacket for the coming WWIV.

[NoIDidn't]

I never did address his lateness.

 

That's a deal breaker for me, every time.

[NoIDidn't]

For some reason, I didn't read the OP's name right and thought I was dealing with a new poster.

 

Ignore my first post on this thread. I haven't read the other thread that WS has about other bad behavior, so I can't comment accurately.

 

Sorry, WS.

[wildsoul]

Thank you everyone! I'm always surprised by the outpouring of support here.

 

I'd like to address each of personally, but I'm short on time and need to get some work done today. Instead, I'll give a quick update.

 

Last night, I avoided calling him by calling my girlfriends instead. Overwhelmingly, everyone told me to chill out, lighten up, and let to. So between LS and them, I resisted temptation and left him alone.

 

This morning he called, but I resisted the tempation to answer. I was working on a project, and it wasn't a good time for an interruption. An hour or so later, I called him back.

 

He had a nice tone in his voice. We were gentle with each other. After a few pleasantries, I asked him if there was anything he wanted to discuss from our fight the other nite. His response was, "Not really, I let that stuff go." So then I told him I had a couple things to clear up, so we could move on.

 

I owned up to the fact that greeting him with a complaint didn't seem to go over well, and while I think my complaint was valid, I wished I'd have handled it better.

 

He sighed and said that he felt criticized, when he was already worn out from a difficult discussion with his W, and criticism is a hot button for him anyways.

 

I said that I noticed that he was acting like a teenager, rebelling against ME, but that it wasn't fair that it was overflow from him feeling controlled by her. He agreed that he was all worked up feeling controlled and acting out. He said that he really wanted to go on our date and was looking forward to it, but then when I was upset (and not acting like his fun sexy girlfriend) it set him off.

 

I decided not to belabour the point, but it was perfectly obvious that his late arrival and attire (khaki's, polo shirt, baseball cap) were indeed him acting and dressing like a teenager! It's very clear that he was rebelling against me from the get go, and that he created a self-fullfilling prophesy of getting me upset by setting the stage for it to happen. I suspect that he also wanted a fight to blow off residual anger.

 

Immature? Hell yes. But hopefully we did get it clear that if he's got issues with his W (or anything in his life) it would be a LOT more productive to let me know what kind of mood he's in.

 

He shared some things about what's going on with him and his W too. It's not nearly as far along as I'd hoped. His strategy has been to move out, then not go home long enough for her to wake up and realize that he's serious about the separation. She is now starting to panic. She got very upset at him not wearing his wedding ring (so I take it that maybe this week was the 1st time he showed up with out.) But he refused saying they are separated now. Then she begged him to come home and reevalute their marriage next year. He said, "We are reevaluating now. Why would we wait? It's happening now." I can see how her denial is thick as mud, but I also see how he lets her keep some hope instead of pulling the trigger.

 

End of story is that he and I are on track. I've got my own timeline starting to form about when I think he needs to start his D papers (January seems right to me.) Meanwhile, I'm trying to stay off his back and watch what he does about his marriage. As long as he stays seperated, and not going back home, then I'll stay out of it as much as I can. Together, we'll have to sort out how to handle the conflicts. If too much of their stuff spills over on to me, it's not going to work. If I get too mixed up in his process, it's not going to work. Yet I need to hear some updates on progress. He's promised that he will spend most of the holidays with me. I'll bet you a million dollars that he hasn't told her that yet.

[whichwayisup]

but then when I was upset (and not acting like his fun sexy girlfriend) it set him off.

 

So basically, you have to act like a good little woman and not piss him off, not upset him, not ask him to please dress appropriately for any outings, etc..etc so that all will go well between you two. Hmm..

 

It's not nearly as far along as I'd hoped.

 

And that explains his behaviour most of the time, he's not lying to you, but he's definately not letting (or hasn't been) you in on what is truly going on. You also aren't there to hear their conversations, who knows if he is giving her slight hope - ANY bit of hesitation from him WILL be taken as 'hope' by her.

 

As I said before, the timing is wrong and he day to day can handle you, ON HIS TERMS, but as for weeks and months ahead? No way.. HE is not ready for a relationship and if you allow yourself to stick around by his side, you'll be hurt badly. Again, this isn't anything to do with love its' about timing and how right now is the WRONG time for him. Especially since things at home are not as far along as you once thought.

[wildsoul]

My advice: buy him a nice shirt for such an occasion and present it to him when he shows up late and inappropriately dressed. Make it seem like you were planning to surprise him with it because he would look sooooo good in it.

I owned the fact that my complaining was what set it off. My excuse is that knew it was important to me, and so I called him ahead to let him know. I wouldn't have been so unfair as to ambush him w/o setting the expectation. I wanted him to win. But if you've read my recent post, you can see that he had a hand in subterfeuging this as well.

 

One of my friends (a lesbian) was telling me that she took her girlfriend to a Michelin-star restaurant last week. (Big foodie deal if you aren't in the know.) My friend and I are both savvy about how to dress and act at that kind of place. Her darling girlfriend however, showed up in shorts and a ratty old tshirt. My friend had a similar reaction of not wanting to be embarrassed, instead desiring a more sophisticated date. My friend however, already knew that was a risk, and brought along a nice button down shirt for her date to change into.

 

I understand that men don't like their mommy telling them how to dress. But I've got a loooong track record for converting men who hate to shop learn to love shopping/dressing. My guy has a sense of what's appropriate. He was just acting out. Still, I'm going to take him shopping. I love a sharp dressed man.

[NoIDidn't]

He shared some things about what's going on with him and his W too. It's not nearly as far along as I'd hoped. His strategy has been to move out, then not go home long enough for her to wake up and realize that he's serious about the separation. She is now starting to panic. She got very upset at him not wearing his wedding ring (so I take it that maybe this week was the 1st time he showed up with out.) But he refused saying they are separated now. Then she begged him to come home and reevalute their marriage next year. He said, "We are reevaluating now. Why would we wait? It's happening now." I can see how her denial is thick as mud, but I also see how he lets her keep some hope instead of pulling the trigger.

 

End of story is that he and I are on track. I've got my own timeline starting to form about when I think he needs to start his D papers (January seems right to me.) Meanwhile, I'm trying to stay off his back and watch what he does about his marriage. As long as he stays seperated, and not going back home, then I'll stay out of it as much as I can. Together, we'll have to sort out how to handle the conflicts. If too much of their stuff spills over on to me, it's not going to work. If I get too mixed up in his process, it's not going to work. Yet I need to hear some updates on progress. He's promised that he will spend most of the holidays with me. I'll bet you a million dollars that he hasn't told her that yet.

 

End of story? Not even close. They got into an argument about what was sold to you as a done deal. Not even close.

 

And there you go again with the "me, me, me" with your "own timeline starting ....about when" you "think he needs to start his D papers". Slow down. Stop sounding like you are planning his D for him.

[whichwayisup]

The D will happen on his time frame and his wife's time frame. Wild, I know this is hard for you, but if you push him, ask him to move it along, he will turn on you once again.

 

Focus on you, your life and let him have space. Take charge and tell him to do what he needs to do and when the papers are signed, THEN the romance and whatever else can take place. Stop being intimate with him (no that's not withholding sex, it's an insurance thing for your own sanity) and no more sleepovers.

[NoIDidn't]

Still, I'm going to take him shopping. I love a sharp dressed man.

 

Not trying to be snarky or nasty at all, but I have a serious question that might offend you even though that's not my intention.

 

Has anyone ever told you that you are controlling? Or demanding?

 

Okay, it was two questions. I really mean no offense in asking.

[wildsoul]

And there you go again with the "me' date=' me, me" with your "own timeline starting ....about when" you "think he needs to start his D papers". Slow down. Stop sounding like you are planning his D for him.[/quote']

Let me try to clarify.

I'm not willing to hang around as an OW interminably. (Remember, I broke up with him in July and refused to see him unless we ceased being an A.)

 

I am willing to date him now that he's separated, rather than wait until he got divorced.

 

Yet I don't want to get stuck in one of those 3-4 year situations where the MM never files papers. We read about that happening here ALL the time. On the other hand, I understand a D is a big process and am willing to work with him. I love him and want to be with him! But I need a committed R. And while you might think it's all "me, me, me," I think it would be really stupid to miss out on dating someone who CAN commit because I'm tied up with a MM. So the compromise seems to know when my own expiration date is.

 

Don't you think having my own internal timeline is smart?

 

What would your alternative be?

 

Oh, and I'm just starting to get this idea about the inner timeline. It occurred to me for awhile. But it was only recently that I thought January-ish would be about right. My reasons are that

• He and I met last January. A year should be enough of a test drive (for both of us!)
  
• The holidays will be past, which I think is reasonable.
  
• He moved out in September, so that will be after 5 mos seperation. Not the longest time, but reasonable.
  
• Another reason is that he has a busy seasonal work schedule from Feb-April. I'm hoping he will at least start the process at that time. They have no kids, but they do have a house.
  
• Finally, I can imagine myself sticking around at most another year from January. That would be if their D was a worst-case and took up to a year. Jan 2010 would have been 2 years of my life invested. I'm just speculating at my feelings now, but I think 2 years is more than reasonable. If he's dawdling past that, then I would definitely cut bait.
  

If things were going great with us, and he wanted to delay the D until after his April work schedule, I might be ammenable. Until Jan comes, I'm going to try not dwelling on it. I want to see how things with us go.

 

But really, I ask you again, do you think it's selfish for me to have my own timeline about when he should be filing for D? Knowing you as well as I can from the board, I'm surprised at your comment. I would have thought you'd agree.

[NoIDidn't]

But really, I ask you again, do you think it's selfish for me to have my own timeline about when he should be filing for D? Knowing you as well as I can from the board, I'm surprised at your comment. I would have thought you'd agree.

 

No, WS. I do agree with having your own internal timeline. Its just that the tone of your writing suggests that you are going to demand that he meet it. That's where the disconnect is coming in for me.

 

You may not even intend what I am interpreting, but I want to be honest with what I post.

 

You are right to have a reasonable timeline. Given that you have already gone through a D yourself, I am sure you have a good idea of what is reasonable. You are right to not want to spend two years in a precarious position with him - dating while he stays separated, or him not even filing for a D. But the tone of this thread has been one of control and demand around only your own needs (my interpretation). So, in general, I do agree with you, I just don't want you to have unrealistic expectations or plans given the circumstances.

[wildsoul]

Not trying to be snarky or nasty at all, but I have a serious question that might offend you even though that's not my intention.

 

Has anyone ever told you that you are controlling? Or demanding?

 

Okay, it was two questions. I really mean no offense in asking.

Nope. That's not been something I've been told.

I suspect the reason for that is in part because I'm really giving. I give a lot. So when I ask for something to be a certain way, most people around me are very happy. I don't ask for much, really.

 

What you ARE noticing is that I have a strong aesthetic. I'm not a hyper-perfectionist, but beauty is important to me. I like funky things. I like fancy things. I'm more bohemian than anything else, but if I'm going to a 5-star place (like I was going to take my guy) I want us to be looking good. I was wearing the perfect silk dress, seamed stockings, heels. I think it's fair that if he gets me in the sexy outfits & lingerie, that he needs to suit up and show up. Not controlling...appropriate!

[wildsoul]

But the tone of this thread has been one of control and demand around only your own needs (my interpretation). So' date=' in general, I do agree with you, I just don't want you to have unrealistic expectations or plans given the circumstances.[/quote']

Gotcha. Thanks for reflecting that it's reading as controlling.

 

NoIDidnt: I recant my story! Now, I have been told I'm controlling by you!

 

Seriously. I'm not telling my guy my timeline! No no no. This isn't an ultimatum. And it may be a little flexible. I'm just trying to protect my heart a bit and worry about not having a boundary. It's an internal thing. I'm 43 years old. Still attractive and dateable. The best years of my life are ahead of me. I don't need to get married today, or even next year.

 

I've never dated a married or separated man before. But that's almost irrelevant in this context. If I was dating a single man, I'd give it about 2 years to move towards marriage. If it didn't, I'd cut bait. So just because he's married, doesn't mean I should let his timing completely control our R.

 

Besides...this one keeps talking about marrying me. If he actually means that, then he's gotta start the D first. *playful sassiness* Put up or shut up! *smiles* 2 years seems really really fair.

[whichwayisup]

Wild, where did I say you were controlling? If it read like that, it wasn't meant to.

 

2 years seems really really fair.

 

It does as long as this guy gets his way. Well, what about you and the rollercoaster ride? How long do you think you'll be able to put up with that?

[wildsoul]

Wild, where did I say you were controlling? If it read like that, it wasn't meant to.

 

It does as long as this guy gets his way. Well, what about you and the rollercoaster ride? How long do you think you'll be able to put up with that?

I accidently credited the controlling comment to you because I mixed up your reply with noididnt, but have since edited it.

 

I don't know how long I can or am willing to put up w/ a roller coaster ride. That's part of the process for dating anyone. You go up and down through life together and see how well you get along. If it goes bad and we can't fix it, obviously, I'm out. In this respect, I am just seeing how it goes.