My mind is going crazy!

[electriclove]

I’m just fresh out of a break up and new to this site, but I just want to say how much everyone’s stories and advice has helped me at the moment. Whilst all my friends and family are being really supportive, I find it’s been really therapeutic coming here and reading other peoples experiences. I’ve been lurking for a good week now but I’ve plucked up the courage to share my experiences. I thought I was starting to feel better about everything but it’s all changed the past few days; my mind has just been going crazy and I don’t feel like I’m making any progress anymore to get over the ex.

 

Well here’s my background anyway, I’d been with my boyfriend for 3 years this October. We met at university and he was my first love. We both lived at opposite ends of the country but after university ended, he made the decision that he would come live up north to be with me. He got a flat last October and we moved in with each other. After a couple of months living together though I decided it wasn’t for me and moved back home to live with the parents. Looking back I can’t really remember what the major factor was in me upping and going but I just remember being so unhappy. It didn’t help that the flat was in a pretty rough area of town and I felt scared to go out on my own, but I think I moved out because it was a step too far for us at the time.

 

After I moved out he was devastated but we stayed together; to be honest I think things got better after I left because we weren’t in each other’s faces all the time. I thought we had a very loving and caring relationship. He was my rock and I relied on him for a lot, which is probably another reason I’m finding it extra hard at the moment. Despite all this though the fact that I’m writing on here shows we must have had our problems! We had a lot of arguments and bickered over some trivial things and this is one of the main reasons he cited for us breaking up.

 

It all came to ahead in September when he came on holiday with me and my family. He was acting distant toward me and my instincts told me something was up. So, I confronted him and asked what was wrong. At the time I had no idea what was going through his head, so it came as a shock when he told me that he’d been thinking about our future together a lot lately and he was having doubts. Obviously I got upset as he decided to break this news to me on holiday…not the best timing! When he saw me upset he started to backtrack and apologised, saying that he was being silly and we should just enjoy ourselves on holiday. So, I put it to the back of my mind and didn’t think about it until we got home. When I look back now, I wonder whether he just backtracked because he was scared I would run and tell my family and there would be one big messy confrontation!

 

So, we got back home and I brought up the issue again. Looking back I wish I’d just left it be. He started telling me about how all the arguments were taking its toll on him and how he needed space. He also said that lately he’d been ‘commitment jittery’ and wasn’t sure he saw a future with me. The discussion ended with him saying that he needed space from me to gather his thoughts. I gave him space like he asked but within a few days he rang me saying he’d had enough space and was sure he wanted to be with me. I was pretty confused by this point because knowing the kind of guy that he is, I didn’t think he’d bring up something like this lightly. So, I told him that as we’d only left things a couple of days he couldn’t have made his mind up so soon and that maybe we should leave it a bit longer. In hindsight I think this was another massive error on my part.

 

It all came to blows a few days later on the day which I will always remember as that fateful friday. After not hearing from him for a few days, I decided to ring and see how he was. When I rang him that morning he was hungover because he’d been out the night before on a works night out. We’d arranged to meet but he couldn’t drive because he was still drunk from the night before and said he was feeling faint/sick. We had a massive argument again and I told him he was acting irresponsibly, which I know sounds a bit dramatic but I’d booked the day off work to meet with him and the day was wasted because of him getting in such a mess. So we met up after he’d recovered and both decided that we would work on things. But at the back of my mind something was niggling at me and things still didn’t feel right. My intuition was telling me that he wasn’t telling me the whole truth and even though we’d both agreed to make a go of things his mind still seemed somewhere else. A few days later I brought this up with him again in a phone conversation and asked him straight out if he was seeing anyone. He went silent and later it all emerged how there was someone at work who he had a crush on. He swore that he hadn’t cheated on me but he said the fact that things were so rubbish between us had made him wonder what it would be like with other people.

 

When he told me this it was all downhill from there. I admittedly was hysterical on the phone, which was weird because even though I had an inkling there was someone else he liked I didn’t want to believe it. After all this came out he seemed to regret saying anything and started to downplay it, but it set the entire break up in motion. One of the main reasons I’ve been so devastated by all of this though is because through the breakup he has changed his mind several times over what he wants and has messed me about. He hasn’t just made a clean break and said he wants to end things. First he said he wanted a break/space to see if he missed me, then he said he wanted to work on the relationship, which was swiftly followed by ‘I’m not sure what I want…I need more space’ to wanting to end it completely. He’s put me through hell because I’ve got my hopes up countless times and because of that I’ve done all the crazy stuff you are supposed not to do, such as begging him to get back together and telling him that things will change. I don’t really regret the begging, even though I should because there’ve been times when he seemed unsure so I had to try. But it has all been in vain as he’s pretty much turned around to me and said in no uncertain terms that he doesn’t want this/me anymore and he just wants to be on his own.

 

I’ve tried every tactic to try and work things out. I’ve acted nonchalant, cried my eyes out in front of him, begged and got angry but nothing has worked. I admit that in the first few days after the break up I did contact him several times, even met up with him once, mainly because I didn’t believe it and I genuinely thought that if he’d here my voice, and see how upset I was, he’d realise he’d made a massive mistake.

 

I stopped contact with him 19 days ago but I’m finding it so hard at the moment and I feel like I’m going to break soon. My mind is just driving me crazy. I keep wondering what he’s doing, who he’s with, if he misses me and the big one…whether he’s with someone else already. He rang me last Wednesday and like a fool I answered. We talked pretty casually for about half an hour about what we’d both been up to, which hurt like hell because he was just talking to me so casually like I was a friend. He sounded so…normal and happy. When I sensed the conversation coming to an end I asked him why he’d rung and he said ‘I just wanted to see how you were’. It was like a hot air balloon deflating. I guess I’d got my hopes worked up (again) and part of me was hoping he’d say how much he missed me. He got quite defensive at one point when I was asking why he was ringing. Then I basically said to him that he couldn’t contact me anymore because it was just too painful to talk to him as a friend. It felt like he just wasn’t listening because after I’d said all this he said he’d contact me later. Then I reiterated what I’d said with more force and he seemed shocked and was like ‘come on, that’s not going happen…like were never going to contact each other again!’

 

I haven’t heard from him since then and I know I won’t now I’ve told him to leave me alone, but secretly I want him to. Every time my phone rings or I get a msg I hope it’s him.

I’m definitely doing better than what I was, I can’t deny that. When all of this first happened I couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t eat or sleep and everything reminded me of him – even stupid ads on the tv! I had to go to doctor and had 2 weeks off work. Now I’m back at work and I feel like I’m slowly trying to rebuild my life one step at a time but every day feels like such a struggle. I think about him pretty much every waking moment and I would give anything right now for my mind to just stop, so I can have some peace and quiet.

 

At the moment I’m torturing myself wondering whether he has met someone else. When I start to think about it, it feels like I’m going to have a panic attack and I can’t breathe. It’s been happening a lot at work. I’m just wondering whether knowing the truth would make me feel better. Not knowing is the worst but I can’t contact him to ask because that would be breaking NC, and I feel like I’ve only just regained some of the dignity I lost in the whole breakup so don’t want to lost that again. I just don’t feel like I have all the answers yet and can’t move on until I do. Does anyone know what I mean?

 

Anyway this wasn’t meant to be such an essay but I started writing and couldn’t stop.

Any thoughts or advice would be welcome.

 

Thanks for reading xxx

[Rafa]

....When I start to think about it, it feels like I’m going to have a panic attack and I can’t breathe. It’s been happening a lot at work.

 

Hi ElectricLove,

Sorry to hear you're going through this nightmare. I have exactly the same thing... the near-panic attacks, difficulty breathing, my mind going crazy too. The only way I seem to be able to stop it is by talking to my friend (the only one who will listen) or if thats not a possibility, I write down my thoughts, like a diary. Sometimes it gets too much and I break down crying, but it usually subsides a bit, enough for me to get on with my work.

 

All I can say is, I know how tough this is for you. I don't really have the answers, but try to remember the bad things about him (there must be a few), and don't be on your own too much. LS helps a lot too.

 

Best of luck... keep us updated.

[alwayssme]

wow...that sounds a lot like my story. i tried NC for a week and it was HELL. then we started talking again, i got my hopes again and got CRUSHED. this sucks but at least we're healthy and i guess life goes on.

[electriclove]

wow...that sounds a lot like my story. i tried NC for a week and it was HELL. then we started talking again, i got my hopes again and got CRUSHED. this sucks but at least we're healthy and i guess life goes on.

 

Hey alwaysme

yeah, I've read some of the posts and I've related to a lot of what you've said!

I'll never forgive him for messing me about like he did and not just being straight with me from the start, because I just felt like I was in limbo waiting for him to make his bloody mind up. I'm mad at myself for giving him so much power but I slowly feel like I'm starting to regain some of it by doing NC.

The past few days have been especially hard, mostly because of the loneliness:(

But today has been a bit better, I feel like I'm finally starting to see it for what it is! I'm sick of feeling this way when I know that he's out with his friends having a good time and when he's spoken to me he hasn't seemed at all remorseful. In a message to one of his friends on facebook he told one of his friends we had broken up and said 'it was a shame'. The way he described it like that when I've been torturing myself everyday and have struggled just to get out of bed sometimes, made me realise that he's just not worth it. Why cry over someone when they won't cry over you?

[Sysyphus28]

they never cry over you. they are done.

 

You are left with the many pieces to clean up. I'm cleaning up right now. My ex is horrible..