Not able to be in a relationship right now, you say?

[celestialforests]

So, here's the deal.

 

My boyfriend and I have been having an extremely difficult time recently. Hence me being on this forum! We've only been together for a little more than 5 months, but we had known each other for quite a while before that.

 

I've been suffering from severe bouts of depression for the past few months, dealing with past traumas and recent issues (sexually assaulted 12 years ago and he was the first person I've ever told, my 17 year old dog drowned, my 1 year old dog passed away from kidney failure, trouble with my job [which is a huge issue because it's been my dream since I was a young child] had a miscarriage earlier this year, ended a horrible 3 year relationship before getting together with him, etc!)... anyway! Yeah, dealing with a lot over here. I have never let anyone close to me, emotionally, and he was the first person I've ever let in completely. Well, I started taking out all of my issues on him every once in a while, shutting down when I was upset and getting frustrated at him over little things. It absolutely tore him apart whenever I acted that way, and he kept asking me to just... change. And I couldn't, no matter how much I wanted to for him. I was still bitter and angry and put my guards back up whenever something small happened, and I took it out on him.

 

Well, he also suffers from depression, so this was obviously NOT a recipe for success.

 

On our 4th monthiversary, we had a ridiculous argument and I needed some time alone, so I left our apartment. He said he wouldn't be there when I got back, but I took it as an empty threat. Well, he wasn't there... he took all of his things and left.

 

As of right now, we're not together. He said he needs time to himself to work on all of his issues (we have both just recently started going to therapy, as it's desperately needed!). He loves me, he's in love with me... he just cannot be in a relationship right now. With me or anyone else.

 

He's got too much stress at work and with all the issues he's trying to deal with himself that he said he just needs to be alone for a while to work on it all.

 

Thing is, we still communicate on a daily basis- quite often, messaging back and forth and calling each other and whatnot- and we see each other at least once a week. We are still intimate with each other, which I'm afraid will start making me feel used soon, even though I know that's not his intentions. We still say plenty of "I love you"s, we still spend the nights we have in each others arms... he just can't make a commitment for the future right now.

 

He doesn't want to be with anyone else and he doesn't want me to be with anyone else either, not until he can figure things out. I want to wait, and I have been waiting... but I don't know if it's for the better.

 

Whenever he gets too flustered, he tells me he feels trapped and we need to back off a little bit, though still nothing has changed between us.

 

Thing is, he asked me to marry him a couple months into our relationship (though we made no definite plans), we were looking into buying a house together, and we were planning to start a family within the next year or so. So I'm sticking around waiting for my love, my future husband and father of my children, my soulmate to return to me. I just don't know how long it will take and if I'll be able to handle the lack of commitment on his part.

 

I want to be able just to have our "friendship" and just wait ever so patiently for him until he's figured things out but... man, it sure hurts. I have never had more trust in a human being and I know that he will not be with anyone else while we're still "friends" this way, but there's still a broken part of me that is scared to death that he might do something stupid, as we all have a tendency to do when we're depressed, and ruin any chance we have of getting back together in the future. I told him he's got a million chances with me, whatever he does wrong, though I will absolutely not stand for a liar or a cheater... and I know that even though he has no obligations towards me right now, in essence, I will feel cheated on if he does anything with anyone else.

 

Needless to say, I AM CONFUSED AS ALL HECK!!!

 

Just needed to vent. Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciate. :s

[nymets2008]

Here is the problem, he needs some space and alone time to figure things out, yet you both communicate with each other often.

 

I just went through this. What you have to do is come to some sort of agreement, go no contact for a few weeks (2-3), no txt's, calls, nothing. You don't appreciate what you have unless its gone, if he truly loves you as much as he says he does then you two will be back together, just respect what he says and don't initiate anything or make yourself readily available every time he reaches out to you (as difficult as it may seem).

 

Sometimes people do honestly need a little space, especially if things get a bit serious.

[Sapphire_Phoenix]

Wow.

Ok this is very eerie, I'm going through the EXACT same thing right now. Seriously, its like I could have wrote what you said myself!

 

I know exactly how you feel and it is SO incredibly hard.

Especially that little piece inside you that is thinking:

'Please mean what you say'

'Please don't do something while we're not officially 'together', that will jeopardize us getting back together properly'

 

I KNOW those feelings!! But what I have had to do is just make peace with them, or else they would just drive me mad, as they will you!

My advice is give him his space, definitely. Its what I have had to do too.

Even though it is devastating not having my best friend around anymore, I hope in the long run that it will be worth it.

[ioncebelieved]

Sounds like a way to keep you hanging on and that is an awful thing to do. Are you sure there is not anybody else? Sounds like your ex needs the gift..... THE GIFT OF MISSING YOU!

[BikerBeagle]

If he's on his way out the door, there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. The best thing that could happen is that he does something with someone else ...at least that would give you some closure (since you absolutely wouldn't tolerate a cheater, right?).

 

"Sounds like your ex needs the gift..... THE GIFT OF MISSING YOU!". This is a great saying, I love it!