ilmw Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Hi all, Just been reading a bunch of different threads and can see all the pain and confusion... from so many different people. I know that feeling... and am so glad that is behind me. This is why It dawned on me to start this thread.... Just to remind all those many people on here... who are just or in the middle or near the end .... of the end of their marriage..... IT CAN AND WILL GET BETTER! You will hear this over and over again, but it is true. I know, where many of you are is.... well... a bad place. You can't see any hope... or light at the end of a tunnel... Well yeah... I know.... I felt the same way... a while ago. But... you have to give your self some credit! To feel... you are a failure... or not worthy.... Well that is just a crock of S*@t. You were worthy.. and a success before.... That has not changed .... just your immediate situation...... You have to believe.... that now is just now.... not tomorrow..... You have to learn that you have to change this for you.... and not just sit there.... Broken hearted.... wallowing in your own misery! I cross to the other side only but a few months ago.... Before then... I still had "thoughts" .. Even after I was divorced... still had "thoughts?? Now.... after time... after a lot of personal growth (that was lots of fun:confused:) as I had to admit that I was also at fault... I was not perfect.... and I wanted to change my attitude... well ... a bit of a re-write of my personal internal script... Wow.... it does work... when you change your own attitude.... and learn not to sweat the small stuff..... you tend to feel one heck of a lot happier... and it is easier to stay relaxed. I can see back... that line.... or I guess back down that tunnel... the darkness that was there.... That is some place .... I am very thankful to be out of. It is nice to be out in the sunshine.... smelling the roses.... and seeing things like it is the first time.... in a long time. This is something I had to re-learn to do.... and it was a progressive thing.... started when I first got separated. I guess... what I am trying to do here is, well do what so many people did for me.... when I was going through that hell..... I figure if you hear that YOU WILL BE OK.... enough times... it will sink in. I did for me.... but it took quite a while ... Well better get back to my laundry... ilmw
hyoctane Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 This is exactly what I was thinking of today... I am going though a very tough spot right now in my life and I feel as if I am the ONLY one going through it. I love my wife, but there must be more to life than what cards I was dealt. There are times that I feel as if there was a burden lifted off of my shoulders, but then there are times that I feel helpless and confused... The uncertainty in my life right now is killing me. I guess there is solace knowing that you're not the only one... One day at a time!
Lady Bird Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 ilmw - Congrats on feeling good!! I'm one year post divorce and know exactly what you are saying. There were hard times, some days I didn't want to crawl out from bed. It's been a work in progress and each day seems better. Today, I'm at a happy, healthy point in my life and enjoying all the moments of me again. Keep on keeping your chin up and looking forward because it does get better.
mendsley Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 ilmw - Thanks you for creating this thread. I am almost 3 months into this journey and this is something that will help me. I can feel a little better already, not much, but I am starting to feel better. What I did not understand at first was how to start feeling better and you are spot on when you say; Now.... after time... after a lot of personal growth (that was lots of fun:confused:) as I had to admit that I was also at fault... I was not perfect.... and I wanted to change my attitude... well ... a bit of a re-write of my personal internal script... That is exactly what is helping me. I am also now feeling like I can meet another person who will make me feel as my STBXW did and in different ways. So thanks for posting this it does help us
Author ilmw Posted November 5, 2008 Author Posted November 5, 2008 Well.... I am glad I could have made some folk .... think for a second... that .... Hmmmm.... just maybe ... I will be OK.... maybe not right now.... but "in time".... I will be just fine... You have to have hope.... a glimmer of light down a tunnel.... how ever long that tunnel may be.... that things will change. You were OK before right... before this present relationship.... the one that has gone down the toilet. If you can remember that.... Hey... then why won't you be OK again. Makes sense, does it not..... I am in a place right now... where I do not need a woman.... Nice place to be.... Now... I have met a woman.... who is amazing.... But, for the first time in my life.... can look at her... and tell her "I don't need you.... I just want you"... and say it in a way.... that she will understand... and appreciate.. the way it is intended. A statement of her worth... and not a declaration of my neediness ilmw
Author ilmw Posted November 13, 2008 Author Posted November 13, 2008 I was PM this to another member on LS... and thought is was kinda funny. Now... I am seeing someone new.... Its been almost a month and a half now.... exclusively. I feel no pressure at all... and no worries. I know... I don't need this lady.... and she knows it too.... Which takes all the pressure off her.... realizing she does not need to take care of me.... So we just enjoy each others company.... Nice Feels very grown up and mature... You will get there... It is up to you when. When is when... to long.... who knows.... It is just like a light bulb going of.... and your done.... Like making cookies..... "ting" Your done.... its a nice surprise... (except with making cookies... you have cookies to eat) ilmw
dead-dyke Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 'DING' I'm done too. Yaaay. It is like a switch - one day you feel better, the next day, oddly enough, you don't concern yourself w/ it anymore. This seems to have happened just this week, for some reason. I thought that was what being over it feels like. Now I know, THIS is what it feels like. Almost peaceful. except, no cookies.
skinman Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 ilmw, Thank you for posting this. I am the lowest point in my life right now than I have beenn quite a few years wondering myself when this pain and suffering will end. Its only been 3 weeks but damm if it doesnt feel a lot longer. By reading these post I do have hope that oneday in the near future I will wake up and be at peace with myself and my wife for dumping 15 years down the tubes.. Thanks again.... I know the sun will rise tomorrow and it will be an opportunity to do something special with my life... Skin
Author ilmw Posted November 15, 2008 Author Posted November 15, 2008 'DING' I'm done too. Yaaay. It is like a switch - one day you feel better, the next day, oddly enough, you don't concern yourself w/ it anymore. This seems to have happened just this week, for some reason. I thought that was what being over it feels like. Now I know, THIS is what it feels like. Almost peaceful. except, no cookies. Hmmm... story of my life... No cookies.....lol:p
Author ilmw Posted November 15, 2008 Author Posted November 15, 2008 ilmw, Thank you for posting this. I am the lowest point in my life right now than I have beenn quite a few years wondering myself when this pain and suffering will end. Its only been 3 weeks but damm if it doesnt feel a lot longer. By reading these post I do have hope that oneday in the near future I will wake up and be at peace with myself and my wife for dumping 15 years down the tubes.. Thanks again.... I know the sun will rise tomorrow and it will be an opportunity to do something special with my life... Skin Good... keep thinking like this... and you will get through this. Positive attitude... keeps things.... positive. Keeping doing things for you... keep active.... and healthy... and in the end.... You will be in a great place. You will learn.... you need nobody.... and you will like/love yourself.. so much more. ilmw
skinman Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 Good... keep thinking like this... and you will get through this. Positive attitude... keeps things.... positive. Keeping doing things for you... keep active.... and healthy... and in the end.... You will be in a great place. You will learn.... you need nobody.... and you will like/love yourself.. so much more. ilmw Thanks ilmw, Some days it is easy to do this, but others its pretty darn tough. I am trying to move on and let the past go but so many things remind me off my wife and takes me right back to where I was in the beginning.. I know time will make things better but time seems to be so slow now I wonder if it ever will get to that point...... glad to hear your doing well.............
PWSX3 Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 They say we go in circles, you move forward & feel you are doing better, then something will remind you of the past & you have circled back but each time it is easier to move back to the place you were. O.K. that is what they say, I'm not there yet but I do see it is getting easier. Someone shared something with me this weekend I thought was worth sharing. Me & the stbxw are still trying to settle the house & he suggested I just do whatever it takes to get it settled because any of those types of things that you try & hold onto will keep you from moving forward & doing things you want to do or things you want to enjoy. Thanks Ilmw, it is getting easier but I'm a long ways from that place you are at but I do see there is hope.
n9688m Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 Me & the stbxw are still trying to settle the house & he suggested I just do whatever it takes to get it settled because any of those types of things that you try & hold onto will keep you from moving forward & doing things you want to do or things you want to enjoy I disagree. It is far, far too early to do that. Don't give away the store in a moment of grief. She left you - it is quite likely she wants out of the marriage even more than you do. Don't blink first or else she will walk over you financially as well as emotionally. Sit tight. Don't budge an inch financially. Let her friends give her the same advice you got. Then at least you can come out of this financially intact even if emotionally damaged. Don' t add more misery to your life than necessary.
mendsley Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Thank you ilmw for posting that. I have been in the dumps today, for some reason I dont know why. But I think it is great that I can jump on here and read a few posts from people like you and I seem to feel a little better. I hate this and I would not wish this on my worst enemy but it seems like something almost every person has to go thru, sooo I guess it is my turn. Thanks again
Author ilmw Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 Thank you ilmw for posting that. I have been in the dumps today, for some reason I dont know why. But I think it is great that I can jump on here and read a few posts from people like you and I seem to feel a little better. I hate this and I would not wish this on my worst enemy but it seems like something almost every person has to go thru, sooo I guess it is my turn. Thanks again Well I guess mission accomplished... It is easy for me now to speak of hope and a future.... and roses and fluffy animals... clouds etc . I'm through the that tunnel..... got through the fiery hell that was my separation and divorce! I so easily remember the roller coaster ride that became my life..... one day good... next day not so good! The dark moods.... the anger... the frustration... the absolute devastation and pain one feels at those low times... I remember it... and never will I forget it. Trust me.... Not that long ago.... I could never imagine I would feel like this... but I do. There was a point... where I began to feel nothing.... numb, I was for a while. Now... I feel stuff in abundance.... and can express myself much more better () That, I can truly thank LS for.... this site was a pallet for expression. It is a great opportunity to delve into a place most men have difficulty in. There was some hard earned lessons that I take away from this experience.... I never intend to repeat. As for this thread.....well, I am really just happy to give back... that what was so freely given to me... Encouragement...and the constant reminder that everything will be OK.... one day. ilmw
SingleDad Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 ilmw - I'm looking forward to the day I am in the place where you are today. Appreciating and enjoying everyday life.
Author ilmw Posted November 20, 2008 Author Posted November 20, 2008 ilmw - I'm looking forward to the day I am in the place where you are today. Appreciating and enjoying everyday life. It took me 2 years to get to this point.... If your lucky it will take you less?? It is, I guess down to the individual. It seems letting go.... is done in stages.... I'd liken it to breaking a drug habit... Withdrawals, pain, nausea, nightmares, cold sweats? Good days, and bad days. You will hear this over and over again..... the longer this goes on... and you learn to except it is over.... it will get easier. Now if you can't except this.... it won't. It will just drag on.. If you read my original thread.... you will know.... I hung on for a long time.... I did all I could do... to try and save my marriage.... but in the end.... enough was enough. Acceptance is a key to healing.... I really am all for reconciliation.... but sometimes.... it can't be done... sometimes.... why would some people bother... really?? ilmw
sumdude Posted November 20, 2008 Posted November 20, 2008 It took me 2 years to get to this point.... If your lucky it will take you less?? It is, I guess down to the individual. ilmw 2 years seems to be the general consensus.. in the reading I've done, what others write and my own experience. I'm closing in on 2 years from the separation and I'm feeling really close to 'normal' again. Some folks move on faster, some take longer. The length of the relationship may play some part in it but I think the depth of it has more to do with it. It's a gradual process. I tried to save it for a short while but once I saw the writing on the wall I stopped actively trying. Her actions said it all, later there were a couple attempts to contact me and I shut them out because I guess I knew I was setting myself up for more disappointment. But my mind still managed to keep that reconciliation hope going, even after total no contact for months.. Creating scenarios, imagining things. What a weird thing the mind is sometimes, Just a couple pennies from my brain.
Author ilmw Posted November 21, 2008 Author Posted November 21, 2008 2 years seems to be the general consensus.. in the reading I've done, what others write and my own experience. I'm closing in on 2 years from the separation and I'm feeling really close to 'normal' again. Some folks move on faster, some take longer. The length of the relationship may play some part in it but I think the depth of it has more to do with it. It's a gradual process. I tried to save it for a short while but once I saw the writing on the wall I stopped actively trying. Her actions said it all, later there were a couple attempts to contact me and I shut them out because I guess I knew I was setting myself up for more disappointment. But my mind still managed to keep that reconciliation hope going, even after total no contact for months.. Creating scenarios, imagining things. What a weird thing the mind is sometimes, Just a couple pennies from my brain. Funny thing that.. after I read your post... it dawned on me that I had read somewhere, that it took about two years to get through this.. and to feel "normal" again... strange eh? So much that I have been told on here.. or read in books etc.... has come true.... makes me feel a little less like an individual... and more like a sheep... People are people... weez all the same? ilmw
Gunny376 Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 It can take as short a period of time or as long as period as you the individual chooses. The choice is really yours, but you have to make the choice to stay and in grovel in misery, hopeless and despair or get busy with the business of living your life. Any and all people of all races, creeds, and genders have the potential to be loving, caring, sharing decent human being ~ or not. It really is a matter all about caring ~ if you don't care? Then it really doesn't matter, and why should you spend the rest of your life pining after someone that for whatever reason doesn't care about you ~ not even enough to show you common decey and respect. And in the end you've really have got to respect yoursepl before you can expect somone else to respect you.
LittleDove Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 Its been 6 months since I separated with my x. A very mixed up emotional 6 months. Its still freash, and I find my mind wanders back in time often. dammit. anyway, I have short glimpses of how im going to feel, when I realise ive had a few hours without a second thought to the x and happier days. I am being sure to remember the absolute crud I went through too. Remembering walking on eggshells, remebering the times I felt so alone and so trapped.. My life is already more peaceful, I live in a serene world with no yelling, fighting, no stressing, and no one has called me a name since I left. So in many ways- my life is already a better place right now!
PWSX3 Posted November 21, 2008 Posted November 21, 2008 I get an email each day from that class I took & this was part of this mornings so I thought I would share it. One of the biggest things they talked about was we takes little steps each day. Being in the situation you don't realize it, but you are moving forward it just doesn't seem like it sometimes. Life also goes in circles so you might think you are over something, but then you circle around & get hit by it again. Someone suggested that those are just ways you can improve on what happened for later in life. Anytime you do not feel anger, blame, self-pity, bitterness, or resentment, then you are experiencing recovery. If you think of your former spouse less often than you used to, this is a sign of recovery. If you are living in the present more than you are dwelling in the past, you are recovering. When you look back and see where you have been, that means you are in a position of recovery. The peace of Christ indicates recovery. Recovery does not mean you will not feel pain again. Painful moments will occur unexpectedly for several years. Be aware that this will happen, and when those painful moments hit you, be prepared to deal with them by countering them with prayer, Scripture, positive memories, or reaffirming statements. You can always look back and see how far you've come.
Author ilmw Posted December 23, 2008 Author Posted December 23, 2008 I thought I would do a little update... as I have not done one for a little while. Last week I was with my 'New Friend' When I left.. she packed me some homemade cookies... (she is quite good) Shortbread... brownies etc.. Mmmmm. Anyway... that same day... I picked up my son from school.. he would be staying with me for my 2 day visit. Well, he finished his homework.. and I gave him some milk and cookies as a treat for not making to much of fuss doing his homework.. He said they were good cookies... and "who made the cookies dad?" I told him a friend had made them... he asked what was my friends name... I told him.. he then says... you should asked her out for a coffee.... Later on we got onto the subject of my friend again.. I had a pic on my computer of her and her sons. I showed my son... he asked if she was married... I explained that she and her boys were in a similar situation that his mom and I were in... he then said... after a pause... "hey dad... you should ask her out on a date..." ...... I did not tell him we had been seeing each other already for 3 months.. So... I am going to introduce them together... when my family comes up to my place after christmas... My parents have already met her... my brother and his wife want to meet her.... so, I think it is a safe situation for my son to meet her... he will be comfortable with all his family there... and she will not have as much pressure on her... Its been 3 months... and it is going very well. She will be introduced as my friend. We have discussed it already... and it will be a slow process... but we are on the same page all the way when it comes to out kids... her boys are not as used to this situation as mine is..he has 2.5 years of this under his belt.... and mommy already moved boyfriend in the beginning of this year. So we are agreed... that I will not be introduced to her boys for a while yet. I think I have mentioned a few times on other folks threads... that I am kinda glad I am divorced now... It is for several reasons: I am free from the self imposed clutches of a person who no longer wanted me... and all the self loathing that goes along with that....(why am I not good enough) etc! As well... I have been given the gift of getting to know me.. and I was smart enough to stay alone... until I had figured (me) out. Also.... I was free to meet my "friend" whom, I would never have met if I was still "not over" the ex. I would have missed an opportunity of meeting a wonderful, caring woman... who, frankly "blows" my mind. I don't ever remember... laughing or smiling so much in my life... I laugh about it.. but seriously... I thought I was going to have a charlie horse on my face.... Ok... gotta end this... my son can read... and he is starting to take interest in what I am doing at this moment.... so better go back to being dad... Take care all... and Merry Christmas... Happy Holidays... For you who this is your 1st Christmas.... yes It is hard. BUT... it really does get better. ilmw
Gunny376 Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 Yea! Rub it in there you! You never told me you were a member of the 1st Royal Golden Parachute Regiment! Just kidding! Glad to hear you're doing so well, and you, DS, and the new "friend" My first Christmas without the X, and children was spent with an Elvis decanter of Jim Beam, George Jones, and a Fred Flintstone jellyglass. Man did the three of us ever have ourselves a disccusion about women! Elivis said he liked them "fast" while "Fred" said he liked them old fashioned, and "Jim?" Jim said he liked the old and mellowed! LOL! Merry Christmas my friend from the Great White North!
PinkOrchid Posted December 24, 2008 Posted December 24, 2008 Well I guess mission accomplished... I'm through the that tunnel..... got through the fiery hell that was my separation and divorce! I so easily remember the roller coaster ride that became my life..... one day good... next day not so good! The dark moods.... the anger... the frustration... the absolute devastation and pain one feels at those low times... I remember it... and never will I forget it. ilmw ilmw, How was/is your son affected by your divorce? Was the divorce messy or relatively easy? I am so worried about my children. Thanks!
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