reddog63 Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 45 yr old man married for 23 years and three children. Met wife in high school, first actual girlfriend. We got along fairly well; however, since my mid to upper 30’s I started slowly withdrawing from the marriage due to needs not getting met. Resentment built up and I separated 15 months ago. We have gone to counseling for past year. I was about ready to come home a few months back, more for the sake of doing the right thing for my kids, and the counselor said he was concerned that I should be going back more for the wife. That he has counseled some couples who a spouse has gone back for that reason and it didn’t last. My wife also said she wanted a commitment so as not to put the kids through this again. I saw their point and we have continued to have “date” night in hopes of reconnecting. I am realizing that date night is not going to make any magic return. What I mean is, we have been together so long that it feels familiar but I am not going to feel any magic reconnection. We talked last night. I have been feeling guilty lately for doing this to the kids. I miss our family trips, etc. And I also reason that compared to most, our problems were not too severe. I told her my feelings. I told her that the date night is not going to be magic cure. That I could give no guarantee as she wanted, no one knows the future. But that I have been feeling like it is probably the right way to go to come home and try to make it work. For those who for whatever reasons have found themselves withdrawn from the marriage you will probably understand my feelings. We, as a couple, went a lot of years not addressing the issues. My parents are deceased so I have no real family support, besides my kids and friends. I think that exacerbates my need or want to find that special someone someday and not stay in a marriage with what feels like little connection. I will add, that finding that special someone is not my only motivation. I can be content on my own I think. Since I married so young there is also excitement to experiencing life on own. So my logic at this time has me thinking the best thing to do is drop my fantasy of finding a soulmate for lack of a better word and do the family thing so my kid’s childhood is a good one without the reality of what divorce will bring. I will say, years back, I got too close to a girl at work. I would have loved to explore a relationship with her because she really matched (at least I thought) what I like in a woman. But there is not even friendship anymore but it did give me a glimpse of the small possibility of finding a close match. But also logically, I sometimes see this as more of a fantasy then reality. I am not in an affair and have no one in the wings so this is not easy. I am giving up something with no knowledge of if I will find someone. I do enjoy being on own and even thought to myself I could be happy by myself. Although, I have such fond memories of family trips and I do miss the day to day kidding around in the main house. I appreciate any thoughts you may have. If you have any questions to clarify let me know. I appreciate any input or thoughts. This has been such a struggle for me.
Kasan Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 You are still asking the same questions that you asked three years ago. Three years of "marriage limbo" are three years that you will never get back. You have done all that you can do, and still no answers to what you should do. I have been married a very long time like you and I believe that we have both struggled with the same issues at one time or another in our marriage. Do fireworks go off for us? Not so much anymore, but I can tell you that he still smiles when he comes home at night and I still ask him how his day was........ Could there be something more exciting waiting for the both of us out there? Most definitely!! But there is something about the sharing of two lives that have gone through a long term marriage that binds us together in ways that are hard to describe to someone who has never experienced it. You know what I am referring too.... And for the record, I don't believe in soul mates, but degrees of compatibility. I also think that sometimes we make things harder than they have to be. I wish for you to finally get the clarity that you need to make your decision.
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