in need of support - and the rest of the story

[mytruelove]

i'm back humbly to get much needed support because i now truly feel helpless and really don't have the answers and need strength to get through it.

 

for those that don't know my story please look at my other threads.

 

so, the rest of the story. i posted that i knew my marriage was over - which i do, but i did not add that at the moment i am still living with H and not officially divorced. our house is up for sale and am just waiting for it to sell. i was hesitant to post this because i wanted you all to see the relationship i have with my other guy based on it's own merits alone (as i do) and not judge my actions before this.

 

my soon-to-be-ex is an alcoholic and abusive. it is not a healthy relationship, hasn't been for a long long time. emotionally he left me long ago.

 

it is taking longer for me to get out of this situation and is harder than i ever imagined, but i know it is just a matter of time. i am to the point were i am not able to tolerate it anymore and it is not healthy for me to be in the house. financially though, i am very scared of paying rent for a place and mortage and i have no reassurance that H will help with the bills. so, i have stayed put way TOO long. i am very frustrated - finally found a place i had the courage to take, but have called the landlord three times and he has not called me back after i went and looked at it. so i'm really trying and i get discouraged.

 

so, now back to my situation with the other guy and maybe it will make more sense now. when we first started talking about actually being together - i told him, of course, i had to get out of my situation and he had to get out of his before we could be together. i asked him to be patient with me and he said he would. also, i have been patient with him having the other g/f.

 

so, like i said we fought it for a year with him taking a month break away from me at one point because one time i made the mistake of giving my marriage one last chance. this hurt other guy very much, however, we came back stronger than ever and that is when i commited to him and vowed to never hurt him again. but yet still, the other g/f. we have both been saints with patience.

 

i did not push or pressure him to leave - he has not pushed or pressured me - both wanting to allow the other person the time and space to come to conclusions on our own and do things in our own time.

 

fast forward to today. we are both in a place were we know things have to change. i kinda forced the situation by telling him that i could no longer have sex with him until he broke up with her. if you are not familiar with my story read the other posts please.

 

so i talked to him yesterday and he said that he has too much going on in his head and he is having problems at home, problems with ex and he can't handle it. he's got too much going on to have anything with me and complicating things more. he said he is going to go back to just not caring about anyone or anything but his kids. he's on total shut down.

 

i've been here with him before with his other break ups and i understand - doesn't make it any easier though. he said he knows what he has to do and that he needs to get through it on his own and handle it in his own way.

 

it is pushing us to do the things we really need to. have to have faith and trust i guess -without saying it he is pushing me too because he has mentioned that he doesn't have much time

 

just don't know the best way to handle all this. i feel helpless. deep down i know it is a good thing because he has to take care of his stuff and i have to take care of mine if we are going to be together.

 

anyone have advice and help? i need it -thanks

[Owl]

I'd suggest give him space for now.

 

BOTH of you have too much going on to be able to give each other the attention that a relationship needs.

 

Focus instead on getting divorced. Your talking about seperation...does your H know about the affair? Have you made it clear to him that you're absolutely filing for divorce? Started paperwork for the divorce?

[NewSunrise]

I don't think reading your past posts is required to get the full jest of what's going on.

 

Don't mean to be blunt or harsh but your method of dealing with conflicts head on is avoidance or delay. By delaying or avoiding, time pretty much takes care of everything.

 

Granted, your xH abusive personality and alcoholism are good enough reasons to leave the M. My guess is he was probably had those traits before you married him or realized it once you married him. But you stayed in the M for whatever reasons beyond love. My guess is that you also probably thought he might "eventually" change.

 

Your decision to leave your M with the expectation of the OM leaving his GF is not planning out. It has you feeling scared and helpless. Normal in an "abnormal" sense of way.

 

IMO, the OM's fantasy is over. He's running scared. He's not all that into you as he was when you had a "full time" husband to go home to.

 

LEAVE your M with HEALTHY reasons----for YOU. Having the OM who is NOT 100% available is NOT a healthy decision.

 

Live by yourself ALONE. Get your bearings straight. You can't possibly think it's healthy to leave one R for another in which that R is not healthy to begin with because the dude is still attached!

 

Were you expecting this dude to "fix" things to navigate you from feeling helpless?

[jwi71]

i kinda forced the situation by telling him that i could no longer have sex with him until he broke up with her.

 

so i talked to him yesterday and he said that he has too much going on in his head and he is having problems at home, problems with ex and he can't handle it.

 

So, um...is your bf still with her? You indicate in the top quote he is...then you indicate he is not.

 

Then you say he is staying "for the kids".

 

And you've been through this before with him.

 

That alone would send me running.

 

Honestly, you need to get yourself together (moved out, finalize the divorce and on your own).

 

Then you need him to get his sh*t together. And from the this post only, it ain't happening. And there is nothing you can do to compel him to hurry up and meet your schedule. You can try using sex as leverage...but I am doubtful it would work. Ultimately, you run into the "how can I support him" and "give him space" conundrum.

 

Answer: You can't. With the attachments you have formed, you cannot be that friend. You cannot be his lover (be with him) and counselor(support him).

 

My suggestion: back off and stay away until both of you have your respective houses in order. I might even suggest NC. And this is for you own sanity - why keep putting yourself through this?

[mytruelove]

i have to admit i was almost scared to come back and look at the replies here, but they are all awesome, right on, and very supportive.

 

first i'll clarify that he has an ex-wife, an ex-girlfriend, to which he has his kids. so he is having problems with them and the current one. what i meant when i said that i've been through this with him before was his past breakups which he took very hard and went into depression - just like he seems to be now.

 

so yes, there is baggage, lots of it, which i can handle. i just can't handle him being with someone else and me.

 

my marriage and H - no he doesn't know about the affair. i would never want to hurt him with that. it is funny though because the minute i met other guy 10 years ago H knew that i was in love with him - honestly and he was always jealous of him. we haven't filed because it is complicated when you are still living together, but he has told me that it is over, he has told me to find someone else, etc...

 

honestly, i have tried my very best to completely seperate the two. i don't go running to other guy with my marriage problems because i want our relationship to be about us (in fact, we never talk about it-we have a way of saying what we need to say and knowing how the other feels without saying it), not anyone else and i know it would not be fair to put any of it on him. i know it would not be healthy to use him as a crutch. also, i have wanted to make sure that i am leaving the marriage for ME and not because of other guy (knowing that i cannot rely on him to be there) - has that line kinda got blurred in my mind- very possibly yes - that is something i have to explore because i want to be absolutely certain that i am not leaving for the wrong reasons and i know that if the affair has influenced me or been responsible in any way for the ending of my marriage that is something i am going to have to face.

 

is he breaking up with her? - that is what he is dealing with right now and deciding - they are having problems. he has not shared details with me because he wants to deal with it on his own.

 

you are right - i cannot be a friend and lover right now. i've drawn that line and that is what has lead to this. he has stated that he knows how i feel and that i don't need to state it again.

 

so, i guess only time will tell. i just don't know how to let it go. i don't know how not to be there for him. i am fearful if i don't though that he may resent me if they break up, but i'm also afraid that i'll lose him if i let him go?

 

it hurts when he shuts me out. i've fought the last ten years to get him out of the black hole he was in and i don't know if i can do it again -too painful.

 

i want to stick it out. it seems worth the risk to me. even though, yes, there are aspects of this relationship that are unhealthy because of the current situation, there are many more aspects of it that are very healthy and wonderful and amazing.

[NewSunrise]

first i'll clarify that he has an ex-wife, an ex-girlfriend, to which he has his kids. so he is having problems with them and the current one. what i meant when i said that i've been through this with him before was his past breakups which he took very hard and went into depression - just like he seems to be now.

He's got an xW, an xGF and OW(you), plus kids? Excess baggage? Hell, if I were in his shoes, I'd be suicidal. Unless of course, having a "harem mentality" suits him on certain days.

 

Where and how do you think you'll fit in?

my marriage and H - no he doesn't know about the affair. i would never want to hurt him with that. it is funny though because the minute i met other guy 10 years ago H knew that i was in love with him - honestly and he was always jealous of him. we haven't filed because it is complicated when you are still living together, but he has told me that it is over, he has told me to find someone else, etc...

You're lucky your H didn't kick you to the curb during your 10 year A. If the situation were reversed and he did exactly what you did-tell you he was in love with another woman, what would you have done? Fight for the M and him or would you have an A just to get even?

 

One thing that seems puzzling is that you've alleged your H to be abusive and an alcoholic all the while you were having an A for 10 years and claim it was not a "healthy" R. Yet, you gleefully describe your A in some healthy tone. Getting my jest?

 

hurts when he shuts me out. i've fought the last ten years to get him out of the black hole he was in and i don't know if i can do it again -too painful.

Yet, you equally shut your STBXH out during your 10 year affair. How is it different to your feeling shut out by this OM who seems to have a problem handling mutliple women. And what drove your STBXH to become alcoholic? If he truly abused you, why didn't you press charges or leave?

 

so yes, there is baggage, lots of it, which i can handle. i just can't handle him being with someone else and me.

Let's see, he had or was M at time you've met him, has an xGF, and you can't handle that he's with someone else?! Hello! Anybody home?!

 

is he breaking up with her? - that is what he is dealing with right now and deciding - they are having problems. he has not shared details with me because he wants to deal with it on his own.

If he had any intentions of cutting the cord with her and start a life with you, he would have done it awhile back, especially with your anticipated D. When a person uses the word "problems", it is usually followed by, "I don't want to get into it". In other words, such avoidance is a camouflage that there is more to what's going on than he's led you to believe.

 

Reread your post. You say one thing yet do another:

i know it would not be healthy to use him as a crutch. also, i have wanted to make sure that i am leaving the marriage for ME and not because of other guy (knowing that i cannot rely on him to be there) - has that line kinda got blurred in my mind- very possibly yes - that is something i have to explore because i want to be absolutely certain that i am not leaving for the wrong reasons and i know that if the affair has influenced me or been responsible in any way for the ending of my marriage that is something i am going to have to face.

And then you say..

i want to stick it out. it seems worth the risk to me.

Frankly, you haven't begun to face the demise of your M. If you have, you wouldn't be so quick to willingly "stick it out" for this guy while you are going through the separation much less finalize your D.

 

Frankly, your wanting to transition from your M to this OM, I'd say this guy would provide the crutch you need.

[mytruelove]

newsunrise - i guess i need to clarify something for you. i haven't been in an affair with this guy for ten years. we've been friends, and we have been support for one another -yes.

 

it's hard to explain, but i'll try. i was dating H when i first met him. he was married when i first met him, BUT in the end stages heading towards divorce.

 

the second i met this other guy i was literally blown away, instant chemisty, love at first site. we DID NOT act on it, but guess it was obvious from my face because H took one look at my face and knew. heck, my whole family and friends know i'm head over heals for this guy.

 

however, i NEVER told H i was in love with this other guy EVER. he knows nothing about the affair, other than the connection between us that he picked up on. i married H even though other guy told me not to. i commited to my marriage. did i make a huge mistake? -YES!!! one i won't soon be repeating.

 

i don't want to go into specifics here about the abuse, but, yes, there has been. were there huge red flags before i married him-YES- did i think i could change him - yes, guess i did, but i know better now.

 

i did not even express how i felt to other guy until last year when i finally decided that it was time for me to start living my life and take a risk. we fought acting on anything physical for a year after that, sooo....

 

"He's got an xW, an xGF and OW(you), plus kids? Excess baggage? Hell, if I were in his shoes, I'd be suicidal. Unless of course, having a "harem mentality" suits him on certain days."..YEP...like i told him...i can handle any baggage and all his "quirks" because i love him, BUT i want to be "third" in his life. his kids are ALWAYS first. i wouldn't want it any other way.

 

hope this helps explain things. thank you for helping me look at some of these things. you make good points and i know i have to take responsibility for my part in a failing marriage, most definitely, not denying any of that.

[All Star]

It wasn't an affair. It was an emotional affair. There is a difference you know. Ha!