BlueHarvest Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Like the title says....after you know someone has been in an affair (Emotional or Physical)...How do go back to trusting them? What kind of method of willpower did you use (If anyone ever has) without being naive or stupid about it and just "hoping" they will be honest?
Dexter Morgan Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Like the title says....after you know someone has been in an affair (Emotional or Physical)...How do go back to trusting them? You don't. never completely anyway. There will always be a doubt in your mind no matter how small it may be.
jmargel Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Trust is earned, and you can't trust again until they come to realization of what they did. When they stop hiding, lying and deceiving. When they accept the consequences for what they did. When they decide they need to change things about themselves and stop trying to justify their behavior. Until they do that, you can't trust them. It's because they are still doing it. As for my situation, I forgave but I don't think you ever forget. It's something you truly never get over. It's like having that bad accident and you still see that scar. There's always a reminder. That being said the trust comes back when you both decide to focus on the future together and make plans for that to happen. To improve on the communication between you two and to move in a positive direction.
Owl Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Blue...something to remember... Trust is EARNED. I didn't give my wife my wallet and car keys the day I met her. I didn't know her well enough for her to have earned that trust. But as our relationship grew, and she DEMONSTRATED TRUSTWORTHINESS...I gained trust in her. She earned it. The same process has to occur when trust is damaged or destroyed...it has to be EARNED back...by being trustworthy, and demonstrating that over time. After an affair...the WS has to earn the trust back in the same fashion. They have to show CHANGE. They have to DEMONSTRATE that they are now trustworthy. They do it by first demonstrating true remorse and regret for their actions. If someone doesn't regret what they've done, you can't trust them not to do it again, right? Then, they have to be completely honest about the action that destroyed the trust. They have to be completely open and honest about the affair, and all that led up to it. As part of that, they have to give up all the means of communication that they used to feed the affair...cell phone access, email and IM accounts and passwords, everything. They have to be willing to let the BS now SEE that they're being trustworthy. By giving full access to all the means that the affair was conducted, it helps the BS to eventually get comfortable with the idea that the affair HAS ended. They have to be willing to change things that allowed them to conduct the affair. THEY HAVE TO COMPLETELY BREAK ANY AND ALL CONTACT WITH THE OTHER PERSON. If that means that they need to seek a new job...so be it. If that means no more overtime, or if that means that they need to give up a hobby or similar activity because it could result in resumed contact...that's part of the "price" that they pay. If this is done...willingly, openly, and up front...trust is rebuilt over time as they demonstrate true change. Its not willpower...its common sense. This help you any? I'm also curious...how does this apply to YOUR situation?
misternoname Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Sadly I never did...I lied and said I did but the aftermath will fester like a cancer for a long long time. All I can say is good luck...the situation sucks!
Author BlueHarvest Posted October 30, 2008 Author Posted October 30, 2008 Blue...something to remember... Trust is EARNED. I didn't give my wife my wallet and car keys the day I met her. I didn't know her well enough for her to have earned that trust. But as our relationship grew, and she DEMONSTRATED TRUSTWORTHINESS...I gained trust in her. She earned it. The same process has to occur when trust is damaged or destroyed...it has to be EARNED back...by being trustworthy, and demonstrating that over time. After an affair...the WS has to earn the trust back in the same fashion. They have to show CHANGE. They have to DEMONSTRATE that they are now trustworthy. They do it by first demonstrating true remorse and regret for their actions. If someone doesn't regret what they've done, you can't trust them not to do it again, right? Then, they have to be completely honest about the action that destroyed the trust. They have to be completely open and honest about the affair, and all that led up to it. As part of that, they have to give up all the means of communication that they used to feed the affair...cell phone access, email and IM accounts and passwords, everything. They have to be willing to let the BS now SEE that they're being trustworthy. By giving full access to all the means that the affair was conducted, it helps the BS to eventually get comfortable with the idea that the affair HAS ended. They have to be willing to change things that allowed them to conduct the affair. THEY HAVE TO COMPLETELY BREAK ANY AND ALL CONTACT WITH THE OTHER PERSON. If that means that they need to seek a new job...so be it. If that means no more overtime, or if that means that they need to give up a hobby or similar activity because it could result in resumed contact...that's part of the "price" that they pay. If this is done...willingly, openly, and up front...trust is rebuilt over time as they demonstrate true change. Its not willpower...its common sense. This help you any? I'm also curious...how does this apply to YOUR situation? Well I'm trying to see if I'll ever be able to be just a friend and still trust her. Regardless of a relationship there still has to be trust, doesn't matter if you are friends or lovers.
Owl Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Frankly Blue, as I've said before, I personally don't believe that you CAN go back to "just friends" after all of this. Her husband will likely never trust your friendship with her...he'd be an idiot to do so. Once you've confessed 'feelings' for her...you can't just "take it back" and act like it never happened. Given her extreme behaviors of flirting with you (with her H just in the other room!!) and her cheating on him (while leading you on)...there's no basis for a 'friendship'...or relationship of any kind here, really. You only trust someone who's willing to change their actions to end behaviors that hurt you and created that distrust to begin with. What has she changed???? REALLY...what is she doing to rebuild your friendship with her on a solid foundation? Are her actions those of a trustworthy person?
Author BlueHarvest Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 Right now, no. And I know that. I'm just looking into the future. If she decides to make the correct decisions then I could potentially see us becoming friends again. I'm just trying to see if it's a possibility. That's all. I never said I was allowing her to start rebuilding already because she has done nothing to earn that trust so far.
LakesideDream Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 I didn't try, and I don't believe I will every try to "regain" trust in the future. If a woman I trust breaks my trust in them, I walk away. I don't see that changing. It's not so much a matter of not wanting to trust again, it more a matter of being disgusted by the situation that destroyed the trust, whatever that was.
Author BlueHarvest Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 I understand exactly what you mean Dream. Right now my feelings that I had for the OW (empathy, understanding, love) have been replaced with sympathy, pity, and slight disgust. Sympathy for the fact she is going through this situation, pity for the fact that she won't take responsability for her contributions to the neglegence of her marriage, and slight disgust on how she has handled herself and some of the decisions she has made to "fix" this situation. If you had asked me 2 months ago if I could see myself in a relationship with this woman I would have said yes in a heartbeat. Now...now...I'm not so sure. I don't even know if I would have a relationship with her even if she was banging on my front door. But I digress, to see her as a friend again I'll need to make sure she is trustworthy. I don't like being lied to and if she continues to lie to me (and everyone else) then she isn't worth having as a friend.
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