Separating after First Love appeared!!

[plum36]

Ive posted this on the Infidelity forum but not sure if its more appropriate here . It seems to be the theme on here at the moment and Im afraid ive joined the club too!! You may want to read my other posts for background, my husband has been very controlling over the years and I fell back in Love with my first love after 18, after I went looking for him. Ive looked for him for many years and been rebuffed and lost him but this time he recriprocated my advance and yes I appreciate they should have been warning signals to get out of my marriage then however about a month ago, my first love starting to get cold feet and was extremely worried we would get found out and what that would mean to my 6 year old so started to cool things, not too mention his girlfriend had started to snoop around what he was doing too. I was feeling ok with the affair at this point and if Im honest was helping me to cope with life at home. I did not have any feelings of guilt towards my husband, by this point I had lost any respect I had for him, how could I, I just couldnt face the fallout of leaving him. And he had already threatened I wouldnt see my son and he would make him hate me if I did.

 

Then about a fortnight ago my first love made the classic schoolboy error and left his phone unattended and failed to delete his messages, he still doesnt know if his girlfriend has read them but decided at this point to make a decision that we should either be friends only or go no contact!! I decided that we would be friends but in the meantime it has actually turned into NC as i cant stand the non-loving txts he sends on minute and caring ones the next. However rather than me concentrating on my marriage its actually made me realise that I must get out of my relationship with my husband and I have asked my husband for a separation and we have talked endlessly about our past and where we went wrong, we have discussed everything about the marriage allbeit not the cheating, he would really make life difficult if this came to light as his previous wife cheated on him also. He is beginning to understand my decision. He does want to try again at some point and we have managed to remain good friends and I havnt ruled this out if we start from the very very beginning, dating etc. But at the moment i cant even stand him near me, he disgusts me at the moment, I spent years sleeping with him because he said it was duty and he used to continually moan at me to dress up or he would find somebody else who would or trade me in. I come to the point where I couldnt stand another day of waking up next to him. I do believe i was truly in love with the other man and would have ended my marriage probably at some point for him had the affair continued, or at the very least may have gone on to cheat again. So my question will I always be in love with my first love and just have to accept these feelings and that I will never have feelings as strong as this for anybody else and stop looking for something that isnt there or have I just been in the wrong relationship for 15 years which I feel too trapped and unconfident.

 

By the way my husband is still convinced I am making a mistake and i will be sorry when Im alone in my 40's single with a child in a gotty old flat with nothing!!!