Dmoney28 Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Hey everyone on LS. well i'll keep this post as short as possible since i probly posted 4 or 5 other times, just need a diffrent opinon. My ex of 3 1/2 years broke up with me because i cheated(ok, yes it was wrong, i know, was a scumbag and a jerk). The look on her face when she found out, cut my very soul in half...i hurt this woman and it killed me. I didnt expect to hear from her, but despite her family and friends warnings, she called and txt me during this time. I assured her it wasnt her fault, i try and explain my action and how sorry i was( i sat through a lot of angry "how could you" and "what were you thinking" questions...really angry) but i knew i deserved it, cuz i loved her and was sorry.. I did my best to resolve all questions she had so she could heal. After a month of the calls and txt, and me giving gifts and apologizing she wanted NC and said we could never be together...and i agreed(dying inside though). Now during this whole time, i turned my life around for the good. I stop having sex, i picked up on my psychologist sessions(im bipolar) to adress honesty issues, i went back to church for moral footing, i stopped drinking and cut off alot of bad association, reconnected with my family. Im proud of my progress, i honestly see life way diffrent now. I feel like im a good person who did bad things...in my next relationship, im going to be 100% faithful here is the situation...my ex broke her NC...alot. After 6 days is started out as "you ok"...then it went from "is this nightmare still real"..."how did this happen, i dont hate you, i;ll never hate you"....then 3 days later again after NC ..."i went to the dentist today, got my teeth clean". It seems like she contacts me for the silliest reasons and goes on about her day and whats going on Now dont me wrong, i love to hear from her. She calls me babe and baby. She enjoys the post i write on Craigslist about how i miss her and how great she is. But one day she txt me and thanks me for a post i put up...then txt's me to read her reply to it........ it read a such.."how could you do this to me, how did you ruin our relationship, you have no idea what you drug me through..im still mad at you and only you...but somehow i still have love for you..this pain is getting worse, you never loved me, what a slap in my face that you moved on"...she calls me and apologizes 3 min later. i again say how sorry i am, its not her fault, she didnt deserve this...and i am changing my life for the good, cuz i realize i wasnt being a good person, i was battling with bipolar for most of life. And i still had a deep love in my heart for her. It seems like nothing i did or am doing shows her im sorry. Nothing seems good enough. ok, i realize i hurt this girl...and i am trully remorsefull for what i did. Everyone in my life see's how i changed and become a better person. I know i did a horrible act of betrayal...2 months of no sleeping(and counting), 15 pounds i lost and i think i have a ulcer. but people make mistakes every day...im not an evil person, and i did everything possible to change my life...a complete 180...a sincere 180.( i went as far as putting up youtube vids of me apologizing and pages of letters i sent apologizing during the first week after the break up) I love her...and of course i would do anything to get her back...but i realize its a 1 in a trillion chance. Were not together anymore...why does she keep badgering me with anger? If we were working on building our relationship back...i can understand and would sit and take the abuse. But she made it clear she dosent want me back. I never intiated contact, i tried and respect her space and time. I feel like im being punished for things i cant undo...by a person who wants the right to unload her anger over and over again...but dosent want to give me the chance to work on our former relationship I read this is what men go through WHEN THIER EXE'S take them back..the outburst of anger over the cheating...but were not ever doing that. I thought she wanted to move on? Anyone ...espeacially women, know why she is doing this? Should i continue and take this abuse...even though she dosent want to be together? Whats up with her mood swings..from nice and talkative...to angry?
quankanne Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 she's angry, that's why she keeps doing this, and she's going to vent until all the venom is gone. And that's her privilege. HOWEVER ... about you ... even if you want to hear from her, yadda yadda, even if you still love her, YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT ENFORCING NO CONTACT. Because at this point, it's not only the smart thing, it's the right thing to do. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm not trying to boss you around, just trying to point out that YOU have the means of staying in control of the situation, because frankly, what you've just written is as confusing as hell, and she's not going to get her head straight if you keep allowing her to break the very rule she set up. you know?
Angel1111 Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Because the cycle of healing from this kind of thing is very, very, very difficult and it takes about 2 solid years to fully stop feeling the pain - and she doesn't realize this; and she doesn't understand this emotional roller coaster she's on. She's still trying to get answers, closure, and - believe it or not - she probably wants the two of you to be back together again, regardless of what she tells you. And, not only that, now that you've made this 180, it's probably killing her that you decide to do this now. She's probably thinking, "Why wasn't I enough?" "Why wouldn't he make these changes for ME?" And she gets none of the benefit of this new you. What happened between the two of you probably nearly destroyed her self-esteem, while she still loves you. Extreme anger and love are very difficult to juggle emotionally. I think she wants you to be the one to come to her. I think she wants to know you love her, that you're willing to stick your neck out and risk it all to get her back. It sounds like you really do love her. Why don't you give it another try? Why don't you chase her, pursue her, send her flowers - everything a man in love would do to get a woman back. Forget about how she might reject you. Just give it a try to see what happens. She just needs to know that you desire her the way you desired the other woman you slept with, she needs to know that you'd chase her. When she opens communication with you, I'm guessing that she's hinting to you that she's still open to reconciliation. But she needs for YOU to be the one to make the effort, and ask her to give you another chance. And when you don't, she reverts back to anger. See the cycle? But if she's totally adverse to getting back with you, then you need to tell her that all this discussion about the past is getting neither of you anywhere if there's no chance of making it work again.
Jilly Bean Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 she's angry, that's why she keeps doing this, and she's going to vent until all the venom is gone. And that's her privilege. Entirely succinct and accurate. You hurt her deeply, and she needs you to understand that pain. My BF and I broke up months ago, and still got into the cause of the breakup (again) recently. I thought I had it all out of me, but apparently there was some lingering. lol
Author Dmoney28 Posted October 29, 2008 Author Posted October 29, 2008 thanks for the input guys...and thanks for the advice Angel111. She emailed me and said she was hurt, and felt i was angry on the phone. I called her and apologize dif i came off angry. We talked for a bit. So yeah..the cycle thing is true, she seemed "normal" again. Im thinking about sending her flower friday...good idea? may by the grace of gad...she is open to a second chance, maybe thats the reason why she broke her NC, that and to realease the flurries of hell when she spoke. I know she still loves me. So...i'll will wait it out for a while and take the anger and questions that i answered a million times before...(i never knew a woman could reach through the cell phone and claw scratch)...i have thick skin...and she deserves it after what i put her through.....this is going to be a rough ride, but she is worth it;)
Author Dmoney28 Posted November 3, 2008 Author Posted November 3, 2008 thanks again for all the input guys. Well, since we last talked, i sent flowers. She enjoyed them. She has started e-mailing now. No angry e-mails so far, but she just goes on about the things going on in her life. Now she calls and talks about how strange it is not being together, and how she misses me. She says she accidenttly told her boss i love you before hanging up. She has been looking at my myspace page and pics. Says she happy im having fun, and how she never thought that we were this close in our relationship....Not sure if she is still really angry with me (im guesing yeah). Is she thinking about second chance?...or is this part of that post-break up contact?...that she said she didnt want. Or is she feeling me out to see if i really did change Im confused. I respected her wish for NC. ....i know its only been 2 months since we broke up (3 1/2 year relationship)
Angel1111 Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 I love that you sent flowers. That's awesome. I can see where her behavior is confusing to you but I don't think she's playing games with you. She is genuinely wounded but is also trying to get past it because she feels that you're worth it, and only wants some normalcy in her life again. If you think you're confused, you should try living in her world. She's trying to make sense of everything and is trying to find the calm in the storm, a life raft to keep her afloat. Sometimes "respecting" someone's request for NC can come across as not caring. It's a dangerous place to be - especially for a guy. There's that juggle between still being respectful but also letting the person know you still care and have feelings. Let her know that even though you were being respectful of her, it was killing you not to be able to talk to her. It'll make her feel better to know that -- provided that it's true, of course. Keep us posted. I wish you the best.
BikerBeagle Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 First of all, the subject of this thread is misleading ...she dumped you because you cheated on her. Do you really think it is fair - to her - to want her back? She's hurt and she's angry and I think you are using that pain - sending her flowers, wtf? - to get another shot. That's the way I see it. I can't imagine it working out. Do you know the statistics on the success of relationships after infidelity? ...they are like single digit percentages. You sound like a truly apologetic person, you've taken responsibility for your actions, I respect that ...but you need to respect your ex. The two of you were over the minute you pulled out "jr" for someone else ...and, now, you are just dragging her, repeatedly, back through the mud and muck for your own selfish gains every time you talk to her. Man up and do the right thing ...let her go.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 First of all, the subject of this thread is misleading ...she dumped you because you cheated on her. Do you really think it is fair - to her - to want her back? She's hurt and she's angry and I think you are using that pain - sending her flowers, wtf? - to get another shot. That's the way I see it. I can't imagine it working out. Do you know the statistics on the success of relationships after infidelity? ...they are like single digit percentages. You sound like a truly apologetic person, you've taken responsibility for your actions, I respect that ...but you need to respect your ex. The two of you were over the minute you pulled out "jr" for someone else ...and, now, you are just dragging her, repeatedly, back through the mud and muck for your own selfish gains every time you talk to her. Man up and do the right thing ...let her go. Too true, too true. If you can win her back Dmoney, I am happy for you but... Constantly going after her, even if its successful, is a bit selfish I think.
Author Dmoney28 Posted November 4, 2008 Author Posted November 4, 2008 I understand your point guys. But i respected her NC. I never tried contacting her first. She wanted space.....i gave it to her. She wanted questions answered...i answered them. What ever she wanted from me ..i did. I even asked her..."by us talking, is this a problem for you?..if it is...we can stop". She said she still wants to talk. I dont think im being out of line. I love her. Maybe because we both have a christian background...that forgiveness and repentance is a factor. Everyone makes mistakes...some greater than others. But as humans no one is immune to causing hurt....and we all can learn and not cause it again My original question post was asking.."why does she keep calling ME and badgering me with angry questions and comments"......not "why doesnt my ex take me back". We had broken up...i accepted that......according to your standards and reasoning i should have just walked off and gave her no closure(leave her alone someone said i believe). Not answering her question and leave her wondering is kinda bad as well isnt it? Most guys who cheat dont give a crap...they say "oh well"...and keep banging other women. Or they give lame excuses and get angry when thier GF dosent want them....i did neither of these things. . But i sat through hours and days of angry calls week after week, to help resolve these issues in her. I still lover her..she still has love for me. What is so bad about forgeving another person?....and the person who messed up to do everything in thier power to become better and reformned?. I know i messed up huge (2 months of insomnia, a ulcer and depression shows that.) She is an adult, almost 30 years old. I think she can make choices on her own by now.....did you guys read the whole topic? like i said i respect your comments. But if she wants to start out again slow and allow me to earn back her trust.....im going to. I have no secret agenda, im not getting back because i want sex(i havent had sex since we broke up). I just want be a good person and love her 100%.....IF she wants that. We can say dump him, or whatever. But all of our situations and relationships are diffrent. I have no idea what went on in someone elses life, the expriece, the love...etc. So who am i to say "dump him/her because they cheated. Once again , no disrespect. Always good to hear both sides of an issue.
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