MM-Do you miss OW when you go NC?

[smile711]

Very long story short-I have been posting on the OM/OW forum but thought my question could be better answered on this one. My story: 2 1/2 year affair with co worker...he left once and went back a couple days later to work on things...he left again in the spring and lived with me for 4 months. His family would have nothing to do with him b/c he was leaving his W...they wouldn't speak to him or invite him to get togethers. He packed up and went back 12 weeks ago. We have not had any contact in 65 days (but who's counting? ). My question is this-if you are a MM who has gone NC...do you think about OW? We were planning a life together...marriage and vacations (we went on one for a week while we were living together) and where we would live and what our home would look like. He was making plans with me well into the future...told everyone that he was the happiest he had ever been and he knew he did the right thing by being with me. Then he left. I know it was the pressure and stress of not being around his family. They are everything to him.

 

I am getting by with counseling and meditation and the help of family and friends. But I think about him every day. He recently asked a mutual friend how I was doing and was I seeing or talking to anyone. She started to tell him and he told her to stop. He couldn't handle hearing about it. I know men are different from women...does he think about me too? I know it doesn't matter because he is who he is and he did what he did (I was not his first affair but I was the first he left home for) but in a twisted sick way, it matters to me. Just looking for some info from MM who have been there.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Honey, I have a few questions for you, one: could you betray a spouse that you love???? A nd two, would you forsake someone you did not love for someone you loved? The answer is not about kids. or a wife, but about a specific, somewhat challenged individual. You can't change that. By the way... that's my motto!

[imagine]

According to Dr Harley of marriage builders.com fame, a woman will be more likely to shut down a relationship than a man. A man will tend to keep all memories of romantic liaisons close to heart.

 

Despite all your planning for the future with this man, you had less than a 1% chance of "making it" through a five year period according to statistics.

 

Yes, I'm afraid that an affair is a very poor basis for a real relationship. In many cases it almost requires the presence of a married partner to sustain it.

 

You are feeling heartache at the loss of contact with your affair partner. Have empathy with his wife and family who will have to endure not only the heartache but also the insecurity of living with him.

 

I wish you love.

[cherrymoon]

yes he misses you, yes he thinks of you and yes you meant something to him.

However his family DO NOT MEAN THE WORLD TO HIM if they did he would not be behaving the way he is.

 

He truly only cares about himself and the reason he has returned to his wife is very very simple.

He has returned to give him the sense that he is a decent man. He went back to keep his image intact.

She has taken him back because for some sick reason she needs him.

He is extremely selfish, he will carry on as he has been. You will be replaced by another woman and his wife will accept it.

You see you probably would kick his ass to the curb when he cheated on you which would happen had ye stayed together. his wife will put up with it.

 

I know this because the Fool I had an affair with is exactly the same and he admitted the precept that people have of him is more important.

His image as a father and husband was more important.

He does think of me he has tried to keep up contact. He fixed his life and then contacted me and asked if I would consider going away with him.

so you see you could have been the one but in truth he is the one.

 

Move on accept the pain go with it breath through it and discover who you are. Stay away from married men they nearly always return to the familiarity of home and find yourself a real man.

 

I hope that they forget about us, I hope my H doesn't think of his ex anymore I sure as hell don't think of that fool.

Be strong and enjoy looking after yourself. DO NOT MAKE CONTACT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

I wish you real love and happiness

[Owl]

His "missing you" goes through multiple phases, just like your emotions for him do as well.

 

Its all part of that "addiction" cycle.

 

For the first few weeks, he's an emotional wreck. Yes, he misses you insanely. He tries to find any excuse he can to renege on his NC plan. He's obsessed with the thought of you.

 

Then that suddenly goes through a huge change. A light switch kicks on and he sees things from outside of just his own little perspective. One day, he looks over and sees his wife as she's helping him, and realizes she's got tears streaming silently down her face...all the while she's helping him deal with his pain, he sees that she's been silently enduring her own as well.

 

He gets that wake up call to what he's been doing. Who all he's been hurting. He stops and looks around and can't believe his eyes at what all has changed while he was "away".

 

He starts making changes...working on the marriage for real, instead of just giving it lip service. Spending time with his family, instead of sitting there obsessing about you.

 

Thoughts of you still creep up. For a while, he'll think about you several times a day. Wondering if you're alright, hoping things turned out well for you, feeling bad for the pain he knows that he put you through. These are the times when he's weak and might break NC.

 

Those times fade even further. Thoughts of you come further and further apart.

 

As he's working through recovery with his wife, he begins to associate that pain he caused her (and himself) with his thoughts of you. He doesn't "hate" you...but he no longer looks back on what happened as a golden time. He looks back at it now as his biggest mistake. He sees how stupid and selfish his actions were during the affair...and can still see the pain that his wife suffered as a result.

 

The rosy glow about the affair is gone. When he looks back, his biggest question now is..."what in the heck was I thinking?".

 

If it helps...realilze that you're going to be going through a very similar process on your side as well. And you too will end up asking that same question eventually.

[LucreziaBorgia]

The rosy glow about the affair is gone. When he looks back, his biggest question now is..."what in the heck was I thinking?".

 

 

That is very, very true. I speak from experience.

[smile711]

But do you think it's possible he will never change? He is 20 years older than me and he has been cheating his entire marriage. I knew about at least 10 affairs before me. I know, I know...I was an idiot to think that he would change for me.

 

Cherrymoon-I agree with you 100%. He has no kids and he went back to save face with people. The only consolation is that his image took a hit because the truth about him and I came out anyways. He has lost a lot of respect from a lot of people because of all of his lies.

 

Owl-I understand what you're saying. I just think that I have a greater potential to make changes in my life than he does because this has been a pattern of behavior for him for 20 years. When I think back on all the bad things that he said about his wife, I realize that he never really cared about anyone but himself and there's a good chance he never will. He is a liar, a cheater, an alcoholic, and a drug addict. I don't see him having an epiphany any time soon!

[pkn06002]

 

As he's working through recovery with his wife, he begins to associate that pain he caused her (and himself) with his thoughts of you. He doesn't "hate" you...but he no longer looks back on what happened as a golden time. He looks back at it now as his biggest mistake. He sees how stupid and selfish his actions were during the affair...and can still see the pain that his wife suffered as a result.

 

 

You know Owl I agree with everything but this part. Because I have yet to meet someone that had an affair that truly will admit to that type of thinking. They will pay lip service to it but not real honest belief. I think what you stated is what everyone would like to believe happens. Especially the BS.

 

Because of the simple reason if the WS cared that much about the person they "hurt" they would've NEVER of hurt them in the first place. This magic idea that all of a sudden the cheater cares about their BS in this fashion is not the real world. The thoughts of why you cheated are still there, they do not magically go away.

 

Oh and to go with the thread:

Yes he thinks about you, but like Owl stated the thoughts will fade. Yours will to, don't worry. I went through everything that Owl stated accept the part I disagree with. I have a whole journal of thoughts on my OW.

[smile711]

I am sick and twisted and stupid. I don't want his thoughts of me to fade, though mine are. It's only a little each day, but I think of him less than I did 12 weeks ago. I know that that is good for me, but there is still a small part of me that wants him to want me back. It would not have been a healthy relationship-that I understand-but the known devil always seem preferable to the unknown one. To say the things that he said to me and then POOF-be gone?!? It still baffles me and it always will. Friends and family continue to try to convince me that I have dodged a bullet and that I will realize it someday. Rationally, I know that. Emotionally, I want him to suffer a little longer than me. It's not right but it's the way that I feel and I'm just trying to be honest!

[Angel1111]

Of course you want him to miss you - there's nothing twisted about that. It's only natural. You want to know that what the two of you shared and planned actually meant something. It sounds to me that he does miss you and thinks about you, and apparently can't handle possibly hearing that you're seeing someone else.

 

He's had a LOT of affairs which indicates that he has a crappy marriage, but it also indicates that he needs to figure out a better way to handle this problem than what he's been doing. He is obviously miserable but having that many affairs is really over the top. He needs to stop giving his family so much power over his life - not that you have any control over his decisions - but that's what he needs to do. He's truly wasting his time and life by letting himself be controlled in such a way.

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you and I wish things had worked out better. That must've been devastating to watch him go back after everything you and he had planned. I'm so sorry.

[fingersniffer]

Smile, as the person most deeply betrayed by my "loving" wife, I know a few things. I mean these nicely, so please take them as things to grow stronger witth.

 

You are stupid, so stupid to have become involved with a married man. It doesnt matter if his wife is Sarah Palin, you have no right or reason on getting involved with him.

 

You dont matter a damn to him. You are/were someone to screw. He told you about hopes and dreams? he told you that he loved/loves you? he left his wife for you? You are a piece of flesh, and to fool yourself into thinking anything else is dangerous and stupid. You are the endzone and he got to touch down.

 

He is filth. Men that do that to their families are not the kind of people that should be allowed to have families. They are selfish and self centred and cannot have a heart, often nothing more than an erection.

Did he listen to your problems? did he comfort you? did he care for you when you were down? And then did he bed you? Mmmmm nice. You are the hunteed, and he is the hunter, and he got the big catch didnt he? Move on. Tell yourself exactly what you know is true, that youre another bumper sticker in a series of them. You may be the OW, but I hope that youre better than he is, because he is filth.

[jj33]

Smiles you are focusing on the wrong thing. This nonsense of hoping against hope that he is thinking of you....its normal but

 

so what if he is?? What then. There is unlikely to much more of a devil than him. You need time IC and whatever else to make you see this. The man didnt treat you well so SO WHAT if he is thinking of you.

 

In his case the fact that he was married is not even secondary its about 100th on the list of reasons why he would be a VERY VERY bad choice of a person for you to be involved with.

 

You need time to see that. Stop torturing youself if you possibly can. You are lonely or you wouldnt be focusing on him. thats what you need to accept. That is the issue you need to deal with and face head on, not whether he is thinking of you.

[carhill]

But do you think it's possible he will never change? He is 20 years older than me and he has been cheating his entire marriage. I knew about at least 10 affairs before me.

 

You have a very special box in his NPD box collection. So, within that box, yes, he misses you. Then he puts that box away and smiles at his wife and kids, pulls out that box and is the ideal husband that all his friends and family adore.

 

Comfort yourself by knowing that you live in the real world, not some artificial construct within your mind. A prison, as it were. Conjugal visits are allowed, but ultimately it is a prison of the mind. Pity him, if anything.

[smile711]

carhill-I'm not sure what NPD means, but I really connected with what you said about me living in the real world and not in some artificial place in my mind. My feelings of fear and anxiety are not as bad as they used to be and sometimes I feel a little relieved that it's over. Then, of course, I feel bad for feeling that way-guilty, like I'm betraying him in some way. It's just that I have come clean with everyone about everything and it feels really good not to lie all the time to continue a relationship.

 

jj33-I know everything you're saying is right but it's so hard sometimes! I will do really well for a few days and then have a day when things are screwed up in my mind. Though I know you've read a lot of my other posts and you know I'm doing WAY better than I was 70 days ago...which was the last time I had contact with him! There are so many reasons I shouldn't be with him and I just have to remind myself of those reasons every day. We tend to remember only the good things when we're sad and scared and that's what I've been doing lately.

 

fingersniffer-I appreciate your comment and I need to respectfully disagree with a couple of things. I do believe that he is not a good person, for a good person would not do this to his W repeatedly. I also know that it was stupid of me to get involved with a MM, but I've already admitted that and dealt with it and I can't spend one more day dwelling on it. I can only commit to never doing that again. I know that you will disagree with me, but I believe that for a period of time, I was more than a piece of a** to him. I don't think that you walk out on a 20 year marriage if you only like the sex with someone else. And I am a better person than him and I'm living a healthier life now.

[jj33]

Smiles you are doing great and I know how you feel. The A I was in has been over for well over a year and I still miss him sometimes. Thats life.

 

One thing I am realizing lately is its a choice and it takes time to make that choice to decide that enough is enough and yes it is over and no he is not an option. When the thoughts come up rather than languishing in them (how wonderful it would be if you were together). Because its an illusion. Its something we tell ourselves when other things seem bleak.

 

And its ok to tell yourself that so long as you know in your heart that its not the truth. You had some nice moments together and what you are really wishing for is to share these feelings with someone else and one day you will.

 

Take good care you are doing great.

[Lizzie60]

You have a very special box in his NPD box collection. So, within that box, yes, he misses you. Then he puts that box away and smiles at his wife and kids, pulls out that box and is the ideal husband that all his friends and family adore.

 

Comfort yourself by knowing that you live in the real world, not some artificial construct within your mind. A prison, as it were. Conjugal visits are allowed, but ultimately it is a prison of the mind. Pity him, if anything.

 

I think he really misses you.. whenever he's alone, driving around, in bed at night, making love to his W.. he does think about you.. for sure...

 

Does he think of you as much as YOU think of him.. I doubt it..

[smile711]

I know that I am really missing the feelings and not so much him. I miss coming home to someone and having someone to eat dinner with and go places with. What I really need to work on now is learning how to be alone and knowing that it's OK to be. And I need to make sure that I don't settle (again) for just anyone because of my fear of being alone.

 

lizzie-Thanks for the reply. I know I'm probably on his mind but it's good to hear someone say that...or write that, I mean! And though I think about him too much, I'm proud to say that it's not half as much as I used to. Time does heal, I guess. I've been going out and doing things and meeting people (that includes UNmarried men!) and I am beginning to realize that there is life to be found out there without him. I am grateful that I can come and go as I please and he cannot because of his W's (understandable) mistrust of him. My life is filled with possibilities and I have to stop being scared of the unknown and start embracing it more.

[Lizzie60]

That's good.. keep up the good work... you can do it.. you can be free and happy even WITHOUT any men full time

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Sweet, have already made a mistake, now is the time to move on. Take courage in that you are away from a conniving, manipulative, self-serving man. Don't be like some of the heart hardened career mistresses who could careless about the evils the wrought. Don't obess over if he misses you or not. While it is not fundamentally sick or twisted to still desire the man, it is no different than the love an abused spouse would have for their tormenting partner, it should be addressed and dealt with until you find a relative level of peace and ability to disassociate those longing feelings to just mere memories.

 

Don't ask if he thinks about you. Nor should you care. What you should now focus on is what you need to do to make yourself whole and how do you wish to carry on any future relationships. Look, dispite all you feel for him, THIS WAS NOT A GOOD MAN! Unless if you don't care how he treats women and his family. If you like living in the world of lying and betrayal, then fine, do what you will. But, if you aren't that type, then make your peace with yourself and make the changes for the positive.

 

I wish you well.

 

 

DNR