No more Mr. Nice Guy

[Constant]

Why did you guys break up?

 

We broke up because we thought it was best, she has a lot of stress on her plate and I felt that by letting her go - it would take off much needed stress from her shoulders. I still offered my support and still do and I wanted to get back together, but she decided she doesn't want to and wishes me well on finding someone special - someone who will make me happy! She makes me happy, she is special to me. I thought with my head and not with my heart and now I regret it.

[Vertex]

What were your logical reasons for ending it?

[Constant]

What entered my mind was that she wasn't in a position to sustain her Uni life and a relationship. We were together for about one month before it became long distance. She is obviously struggling so I wanted to take pressure and stress off of her shoulders. I felt it was right at the time and I always thought we'd get back together at a later date. How naive - that doesn't happen! She misses her friends, family, the pressure of her course is dragging her down, the relationship was another huge pressure esp it being a long distance. I had her best interests at heart the whole time. Her happiness meant more to me than my own happiness. Probably not logical, but that's how I thought and felt.

[manugeorge]

Thanks, Capper. You speak a lot of sense, but I know for a fact that "nice"/"good" women do not exist.

 

 

And I'm assuming this is because you have met the 3 billion + of them on the planet:rolleyes:

[Constant]

And I'm assuming this is because you have met the 3 billion + of them on the planet:rolleyes:

 

No. God, no! The thought of meeting one woman is more than enough. Anyway, what help is this exactly?

[D-Lish]

I find that men often think that they need to be a jerk to hold on to, or attract a woman.

 

Being a doormat IS NOT what a woman wants in a man.... but most stable confident women don't want someone to treat them like crap.

 

Being a nice guy with confidence is ideal. A guy that is trustworthy and loyal... yet stands up for himself.

 

When a woman accuses you of being "too nice" (yes, it's an accusation)- she is calling you a doormat. I want a man to stand up to me- to confront me if I am out of line. That fosters respect in a relationship.

 

I have dated a few guys that would follow me around, want to do everything for me and even apologize constantly- For things I did wrong!

It drove me crazy. I just could not respect those guys.

 

Ideally, a man is confident enough to be assertive, take no crap- but be loyal and trustworthy as a human being. Yes- a nice guy with a backbone.

 

You can be a nice guy and still stand up for yourself.

But some guys are so nice they'd allow you to get away with murder and still apologize.

[Vertex]

If you think about it, it makes perfect sense.

 

If your girl or boyfriend lacks a backbone, there's no interaction. There's no "meeting in the middle" on anything. They basically just let you call all the shots. It's not a relationship where there's active interaction. It can be really annoying to always be the one making all the decisions in a relationship. It's not exciting or ideal. If I wanted to call all my own shots, I'd just stay single. But sometimes people like to actually get input once in a while -- have someone stand up for their own thoughts and opinions. Confidence helps both people keep each other in check. Otherwise you're skewing everything to one side, and that makes for a poor relationship -- a relationship is two people.

[manugeorge]

No. God, no! The thought of meeting one woman is more than enough. Anyway, what help is this exactly?

 

You can't put a blanket judgement on ALL women just because one or two of them tore your heart out.

 

Love is not quid pro quo you know? Just because you love someone doesn't mean they have to love you back. Life is not nearly that fair and none of us is above heartache, so you Mr. do not get special treatment.

 

So you were prince charming and she failed to recognize that, pssshh, you will now give up on ALL women because you are so fixated on what one of them did to you?. Do you even realize how ridiculous that sounds? You will give one person, one woman that much power over your existence?

 

If we all did that the very first times we get dumped, would any of us later find happy and fufilling relationships?

 

Break ups suck, trust me, they suck a big fat one, but you grieve and move on with life. That is what people do. Not become bitter, jaded and swear off the other gender entirely, because of one crappy break up.

[Dexter Morgan]

I've tried treating women nice, treating women with respect and tried to make a woman happy, but I realized one thing. Women like Jerks and I am not a Jerk, but a doormat. Women spin me lines like "You're a nice guy, some day a woman will make you happy" usually my Ex's tell me this trash.

 

But the funny thing is, those same women will go after players for obvious reasons, then shout out, "men are pigs" when these guys play them.

 

 

Well as of today, I'm gonna be a Grade A Jerk. Women are all the same (heartless) so I'm just gonna use them for sex and throw them aside when I'm done.

 

Well while I wouldn't go that far, you will get alot of sex out of it. come across as cocky(which most women will say confident not realizing there aint much difference) and you will get your juke on!

[Dexter Morgan]

I've tried treating women nice, treating women with respect and tried to make a woman happy, but I realized one thing. Women like Jerks and I am not a Jerk, but a doormat.

 

 

Well they can deny it all they want, but all you have to do is work out, get that perfect body, look as close as you can to a Men's Health model, and you will get the women. Personality comes 2nd to being an adonis.

[manugeorge]

 

Well while I wouldn't go that far, you will get alot of sex out of it. come across as cocky(which most women will say confident not realizing there aint much difference) and you will get your juke on!

 

This is true if you are looking to pump them and dump them so ultimately it depends on your motivation. If you are looking for pieces of ass and no substance, being a jerk will probably work well. But I can guarantee you that it gets old very fast, nothing makes you feel more empty.

 

And there is a huge difference between confidence and cockyness. See cockyness is just insecurity masking itself and people see through this easily. Even the ones who indulge you are snickering behind your back knowing that you are merely trying to disguise your insecurites.

 

Confidence is within, confidence is not beligerrent, it doesn't boast or brag, half the time, confidence will walk into a room and not even utter a word but by God, does it ooze. and it oozes major sexiness.

 

Confident men are usually the sweetest, most genuinely nice people you know. They will give you an eye if they care about you but will never let you all walk over them no matter how much they care about you.

[O'Malley]

 

Do you even realize how ridiculous that sounds? You will give one person, one woman that much power over your existence?

 

You're not wrong for acting 'nice' (and niceness is a decision, not an overall character trait) but for believing that because you acted 'nice' to your ex, that both of you would always want the same things. Clearly she does not now; it sounds like a relationship where the two people simply drifted apart. It's about finding the right person for you, and if you give as much as you take, then someone who fails to appreciate that about you clearly isn't right for you. Rejection never feels good, but would you feel more confident if someone stayed with you out of loyalty or pity?

 

'Nice guys/women' versus 'bad boys/girls' is as realistic as discussing people with issues and those without issues. Every human has some issues -- including those who only act 'nice' or 'bad' in order to make people cling to them. 'Nice' does not equate to placating; if you feel you're being used, you need to step up to the plate and discuss it with the person; if they persist in treating you in the same way, then it's time to leave. Instead of playacting as a cocky manipulator, why not take what you consider are your strengths, and play them up? Educational, athletics, music, whatever it is, you will feel more confident (and appear more attractive) when you do those things that bring out the best in you. And as far as attracting anyone initially, working out and making the most of your physical appearance is always a good idea.

[Dexter Morgan]

Confident men are usually the sweetest, most genuinely nice people you know.

 

And that is a death kiss when it comes to dealing with women.

 

Sweet and nice gets you treated like crap.

[carhill]

I've tried treating women nice, treating women with respect and tried to make a woman happy, but I realized one thing. Women like Jerks and I am not a Jerk, but a doormat. Women spin me lines like "You're a nice guy, some day a woman will make you happy" usually my Ex's tell me this trash. Well as of today, I'm gonna be a Grade A Jerk. Women are all the same (heartless) so I'm just gonna use them for sex and throw them aside when I'm done.

 

(Yeah, I am hurting from my recent split of two days ago, that's not the point)

OP, when you can accept rejection and be unaffected at your philosophical core, you will have arrived.

 

Be true to yourself (others have outlined this prior) and into your life people who are good for you will come.

[angryyoungman70]

I've tried treating women nice, treating women with respect and tried to make a woman happy, but I realized one thing. Women like Jerks and I am not a Jerk, but a doormat. Women spin me lines like "You're a nice guy, some day a woman will make you happy" usually my Ex's tell me this trash. Well as of today, I'm gonna be a Grade A Jerk. Women are all the same (heartless) so I'm just gonna use them for sex and throw them aside when I'm done.

 

(Yeah, I am hurting from my recent split of two days ago, that's not the point)

 

 

Brotha, I hear you! I am the proverbial "Nice Guy", I'm educated, in good shape, attractive, witty, have a good career, am outdoorsy, cultured, artistic, handy, all that. I have a plethora of attractive female friends...that's it. Only friends. I do not get laid, even though I think I'm better than average and have porn-star stamina. All of my female friends go in for a-hole jerks who treat them like crap. I just don't get it.

 

Unfortunately for guys like you and me...once you've been placed in the "Friend-Zone", that's it. Forget about ever being romantically involved.

 

I've accepted my fate and realize that I'm not a jerk and could not be a jerk. It just isn't who I am. So unfortunately for me...abstinance. Gee...it's like I'm married all over again....

[manugeorge]

OP, when you can accept rejection and be unaffected at your philosophical core, you will have arrived.

 

 

Now, there are some wise words, if I may say so.

 

There's confidence for ya!

[manugeorge]

And that is a death kiss when it comes to dealing with women.

 

Sweet and nice gets you treated like crap.

 

hmmm, my boyfriend is sweet and nice and he'll confirm that I treat him like gold but then again, I know a good thing when I find one.

[BrooklynBridge]

I'm an as$hole and I get the hottest women to fall for me.

 

Works. Every. Time.

[Mahatma]

When you just meet a new woman, that is when you treat her as if her value is dirt... mostly because it is and should be.

 

Take for example when you meet a new guy friend. Are you going to go out of your way to be the nicest person ever to that new guy in hopes that he will like you more and you can be best friends for eternity? NO. And if you do, that new guy will see you as a big pushover and will use use you.

 

You must not place value in a woman before she has proven her value to you. Then you may show her value and treat her well.

 

For any women reading this, this applies to you too. If you meet a guy and just do things for him and immediately place high value in him, he will disrespect you.

 

Usually though, guys are the ones who have this problem because any new woman they meet tends to be put into a "future prospect" category and not so much as a new acquaintance/friend.

[carhill]

As I see it, the risk in the "dirt" philosophy is that no one moves beyond dirt so no meaningful relationship results.

 

As some point, in some way, someone has to care more. This risks loss of power, but giving up some power within one's comfort zone shouldn't unduly impact one's self esteem or "love bank". This is the function of time and "timing". Incremental steps, with validation along the way. It's a process™

[D-Jam]

I'm hearing you, D-Jam. Where did you get these pearls of wisdom from?

Experience. I came into my 20s a total doormat nice guy, but soon realized I was way too nice and shy for my own good. I fixed myself and built a more better balance, but still ended up rejected left and right as these women chased the bad men.

 

I first used to try to tell female friends in a supportive way that they deserve better for themselves than the bad men, but that didn't work. I later changed my tone to be sarcastic, and harsh...a slap of reality across their faces. Still didn't work to break the cycle as I'd see female friends slowly destroy themselves.

 

Then it hit me, these women are lost causes, so better to leave them end up in the personal hells they make for themselves (usually knocked up and abandoned), and instead tell all the nice and decent guys out there to STOP WASTING YOUR TIME on these particular women. To demand more out of life.

 

The one thing the nice guy can learn from the bad boy and should learn is not to tolerate BS. Bad boys treat women badly because they don't respect women in general. The reality is more that the nice guy should stop wasting time on the woman who has no respect for herself and instead seek out the average jane who has a spine, brain, and heart. The girl who laughs at the bad boys and thinks they are all full of sh*t.

 

I do not demand from people, who am I to demand? I'm no one special-just a "normal" man. I did feel like I got lucky when I got with her, the girl I wanted for months wanted me too.

It's one thing to feel lucky, but just because you managed to get a pretty girl to get with you doesn't mean you should never be afraid to ask for what you really feel you deserve out of a RL. Fearing she'll walk when you ask for the basic things like honesty, loyalty, respect, and communication...that's not a RL then. It's you appeasing her fragile ego until she feels better and decides she wants a bigger better deal.

 

I'm not saying you should demand your GF let you do anal or that she constantly maintains a low body fat, but you have a right to demand she communicate with you, is honest with you, and especially loyal to you when she takes on the title of "girlfriend".

 

I'd rather my GF right now walk on me when I ask for the basics than to tolerate being walked all over. She knows I won't tolerate any BS...and she respects me for it.

 

Imagine the combination of a man who won't tolerate any BS from an immature female AND will love and respect a female who gives him that same love and respect in return...

 

...sounds like the man most women with a brain shoot to find in the dating realm.

[Dexter Morgan]

hmmm, my boyfriend is sweet and nice and he'll confirm that I treat him like gold but then again, I know a good thing when I find one.

 

Then you are a rare find for him honey, kudos to you both.

[Constant]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I've decided that no matter how hard I try to change I won't able to. Meaningless sex just doesn't appeal to me. I'd rather die a virgin than have sex with someone I do not care about.

 

I've learnt that I have to let my ex go. No point in crying my eyes wishing things were different. They aren't - I have to move on and tackle the rest of the tribulations that will undoubtedly present themselves to me.

 

I've also learnt that I am bottom of the pile - I understand why girls do not like me and I understand why occasionally a girl will like me - but I am nothing special, never have been and I never will be. I remember being happy single and I will go back to being so - I also understand that there just isn't a right person for me. There never has been and there never has been.

[kizik]

I've also learnt that I am bottom of the pile - I understand why girls do not like me and I understand why occasionally a girl will like me - but I am nothing special, never have been and I never will be.

 

Wow, you are surely one ray of confident sunshine.

 

If you want ANYone in this f*cking world to like you - fix your attitude. You are what we call a negative person, at least judging from your words here. No one is ever going to think your special if YOU don't have a high opinion of yourself first.

 

That old cliche about loving oneself before one can be loved is eternally true.

 

But you seem to have decided that you are mediocre, essentially worthless, and not anything that anyone on here tells you is going to change your mind. So, enjoy looking at the world as if it's one giant piece of sh*t.

[kizik]

...you should never be afraid to ask for what you really feel you deserve out of a RL. Fearing she'll walk when you ask for the basic things like honesty, loyalty, respect, and communication...that's not a RL then. It's you appeasing her fragile ego until she feels better and decides she wants a bigger better deal

 

...

 

I'd rather my GF right now walk on me when I ask for the basics than to tolerate being walked all over. She knows I won't tolerate any BS...and she respects me for it.

 

Great post, dude. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of letting my ex walk all over me, and being afraid that if I voiced my concerns, she'd walk. (You hit the nail exactly, thanks brother for voicing it so well.) Well, f*ck it - I'm 24, plenty of time to bounce back. But I can't help but think if I'd just set some boundaries and had a spine, none of this would have happened.

 

However, my ex is a very uptight and negative person, while I think of myself as laid-back and happy. It was bound to end sooner or later. But I do regret being a doormat.

 

Life: one big lesson.