skinman Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Hello all, I recently found this site today and wish i had sooner. I have been going through misery for the past 2 months prior to my seperation 3 days ago. To start off I have been married for close to 16 years and 2 months ago out of the blue my wife tells me she is no longer in love with me. has no desire to be married to me anymore and could never think of in her words spreading her legs for me ever. I have been going to counseling for almost a month prior to our sep. trying to smooth things over with her but she has resisted any real contact except for pleasantries. Well on Sat. she got pissed and asked me to move out saying she needed space. She has said that we will use the whole year seperation before she decides on what she wants to do whether to try again or get a divorce. I will have finished packing up this weekend. My question is how do you use the NC when you have children ?. she gets mad or upset if I call or email her saying she needs her space. so with all of your wisdom from being in my shoes what would some advice be with regards to my girls and contacting her. I am broken hearted and cannot fight the urge to call or email. I can tell that she is quickly losing respect for me for trying to save our marriage. thanks for all your comments.
2sure Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I am sorry for your suffering. You ask how you can best go about seeing your children during initial seperation, and I know a little about this. First, you have already said that your W pretty much refuses all contact with you - so how how old are the children? Next, you mentioned that your W wants to do the full year of seperation recommended/required prior to divorce. Is there a legal filing or are you simply going to use different residences and use that? If you and your W cannot communicate effectively enough to arrange a visitation schedule prior to the divorce - then you are going to have to file a petition for visitation. This can be done at your local family court and usually does not require an attorney. Beware, however, that once you file this she will probably counter with one for support.
hyoctane Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 ... I can tell that she is quickly losing respect for me for trying to save our marriage... Ive just been though this with my STBXW! She isn't losing respect for you trying to save your marriage, she is losing respect in you for not respecting yourself. I'm assuming that you are trying to bargain your way out of this... "I'll do this if we can stay together..." or "If you come to counseling with me we can save this..." blah blah blah. You need to have a boost of self confidence -- easier said than done I know. You need time to YOURSELF... you need to learn to function on your own again before you can even think of trying to work on your marriage. You are attempting to hold on to her too tight. We cannot accept things when our hands are clenched tight holding on to something... I'm sure you are the one calling her, text messaging her, emailing her, etc. You need to take a step back and look at yourself... What originally attracted her to you? I'm sure it was your independence and the ability to provide for yourself. Now look at yourself, you are groveling at her feet, begging her and pleading with her. She sees you without self respect -- you need to gain that back in yourself. Don't call, don't email, don't text and you will make HER wonder... "What is he up to?" or "Why isn't he calling ME?" "Has he moved on?" -- you will be amazed at what will happen once you show some self respect and begin thinking about yourself. Hope that helps a little bit... It has helped me in my situation.
Melovator Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 . My question is how do you use the NC when you have children ?. she gets mad or upset if I call or email her saying she needs her space. You can't go NC when you have kids, as nice as the idea might be at times. All you can do is go LC- Low Contact. That is, all communication is to do with the children and business of raising your children only. So no talking about your relationship with her, no telling her what you're doing or how you are, or asking how she is. Think of it as a business arrangement and she's your business partner and keep it professional. Is it possible to arrange set times for you to talk to the children on the phone each day? That way when the phone rings she does not have to pick it up. Organising a visitation schedule before leaving the house might be an idea as well. Her desire for space does not come ahead of your children's need to have their father in their life. Focus on your kids and yourself. There's no point 'waiting' for your wife for a year. Use the time you will have to do things you always wanted to do but never got around to. Take a class, exercise. Find things you enjoy doing and do them.
Author skinman Posted October 29, 2008 Author Posted October 29, 2008 Ive just been though this with my STBXW! She isn't losing respect for you trying to save your marriage, she is losing respect in you for not respecting yourself. I'm assuming that you are trying to bargain your way out of this... "I'll do this if we can stay together..." or "If you come to counseling with me we can save this..." blah blah blah. You need to have a boost of self confidence -- easier said than done I know. You need time to YOURSELF... you need to learn to function on your own again before you can even think of trying to work on your marriage. You are attempting to hold on to her too tight. We cannot accept things when our hands are clenched tight holding on to something... I'm sure you are the one calling her, text messaging her, emailing her, etc. You need to take a step back and look at yourself... What originally attracted her to you? I'm sure it was your independence and the ability to provide for yourself. Now look at yourself, you are groveling at her feet, begging her and pleading with her. She sees you without self respect -- you need to gain that back in yourself. Don't call, don't email, don't text and you will make HER wonder... "What is he up to?" or "Why isn't he calling ME?" "Has he moved on?" -- you will be amazed at what will happen once you show some self respect and begin thinking about yourself. Hope that helps a little bit... It has helped me in my situation. Wow. your post sounds just like the things i have been doing emailing writing letters and just feeling miserable in her presence. she has mentioned on numerous occassions to give her space and quit all the unecessary contact I think after finding this site and reading these post's it will be easier to do. Thank you so much for your words of advice I have started to do a little exercising and i'm looking into a part time job. its tough living off a few hundred dollars a month now. thanks again and god bless
Island Girl Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 You can go to a local legal aid office for assistance for a legal separation which is more defined and I believe outlines the parameters for the care of the children, etc. If you do not want a full blown legal separation, at least go see legal help about what you can do for structure as far as the kids go. Having that will help protect you in the event there is a divorce as well. And I agree that you need to back off and get your self esteem and self respect back. How can you respect someone who allows you to use them as a whipping post and then asks for more? Focus on yourself and your kids and leave her out of your plans and your life right now.
Author skinman Posted October 29, 2008 Author Posted October 29, 2008 And I agree that you need to back off and get your self esteem and self respect back. How can you respect someone who allows you to use them as a whipping post and then asks for more? Focus on yourself and your kids and leave her out of your plans and your life right now. Thank you for your kind words of advice. I know it is the right thing to do now is to focus on myself and getting my self worth back. I have not taken care of myself these past few months I have lost weight 12 lbs and i only weighed 152 to begin with. I havent slept well, but since finding this site yesterday I have felt much better about my chances of resoring my self confidence and moving on with my life whether she is in it or not. thanks again
jasperlynx Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 damn i cant believe so many men are going thru the same thing as me. Great forum has helped me out too! Like ive learned. Stay cool , dont argue, dont beg , dont say anything but nice things, and by all means avoid an argument...it will only shut that door tighter. Just be nice!
Author skinman Posted October 29, 2008 Author Posted October 29, 2008 damn i cant believe so many men are going thru the same thing as me. Great forum has helped me out too! Like ive learned. Stay cool , dont argue, dont beg , dont say anything but nice things, and by all means avoid an argument...it will only shut that door tighter. Just be nice! thanks for the advice.. best of luck in your situation to.. your not alone my friend !!
Author skinman Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 Thanks everyone for your advice on keeping my cool and not showing my emotions when i go and pack my things today and tomorrow.. Keep me in your thoughts and prey for me to have the strength to do the hardest thing I have ever done..... leave my family
n9688m Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Why should you be the one to move out? Sit tight. It's your home. Let her move out if she wants this badly enough. If it does come to divorce, you will have strengthened your position in numerous ways.
The_Flawed_Gawd Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 You can't go NC when you have kids, as nice as the idea might be at times. All you can do is go LC- Low Contact. That is, all communication is to do with the children and business of raising your children only. So no talking about your relationship with her, no telling her what you're doing or how you are, or asking how she is. Think of it as a business arrangement and she's your business partner and keep it professional. Is it possible to arrange set times for you to talk to the children on the phone each day? That way when the phone rings she does not have to pick it up. Organising a visitation schedule before leaving the house might be an idea as well. Her desire for space does not come ahead of your children's need to have their father in their life. Focus on your kids and yourself. There's no point 'waiting' for your wife for a year. Use the time you will have to do things you always wanted to do but never got around to. Take a class, exercise. Find things you enjoy doing and do them. Man-O-Man...do I ever know where you're coming from...I agree with the LC - low contact mode!!! If it has nothing to do with the day to day raising of the children...DON"T get sucked in. I have been going through this for nearly 2 years now and unfortunately, and I hope that this is not your case, "Space" tends to mean another "friend" or OM...Sorry. At least it has been in my case. Several.... I gave her her "space"...and she really really used it! At first there was "light" dating and "experimentation"... then the latest is a MM...more kids involved! and a W!!!! I also went through the begging and pleading, the promises of "I can change" and others..."let's get help", but they don't want it...they want space...freedom...whatever...an excuse to do what they always wanted to do but could not due to the marriage... First and foremost...protect yourself and your interests, in this case, since I surmise the children are your primary concern, your rights to visitation or custody. Get legal advise immediately! I'm not talking taking it to the ropes and hiring a lawyer right off the bat, but at the very least, gain some knowledge of your legal rights as a father! How long do you have the children on a daily basis? How much support have you given them? (monetary and time wise?) Does she even want them around 24/7, or does she really want total and complete freedom? These are all very important things to consider and discuss with legal counsel. Are YOU able and WILLING to put their needs above your own...school, after-school activities, childcare...forgo dating for some time? All are very important questions to ask yourself. Taking care of the children and their needs will require a great deal of sacrifice on your part to ensure their emotional and sociological well being. If she wants "space", give it to her...on your terms...not hers... If she wants to go...let her...no argument... but you stay and be a "rock" for the children...let her move...not you! Take care of yourself and the children, to the best of your ability! I 'waited' for nearly 2 years and it got me nothing but more and more heartache...
TrustInYourself Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 Exactly, at some point, you gotta convey a willingness to let go. That's the key. To be happy on your own.
Author skinman Posted November 5, 2008 Author Posted November 5, 2008 Exactly, at some point, you gotta convey a willingness to let go. That's the key. To be happy on your own. I know... its just so dam hard after almost 16 years... I know in time I will care less and less once i become more active and meeting people.. that is until the divorce and the fighting over the house will just be the begining
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