skinman Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Hello all, I recently found this site today and wish i had sooner. I have been going through misery for the past 2 months prior to my seperation 3 days ago. To start off I have been married for close to 16 years and 2 months ago out of the blue my wife tells me she is no longer in love with me. has no desire to be married to me anymore and could never think of in her words spreading her legs for me ever. I have been going to counseling for almost a month prior to our sep. trying to smooth things over with her but she has resisted any real contact except for pleasantries. Well on Sat. she got pissed and asked me to move out saying she needed space. She has said that we will use the whole year seperation before she decides on what she wants to do whether to try again or get a divorce. I will have finished packing up this weekend. My question is how do you use the NC when you have children ?. she gets mad or upset if I call or email her saying she needs her space. so with all of your wisdom from being in my shoes what would some advice be with regards to my girls and contacting her. I am broken hearted and cannot fight the urge to call or email. I can tell that she is quickly losing respect for me for trying to save our marriage. thanks for all your comments.
SRV Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Sorry for your pain, I would suggest that you post this in the "Seperation/Divorce" forum, there are some pretty seasoned folks there with tons of advise. Good luck!
N15n Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Do you have any idea why she doesn't love you anymore? Were there any major complaints that she had about you but you haven't changed at all? Having a NC agreement is something you should discuss about with your wife. That's my personal opinion, so don't take it with a grain of salt until other seasoned people start replying to your thread. If you said she got pissed off and upset, do you know why? A lot of unanswered questions explaining her attitude right now is a little confusing.
Author skinman Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 yes tell me about it I am very confused by the whole thing. She said she was tired of my attitude and being bitter all the time. Its funny my brother and his wife seperated about 6 months ago and they were good friends.. so its to much of a coincidence if you ask me.. She also stated she was tired of trying to keep the marriage going and was done with it. get this we got back from a 3 week cross country trip that went great our sex life was the best its been in the months prior to this than its been in years. So I am very confused bt it all.. it hit me like a ton of bricks when she told me that.. I can almost lose it at any point now and knowing that when i see my girls i have to face her
N15n Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Did you have any attitude with a bitterness to it that annoyed the hell out of her? Because if you hadn't noticed it by now then you might have to evaluate yourself on that part. But I'm 22 years old and I have never experienced marriage, so I really don't want to preach you or give you best advice. Have you talked to her, gotten any insight from her on HOW she was trying to keep the marriage alive? Exactly how did she try to do that? Were you in great debt for the house, mortgage, etc.? Are you employed? I would have thought that a wondrous traveling experience would have somehow improved your lives and the quality of relationship altogether, but it appears that she was happy for one second and then angry in the next second. In all, being able to see your children is a lot better than nothing; even if you have to face your wife. After all, if she wants a 1 year separation, maybe it's your chance to make amends, but I could be wrong. I'm no expert but I felt inclined to help you because the same thing happened to my parents.
quankanne Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 best advice is to hammer out a call/contact plan regarding your babies – say like, bedtime phone calls to/from them at a certain hour, visits on certain days, etc. If she gets aggravated by the idea, tell her that it's also designed to help give her a bit of a breather since she's got them 24/7 – you know, a few hours with them = a few hours she can run errands, kick back with a book or movie, etc. another thing? Don't use the kids to pump information about their mom. That's just damned annoying. I know people who do that and frankly, it puts the little ones in a position of being a pawn in the separation/divorce. If there's cause for concern (abuse, neglect, etc), by all means address it, but if your child is telling you that mom and her new BF argue a lot, explain that sometimes this is how people communicate with each other, and that they'll work things out, so in the meantime not to let it upset her. You know, stuff like that.
Konfuzion Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 The way to handle NC when you have children is to only call to arrange seeing to children or to talk to the children, any conversations you do have with your wife keep it short sweet and all about the kids... IE "I will pick up the children at 6:00 pm on Friday does that work for you? Ok well have a good evening, bye". Sound busy and like you are having the time of your life when you are on the phone. Take this time apart to work on yourself and better yourself, but do it for you and your children not for her.
jenmom22 Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 You may have already mentioned this, but how old are your girls? I've been married and separated and have 2 kids. It's just an entirely different ballgame when kids are involved. You can NEVER use the kids to get info about her, or who she's seeing, or who's calling her. Also, NEVER talk negative about her in front of them. My ex has and continues to act just awful in front of the kids purely because he is out of control and wants to know EVERYTHING about my life. I left him and he now lives with his mom and dad. We're 37. He comes to my house to spend time with the kids and has gone through my journals, my caller id, my email etc... We've been apart for almost 8 years and my ex was a large part in ruining an amazing relationship I had. I was with my boyfriend for 6 years and he just couldn't take my ex being so much in the picture. We almost felt like we were sneaking around because every time my ex found out I was with my boyfriend he'd call me a whore etc.. in front of the kids. He'd tell the kids I broke up the family and left him for my new boyfriend, which is TOTALLY untrue. He just couldn't see what he was doing that made me leave. I know this is horrible, and seeing your kids go through it is a million times worse. Please keep posting, if not here, somewhere. No one knows what going through a separation is like when there are kids involved. How often do you see them? DON'T KEEP GETTING IN YOUR WIFES BIZ. She will end up pushing you away more. Give her something to miss. Don't keep reminding her why she doesn't want to be with you. This is a great place, I don't know what I'd do without having this forum. I read through all the posts after I get my kids in bed. Nights are tough. Really tough.
Author skinman Posted October 29, 2008 Author Posted October 29, 2008 thank you all for your comments. My girls are aged 12 mine and 16 which is actually my stepdaughter but have pretty much been her dad since she was 1. My wife is actually being very cooperative about seeing the girls she wants me to spend as much time as possible with them she "said" she would never stop me from seeing them. Which I do believe since i have seen what her Ex. has done to my stepdaughter by not being in her life. as for how she was keeping the marriage alive is beyond me. The only reason I was bitter and would hold grudges is because she witheld sex and affection. we wouldn't be intimate for a month and she would tell me in the am that tonight was the night.. I would look forward to it all day just to come home and her not be in the mood anymore. I have a good job we have a nice house that looks amazing from the manicured yard and landscaping. Which is a sore subject for her she said if i spent half the time on the family than i did on the yard we might still be together. I will take your advice and work on myself. I know that I have issues that need to be addressed before i can move forward in this relationship or the next. Thanks again for all your support !! Skinman
sultry33 Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 thank you all for your comments. My girls are aged 12 mine and 16 which is actually my stepdaughter but have pretty much been her dad since she was 1. My wife is actually being very cooperative about seeing the girls she wants me to spend as much time as possible with them she "said" she would never stop me from seeing them. Which I do believe since i have seen what her Ex. has done to my stepdaughter by not being in her life. as for how she was keeping the marriage alive is beyond me. The only reason I was bitter and would hold grudges is because she witheld sex and affection. we wouldn't be intimate for a month and she would tell me in the am that tonight was the night.. I would look forward to it all day just to come home and her not be in the mood anymore. I have a good job we have a nice house that looks amazing from the manicured yard and landscaping. Which is a sore subject for her she said if i spent half the time on the family than i did on the yard we might still be together. I will take your advice and work on myself. I know that I have issues that need to be addressed before i can move forward in this relationship or the next. Thanks again for all your support !! Skinman Hi looks like the reason is right here;) work on yourself keep all contact about the children stay strong and busy and use the time with your children as family time in time hopefully that will include your wife.. give her time to miss you and all that you represent:) really hope things work out for you,always hard when children are involved as another poster said go to marriage board as they have more exp in contact visits etc.. welcome to love shack:)
Author skinman Posted October 29, 2008 Author Posted October 29, 2008 Hi looks like the reason is right here;) work on yourself keep all contact about the children stay strong and busy and use the time with your children as family time in time hopefully that will include your wife.. give her time to miss you and all that you represent:) really hope things work out for you,always hard when children are involved as another poster said go to marriage board as they have more exp in contact visits etc.. welcome to love shack:) thanks for the words of encouragement it is greatly appreciated..
LovieDove24 Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 I have been wondering the answer to your question myself. Sure the logical thing to do when you have kids together is to keep the conversations short and sweet and only about your children. BUT its damn hard when you actually have that persons voice on the other line. What I have done since I am in a similar situation as yours is just accept that this breakup is going to be more difficult than most. We cant NOT talk to the other person, and we cant NOT not see the other person. All we can do is suck it up and take one for the team (aka our kids). I am on about month 5 of this and it is starting to get easier with each passing day. Just try not to beat yourself up too much if occasionally you cave in and babble on to her. Its very difficult not to when you have to see/talk to this person close to every day. Give yourself a break, breath deep, accept that it wont be as easy as "ignoring" and try to set restrictions as often as possible. I understand that what you're going through is extremely rough.
Author skinman Posted October 29, 2008 Author Posted October 29, 2008 I have been wondering the answer to your question myself. Sure the logical thing to do when you have kids together is to keep the conversations short and sweet and only about your children. BUT its damn hard when you actually have that persons voice on the other line. What I have done since I am in a similar situation as yours is just accept that this breakup is going to be more difficult than most. We cant NOT talk to the other person, and we cant NOT not see the other person. All we can do is suck it up and take one for the team (aka our kids). I am on about month 5 of this and it is starting to get easier with each passing day. Just try not to beat yourself up too much if occasionally you cave in and babble on to her. Its very difficult not to when you have to see/talk to this person close to every day. Give yourself a break, breath deep, accept that it wont be as easy as "ignoring" and try to set restrictions as often as possible. I understand that what you're going through is extremely rough. thank you I wish you the best with your situation too.... gld bless
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