hyoctane Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I'm new here! I thought I would be able to express my feelings and lay stuff out on the table to people who are going through similar situations... I have a few questions and concerns: Preface: My wife and I were high school sweethearts -- we dated for four years and we have been married for four and a half years. We met when we were 17 and we are both now 25. Unfortunately we have experienced some rocky times and we agreed to mutually separate. Things happened during our separation that I think are unforgivable... My intention on "separating" was to work on us, her's was just to being the divorce process. We have filed as of two weeks ago and are being very gracious about the whole thing. I have been seeking counseling and it has helped me greatly! I have seen my progress in hindsight and I know that I am on the right path... the only thing is, what will others think of me? I mean, when I get back out there and I am able to "date" again (I'm assuming that would be a year or so down the road after my wounds heal) how will women relate to a 25/26 year old divorced male? I'm just scared that I will be wearing a scarlet letter that will always point me out as being divorced. I know I'm not a failure, but sometimes I feel as if I am... I don't know. Can I get some female insight?
TrustInYourself Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I'm new here! I thought I would be able to express my feelings and lay stuff out on the table to people who are going through similar situations... I have a few questions and concerns: Preface: My wife and I were high school sweethearts -- we dated for four years and we have been married for four and a half years. We met when we were 17 and we are both now 25. Unfortunately we have experienced some rocky times and we agreed to mutually separate. Things happened during our separation that I think are unforgivable... My intention on "separating" was to work on us, her's was just to being the divorce process. We have filed as of two weeks ago and are being very gracious about the whole thing. I have been seeking counseling and it has helped me greatly! I have seen my progress in hindsight and I know that I am on the right path... the only thing is, what will others think of me? I mean, when I get back out there and I am able to "date" again (I'm assuming that would be a year or so down the road after my wounds heal) how will women relate to a 25/26 year old divorced male? I'm just scared that I will be wearing a scarlet letter that will always point me out as being divorced. I know I'm not a failure, but sometimes I feel as if I am... I don't know. Can I get some female insight? I was seperated for 6 months. I had no problems with women. If anything I was more attractive to many of them. I was responsible, fun, and good looking. I wouldn't stress it. Why the separation if you are looking to see other women? Why not get down to business and divorce?
quankanne Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 in this day and age, you'd almost be suspect if you DIDN'T have a divorce or a breakup of a long-term, live-in relationship in your past, because they're not uncommon things. as a woman, my first thought would be, "Well, what was his ex-wife's problem?" Then, as I got to know you better, and I noticed there were red flags, I'd be, "Hmmmm .... wonder if it was because he was like this with her that led the marriage to go kaput?" in YOUR case, however, I'd more than likely chalk it up to the fact that you were high school sweethearts who outgrew each other, and that unfortunately meant a divorce .... as far as what someone else thinks, well ... if someone is going to think bad of you, chances are they're looking for something to dislike about you to start with!
Author hyoctane Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 Why the separation if you are looking to see other women? Why not get down to business and divorce? I'm not looking to date until I give myself some time to heal -- but that doesn't mean it isn't on my mind! Also -- we filed for divorce two weeks ago. ...in YOUR case, however, I'd more than likely chalk it up to the fact that you were high school sweethearts who outgrew each other, and that unfortunately meant a divorce... I can take some solace in that... It's nice to know that I won't be branded for life. I know that it takes two to tangle and there are things that I need to work on for myself... Trust me though, I'm not the one who gave up on our marriage -- and I wasn't a walking mat.
whyme393 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 i'm in the same boat. i'm a young guy 30, marrried young. knew my wife for 11 years. been married for 5 years. and now going through a divorce. it was not a mutual divorce at first. now after discovering her secret affairs and how she has changed i guess it is. i think the no.1 thing i experienced from the break up is fear. she was my security blanket. emotionally, my best friend who I would confide in. when she acted so distant. I didn't know who to turn to or how to react. Imagine the person who you thought was no. 1 and you thought you were her no. 1 left you on a curb for dead. So I talked with friends, family, and therapist to work through these hard mental times. i never experienced such loss as this in my life. it like the closest person you ever knew had died if I can make a comparison. what's different between you and I if that you guys feel it's mutual on the breakup. that's good to help cope. because you both have your reasons. I think you'll always carry a blemish of being divorced. There will always be questions. Maybe you'll find another divorcee, or a person who can understand you better than your spouse one day.
dgiirl Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 I use to fear the same thing, what will people think of me? But once i got to meet other people, I realized 90% of them didnt give a damn about my past as _everyone_ has a past. I also learned that people were not as judgmental as I thought they might be. There were/are the rare few ones who did judge me without even knowing my story, but those people tend to be inexperienced themselves, and if they are going to judge me on my past and are incapable of relating to my life, then clearly we're both at different stages in life and have nothing in common anyways. My answer to you is first, give people more credit. For the majority, people are not as judgmental as you think they are. Secondly, if they are worth dating at all, then they wouldn't judge you in the first place. Use your story as a filter to weed out the bad apples.
Trimmer Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 I use to fear the same thing, what will people think of me? But once i got to meet other people, I realized 90% of them didnt give a damn about my past as _everyone_ has a past. I also learned that people were not as judgmental as I thought they might be. There were/are the rare few ones who did judge me without even knowing my story, but those people tend to be inexperienced themselves, and if they are going to judge me on my past and are incapable of relating to my life, then clearly we're both at different stages in life and have nothing in common anyways. My answer to you is first, give people more credit. For the majority, people are not as judgmental as you think they are. Secondly, if they are worth dating at all, then they wouldn't judge you in the first place. Use your story as a filter to weed out the bad apples. I agree with this. Have the confidence to know who you are, especially given the work you're doing on yourself, and trust that the people who are at a level of development that will match well with yours will be able to see you for who you are - the big picture - and not just under a label of "divorced."
CoryCosmetics Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 I honestly wouldn't be worried about what someone else would think. Your happiness is more important and priority over other's opinions. Please do what YOU need, not what you are worried the consequences of your actions would be!
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