broknhearted Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I haven't posted here in quite some time. i mostly just read the other posts and try to gain strength from that. i am a married ow. *shaking head*. the bad part is that i really love OM. our affair has been going on for a year now and i'm not 100% positive that i know how he really feels about me, i don't know how to ask. the first time i told him i loved him, he said he loved me too. since then though, i've texted 'i love u' and gotten no response. we work together so i can't really talk about our R there. i am 14 years older than him, i know that sounds bad.... but hey... he likes older women.... his wife is 16 yrs older than him. how old is he? here's the kicker.... 20. soon to be 21. *sigh* i think he just got married too young and doesn't know what he wants, including me. i would leave my H if he left his W (which i seriously doubt). I'm scared to death he's just playing me. I got really mad at work the other day because he went to break with another girl (him and i don't go to breaks together anymore because of gossip). now, it was the first time, believe me, i keep tabs on him... she got a new car and was just showing it to him... so jealousy kicked in. i never told him i seen them going back in the building together so he's unaware, he just knows i was pissed saturday. i guess time will tell what will happen. i think its on the way to fizzling out though. the last 2 mornings i texted him and it was, 'hey, how are u, ok, talk to u more tomorrow.' then he was gone, i felt like i was getting brushed off. it really hurts and pisses me off! how can they go from one extreme to the other? i just don't understand. i know he's young, he definitely doesn't act his age, very mature and responsible, but for the last year, i've been struggling with thoughts that he's just a player, flirting with me constantly just to get laid. maybe 'friends with benefits' is all that he wants, if so, whats the best way to bring up that subject and ask him? i need some insight here, i'm aware what i'm doing is wrong, i didn't plan on having an affair. i love him though, can't imagine my life without him but i don't want to be used, thats not a good feeling. i feel like, me being 34, i'm too old to play these games of being unsure of what his intentions are. i guess i'm afraid that if i bring it up i'm gonna push him away and appear needy. guess that would be a good test to see if he really does love me? any advice would be appreciated. thanks and good luck to u all.
Owl Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 You're 34 and married, and he's 20 and married? No...he doesn't love you. Yes, he's playing you. At his age, given the fact that he's already married and cheating...he wouldn't know love if it bit him on the end of his.... He won't tell you that he loves you. This should be a huge red flag for you. This is pretty obvious...he's young, dumb, and...well, you know the rest of that. He's interested in a physical relationship with someone older...a lot older. And that's it. You really should consider this, and instead of focusing on him, start making choices on what to do about your marriage (divorce, or fixing it) rather than worry about if this puppy is in love with you. Sorry, I know its harsh...but re-read what I've said...its pretty obvious what's gone on.
jwi71 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 You say you would leave your H but only if he leaves his W first. Why do you need that qualifier? Just divorce your hubby now. You're cheating and in love with a man who can barely by a beer. You obviously don't care to remain in a marriage with your H. Go ahead and file for divorce, let your H find a woman who will love and honor him. And you can have the man of dreams.
2sure Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 i feel like, me being 34, i'm too old to play these games of being unsure of what his intentions are. You are. i guess i'm afraid that if i bring it up i'm gonna push him away and appear needy. guess that would be a good test to see if he really does love me? Certainly, if you are in love with him you are going to have to ask him how he feels since you seem to be unsure. The fact that the relationship is down to " Hi...see you tomorrow..." leaves me wondering what it is you are unsure about.
GreenX Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 To answer your question, yea, I think your 'OM' is playing you. Why not just come out and ask him? If you are so unsure of his feelings the only way you'll ever know is if you confront him. I have to also agree with jwi71 - why do you need the OM to leave his W before you leave your H? If you're so certain that you do not want to be with your H anymore, why not just let him go now? Why wait? Seems your OM isn't the only one playing games here. Let your H know you want out and set him free to find someone who will love him, and only him.
whichwayisup Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 i would leave my H if he left his W No, you should leave your marriage because you don't want to be married to your husband anymore, not because "IF" the OM left his wife, you'd end your marriage. That is crap, sorry, but if you're unhappy, END your marriage, let your husband go so HE can find love with someone who won't cheat and betray him.
Author broknhearted Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 You're 34 and married, and he's 20 and married? No...he doesn't love you. Yes, he's playing you. At his age, given the fact that he's already married and cheating...he wouldn't know love if it bit him on the end of his.... He won't tell you that he loves you. This should be a huge red flag for you. This is pretty obvious...he's young, dumb, and...well, you know the rest of that. He's interested in a physical relationship with someone older...a lot older. And that's it. You really should consider this, and instead of focusing on him, start making choices on what to do about your marriage (divorce, or fixing it) rather than worry about if this puppy is in love with you. Sorry, I know its harsh...but re-read what I've said...its pretty obvious what's gone on. Thank you so much for putting it all in better perspective for me. I know i got some pretty harsh responses, i was ready for that. It makes it hard when feelings are on the line, and i'm not only talking about mine. i just can't believe i was stupid enough to fall for thinking there was more than there is. My Hubby and i have been together for 17 years, most of it has been real unpleasant but i think we can get passed that. at least now he's finally trying to make our marriage work. There used to be a lot of abuse (mentally and physically), at least i know what i got with him, this other jerk.... who knows? i'm just really angry right now... with OM and myself. how could i be so selfish and STUPID!!!!!!!!!! I'm kicking myself in the *ss everyday. i'm thinking of going to NC, even though i know it won't be easy, especially working together and seeing him four days a week. U see... he has a way about him that i can't stay mad at him and he knows it, has even said that to me, 'u can't stay mad at me'. it sucks! i really need to be strong though and accept it for what it is... a dead end. i've read so many posts about OW struggling with their emotions... i've sympathized. guess i was just chasing a dream... i mean... a younger man chasing after an older woman? at one time it did wonders for my self esteem but now.... i feel worse than before. i'm depressed, i don't want to go to work either. i'm sure i will always think about him but maybe i'll be able to put it behind me. and this is gonna sound bad, but i'm mad... i hope someone hurts him like i've been hurt by him. thanks all for allowing me to vent, i really needed it.
whichwayisup Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 You only speak to him about work related issues, outside of that, don't talk to him. No personal chit chat. Tell the OM it's over and that he has to respect YOUR wishes to leave you alone. NO calls outside of work, no emails, nothing. If you can, think about finding another job, or ask for a transfer. Focus on your marriage, making it better. I'm sure your husband knows something is up with you but isn't quite sure what it is..
jwi71 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 My Hubby and i have been together for 17 years, most of it has been real unpleasant but i think we can get passed that. at least now he's finally trying to make our marriage work. There used to be a lot of abuse (mentally and physically), at least i know what i got with him, this other jerk.... who knows? 1) Call the police. Physical abuse is unacceptable. If he hits you again, call the police right then right there. Dial 911 and have him arrested and leave. Do not post his bail. Find a family member or a friend to stay with short term. 2) MC. Find a marriage counselor if you haven't already done so. And be honest - that means coming clean about your A. You cannot rebuild a marriage (if its even salvageable) with lies and deceit. Gotta come clean. 3) Quit your job. If you want your M(arriage) to survive, you must quit. The constant daily contact will drive your H nuts and its all too easy to slide back in bed with the OM. If you don't want your M to work - still quit. Very hard to get over the OM when you see him everyday and you have ceded him so much control over yourself to him. 4) IC. Find a conselor for you regardless of your M. 17 years of a crappy M takes its toll on you. Find a trained professional who will help you thorugh this. Good luck and keep us updated.
bentnotbroken Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 My oldest is younger than this guy and my kid is more mature than either of you. You are both cheating on people and behaving like middle school kids. Leave your spouses so they can have a life with someone who isn't cheating. By the way, this kid is 20, and doesn't know his @ss from a whole in the ground. He is still learning to not be a child. Move on.
norajane Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 What can a cheating, married 20 year old have to offer you??? Ok, the validation that he found you attractive, sure. It's nice to be admired. But, really, other than that? He's 20! He's barely out of his momma's house...that's probably why he married a woman 16 years older than him - he's got some mommy issues going on and he found someone to take care of him. And now he's sneaking around behind her back, trying to get away with whatever he can that he wants, just like a boy does with his mother. This boy does not have the strength, courage, or desire to be able to be in this with you for the long haul. You need a man, not a child. If that man isn't your husband, then divorce him. Otherwise, work on your marriage instead of fantasizing about a young man who is just having some fun on the side. He and his wife will eventually get divorced, but he's still not going to be a good partner for you, and you don't really want to put your life on hold for HIM!!!
Author broknhearted Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 that long of a crappy marriage has taken its toll on me... i think thats why i had an affair... i wanted to be wanted again. i know thats still no excuse, i should have gotten out a long time ago. hubby knows where he stands with the abuse, i made that very clear. he will end up in jail and divorced if he ever gets physical again, period. i've given him another chance to prove he can be a good husband, because a small part of me does love him, or i'm just used to him... i don't know. I feel i need to at least make an effort to make it work and if it doesn't then at least i'll end it knowing i tried. i am going to go to NC with OM, i just can't take it anymore either on that front. i don't know if i'm coming or going anymore. i need to try to put him out of my mind completely.... btw, he's ruined countless numbers of songs for me!
Author broknhearted Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 What can a cheating, married 20 year old have to offer you??? Ok, the validation that he found you attractive, sure. It's nice to be admired. But, really, other than that? He's 20! He's barely out of his momma's house...that's probably why he married a woman 16 years older than him - he's got some mommy issues going on and he found someone to take care of him. And now he's sneaking around behind her back, trying to get away with whatever he can that he wants, just like a boy does with his mother. This boy does not have the strength, courage, or desire to be able to be in this with you for the long haul. You need a man, not a child. If that man isn't your husband, then divorce him. Otherwise, work on your marriage instead of fantasizing about a young man who is just having some fun on the side. He and his wife will eventually get divorced, but he's still not going to be a good partner for you, and you don't really want to put your life on hold for HIM!!! as much as i hate to admit it. basically because i'm still mad at myself. i agree.
lkjh Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 My oldest is younger than this guy and my kid is more mature than either of you. You are both cheating on people and behaving like middle school kids. Leave your spouses so they can have a life with someone who isn't cheating. By the way, this kid is 20, and doesn't know his @ss from a whole in the ground. He is still learning to not be a child. Move on. well put!!!
wildsoul Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 i am going to go to NC with OM, i just can't take it anymore either on that front. i don't know if i'm coming or going anymore. i need to try to put him out of my mind completely.... btw, he's ruined countless numbers of songs for me! You've got to get your head on straight here. This was a fling, that you got carried away with by becoming attached to. Most of us women don't do flings well; we can't help but get our hearts involved and fall in love. But you've got to stop and realize that as good as it felt to feel alive again, with a young man who makes you feel young and sexy again, this affair is bad for you. If you get out now, your suffering will be minimized. As you said, you must go NC. This is a great place for support while you go thru the withdrawals and so forth. That phase will be hard, but ultimately it will be much easier if you start now. Don't have to hit an even lower "bottom" than you are in today. This can be your turnaround day. You can do it! Sort out the aftermath later. Put all your energy into NC. Do that, and the rest of your healing will follow.
jj33 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Brokenhearted you have gotten very good advice here. And the thing is even if he were 35, the fact is he is not telling you that he loves you and wants to leave his W and make a future with you. The fact that you dont know this for sure after a year or so means he doesnt want what you want him to want. if you have to ask after a year and a half, then the answer is no. So while the age brings up a whole range of red flags, it is just one of many many reasons that you have to go NC and get past this. As an aside, if you are willing to leave your H for him then maybe you need to leave your H in general. Why are you with him if you are in love with someone else and can easily picture yourself not being married to him? Dont you both deserve the chance to find real happiness?
Author broknhearted Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 I have gotten some good advice here i know. *sigh* I know i have to go NC and do it soon, most likely this week when i start back at work. i'll keep you all posted, i know i'll probably need more support and 'tough love' speeches as i go. thank you all for your advice.
signedin2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Your marriage has no chance if you keep this secret from your husband. You need to start over, come clean to your husband about what you've been up to and trying to fix the marriage or leave. In addition, you need to get yourself checked for STDs. I am sure you're not this guy's first OW.
pelicanpreacher Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Your major problem is that you are operating from a position of weakness which will constantly make you vulnerable to poor decisions. You've got to girde your loins and begin making tough decisions for your life for life's too short to accept and concede to momentary mistakes of the heart. The moment your husband exhibited abusive tendencies of any kind it was time to bail on the marriage for he had proven himself unsuitable as relationship material. The fact that you keep taking him back only enables his mindset to use abuse as a means to control you and emboldens his position use it whenever the whim hits him. A poster on LS once said the "if you cry wolf you'd better produce one" and, because your ultimatums lack substance, has caused you to trap yourself within a marriage that should have ended a long long long time ago if only because of inertia! Restore yourself to regain your sense of self by leaving your current husband and striking out on your own. Redevelop your self-esteem from within so that you are no longer vulnerable to the temptation to develop it from without! When you can achieve this then affairs with a 20 year old manchildren will lose its allure in a heartbeat.
frannie Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 that long of a crappy marriage has taken its toll on me... i think thats why i had an affair... i wanted to be wanted again. i know thats still no excuse, i should have gotten out a long time ago. hubby knows where he stands with the abuse, i made that very clear. he will end up in jail and divorced if he ever gets physical again, period. i've given him another chance to prove he can be a good husband, because a small part of me does love him, or i'm just used to him... i don't know. I feel i need to at least make an effort to make it work and if it doesn't then at least i'll end it knowing i tried. i am going to go to NC with OM, i just can't take it anymore either on that front. i don't know if i'm coming or going anymore. i need to try to put him out of my mind completely.... btw, he's ruined countless numbers of songs for me! I agree with the previous poster, pelicanpreacher, who sees your current marriage as something you shouldn't be putting up with at all. I don't think you owe it to him to make an effort and try to make it work. He's been physically abusive with you, and at that moment, all bets were off. You say yourself that the relationship has taken its toll on you, and that's evident. Not only from the inappropriate relationship with this kid at work, but from the fact you're saying you 'should' stay married to someone who's done these things to you. Do you have friends and family who know what's gone on in your marriage? Do they support you with staying with him? What's your social life like? I can understand how someone at work can seem like a lifeline when you feel so negative and beaten-down in your home life
Author broknhearted Posted October 29, 2008 Author Posted October 29, 2008 my friends and family would be supportive if i left my husband. so at least i got that going for me. i know i should never have put up with all that i have over the years. its hard to break that cycle once it begins, i don't think anyone knows what its like until they've been there. i don't think our marriage will last to be honest with you all... he has too many anger issues. if he hasn't been able to fix them in 17 years, how do i expect it to get better now. the best thing i could do is leave i know... sometimes, i just feel so guilty, like, its my fault? does that make any sense at all?
NewSunrise Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Tell us again what this 20 yr old kid has to offer....LONG-TERM?
signedin2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 i just feel so guilty, like, its my fault? does that make any sense at all? If you look the whole picture, it's your fault. You're the one who sleep with someone outside the marriage. You're the one who cheats and lie and continue to do so. There is nothing that your H can do to rival that. If he is horrible, beating, kicking, stabbing you, you should leave and not be an adulterer and a cheat. Your innerself is telling you the truth with this guilt you're feeling.
frannie Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 my friends and family would be supportive if i left my husband. so at least i got that going for me. i know i should never have put up with all that i have over the years. its hard to break that cycle once it begins, i don't think anyone knows what its like until they've been there. i don't think our marriage will last to be honest with you all... he has too many anger issues. if he hasn't been able to fix them in 17 years, how do i expect it to get better now. the best thing i could do is leave i know... sometimes, i just feel so guilty, like, its my fault? does that make any sense at all? Well from what you've said here, I agree with you that it would be better to leave your husband than to stay, and certainly better than having affairs at work (goes without saying!). Have you talked to anyone recently about your thoughts of leaving him? Friends or family? What do they say? Could you start at least making a plan to leave, even if you haven't made a decision yet? Perhaps getting legal and financial advice and seeing how you could support yourself, and so on. eta: I don't know about the guilt, exactly. You mean you would feel guilty for abandoning him, guilty for 'failing' in the marriage? What do you feel guilty about?
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