flc Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I personally believe there are different types or maybe levels of loving someone. I have experienced the passionate/obsessive love for a women and the slower grow into it type of love. The question I have is can a relationship work if you are not both on the same level of love? I am currently in a 3 month relationship with a women who is passionately in love with me. I love her, enjoy being with her but she overwhelms me at times. I feel guilty that I don't have the ability to return her love at the same level. Can this work or is it doomed?
Ronni_W Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 It won't work if the relationship ultimately causes you to feel guilty and overwhelmed. I don't know if that has anything to do with the levels/degrees of love that you each feel individually, though. Could be. But it would seem that the relationship can work (even with different "love levels") if you learn to accept everything that she gives you, without feeling guilty about it. Now. If she had posted, I'd be suggesting that she learn to better manage her feelings/needs so that the result isn't quite so overwhelming for you. Because we can only change our own perspective/experience. For you, it's about changing what is causing the guilt feeling to arise from within you; for her, if she was sensing a problem, it would be about changing whatever within her causes her to act/react the way she does. Ideally, you would each see the problems that your individual thought processes are creating, and would both seek ways to resolve them so that the relationship can thrive.
Meaplus3 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I personally believe there are different types or maybe levels of loving someone. I have experienced the passionate/obsessive love for a women and the slower grow into it type of love. The question I have is can a relationship work if you are not both on the same level of love? I am currently in a 3 month relationship with a women who is passionately in love with me. I love her, enjoy being with her but she overwhelms me at times. I feel guilty that I don't have the ability to return her love at the same level. Can this work or is it doomed? I think the key is balance. What makes you feel like you can't return her love on the same level? AP:)
Author flc Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 We have talked about it and she is comfortable with the way I feel about her, but I do get the 'How much do you love me' questions which makes me feel that she is not as comfortable as she says. I know when I felt this way about a women I did not really like it as my emotions completely clouded my judgment. I was obsessed and would do anything to be with her. It did not work out in the end and I think this experience is making me question whether this intensity of love is really a good thing in a relationship. Let me also add that I have been divorced for less than a year from a 20yr marriage. Mentally I am not ready to commit myself so deeply, and I know I am holding back a bit.
Meaplus3 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 When you speak of intensity I assume your speaking of her? Well.. IMO it sounds almost as if she is a touch insecure. I mean why else would she question your love for her? AP:)
stillafool Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I think you are worried because she loves you more than you love her and you know it. You are probably wondering if you will grow to love her the way she loves you. I doubt it. You may love her but may never really be "in love" with her the way you were with the other lady. It is good to love someone the way you loved the other woman it's just that that love has to be returned equally.
Ronni_W Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 but I do get the 'How much do you love me' questions which makes me feel that she is not as comfortable as she says. Yep, I'd say your assessment is correct...that would indicate insecurity on her part even if it is, as you say, unconscious. That insecurity likely is what's leading to her actions (words, displays of affection, whatever) that are feeling overwhelming to you. In your situation, it is perfectly understandable that you are "holding back" some...and also that this level of intensity that she is bringing isn't compatible with what you want and need right now. Have you asked her if she is willing to do some work so that she'll be able to 'dial it back' a bit, and give you more time/space to increase your own levels of confidence, esteem, and all else that is needed for you to be ready to make a bigger "heart commitment"?
Shygirl15 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Let me also add that I have been divorced for less than a year from a 20yr marriage. Mentally I am not ready to commit myself so deeply, and I know I am holding back a bit. Maybe you're not ready to date, then. Be careful, you may be ruining your chances with a very good woman...
Lauriebell82 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I personally would not be comfortable in a relationship where I was more in love with my bf, then he was in love with me. I'm not trying to sound mean, but I think she deserves to have the same love returned to her as she gives. Anything else and she is just selling herself short. Your divorce may factor into the situation as well, and you are holding back some of your feelings due to the hurt you are still experiencing. She may say she is okay with this becuse she doesn't want to lose you, but chances are if she is making comments like this she is insecure about the issue. I agree with Ronni's last statement that you should try to talk to her about your situation, and see if she can "tone it down" a little bit and take it more slow. IMO though, "taking it slow" is usually an excuse that you give when you are not into a person. If you really are madly in love with someone, you wouldn't care about "having space" and you would naturally want to be with that person. (divorce/hurt or not).
pandagirl Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I agree with Ronni's last statement that you should try to talk to her about your situation, and see if she can "tone it down" a little bit and take it more slow. IMO though, "taking it slow" is usually an excuse that you give when you are not into a person. If you really are madly in love with someone, you wouldn't care about "having space" and you would naturally want to be with that person. (divorce/hurt or not). I disagree. People have different speeds of how they enter relationships. Personally speaking, I like to take things slow and I have told guys before that I like to "take things slow," without meaning "I'm not that into you." It's all a matter of personal preference. In the OP's situation, they're going to have to navigate a way to make each other feel secure and happy, without overstepping emotional boundaries. I think it's possible!
jannachen Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 3 months in a relationship is not yet enough to assess your feeling...
Author flc Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 I disagree. People have different speeds of how they enter relationships. Personally speaking, I like to take things slow and I have told guys before that I like to "take things slow," without meaning "I'm not that into you." It's all a matter of personal preference. In the OP's situation, they're going to have to navigate a way to make each other feel secure and happy, without overstepping emotional boundaries. I think it's possible! 3 months in a relationship is not yet enough to assess your feeling... I agree with these statements, I believe in the end you can be just as in love with someone whether it starts out intensely/passionately or slowly as long as you do both love and respect each other. I also truly believe that obsessive love can consume the people involved and does not always work out for the best, but maybe I am just making an excuse for not feeling that way? We have discussed this over the last couple of days and mentally she knows what causes my concerns and wants to dial back but it is hard for her and if there are a couple of drinks involved it all melts away. Of course my response is bad as I back away and withdraw which just makes the whole thing more messy. We both want to be together and we keep working on it so time will tell.
konfuzd Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Questioning the amount of love after 3 months is a bit much. Instead of saying something like, "slow down" or "this is too intense for me" or what not. I think you could put a bit more of an optimistic spin on things. Say something like, "I feel a love developing for you, and I'd like it to grow as we learn more about eachother" I think this approach will get your message across without sending up a bunch of warning signs. Relationships are all about compromise, so I don't think it needs to be a deal killer, but can become an issue if it's left to linger.
Trialbyfire Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Changing your level of love isn't like changing your socks. The disparity in level of caring creates insecurity, which then causes her to hold onto you tighter. Not a healthy dynamic. She knows she hasn't got your heart fully so it's going to continue escalating her insecurities. You have a few choices. Either learn to open yourself up a little more thus help her, push her back a bit which will make her more insecure, or walk away.
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