Author Belinda82967 Posted October 29, 2008 Author Posted October 29, 2008 This is very nice to hear all the varied opinions and advice. And I really am not justifying anything or I would not feel bad at all about this. I went to counseling for years over these issues and they diagnosed me as having battered womens syndrome. It makes it diffucult to leave. Scared of what he is capable of. Scared of change. I think I could make it financially on my own. I have noone to help if I couldnt. Yes I am already attached to the other man. I loved him long before I admitted it to myself or him. A friendship that turned into more somehow. I am so scared that my husband will do something to me or the om that I am sick to my stomach all the time. The difference between me and my husband is if he came to me with all that proof I would admit it. He would beat my ass for it but I would take it and move on......If he doesnt come to me with any proof though, I will probably continue on the way I am until I am forced to make a decision. I dont know....I am so confused and conflicted.
Author Belinda82967 Posted October 29, 2008 Author Posted October 29, 2008 I did say he was an addict but 3-1/2 years ago he stopped using, stopped drinking, and changed alot! He is still disrespectful as hell but I would not call him abusive any more. He occasionally calls me a bitch and he still has the habit of twisting every aurgument into something that is my fault but other than that he changed everything about himself.My kids are grown now and no longer live with us, the only one that is left is "our" 12 year old that I didnt mention. He was born after the loss of the twins. My son hates his father and tells me this pretty much daily. He said to find him a new Dad....
taylor Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Hi Belinda, I read your thread with great interest as I have a sister-in-law who faced similar struggles with an abusive, drug-addicted husband. She stayed with him for many years while her children were small, too weak and too scared to break free from him. She eventually left when he chased her and the children down the street with a loaded shotgun at 3 a.m. upon returning home from the bar. She is a different person now. Strong, confident and independent. She met a loving, caring man and re-married. Her children are grown now. They respect her for the courage and strength she had to get out of a toxic marriage and to build a good life for herself and for them. The children also love and respect their step-father. The eldest daughter recently married and had her step-father walk her down the aisle. Your greatest struggle here is not what to do with your budding affair with OM. It's what to do about the residual effects of being in a long-term marriage with a abuser/addict. You are too weak and vulnerable to make changes in your life. You feel some sense of obligation to this "changed" husband of yours. So you stay in the marriage and cope with it by by initiating an affair. When you were diagnosed with battered women's syndrome, did the counselor give you any advice on how to free yourself of the situation? Steps you could take to get out of this toxic relationship? You have put up with alot...your husband's addiction, alcoholism, abuse, his affair, his dishonesty. How much more are you willing to put up with? Some women would have left the minute CPS got involved. Some women would have left the minute they learned of the affair. Some women would have left the minute their husband laid a hand on them. You left, but obviously came back. Things still aren't working or you wouldn't have reached out to another man. This affair is not the answer to your marital problems. The OM is not your ticket out of the marriage. You may be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Can you tell us more about the OM? Does he know how weak and vulnerable you are? How do you know he isn't taking advantage of your vulnerabilities? I fear for you if your H finds out about your affair. My advice is to leave your husband and divorce. Your marriage is not worth saving...can't see one redeeming quality about it. Then work on YOU...getting your self-esteem back. There is something about being independent...being able to stand on your own two feet..that will give you strength and confidence to build the kind of life you really want. Back off on this budding relationship with the OM while you work on YOU. If you need someone to hold your hand for support, depend on family and good friends who will only have your best interests at heart. When you renew yourself, you will see your husband and the OM in a different light. You will be able to make better choices about who to let into your life. You will not only be doing something good for you, you will be doing something good for your child who still lives with you. He will respect you for it.
Author Belinda82967 Posted October 29, 2008 Author Posted October 29, 2008 Wow, somebody with some compassion and common sense.Thank you Taylor. You must have hit the nail on the head because I was crying by the time I was through with your post. I have told the other man all of this and then some. He too is vulnerable. He has been hurt in the past. He seems really sincere but you never really know now do you? He is more mature and responsible than any person I have ever met. He is compassionate, loving, tender yet still manly. He doesn't take crap but he doesn't give any either.He never pushes me any harder than I need to be pushed. He usually waits on me to take the first step in any direction. He told me to try to save my marriage even though its the last thing in the world that he wants to see happen. He does not want to be the cause of a divorce. He wants me to be sure. If he is using me he is the best actor ever and deserves an academy award. When I was going to the counselor they pretty much told me that I knew what I needed to do but that I had to get to the place in my heart that would let me do it. I am the only one that can make the decision to leave, which I did, and that is when he changed, when he realized that I would not come back. And my sense of obligation to him now is overwhelming. I feel like he did that for me so I owe him. But I am not happy. I also am not un-happy in my marriage like I used to be. I just feel like a marriage is supposed to bring you some degree of happiness. I don't want to live the rest of my life not "feeling" anything. The other man has made me feel again. Its like being brought back from death....Does that make sense to anyone out there?
jwi71 Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 He changed. He improved his behavior. He became a better man. Good for him. So freakin' what? We aren't talking about him. He isn't posting. You are. So enough about him. What do you want? Do you want to make a full blown 100% attempt to save your M(arriage)? Are you prepared to end it with the OM, go to MC, confess the affair and move forward with your H(usband)? To stay is to fix the marriage which requires complete honesty. If you stay and do not give full effort at reconciliation - your own personal hell will continue. And I don't think you want that. If you are not able to make that commitment...get out. File for D, get a place of your own and move on with your life. Find happiness and forget your stbxh. So...ready to go all out to save your M? No? Then you know what to do.
imagine Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Belinda, A lot of folk write in and give a version of a story. We have to try to figure out what is happening through experience in our lives and what happens on these boards. Your recent posts indicate historically that your husband abandoned his post as defender and emotional provider. This entitled you to seek a legitimate divorce. Since then both you and he have reconciled such that he has renewed his husband duties. It is possible that you were too weak to leave the relationship at the stage of abandonment and since have found strength in the arms of an emotional supporter. This is commonly known as an exit affair. This is an artificial relationship which counterfeits the real deal. The consequence of this heartache all 'round. As I see it (rightly or otherwise) is to drop OM and seek advice regarding divorce. Alternatively consult the "marriage builders weekend" program in order to really rehabilitate your marriage. Either way OM must retire completely out of the picture. Sorry love... OM is a serious complication.
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