Belinda82967 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I am going to start with a line that will not make sense by the time I am through. I am not a "cheater" but, I am cheating. In order to explain my side I must go back a few years.... I met my husband in 1994. We were both ending 10 year marriages. I already had 4 children when we got together. He told me that he could not have children. I got pregnant the 7th time that we had sex.I was totally head over hills in love with this man. The pregnancy ended with me having stillborn twins. I believe this is where the trouble started. I knew that I was depressed/suicidal but when you are like that you are powerless to fix it your self, I was dependent on my friends, my kids, my husband. My husband was abusive. Not so much physically, but mentally and verbally. He was also an addict. I thought he was just an alcoholic but he was a meth addict. I had no idea because I had never been around that. For over 10 years I was depressed and he was abusive. He was mean to my kids too. CPS was involved on more than 1 occasion. On another he had me arrested. It finally got bad enough that I left for good in 2005. AND of course this is when he decided to change and change he did. He is a competely different person but I have not been able to forgive him. I have tried. For a long time I wanted nothing more than to feel the way I use to feel about him, but I cant get it back. Now I have fallen for someone else that I truly believe I could be happy with. But I have a sad sick sense of obligation to my husband that I have not been able to get over. I am afraid I am going to lose this chance for happiness.I know that I love my husband but I have no passion for him. I have no respect for him and I dont like him. I dont consider him my friend or even trust him. I have passion for the other man that I havent felt in so long. We have not had intercourse yet, we have only done foreplay...which is really getting HOT! I just need advice from people that dont know me, my husband or the other man so I know it will be un-biased.
Reggie Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Well , this post has a couple contradictions. First, you are a cheater. Not trying to be harsh, but you atre cheating on your spouse, eh? Second, you do not love your husband. You have no respect , trust or passion for him. This is easy, you should tell your husband you are cheating and divorce. What is the issue?
Author Belinda82967 Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 I expected that. I am not a cheater because I dont believe in what I am doing but yes I am still doing it. I got caught up in the feelings...I truly love being married and being in a monogamous relationship. That is what I want. I feel obligated to the one I am with but that does not make me feel any less for the other man. I did not look for a relationship outside my marriage. It found me I didnt find it. I dont know how to make it make sense.
2sunny Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 how to have things make sense? do them in the proper order. it's that simple. get divorced. date OM for a while so that you can understand if he is a good thing or not. if you get married, fine. if not, fine too. don't have more kids unless you know you will stay with your husband (whoever that may be) and that he will be a good partner and role model for the kids. OR stay married. get rid of OM. work on the marriage with counseling and substance abuse programs. provide a safe and loving environment for your kids... they deserve that and you are their Mother... do your job as a Mother before getting involved with more things that distract you from this important role in your life. and yes, you are a cheater... you are giving time and attention (emotional and physical) to someone other than your husband. time and attention that could be productive in your marriage instead of your affair. good luck.
username24 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Don't kid yourself that you are not a cheater. Divorce your H if you want to pursue a relationship with someone else. Otherwise cut all contact with the OM.
Reggie Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Oh, well , that makes perfect sense then. I did not realize you don't believe in it. Of course it's not cheating, then. What was I thinking? And, yeah, that affair just came looking for you. You'd been drugged, right. Or, no, lobotomized. Yeah, that's it , drugged and lobotomized. Oh, and tied up.
SoulStorm Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Belinda, Just because you don't believe in something, doesn't mean it's not real. You are engaging in acts that are indicative to what cheaters do. Regardless of your feelings toward your husband you are still married to him. You are giving your emotions and affections (and believe it or not, oral sex is still sex) to another man instead of your legal and law given husband. You are cheating ..thus you are a cheater. No one can help you unless you realize this first.
Ronni_W Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Belinda, Your desire for a happy, monogamous marriage is perfectly sane and healthy. But, regardless of the circumstances surrounding your adultery, "monogamous relationship" isn't a reality that you have created for yourself. I understand getting caught up in feelings. But, ultimately, we are 100% responsible for the actions that we undertake as the result of our feelings, regardless of whether or not we wanted to experience those feelings in the first place. I get that your personal 'moral code' does not include cheating on your partner. My personal morals don't include murdering people. But, if I just so happen to kill somebody...well, my actions have led me to being a murderer. There would be no other word for it. "Cheating" is the word that describes your behaviour, is all. You don't have to attach any negative judgment to it. (Others will, but YOU don't have to, I mean.) It is going to be extremely difficult for you to make sense of all the different pieces of your situation as long as you choose to deny some of its harsher realities. It's not about "labeling" or having to feel guilty for your actions (you can choose that, or you don't have to.) It's about being honest with yourself so that you can begin to make decisions that will best serve you and your children. (((hugs))). I know it's hard. Wishing you Strength, Guidance and best of luck.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I don't know that you are running to this new guy, so much as running away from the two before him. It sounds like you are mapping a lot of false hope and wishful thinking on this guy in hopes that he will be the "anti" to what you are currently going through, and will ride in like a knight on a white horse and save you. It is common for women in faltering flawed relationships to fixate on the OM and build him up in their minds into something that the OM just isn't. This manifests itself oftentimes into pure, hot passion - the type of turn on that the women didn't think was possible again. That pure, hot passion is a misguided firing in the brain. It isn't OM you are lusting for so much as you are lusting for escape in general - and your escape is taking the form of an affair. I suspect you are like a prisoner looking out of bars at the world and thinking how great it would be to be free. How awesome it would feel to walk unhindered - but I can tell you this: when a prisoner gets out and that bus drops him off with very little to his name into a very real and often unwelcoming world, that fantasy shatters pretty quick. You will need to untangle this in your head some - do you really want OM, or is it your freedom that you really want? Don't run away again into the arms of someone else. It didn't work last time, and I can tell you it won't work again. Free yourself up first, and get all your ducks in a row before you consider a relationship. Spring yourself out of that prison and stand on your own two feet without locking yourself into another one with someone else. You'll be glad in the long run that you did.
Author Belinda82967 Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 Thanks, at least there is one person out there that understands what I was trying to say( I really didnt expect so much negativity) . I know what you are saying is true and before I ever acted on my feelings I went through the guilt and the roller coaster of emotions because I knew where I was headed. And I did not want to go there but all it took was the realization/confirmation that he felt the same way and I jumped on. I actually initiated the contact which is extremely un-like me! My problem is that I want to forgive my husband for the past but he is till being dis-honest about it which makes it hard to forgive. I know he cheated but he wont come clean.I know it sounds like a grudge affair but it does not feel like one. I really feel like I could have a happy life with the other man. And thanks for responding...its nice to be able to talk to someone about this.
Author Belinda82967 Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 That could possibly be true but right now it feels like much more. I thought about that before I ever acted on my feelings.
Ronni_W Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 - do you really want OM, or is it your freedom that you really want? Excellent post, LB. Thanks!
whichwayisup Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 My problem is that I want to forgive my husband for the past but he is till being dis-honest about it which makes it hard to forgive. I know he cheated but he wont come clean.I know it sounds like a grudge affair but it does not feel like one. I really feel like I could have a happy life with the other man. If come comes clean to you about his affair, are you willing to come clean about yours? If you want to fix your marriage, forgive your husband and try to reconnect again, then get to marriage counselling together. IF he refuses to go, then get a divorce as there's no point in staying married to someone that has no interest in fixing things.
Author Belinda82967 Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 Well, that question really got me to thinking! If I came clean about mine that would mean I would have to give him up and I am not sure I could do that right now....His was over 3-1/2 years ago and he still hasnt admitted it. Had he admited it when it ended, I could have either chosen to forgive him and move on with our life together or chosen not to be with him. I KNOW he did it but without a confession I felt compelled to stay with him at least until recently. My affair just started, about 6 weeks ago and at first I felt guilty, and then when I started remembering ALL that he has done to me and my kids I stopped feeling guilty about hurting him. Now I just feel bad because I am going against my own personal morals and beliefs.
GreenX Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 If come comes clean to you about his affair, are you willing to come clean about yours? If you want to fix your marriage, forgive your husband and try to reconnect again, then get to marriage counselling together. IF he refuses to go, then get a divorce as there's no point in staying married to someone that has no interest in fixing things. ^ This. OM aside, you need to figure out what you want. If you choose to stay with your H you both need to come clean with everything and seek counselling.
GreenX Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Well, that question really got me to thinking! If I came clean about mine that would mean I would have to give him up and I am not sure I could do that right now....His was over 3-1/2 years ago and he still hasnt admitted it. Had he admited it when it ended, I could have either chosen to forgive him and move on with our life together or chosen not to be with him. I KNOW he did it but without a confession I felt compelled to stay with him at least until recently. My affair just started, about 6 weeks ago and at first I felt guilty, and then when I started remembering ALL that he has done to me and my kids I stopped feeling guilty about hurting him. Now I just feel bad because I am going against my own personal morals and beliefs. If you KNOW that he had an affair then, why'd you stay with him? What concrete evidence do you have that he actually had an affair? If you have proof then throw it in his face and demand some answers to your questions. This should have been done 3.5 years ago. No matter what he did it doesn't make it right that you're now doing the same thing - and you realize that as you have stated. You have to put everything out on the table. No skeletons left in the closet. There's no room for the bs anymore. You only live once, stop making it more difficult than it has to be.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Thanks, at least there is one person out there that understands what I was trying to say( I really didnt expect so much negativity) You didn't expect feelings of negativity? Well what feelings should cheating and affair extract? positive feelings of joy? If you don't think you are cheating, then tell your husband and see what he thinks of it. Your perception of whether or not you are cheating means nothing. I know what you are saying is true and before I ever acted on my feelings I went through the guilt and the roller coaster of emotions because I knew where I was headed. And I did not want to go there but all it took was the realization/confirmation that he felt the same way and I jumped on. I actually initiated the contact which is extremely un-like me! It IS you. If you did it, then it was in you all along. My problem is that I want to forgive my husband for the past but he is till being dis-honest about it which makes it hard to forgive. I know he cheated but he wont come clean.I know it sounds like a grudge affair but it does not feel like one. I really feel like I could have a happy life with the other man. And thanks for responding...its nice to be able to talk to someone about this. so what is it that you want? Sounds pretty cut and dried to me. You pretty much hate your husband to talk of him this way. You want the passion you are getting for the time being with the other man. So what is keeping you from divorce??
Author Belinda82967 Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 I did demand answers 3-1/2 years ago. I have demanded answers several times. He still denies it. My concrete proof was the fact that he had condoms in his wallet, his breifcase and his truck. I also found condom wrappers in the back of his truck. A tampon in the garbage can when I had been gone for the night....over 30 phone calls a day to this woman on his phone records. The man never once used condoms(flavored condoms) with me so there was no reason to have them. He left for several hours on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Valentines Day...How much more proof would I need to get a confession besides walking in on it?
Dexter Morgan Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I did demand answers 3-1/2 years ago. I have demanded answers several times. He still denies it. My concrete proof was the fact that he had condoms in his wallet, his breifcase and his truck. I also found condom wrappers in the back of his truck. A tampon in the garbage can when I had been gone for the night....over 30 phone calls a day to this woman on his phone records. The man never once used condoms(flavored condoms) with me so there was no reason to have them. He left for several hours on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Valentines Day...How much more proof would I need to get a confession besides walking in on it? You don't need any proof. What you have found is enough, coupled by the fact you want another man to get a divorce and move on. So what are you waiting for?
imagine Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Well, now you and your husband have stooped to the same level. Apparently he thought you were worthwhile not to continue. Apparently you do not think him worthwhile. Why then be a thief with it and rob him of the continued resources that he provides. I'm sure that OM is charming. So was H when you married. I truly do not need to continue writing. You have seen the future. The trouble is that OM is already an addiction. You may want to wean away from OM. But you have already led him on. What to do? What to do? Do what is right!
GreenX Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I did demand answers 3-1/2 years ago. I have demanded answers several times. He still denies it. My concrete proof was the fact that he had condoms in his wallet, his breifcase and his truck. I also found condom wrappers in the back of his truck. A tampon in the garbage can when I had been gone for the night....over 30 phone calls a day to this woman on his phone records. The man never once used condoms(flavored condoms) with me so there was no reason to have them. He left for several hours on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Valentines Day...How much more proof would I need to get a confession besides walking in on it? Then why stay?? Is it the security in the marriage, finances, etc.? Surely it isn't for love. That is MORE than enough evidence that he had cheated. I'm sure if you had walked in on him in the act and he shelled out some excuse as "I was trying to help her figure out where this tingling sensation was coming from" - would you then see him for what he was? A liar, a cheater? I'm sure you're saying "Of course!" So, why then, with all the other evidence was it not enough? You KNOW he is lying/has lied, why put up with it? You're now leading the same deceitful life that he did, 3.5 years ago. Isn't it time to change that path? Isn't it time to be free and happy? Can you afford to be on your own? Is there any family that could help you out until you can get on your own two feet and redeem the life that you once had? The direction you're heading in now with the OM will NOT get you there. The only thing it will get you is a lot more heartache/trouble - you do realize that right?
Reggie Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 You are justifying what you know to be wrong. You are deluding yourself and you make little sense. Sorry but anyone that can actually say something like" I am not a cheater, but I am cheating" or words to the effect that you were not looking for the affair, needs help. One day, hopefully, you'll look back on this and be embarrassed by what you have written here. By the way, your husband was a jerk/abuser to cheat. I don't blame you for not loving him. But, be honest.
Lizzie60 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 From what I read.. your husband cheated and won't, to this day, admit it.. now you're having an affair and won't admit it.. fair enough.. what's the problem? What's good for him is good for you... If he finds out.. deny it..
LakesideDream Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 how to have things make sense? do them in the proper order. it's that simple. get divorced. date OM for a while so that you can understand if he is a good thing or not. if you get married, fine. if not, fine too. don't have more kids unless you know you will stay with your husband (whoever that may be) and that he will be a good partner and role model for the kids. OR stay married. get rid of OM. work on the marriage with counseling and substance abuse programs. provide a safe and loving environment for your kids... they deserve that and you are their Mother... do your job as a Mother before getting involved with more things that distract you from this important role in your life. and yes, you are a cheater... you are giving time and attention (emotional and physical) to someone other than your husband. time and attention that could be productive in your marriage instead of your affair. good luck. Whether you are a cheater or not is really moot isn't it? You claim your husband is mentally/verbally abusive... not good. You claim he's an alky, also not good. You claim he's addicted to meth, deal breaker. Adult crystal addicts already have one foot in the grave and the other on a banana skin. No spouse, no mom, no dad, no friend can deal with a meth addict. If you try to help, you are doomed to failure, likey inviting total ruin into your life. You have 4 children to protect. Put as many miles as you can between you and your addicted husband... and file restraining orders. Then file for divorce. He's already gone.
2sunny Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 His was over 3-1/2 years ago and he still hasnt admitted it. Had he admited it when it ended, I could have either chosen to forgive him and move on with our life together or chosen not to be with him. I KNOW he did it but without a confession I felt compelled to stay with him at least until recently. My affair just started, about 6 weeks ago and at first I felt guilty, and then when I started remembering ALL that he has done to me and my kids I stopped feeling guilty about hurting him. Now I just feel bad because I am going against my own personal morals and beliefs. this is just your mind trying to justify your bad behavior. the fact that you point the finger at his crap to justify yours is just adding fuel to the fire - not really acknowledging a solution at all... but just making excuses that will keep things the same.
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