artgirlie Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Okay this is going to be a long one, I'm new to this forum. I'm 28 years old and I've been with my boyfriend for over 8 years now. We've been living together for over 3 years. I've come to the point where I feel that he is never going to ask me to marry him and he's always down and out about money. I feel like he's not really doing anything for me. I still love him and I think about breaking up with him but then I see him and everythings okay. He's very moody and goes through periods of being really depressed or just down right mean. I feel bad and I'm afraid that if I break up with him he'll be devastated without me. I've become so used to being with him that I'm afraid of being alone, even when he's bitchy and makes me feel like crap. For probably the last 6 months I've been thinking about other people. Like we'll be having sex and I'll be thinking about someone else. I've never cheated on him and I don't ever want to cheat on anyone. Then the next week everything might be fine and then I'm thinking about someone else again. Okay so this is where it gets a little more soap opera. I really like this other guy that I've known for a very long time. I think he's always had a thing for me too. We hung out last night and talked a lot and he's really cool and I can't stop thinking about him. I haven't felt like this in a long time. So my question is, should I break up with my boyfriend right now or should I wait till he makes me upset so that I have an excuse? I don't want to jump right ahead and start dating someone else. This other guy I like can wait and I know he's always going to be in my life. I'm just afraid that I might be making a mistake by breaking up. I'm afraid of what he'd do without me, but I have to think about myself. My parents were in a terrible abusive relationship and i think that I see myself copying that. He's never been physical with me, it's more mental and I just feel like his depression drags me down. I don't know what to do and if I do break up with him I don't want to seem like I'm throwing myself at this other guy.
MichiganMan222 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Well this is my opinion and someone can tell me if its wrong, but let's look at this....you're unhappy in your current relationship AND you just met someone you're romantically interested in? I can tell you, your relationship is already doomed. You might as well get it over with. The sooner the better for both of you. Why wait for him to give you a reason? You're already unhappy. That is just you worried about guilt and making him the bad guy on an acute level. I'm not saying you're the bad person otherwise. If you're unhappy, you're unhappy. On the other hand, if you hang on to it and try to make it work, you will end up getting depressed being 'stuck' in the doomed relationship while thinking about that other guy. Then you end up with the same result only later in life, drawn out and probably uglier than a well thought out, civil heart-to-heart break-up. It won't be pleasant anyway, but I can't see how doing it now isn't better than waiting and doing it later.
lofi_tokyo Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I definitely think if the relationship you are in is making you sad, then there is no reason to stay in it unless you feel the problems are fixable. That being said, I'm not sure if I'm a huge supporter of leaving one guy to be with other one. The grass always looks greener on the other side, you know what I mean? So... If you can see yourself breaking up with the man you're with for reasons completely unrelated to comparing him to the new guy, then get out! I'd suggest going NC on your then-to-be ex in that case, because him finding out you've left him for someone else will KILL him (trust me I know). Anyways, best of luck to your in your situation.
MichiganMan222 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I'm always on the side of working things out, but look at the reasons she considers not breaking up....she's worried about how HE will feel; how HE will survive without her, etc. Not once does she wonder if she'll miss him or regret the decision because she loves him. If she tries to work it out, it will only prolong the inevitable, other guy or not. I would NEVER say another romantic interest should be the cause for a relationship to go south. I'm saying in this case, it sounds like the interest is a symptom of it going south already and she should get out on that merit alone.
lofi_tokyo Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Yup, I don't disagree with ya Michiganman, I was just throwing my own perspective into it ;p
Author artgirlie Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 Thank you everyone for your replies. If i do break up with him it's not because of this other guy. I do worry a lot about how he will handle me breaking up with him and I worry about him being more depressed. But you guys are right I do have to think about me. I do worry about it being a mistake and I do love him, that's why I'm worrried about him. And i'm afraid of being alone and if I'll miss him. If I broke up with him I would not go to someone else right away even though there's a guy I am attracted to. It's more that me thinking about this other guy lately has given me cause to think that my relationship is starting to fall apart and not what it used to be. i would never cheat and don't plan on it. And I'm thinking that when I do break up I will need some serious alone time, i don't want to rush into another serious relationship. I'm just worried about hurting him but I think I do need to think about myself too. It's just so hard, I've never had to break up with anyone, I think that's one of the biggest things.
lofi_tokyo Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Well Artgirlie, I think you're doing really well so far. Namely because you're being so honest about how you are feeling. I also really REALLY respect that you are willing to be alone for a bit before jumping into anything with the new guy. Thank you for just saying that. My ex left me for another woman, and thats a sore point for me, so somehow you saying what you are helps me in turn. Anyways. I think breaking up with him is something completely respectable to do. You are worried about hurting him, and hes depressed... well... I am clinically depressed, and my opinion on depression is: Its a medical condition. You cannot blame others actions for your depression. Overall, despite my condition, I would say I'm a happy person - because I personally choose to be and actively TRY to be happy. That is something only your boyfriend can do for himself. Weather or not you leave him is should not be a determining factor. If he uses his depression to make you feel guilty, that is even more reason to get out of the relationship, because it isn't your responsibility to fix him, that comes from within. You can be there to help, yes, and its wonderful having good people with you while over coming depression, but at the end of the day, he must make his own choices. Perhaps the breakup will shatter him for a few months. That is to be expected. BUT! I hope, that over time he will grow. You forcing him to be on his own will force him to pick himself up. If he choses to wallow in his own sadness, you cannot blame yourself. You deserve to be happy.
MichiganMan222 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I agree if you're worried about his well-being afterwards, you don't pursue the other guy for awhile. That is the last nice thing you can do for him. My exgf was with someone days after I finally threw in the towel and it is making the healing 10x worse. Its not so much thinking of them being together, but rather more the fact that she obviously had this lined up long before we were over. The break-up hurt; but that part of it devastated me. You seem like you've got it together. That should help in your healing too.
avenger Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 In dating there is always a risk.... If you leave your current guy and get with the new guy and the new guy is not as good as the old guy you may regret it but every relationship is different. some need to date for 5 years plus before marrying.... Me personally I would date for 5 years to a person before making a choice. My ex gf cheated after 2 1/2 yrs of dating.... see what I mean... I have to test a woman to see how long and she keep the act up before the real them comes out... You should do the same
lofi_tokyo Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 In dating there is always a risk.... If you leave your current guy and get with the new guy and the new guy is not as good as the old guy you may regret it but every relationship is different. some need to date for 5 years plus before marrying.... Me personally I would date for 5 years to a person before making a choice. My ex gf cheated after 2 1/2 yrs of dating.... see what I mean... I have to test a woman to see how long and she keep the act up before the real them comes out... You should do the same While I don't disrespect your opinion avenger, waiting 5 years to see how long she can "keep up the act" is kind of... untrusting. Can you really be apprehensive for 1 year, let alone 5?
MichiganMan222 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I agree with toykovogue. A 5 year+ limitation is way too long. It depends on sooooo may factors. Age, financial situation, emotional state, etc. In fact I was thinking waiting 5 years may actually cause some to people to bail for perceived lack of commitment. If I had to put a time frame on it, I would say between 1 and 2 years is plenty of time to know pretty much what you're getting without waiting too long.
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