I am now getting a divorce!

[mendsley]

Well I tried to call and be nice and try to figure things out. Well she got very ugly and said some pretty $h1tty things that will be hard for me to forgive. After we tried to talk and she was done blaming me for our seperation I told here that I have tried everything I could to help me and her along in our marriage. Well she said she is not going to marriage counseling and never will. I asked her if she still had feelings for me and there was silence. I asked her if there was anything she could think of to help us and she said I dont want to think about that. Well I am all tried out and am in a corner, so I figured getting a divorce is best to start the healing process NOW and start moving along for me and my son. I have tried for almost 3 months with not one positive feedback from her, just requests for money. So Can anyone give me advice on how to protect myself, my child, and tips on how to start accepting what the heck just happened. Thanks-

[sadintexas]

Well, you need to start shopping for an attorney. They are not all created equal, so find one you like that is also well versed in family law and divorce.

 

You need to think about an equitable split of the marital assets and what you want as far as visitation/custody of your child. Most judges are going to approve something in the range of a 50/50 split on the assets and will accept a standard parenting plan at the minimum. In my experience, if you have a pretty clear idea of what you want, what you're willing to sacrifice, and what is a MUST for you, then you have a better chance of negotiating the settlement with little drama. That is, of course, if your wife doesn't try to prolong the divorce for whatever reason.

 

Judges don't decide on the terms of the divorce unless the divorce is disputed and goes to trial. They do review the decree to ensure that it seems legal and fair. Decrees rarely get kicked back for modification, but it can happen if something is relatively onesided or if any child(ren) are not properly provided for.

 

Here in Texas the attorney files the petition for divorce which starts a mandatory 60 day waiting period before the divorce decree can be signed. The divorce decree is what has all of the settlement terms in it, not the petition. SO you don't have to have it all figured out just to file the petition. After your wife is served with the petition, she should get an attorney, and the negotiations begin. It will vary from state to state, but the answer to the process can be found online easily.

 

It's possible that the two of you can come to an agreement without the use of separate attorneys, but you should always have independent counsel review it for each of your protection. If this is a feasible option for the two of you, you will need to talk to her before hiring an attorney to file the petition. Once you sign the agreement for his legal services, he becomes your attorney only, and you will most likely have to pay a retainer for his services which you will lose if you decide to go a different route afterwards. If you decide to work on this together, you can work out the details and then hire attorneys separately at an hourly rate to review and advise.

 

The worst mistake that can be made, IMO, is using the divorce as a process to hurt your spouse (not saying you would). Saying things to intimidate your spouse doesn't help anyone, although it is very common to want to do once you start experiencing the anger that will set in. If you find yourself getting overly emotional, let your attorney handle all communication regarding the divorce. You pay them for this service, it's not a favor they're doing you.

 

My xH (who was nuts anyway and not in the least what you can expect in a regular divorce) started a smear campaign against me to my family by writing them letters (they all starting refusing all other means of communication from him). My attorney finally stepped in and asked everyone to send all mail from him UNOPENED to the law office so they could read it and determine if there was anything that needed to be addressed. Nope, just more of the same attacks. I had refused contact so he tried to go through my family to hurt me. Which he did because they shared the letters with me.

 

Which brings me to my next point. Understand that your friends and family are yours, and hers are hers. Not to say you can't maintain a good relationship with any that you have a good relationship with now, BUT that is her individual support system. Let them be there for her while yours are there for you.

 

Divorces aren't easy. You will go through a lot of emotions and it's easy in this charged environment to let simple conversations turn into heated arguments that can escalate out of control. Try to be super conscious of your feelings to avoid that if you can. It only hurts matters.

 

If things get nasty, don't reveal what your plans are to her at all any step of the way. Let your attorney advise you. The attorney has seen this a lot while it's new to you. Let his experience be your guide.

 

Having a current inventory of your marital assets, not only physical possessions, but accounts, retirement funds, etc., is important. Think of it as making a list for insurance purposes as far as physical possessions go. You'd be surprised how often this comes in handy (think of a surprise visit in which many things come up missing). You also have to think of the division of existing debt, or a way to repay it all before the divorce is final.

 

Last, if you can do this, sit down together to talk to your child about the divorce. I know there's a lot of good information out there on how to break the news to children and how to handle it during and after the divorce. You want to try to minimize any ill effect on your child as possible, and he has to know that you are BOTH there for him.

 

That's all I can think of for now. Hope that helps.

[sadintexas]

This is really necessary only in the event things turn ugly, but I'm going to put them out there because no one ever knows how things will go.

 

Consider getting a PO Box for your mail. Have your utilities in your name with instructions on your account that no one can authorize any changes to your account without a pass code.

 

I've seen mail get forwarded all over the place and utilities disconnected as revenge tactics.

[misternoname]

What part of Texas? I have a bull dog divorce attorney located in Southlake. Let me know if you'd like his number and I'll reply in a private message. Good luck...it sucks. Been there (hell, I'm there NOW!) done that.

[jasperlynx]

sounds like a nasty situation. Were you really pressuring her to get back with you? Do you still live in the same house? How do all the begging and pleading and anger effect your son? Please let us know, Those things really have alot to do with what is going on. How long has this been going on?. Im in same situation but handling it different, I know you dont want to end it........do she get a attornny? Did she mention divorce or "i just dont want this anymore" big difference. get back to me.

[mendsley]

Thank you so much for the information, I am really trying to do this the best I can for me and her. I have been really trying as hard as I can to not make this a reality but I feel I am in a corner and need to do this so I can emotionally move on. I have done several things for not only myself but for her and our son. I don't want a divorce but, I have brought up several times that we need a marriage counselor or another way to work on our problems. I have been seeing a counselor for myself for almost 2 months now and I can really see my problems and I work very hard on them every day to better myself. I asked her if maybe she would consider to see one herself and she said "no way"! When we first seperated the next day she had put up on her Myspace and Facebook that she was single. I told her that I felt it was wrong and we are still married and she should change it. She said "no we are not married but rather we are seperated", so I am not sure what she is thinking but I felt that was a slap in my face and she wanted to start seeing other people.

 

After we talked and I decided that divorce is want she really wanted but did not want to tell me or just prolong it. I fell like it is the right thing to do. I do really love her and my son and 2 step children and I am worried that this is really gonna affect her, she has a part time job making min. wag, is on wellfare, and I feel it is only right that I give her money until she can get on her feet, but all she wants to do is go to concerts, clubs, and "kick it with her freinds". But there is a part of me that feels she did not realize what I actually did for our family emotionally and financially. My friends tell me that I should let her fall flat on her face and feel pain, but I dont know if that is the right thing to do. We were together for ten years, granted this was her dicision to leave me, but I just love her so much and hate seeing her go thru this. For once in my life I do not know what to do. I do know a divorce is something that is needed if she does not want to work on our marriage, but I don't know if I should keep giving her what she wants financially. Thanks again for everyones time here, this site has been very healthy for me and I appreciate all of you

[In Like Flynn]

Do not enable her with money. She needs to know that living the single life is expensive and maybe she should give her marriage another try. But you can provide for your kid by going online and use you states child support calculator using your wages. Pay that amount!!!

[jasperlynx]

Are you still in the house? or apt? Thats important. Dont leave! If you left then of course give her enough money for the kids. By all means dont pressure her or fight, or argue with her. It will only make her push farther and farther away. If she says dont call...dont call. period! She call you when she wants to talk to you. and believe me ...she wont be to bitch about anything. Wouldnt it be nice if she called and you had a nice conversation with a few laughs? Dont talk about your relationship..just kids. Youll see.. i want my wife back too! tried begging, and begging and trying and trying to convince her ive changed. Words are cheap...once you prove by laying off the pressuring she be more anxious to have a one on one converstion with you. Dont talk about you or her.......just kids and what ever. you'll see. another thing if you see the conversation getting a tinge toward the negative side...... a nasty or lets say.....she says..."well you do what you want and Ill do what I want" ignore it. dont get crazy with "what do you mean by that?" bullcrap. Just ignore and say " anyways ill talk to you later". and dont call her. unless it absolutley neccessay. get my drift. I know you want her back....when you love somebody you love somebody. dont give up...just give it a little time to cool off. keep positive and be a man. the worst thing you can do is PRESSURE HER. Leave her be and you'll see. BE NICE! She wont expect it. Maybe its the new you. hmmmm.

[Owl]

I've only followed your last two threads...but I've got to ask...have you tried finding out if there is someone else?

 

I've RARELY seen instances where a woman checks out of a marriage this completely without having an "escape plan". And that nearly always includes having already engaged in an exit affair designed to help her break out of her marriage.

 

Have you looked at her communications lines prior to her leaving? Cell phone usage, internet (email and IM), etc...?

 

I'm betting there's someone who's already "replaced you" in her life...which explains the way she's treating you.

 

Have you tried to find anything out along these lines?

[mendsley]

I am not in the same house with her. She left me and went to her lady friends house until she got a job and a house for herself. I gave her a couple thousand dollars to help get a house and utilities for her and the kids and she is just about done with that money. She has found a house to rent and is waiting to move in. When she left I felt it was only right to give her everything in the house except the bed and tv, but she does has EVERYTHING. I am trying to be as helpful as possible because of the kids sake. I have tried to be nice and not talk about our relationship and just talk about other things. I did see it was easier to talk to her but, I cannot help to think about the clubs she is going to, concerts, and fun with the girls who are single. I feel if she is not going to put any effort, or at least tell me we can after work on it after a certain amount of time, in our marriage and I am trying so hard; why continue on. I really do not want this, but I also feel pain every single day because I went from feeling important to least important for some reason she will tell me. I am completely in the unkown on what to do, I really feel she is using me until she is financially able to support herself. I know she is doing what it takes to survive but, I don't think it is fair to be taking advantage of by someone who has me so vulnerable. Maybe I am looking at this all wrong but, I have tried to understand what she is doing and it makes no sense. I am not going to contact her and see if maybe what is going on is an eye opener and maybe she'll want to talk for real. I want to talk to her so much, but when we talk it is about how I made things so horrible for her. I know I made some mistakes but, she made some too that she needs to know and accept. I mean we had sex 6 TIMES A YEAR, I tried to go to counseling and other attempts to bring passion in our lives but I guess when there is no response than I can only stop trying. Passion is a responsability for both people and she had nothing to do with trying to make it better. Well the divorce in the state I am in, Utah, takes about 90 days, so if within that time frame she wants and proves she is willing to work on this I will end it immediatly and save our marriage but if she makes no effort than why stop it? I hope this is the right thing to do?

[SRV]

To live in limbo and constant agony of "what if". You can never force someone to love you and in due course they can never force you to love them back. You have tough decisions to make, Owl was spot on in his advise, I would embrace it. Hope everything works out for you, she has moved out of the house that's an indication that she has moved on, I would suggest that you start the process too instead of hurting or pinning for someone that is emotionall and physically gone.

 

Stay strong, wish you the best.

[mendsley]

I've only followed your last two threads...but I've got to ask...have you tried finding out if there is someone else?

 

I've RARELY seen instances where a woman checks out of a marriage this completely without having an "escape plan". And that nearly always includes having already engaged in an exit affair designed to help her break out of her marriage.

 

Have you looked at her communications lines prior to her leaving? Cell phone usage, internet (email and IM), etc...?

 

I'm betting there's someone who's already "replaced you" in her life...which explains the way she's treating you.

 

Have you tried to find anything out along these lines?

 

I have snooped a little but she has changed passwords and put a password on her cell phone. I have suspected someone else but I have no way to prove it. I do talk to one of her freinds who does not approve of what she is doing to me. She said she has asked a couple times if there was someone else and my wife said no there is not. I am really unsure if there is, I think she would do this with no plan. She is the type where she has to prove something. She has told me a couple of times in the last couple of weeks that she does not need me or anyone else, all she needs is herself. So your guess is as good as mine

[SRV]

A woman will NEVER, EVER admit that there is someone else unless they are caught RED-HANDED. Her changing the passwords is an indication that something is definitely up, where there is smoke there is fire.

[jasperlynx]

thats not true. she knows your snooping..or figures you might. Women are wierd. They will make your nuts in situations like this. When they get mad ....like my wife...they say awlful things to make you feel just helpless. Ive noticed a pattern like I said before. When things are cool..like talking and getting along...then as soon as you say ...."whats going to happen?" they start with the ugly stuff that makes you feel like " why did I open my big mouth"..... stay cool man .I know it hurts Im going thru the exactly same thing almost identical. I feel like im looking in the mirror at your post. Very creepy. Your not alone, if you need to someone that can really relate to your situation contact me @ [email protected] Im on your side....and understand..

[mendsley]

Thank you so much for everyones help and input. You know I am just amazed on how I was tought, while in the military, that there should be a plan and a planB. Well this is the only time that I can say I am not going to live up that expectation. I have made a decision, based on my own self well being and I will take it one step at a time. If it turns out that maybe she has had some message from god to try work things out I will give her the benefit of the doubt. But as I have learned from other postings, she will have to prove that she really wants to work on us. The reality is we both will move on and shake our heads, shrug our shoulders, and say "what a damn shame". Thanks again -

[Dexter Morgan]

mendsley,

unfortunately that seems to be the world we live in today. women will complain how they can't find a good man, all the time being attracted to players. And then you have a good man, such as yourself, that busts his hump to provide a great life for his family, and this is the thanks you get.

 

Its best to just divorce and get away from a woman like this. You'll be better off. It may not seem like it now, but when its all over, you will get your life back.

[mendsley]

I have been reading some more threads and I came accross something that I think is what I am most scared about. The thread said that the hardest thing is when you love someone so much and that person is truly your best friend. You have emotional support, laughs, the look from them that says everything is gonna be alright, and having someone there with you that knows you deeply. When she left, she left with everything in the house and in my life. The only thing I have is a truck, bed, tv and the memories of my family the I cheerish so much. But the hardest thing I will have to deal with is the question of why, why did she leave me. She will not give me a reason just dance around the subject. I am learning alot about me, and I know that is important but I still feel I am only half of me and the other half is ten hours away.

[jasperlynx]

Hope it works out.

[Owl]

What does her family say about her actions? Have you talked with them about your efforts to reconcile? Does she have friends that might also be able to help you on this front?

 

When I asked about her cell phone usage...I was also referring to checking her past history. Say in the past six months or so.

 

Who's name is the bill in? Have you tried going online to look at the past invoices? Most cell companies have an online invoice you can access if you're on the account.

 

What about credit card purcahses during that same timeframe? Meals/motel rooms/gifts that YOU never got?

 

What about email accounts that she uses(used)?

[mendsley]

Well I have been talking to one of her best friends that does not approve what she is doing and she is saying that they talk all the time and she has asked my wife if she is or has been interested in anyone else and my wife said no. I am pretty sure if this is what was going on than her friend would know. I can honestly say that I can bet she is trying to find someone, but she has no one yet. She has put single on her Myspace and when I asked her about it she said that she put "Complicated" and for some reason it showed "single". After I talked to her it still says single, so I am guesing that is her frame of mind. I also found out she has a Facebook account and it also says single, so it'ss pretty evident what she wants. I really dont talk to her family except her mother and her mom is completley broke up about her leaving me. All her mom tells me is my wife is going to do what she wants to do and all I have to do is worry about me right now. I really hope I am doing the right thing, our relationship was really not that bad, we had NO passion, but I thought we were really good for each other. I just don't know what to do, I have already told her she has till friday to tell me if she does not really want to divorce or I am going to file. I hope this is best -

[TrustInYourself]

You asked why? Sometimes it's isn't about us. It's about them.

 

If she wants out, letting her out is just a blessing to you in the long run.

[SRV]

" I really dont talk to her family except her mother and her mom is completley broke up about her leaving me. All her mom tells me is my wife is going to do what she wants to do and all I have to do is worry about me right now."

 

-Do not talk to her friends, do not talk to her mom. Do you honestly think that her friends and especially her mom will take sides against her daughter in her trying to seek happiness? She probably trashed you to her mom, stop talking to her about your wife. If you need to talk about her go to a MC or your close guy friends.

 

-This makes you come off as dependent and needy. Women seek strength in men, you going to "whine" to her mom and friends makes you look "weak".

 

-Why would you want someone that does not want you?

 

-Focus on you, assume that she is gone and continue living your life. Time waits for no man, I know it is hard, nothing is easy.

 

-Best of luck!

[Owl]

" I really dont talk to her family except her mother and her mom is completley broke up about her leaving me. All her mom tells me is my wife is going to do what she wants to do and all I have to do is worry about me right now."

 

-Do not talk to her friends, do not talk to her mom. Do you honestly think that her friends and especially her mom will take sides against her daughter in her trying to seek happiness? She probably trashed you to her mom, stop talking to her about your wife. If you need to talk about her go to a MC or your close guy friends.

 

-This makes you come off as dependent and needy. Women seek strength in men, you going to "whine" to her mom and friends makes you look "weak".

 

-Why would you want someone that does not want you?

 

-Focus on you, assume that she is gone and continue living your life. Time waits for no man, I know it is hard, nothing is easy.

 

-Best of luck!

 

SRV- If you get a chance...take a look at a website called marriagebuilders. Specifically, read up there in their free material about "exposure". It'll make more sense in that context.

[mendsley]

Thanks owl for the information, I will check it out tonight. I am really confused on what to do. Today me and the wife talked, I called her, and I wanted to know more about how she stood with us getting a divorce. I wanted to know how to deal with child custody, child support, and I guess how she really felt about getting a divorce. She said she felt sad that I told her we should get a divorce because she said she was'nt sure if that is what she wanted. I figure if she did not want to get a divorce she would try to prevent it. She said she wants to see what happens once she gets in her house and things settle down for her. I feel if she wanted anything to do with me should call every once in awhile and say she missed me, or she was thinking of me. She is a really heard headed person, we could probably go thru this whole divorce thing and she would not even bat an eye. So I don't know if I should wait or if I should continue on with the divorce. A part of me feels there is someone else out there that can make me feel loved and respected but a part of me says she is a beautiful person inside and we have history together why throw that away if there is a chance. Hmmmmmm, decisions, I hate this so much!!

[sadintexas]

She hasn't treated you especially well during this separation. My first inclination was that she's keeping you on the line to either a) go back to you if the single life isn't what she thought; b) for financial support so she isn't rushed to start taking care of herself and c) to go back to you if she doesn't succeed in finding someone else to take care of her.

 

I know that's blunt, but that was my first impression. She's making no efforts to work on your marriage and has flat out refused MC (if I remember correctly).

 

To test her commitment to the marriage, you can always tell her that she has until x date to commit to marriage counseling with you or you will proceed with the divorce. I don't know if counseling will help you if she isn't really wanting to participate but it's something to think about.

 

I say call her bluff and make her live up to the choices she has made here. But that's easy for me to say because I'm not walking in your shoes