The first face to face since "the end"...

[raspberries]

Well guys, I don't think it could have gone any worse! Luckily, the exMM is an easy going guy. Its been about a month and a half since the exMM and his wife ended their open marriage. Since then, we have talked only a few times, and this was the first time we had seen each other since.

 

I was headed to my home town this past weekend to get away from school, and see an old friend who was home. Coincidentally, this was the same weekend, exMM was playing there. (A gig he booked before we ended the relationship). There was a whole bunch of people headed to the venue that night, and I was headed there with them. I was anxious enough about how the night would go, and then disaster struck!

 

My father, who NEVER goes out, decided that this would be a good night to pick up my mother from work, and have a couple of drinks with us. I was paniced! When i walked into the place where he was playing, I got an immediate hug from him. Which my father witnessed. So when my father walked in, he shook his hand and said, "I'm 'the dad'." The exMM then said that he had met "the mom" earlier in the evening while out for supper. I had to have been 10 shades of red at this point. I couldn't believe it had turned into a "meet the parents" event!

 

Between sets he would sit with me, and we'd catch up, and talk. We did spend time, after my parents left, discussing our situation, and him saying how horrible he felt about how abruptly it ended, and that he knew it had been hard on me. His wife had travelled there with him, but was not out for the show. So when he finished playing, we walked around town for almost an hour, still continously talking. As if nothing had changed. Except....you could feel the tension of resisting temptation. Over the duration of the night, there was definate body language that showed we're both as interested as we ever were (IE leaning in while talking, making eye contact across the room, etc.) But the most that happened physically was hugs. Come the end of the night, when we were saying our goodbyes, he hugged me, we then just looked at each other, full on eye contact, and then he gave me a second huge hug.

 

It was so hard, but I am happy we were able to keep it non-physical. Even though, it was a bit emotionally stressful. And to add to it, he informed me that his wife wanted to meet me. At that point I threw any maturity I had been using out the window and point blank said I wasn't sure I was comfortable with that. (and yes, I realize that if I was sleeping with her husband, I should have the guts to meet her, and show the respect I say I have for her). However, upon me say I wasn't comfortable with it, he said that he didn't feel comfortable with it either. With his normal persona, I didn't think that something like this would have been an issue, but apparently it is, and I'm not sure why.

 

I head to the town where we had both been living when we met, (he has since moved to a town not far away), in a couple of weeks to visit good friends, and there's always the possibility of running into him at the favored watering hole....hopefully, we can make the "just friends" situation work....

[Owl]

Just exactly how is this "just friends" thing going to work when there's that much "tension" between you?

 

You couldn't even keep things "just friends" in your own mind on this trip. You blushed when he 'met the parents', you were keying on the same physical attraction that had been there before.

 

You're not "just friends" in your own mind.

 

There's no way that continued contact with him is going to foster a 'friendship only' relationship between you.

 

You saw that on this last bit of interaction with him.

 

This is why NC is such a huge thing.

 

Question...if his marriage is ended (I assume divorce)...what IS keeping the two of you apart?

[raspberries]

NC will only work while I'm not living in that town. We hang out with the same crew of people, and at the same social venues. I refuse to give up some of my best friends, and the happiness I experience in that town (even before I met him), just so I can avoid one person.

 

Also, his marriage has not ended, it's that him and his wife had been in an open marriage, and she decided she had enough of it, so they went back to being exclusive.

 

However Owl, I do have to give you credit on a post you made on my previous thread about the age difference. My father seemed worried when he heard how old the exMM was, and then proceeded to ask if he was married. The answer relieved him, bc in his mind, that meant we had only ever been friends.

[Owl]

OK, so I'm doing some guessing here.

 

But since they've gone back to an 'exclusive marriage'...that means that the affair is over, and the two of you are attempting to going back to being 'just friends'?

 

I can completely see how difficult that can be.

 

And I can appreciate not wanting to change the friends and fun that you expect when you go to that town.

 

But perhaps you could consider asking your friends to do things with you that don't put you in contact with MM? Don't explain why, and you don't need to be obvious...but when they suggest that you go someplace that he's at...offer an alternate choice and simply tell them that you'd rather not go to that place.

 

Make sense?

 

I'm betting that your dad picked up on a LOT more of what's going on at this point than you realize. I doubt he walked out of there thinking that the two of you were simply friends...from your description, I'd bet he's aware that there is/was more to it than that, but chose not to make a deal about it right then.

 

And if he can...others can too.

 

How would your friends in this area react if they knew the whole story?

[raspberries]

Your assumption is right. Haha, Owl, you have no idea how much I've come to enjoy your input, so blunt, exactly what i need! Thanks!

 

After this last encounter with him, I have put serious consideration into making a valid attempt at NC, as hard as I know it will be, I can not handle the added stress of this situation right now. It's easy enough when we're nowhere near each other, it'll just be a matter of careful stepping while i'm in that town.

 

Some friends who i was at the pub with that night, mentioned something to me about how me and the exMM looked at each other. but never asked any further questions. As for my friends who know both me and him, the closest of them know about our past relationship, as we weren't exactly descrete while hanging out with that close knit group of friends.

[Owl]

A suggestion on the NC front...

 

Have a PLAN.

 

Don't just wing it.

 

Think about how the two of you normally communicate. Then think of how to block those avenues. ON BOTH SIDES.

 

Yes, you can stop emailing/IM'ing/calling...but at the same time, you need to take steps to block them coming IN as well.

 

Otherwise, you end up right back in the mix.

 

So put together your "goodbye". Send it to him. And then IMMEDIATELY take those actions. Delete email accounts, change phone numbers, etc...as soon as you end it with him.

 

Also...have a "support network" in place. You know that its going to be tough...so already have a plan to fill the gap in time and energy that will be left. Start working out, take up an old hobby, start a new one....SOMETHING to distract you. Have at least one good friend you can talk with about this who can support you and keep you accountable to not resuming contact.

 

Hope that helps!

[raspberries]

Thanks Owl! If you think a support system is going to be vital for this expedition, I may have just start off by limiting contact, as I don't have a support system where I'm currently living. Which I think, in part, has contributed to the "break up" being as hard as it has been for me....

 

but....i do appreciate all advice you've put forward! And I'm sure it will be used soon enough!

[Owl]

The world is smaller, my friend.

 

Your support system doesn't HAVE to be 'in person'...it helps if they are, but if you've got friends/family that you can call and talk to on a moment's notice, that might be sufficient.

 

The bottom line is to mentally PREPARE yourself. You know its not going to be easy...but that's not an excuse to let yourself fail, either.

 

Better to do it without a firm support system (but make sure you beef up the other elements of your plan...it means you're going to have to be accountable to YOURSELF...so make sure you've got a good handle on how to manage your time and energy when NC goes into place)...better to do it without a strong support system but with a mitigation plan to help rather than NOT do it at all.

 

And limited contact doesn't normally help. Its like a drug...VERY much like a drug addiction. Giving yourself "just enough" to keep you going is also "just enough" to keep the ADDICTION fed and going.

 

Make sense?