StringerLives Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Hello, I just joined today, but read several threads and am impressed! This is very confusing for me, so please bear with me. My wife and I have been married for a little over three years and have been together for about seven. In that time, long story short, we went from people who liked to camp, see movies, go to different restaurants, hang out with friends, and other typical things, to recluses. That is both of our faults (but hers more than mine ). I keep trying to get her out of the house, but she turns me down. I am a little lazy... always waiting until tomorrow to fix the situation. So night after night we sit on our computers... she plays games and i putz around with work or do random web surfing. Sprinkled in those seven years have been a fair amount of behavioral/emotional issues. I'm not perfect by any means, but my wife is unique in that she takes a fair amount of uppers and downers (all prescribed to her). I think she firmly believes in the power of pills to control her body and mind. To each their own... she does have problems she can't control, but it creates a lot of stress at times. I've taken up hobbies now and again... got into and out of wine tasting... lately I've been biking a lot, and trying to be more competitive. But I never get any support from my wife. Sometimes she'll even poke fun at me. I think it is mostly just her playing around, but still. There is a general unsupportive element in there too...dirty looks when I say I'll be gone biking more than an hour, etc. Outside of commuting to/from work, I don't even bike recreationally more than once a week, if that! Then there is this girl at work who I am friends with. If I wasn't married, I may have tried to make it more than that... but I have boundaries. I have had a little crush on her for more than a year. But again... I have boundaries so it is just a crush and it usually doesn't phase me. However, in the last week I have been moderately obsessed with her (sounds bad, I know). I don't know what it is... but I can summarize it as follows. She is the opposite of my wife. She is always smiling, very active, energetic, outgoing, etc, etc. We went with a few others to watch a bike race yesterday, and now she is trying to convince me to race. If her and I were together, she would not only support my biking... she'd be there right next to me. So I feel like I am checking out in my relationship... and at the same time I have these crazy feelings for this other person, and I'm getting all mixed up. I'm torn between trying to add the "spark" back in my marriage and just saying f--- it. Sometimes I even wish the other girl would tell me she likes me so that could give me a definitive shove in a certain direction. Until then... its just me always "waiting until tomorrow" to figure things out. I know I need to be the one to sort all this out, but are there any tips to help get me started? Thanks!
Bob54 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I feel your pain, Stringer. Going thru a very similar situation myself which has become a very interesting thread here at the LS as of late. You may want to read it and get a taste of what you might be in for: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t164808/ Hope your story has a happier ending than mine. Good luck!
Author StringerLives Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 Thanks for the post... I'll read that! One thing I should also mention. It isn't that everything is bad with my W, and i do love her. Its that I feel like I have been treated like crap for so long that I don't know how to put that behind us. Part of that is my fault for not dealing with it appropriately. I thought of something yesterday, which is why I made an example of it above. There is a difference in a W being supportive, and being there doing things with you. Biking is one thing... she'll never bike with me. But if I get out even more and start doing more without her (because I don't want to be a recluse)... that doesn't seem like a marriage anymore to me.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 You can't make any rational decision as to your marriage, or even work on your marriage for that matter, so long as there is a 3rd party in the picture. Remove the distraction, then make your choices. It should be: keep the wife or not keep the wife, NOT keep the wife or trade her in for a new model.
jmargel Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Reading and posting on here for the past five years has gave me alot of education when it comes to this. I've realized that under no circumstances should you leave your spouse for another. It's not fair to you, the spouse or the other person involved. Leave your spouse because you don't trust them anymore, because you realized that you two are too incompatible or because abuse is going on. I don't think your situation applies to this. I think you two have had miscommunication or even worse a lack of communication. You are seeking what you are missing from your wife and she is probably finding the same through other means. Have you two talked about marriage counseling? Although this other woman is probably a sweetheart and has good intentions, you don't truly know her. You don't know what she's like when she gets pissed, upset, PMSing, bad habits. You don't know a person until you invest alot of time into them. It's ok to have a crush, it's natural. However when you are mixing the problems you are having in your marriage with the infactuation of this other woman, then it becomes a problem. She's not a 'third party' in your marriage in the physical sense, but she is emotionally. You are thinking she must really care and have something for you because she supports your biking? I think your best bet right now is to write a letter to your wife, don't mention this other woman. In this letter tell her how you feel and what you want for the future with her. I would also suggest the marriage counseling. Communication is the foundation of a marriage and when that falls apart, then everything else does. The answers to your problems don't lie with this new woman. I'm not telling you what you should do, it's your life. However very often people who have the 'grass is greener on the other side' syndrom are left disappointed when they leap over that fence and step in a pile of dog poop.
Author StringerLives Posted October 29, 2008 Author Posted October 29, 2008 Thanks for the replies. I have been realizing that I need to forget about the OW... just don't want to accept it. I have a good working relationship with her, which is probably part of the problem. One other quick note... I don't think the OW "must really care and have something for you because she supports your biking." I just was saying if her and I had a relationship, in my *probably clouded judgment* she'd be there next to me.
jmargel Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Well you two have a common interest so good chance she would be for that. That doesn't mean she will be there in every other important aspect. This also works both ways. You can try to take an interest in what your wife does as well. When was the last time you two went out on a date?
Recommended Posts