padparadscha Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I need some advice. I never in my life thought I would ever look at a married man, yet I am. Situation: I was in a car accident, that caused me to sustain several injuries. I have been going to Physical Therapy 3 times a week since. The first day I walked into the office there was an instant connection between me and the therapist. I told him however, I might be back, I really wanted to go to another place for P.T. A week later due to unforseen pain, I was place in a situation where I had to return to that P.T office. The therapist teased me constantly reminding me how I made it clear I wanted to be someone where eles and therefore he should not treat me. We laughed so hard and had such a strong connection. After the fourth visit I learned he had a wife. I was crushed and stopped flirting. I tried to keep it very buisness like no matter how he flirted back. Still the connection was to strong to keep it buisness. Today I told him how my boyfriend of 6 years and I broke up because I found he was lying about living with his parents and instead he had moved in and had been living with another woman for 2 years. I told him how he fooled me and wanted to lead a double life with two women. This is when he confessed to me that his wife kicked him out of their home when he confronted her about cheating. They had been married for 8 months and dating for two. She was pretending her male friends were gay. Now I see why we have gotten along so well. I now have two questions: a. He has been thinking of moving to Canada. He is feeling like there is nothing here for him in America. I would hate to see him move. How do I show him I am interested in knowing him outside of PT without appearing like I am trying to get him to also cheat. I dont want him to do that, I would simply like to get to know him outside of PT. b. How do I keep him interested without making it into a love affair. I will never sleep with this man as long as he is married and I get the sense he might not wish to do this. It's about laughing and having good times. But I need advice on how to lead these feelings to a healthy courtship. c. Second, he's from Poland and his english although good, is not the greatest. I have a feeling his friends and colleagues might give him grief about any interest he is showing to an american black woman who is not catholic, Polish or capable of speaking Polish.
D-Lish Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Hmm, well first I'll state the obvious and caution you that he is in a position where flirting with attractive women comes with the job. Secondly, if he recently split, he may be looking to stroke his ego. I had this "connection" thing going on with a guy at a local starbucks'- I'd see and chat with him everyday. He'd say the most flirtatious things and give me long lingering looks when he saw me. It shocked me when I noticed one day he had a wedding ring on. I hadn't even entertained the idea because of how flirtatious he was with me! Anyway- I left it at that, remained friendly but distant. Last week I was in and surprise, surprise, he's cozying up to a young girl he manages behind the counter in very much the same way he used to with me... Bottom line is that- Even the best of us can be fooled by that sense of connection. Just be sure that he isn't a player or overly flirtatious. I'd bet he is aware you're interested- in which case if it were me, I'd wait for him to ask (let him chase a bit, ya know?).
Author padparadscha Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 Perhaps your right. I think being without someone in my life and going through all I am I need to be cautious. My ex keeps coming by begging for me to be his friend. He wants two women, he doesn't want to let her go. So I changed my number and cut him off best I could because I cant be what he wants. A part of me however is sad because I am alone. My bestfriend got married an moved to Italy and I have nobody in my life to talk with. So physical therapist who show me attention, can be a bit hard to resist. But your right! I know you are. I know the answer, yet, god knows I feel cheated for being all alone after so many years of being with someone.
D-Lish Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Perhaps your right. I think being without someone in my life and going through all I am I need to be cautious. My ex keeps coming by begging for me to be his friend. He wants two women, he doesn't want to let her go. So I changed my number and cut him off best I could because I cant be what he wants. A part of me however is sad because I am alone. My bestfriend got married an moved to Italy and I have nobody in my life to talk with. So physical therapist who show me attention, can be a bit hard to resist. But your right! I know you are. I know the answer, yet, god knows I feel cheated for being all alone after so many years of being with someone. Please don't think I am saying you're not "affection worthy" from the physical therapist! I am sure you are! Only to be cautious. My radar is still off since getting divorced 6 years ago! Take the flirting and enjoy it! Flirt like a rockstar whenever the opportunity comes up! It really is a part of feeling better and getting over someone. After a break up, it's good therapy to flirt. It's not to say he isn't interested, but it's always good to be cautious. You're vulnerable right now. I had my hopes up a little with the guy from Starbucks... so I was a little disappointed to see he was a married playah. Try and stay in no contact mode with the ex! It's so toxic to have him tugging at your heart strings like that.
Author padparadscha Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 You have no idea...He gives me a week before I recieve letters in the mail or notes on my car or on my door or a knock at my door saying he misses me. I am not that strong so I simply fall apart. I am a basket case full of tears and the pain starts all over. I want the ex out my life. Hes knows this, but he cant accept I dont want to be friends because he knows I love him. But for me its all or nothing and since I cant have it all I want nothing. He knows I am alone and wants to be there, but he's the cause of my lonliness. He's selfish and self centered, but I dont want any contact at all. He killed my spirit. So I guess the P.T was a welcome relief, but truth is, I never wanted to date a married man, I need to stop now, because I think I might be trying to move on to a more negative situation than the one I left. My confidence is so low right now. I think I am an easy target because men can smell my need:laugh:
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Oh, I'm so sorry! You poor thing. It feels good to be wanted, and that is what this man is giving you. Why not have fun with he flirtation, knowing that is all it is and all it ever will be? The situation sounds a little too complicated for you to get involved. I have an ongoing flirtation with someone. Sometimes I find myself fantasizing that there is more, but I must remind myself that there most likely isn't. When I put it into perspective, I enjoy the attention and if makes me feel better, since there really is no one special in my life right now. Stay away from that ex. You can only get over it if he is OUT of the picture.
Lizzie60 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Huh????? he's moving to Canada???? where??? where???? I have only one advice .. in order to forget him.. you need to go NC and I mean NO CONTACT at all!... Send him my way! I'll take care of him..
BannaBee57 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Sounds like a frustrating situation for you. He may just be a very friendly person and needed someone to listen when he wanted to talk about his wife or maybe he is attracted to you. The problem is that it would be very unethical for him to become involved with you romantically. Becoming involved with a current (and most of the time past) patient is cause for dismissal in most cases. At any rate I think I'd avoid getting close to him. The chances of you getting hurt in the long run are just too great.
Author padparadscha Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 Yes, flirting is fun. And it does seem to make you feel like your important to someone. Hell, injured and still appealing can be quite a confidence booster. Lizzy, your avatar is too cute:lmao:! Jesus, it is really awesome! I love it. ...To be honest I dont miss him, I miss the togetherness. I am glad I found out what he was doing because he would have continued doing that for years. I think it is best, because it forced me to realize I never wanted marriage or kids. Yet after this I now know I want marriage to the right person. Im glad this happend because I grew up and finally at the age of 35, I am ready to share my life with someone instead of wasting years with someone I am not into. That's my problem. I had three relationships. ONe for 11 years, one for 7 years and the final 5.5 years. I never wanted a relationship until now. So the break up was truly important to me.
Author padparadscha Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 He may just be a very friendly person and needed someone to listen when he wanted to talk about his wife or maybe he is attracted to you. He did say that I am teaching him how to say what's on his mind and therefore I am the easiest person to talk to right now. I am not a girly, girl. I tend to be less flirtatious and more of a pain-in-the-ass. My students say that I am worst than they are and they are right. So I am not very nice to him, and this causes him to be very sarcastic back to me. So we talk and laugh and play fight with words. I must however learn to be a girly girl. A flirt like lizzy's avatar (wink) because then maybe men would be attracted to me as a woman an not as a bestfriend. Then my ex would not leave dumb notes on my car and beg me to be his friend, because I am the bestfriend he ever had. I think Im tired of being a friend. I want to be a woman men find attractive. I am tired of being a friend with that ear for someone to listen to. That is how I lost my last two boyfriends and they ended up being life long friends. I am too much of a best friend and not enough of woman I think.
Lizzie60 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Then get a pair of red stilettos and pink undies.. It's hard to change.. we are who we are.. and people love us for who we are.. I don't know enough about you to give you any advice..
Author padparadscha Posted October 29, 2008 Author Posted October 29, 2008 I dont know enough about me. According to each of my ex-boyfriends who I am good friends with, I should have never in a million years went this last one because he had children by different women and was not even a partial custody parent to any of them. They told me I lost respect from them when I opted to date a man with no car and no drivers licence who was illegally driving. I got an ear full from them. Funny how the one you fall in love with is the one that is no good for you:bunny:.
dannydrifter Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Poor females get a little involved with a married man, and when they find out he is married they can't just end it. The way they shut the door on the ex, this is the way they should extinguish the idea of the MM. But nope. Here we are a dozen or so messages later, needing group therapy to move past this. But in the end she will just get involved with MM, like most of the ladies would in her shoes, and she will be even more devastated. Sigh.
Author padparadscha Posted October 30, 2008 Author Posted October 30, 2008 But in the end she will just get involved with MM, like most of the ladies would in her shoes, and she will be even more devastated. Sigh. Hahahahah you have a better chance of being right by saying "Poor dumb ass will probably wind up forgiving that lying sack of... who keeps chasing after her, not to let go of the other woman, but to keep her as an crutch." Then and only then could I say, "I hope I am not that weak, but your probably right." Married man syndrom is over. After reading these post, I made the choice to not get involved. When D-Lish posted that flirting comes with the job, I realized she is right. I dont purposely try to get into a complicated situation. I am a sucker for a poor soul, but not a sucker for a "player". So my questions were answered in this post. I agree with the advice and I am not going to get caught up in this. As a matter of fact, I just joined a dating service yesterday. I am going to give, "It's Just Lunch" a try. I need to get out and date, because its been years. I just need to date someone I know is availiable and seriously looking! I dont want to sit around daydreaming of my ex and the fact that I am not working due to this car accident is keeping my mind on my ex, because I have nothing pressing outside of Physical Therapy to do.
Recommended Posts