I don't know if I can make this decision..soon.

[marriedandsad]

BG: I am 26 and my husband is 23. We have a beautiful little boy who is almost 3. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks in 2004, another one last summer and another one this past July. This past July it was strongly recommended to me to get a tubal ligation. Dh and I desperately want another child. After my miscarriage I went off the deep end and attempted suicide. I have been in and out of psych wards ever since. I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (Got that one when I was 12 years old anyways, no big news there) and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. If I am not medicated, I keep attempting suicide, even if I seem to be fine. It's like a switch in my brain is broken. Suicide is a constant thought with me.

 

/bg

 

I have dreams, they are VERY hard to explain. People think I am crazy if I mention them, but they are very real for me. Usually they involve someone in my life who has passed away. Usually it's my grandmother. Or someone I THINK is my grandmother. Usually they are violent nightmares that I cannot come out of, and my husband wakes up to me thrashing and I end up with split lips and bloody noses and bruises because I am doing whatever it takes to get OUT of the nightmare. They are that bad. A year or 2 ago I had another dream with my grandmother. Only this time....it's hard to explain. But some things were said that I would never have anyway of knowing and my mother confirmed what I was told. And the dream was beautiful. The place we were at.....I can still feel the breeze that was gently blowing and smell my grandmother's perfume. We were outside at a camp, and I was so at peace...even now it brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. So ever since I have taken my dreams very very very seriously. After the nightmares I usually end up with a massive migraine, this dream, I was smiling for days.

 

I recently had a dream where I had another baby. A little boy. But my dh wasn't the father, I don't even know where dh was. It was a long convulted story. But I had another baby!!!! And he was beautiful. Now I am doubting getting the tubal done. I see the doctor this friday to schedule it for next week. Part of me is screaming that there IS another baby, then the other part of me is listening to all the doctors telling me to stop now, instead of going through the miscarriages over and over. I have to have d&c's with them because my body doesn't completely carry it out and I end up with infections.

 

Everyone around me is telling me to do it. Dh is telling me to do whatever I feel is best. The doctor is pushing for it. And only dh knows about the dream and even he is having his doubts knowing my track history with them. I keep thinking my mind is replaying it's doubts and hopes in a dream.

 

I think I should have it done on the rational side. The unrational hopeful part is screaming at me NOT to do it.

 

Any advice?

[quankanne]

a few questions:

 

• what kinds of meds are you on to control your psychological/chemical imbalances, and are they conducive to pregnancy?

 

• the doctors who keep pushing sterilization – your regular OB/Gyn, or a fertility specialist? A fertility specialist and a geneticist might be a good second/third opinion in your case, because they will give an even closer look-see to your specific case and your request to try again ... not sure how spendy that's going to get, though, with them being specialists, you know?

 

• is adoption an option? What about surrogacy?

 

as bad as things seem right now, with you hearing suggestions that are so definite and not what you want, I can see how it's messing with you emotionally. However, don't give up – just reassess what's going on and start considering all options (other doctors, other means of "having" a child) and really think it over. It might not go exactly the way you initially hoped, but the end result is the same: A rugrat to call your own.

 

stay strong, hon – an answer is out there, you just need to be persistent!

hugs,

q

[Ronni_W]

Have you considered just postponing the surgery for now...and possibly looking into getting some spiritual counseling before you reschedule it?

 

It is impossible to say whether or not that is your 'Higher Mind' urging you to reconsider the surgery...or if your dream was meant to be interpreted as more symbolic or more prophetic.

 

Your medical team may simply be looking at it very practically and objectively, and offering their best medical opinions as to what is in your best physical interest, so to speak.

 

But guidance for the part that includes your "Highest Good"...that's why a spiritual counselor came to mind. Perhaps someone who can help you access your 'Higher Mind' and help you gain clarity from that perspective.

 

It may turn out that the tubal ligation IS best for you, from all angles. But I would agree that it is best to explore all the 'messages' before, rather than after.

Sending Guidance and Support.

[marriedandsad]

I was on no medications for my last 2 miscarriages. My first one I was on the pill and missed one and ended up pregnant.

The medications I am on now are NOT okay to be pregnant with. Seroquel and Carbamazapine. I cannot go off of them.

I have the the advice of 2 different doctors. My favorite doctor doesn't normally push for tubals, but in my case, she REALLY thinks I should. I have HPV, and I have several lesions that keep popping up on my cervix. They checked for genetic issues and that isn't the case. It's uterine conditions. My favorite doctor will be the one doing the actual procedure.

 

I want to do foster care when my son is older and we have a house. I would LOVE to adopt at some point. My husband is very hesitant about adopting. Maybe that is where the baby came from in my dream....maybe that is why my dh wasn't the father because he was adopted!!!! I just could've sworn I was pregnant....but I don't remember giving birth in my dream.

 

Surrogacy is a no go. I just don't want to go through it....it's hard to explain, but seeing someone else grow with my child...feeling his/her first kicks and seeing and hearing all about it. It hurts me beyond words.

 

Thank you for all the advice I hope I can do this. I know that the day of I'll be in tears going into the OR.

[D-Lish]

Seroquel is a pretty powerful sleeping pill... I used to take it for my horrible insomnia, but had to stop because I couldn't get up in the mornings.

 

On a side note- I also experienced some really powerful, long lasting dreams. Probably because I was actually REM sleeping long enough to actually manifest a dream sleep.

 

My sis-in-law had one still birth and 2 miscarriages before having her first child- then another miscarriage before her second. I would get an opinion from a fertility specialist, it can't hurt.

[marriedandsad]

Seroquel is a pretty powerful sleeping pill... I used to take it for my horrible insomnia, but had to stop because I couldn't get up in the mornings.

 

On a side note- I also experienced some really powerful, long lasting dreams. Probably because I was actually REM sleeping long enough to actually manifest a dream sleep.

 

My sis-in-law had one still birth and 2 miscarriages before having her first child- then another miscarriage before her second. I would get an opinion from a fertility specialist, it can't hurt.

 

My nightmares are part of the reason they subscribed Seroquel LOL! They were saying I was having hallucinogenic nightmares that were brought on by mental instability. *sigh*. I've had had them ever since I can remember. For a long time I was taking soooo many sleeping pills at night just so I could sleep....I was terrified to go to sleep because of those nightmares.

[ed-205]

My mother had 7 miscarriages between my sister and myself. Needless to say, I'm glad she didn't give up, but that doesn't solve your dilemma. I would suggest that you continue seeking the advice of some specialists, mental, physical, and spiritual, before you make an irreversible commitment. I'm certainly no medical professional, but it seems to me that the medications you are taking are NOT something you want to be taking for the rest of your life, anyway.