I am stupid, ridiculous, and at my wit's end with myself

[armywife915]

I am so absolutely frustrated. I just don't know what to do anymore. My husband had recorded a show that was about the world's biggest strip club. The one's scheduled to be recorded are about fake boobs, pimps, and topless beaches. It is killing me.

 

I know, it's just a tv show. I am gorgeous and have nothing to worry about. However, it's making me so depressed I don't know what to do. Whenever I bring up my issues with my husband he gets mad. I try to explain to him the way I feel is uncontrollable. He is diagnosed with depression so you would think he would understand better.

 

I just don't know how to get him to understand. I feel like he knows this would hurt me so why would he even do it? I would never do anything to hurt him or provoke his depression. I feel like he isn't even trying to help me with these issues. I can't afford counseling so I need him to be patient with me and help me.

 

Ugh, I don't even know what I am asking on here. I guess I just needed to vent.

 

Tonight we have a concert to go to and I am going to be so miserable because it's going to eat me up inside all night........

[quankanne]

if you're a military dependent, the service has resources available to you, and I highly recommend you seek them out. Because all these feelings you're dealing with are going to make your brain implode.

 

this next suggestion isn't meant to cause any more hurt, but have you thought about what is truly a threat to your marriage and what you're turning into a mountain when it's not quite that? i.e., is it honestly worth your peace of mind getting yourself more and more upset about stupid behavior like him recording shows like this? I'm not saying that it isn't important, but on a scale of things that are truly destructive and things that aren't as destructive, need it rank so high when you're already so stressed out?

 

sometimes, for peace of mind, you need to be careful in picking your battles. You might hate the fact that he's doing this, but you need to weigh the importance of your hatred against your peace of mind. Otherwise, you're going to make yourself nuts.

 

just my two cents.

[jwi71]

Based solely on what you posted - yes, an over the top reaction in my eyes.

 

However, there is far more to this and you indicate as such.

 

Are you certain you don't feel threatened? Why does his taping lead to or exacerbate your depression(?)

 

I feel like he knows this would hurt me so why would he even do it?

 

Sit him down and talk. Directly. Openly. Tell him how it makes you feel and that doesn't sound like the case.

[armywife915]

I am not a military dependent; he is in the reserves. I know my reactions are over the top which is why I normally don't say anything. I know that he won't cheat on me so I do not feel threatened. I don't get jealous or insecure about real life women. It's all women on tv and movies...very weird right? I want to sit down and talk to him wholeheatredly but it's very hard with our work schedules. Plus, he just always gets mad and doesn't listen. It's like he thinks I am doing it on purpose just to be a b****. I don't want this to cause problems with us which is why I need him to help me get through.

 

Quakeanne...of course it's not worth it but like I said, it's uncontrollable.

 

I go from "I want boobs like that" to "I bet he wants me to have boobs like that" Just for example.

[Ronni_W]

I feel like he knows this would hurt me so why would he even do it?

From a totally different perspective, he can be saying to himself, "I feel like she knows I enjoy this cos it helps me feel less depressed...so why would she even want me to not tape/watch it?"

 

The way you feel is coming from your perceptions/thoughts/beliefs about this particular situation. Those ARE within one's personal power to manage once we learn how...to that end, cognitive therapy can be extremely effective. You can also explore those things on your own, but it is so much easier when you have a professional to guide you. (Hopefully you do qualify for the Service assistance that quankanne suggested.)

 

 

It sounds as if you have already set your temperament/demeanour for the evening. But, if you so desire, you can still do a bit of 'cognitive work' -- just make a new decision about how you want/expect the evening to go. Perhaps you'll find that you are peaceful and can enjoy the concert, after all.

[stampdaddy]

When is "Amateur Night"? Maybe you can go tear the roof off the joint and see how he would like that...

 

***just make sure you let me know the dates and I'll bring an entourage**

[jmargel]

If I was your husband, I would be thinking along the lines of being treated like a child. That he has these 'rules' to follow because of your insecurities. It's not right to put your insecurities onto him. Should he be a little more accomidating? Sure. However there is a right and wrong way for both of you to express your concerns.

 

As for these women that you compare yourself to. That's where the problem is. You are basing your own self-worth on looks. The more you do that, the more beautiful women that you notice the more depressed you get. As you get older, the looks will even fade away more, thus you see nothing but despair.

 

The issue is with your own self-image. Has nothing to do with these other women, and I can almost guarantee alot of those beautiful women have the same exact issues as you. A beautiful face does not make for a beautiful heart. And projecting your insecurities onto your husband will even distance you two even further apart.

 

I think when you come into these situations that make you uncomfortable, you need to take a step back and look at the big picture. You need to ask yourself, what is the WORST thing that can happen in this situation? What's the worst thing that can happen by your husband watching that show? Then maybe you can see that there really is no threat there.

 

Perhaps counseling might help you and help your husband get out of his depression. He's not depressed because of you, so don't take that responsibility on your shoulders. However, your insecurities should not be placed on his shoulders either.

[armywife915]

Wow thank you all so much. I actually had an ok night last night so that was good. I know my insecurities are within myself which is why I usually don't like to say anything to him. I have told him before that it has nothing to do with him, it's all in my head.

 

He is on medication and is doing so much better. I do agree that I need to go to counseling...we are waiting for a call about him getting a new job that has great benefits. *HOPE* I think I just get scared that he will think some girl is prettier then me and not love me anymore. It is such a childish way of thinking.

 

jmargel - I take your advice completely to heart. I am going to try to think every time now about what is the worst that can happen. I believe that will help me a lot.

 

I think I just get so bent out of shape because I look at women all the time and think about how hot they are so in my mind I think he probably does it too. However, us women usually do it to compare lol. That's what I need to stop doing. I make it worse for myself. I feel like I will never be good enough for myself. I just need to force myself to be more positive about it instead of focusing on the negative.

 

Someone suggested positive affirmations to me once. I feel funny standing in the mirror saying, "I am beautiful."

[Ronni_W]

I feel funny standing in the mirror saying, "I am beautiful."

Yeah...that one only works AFTER our self-confidence and esteem is already so high that we don't even need to be using positive affirmations anymore .

 

So...try something different:

Relax on bed or couch with your eyes closed, and say, "I am lovable and attractive exactly the way I am right now." Or even, "I'm probably more attractive than I think I am" ~~ just let it be something that leans towards the positive but that also doesn't feel like you're just BS'ing yourself.

 

Another good one is some version of, "My mind has the power to help me <overcome my insecurities> <whatever difficulty you're working with>" (or, "my subconscious mind" if that helps make it more believable/acceptable to your conscious mind.)

 

Relax and have fun with it. Best of luck.

 

EDIT: Oh! I just thought of something else that you may want to try -- you can self-learn it, and the basic instruction is free. Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) available from emofree.com (BONUS: you don't have to do it in front of a mirror if you don't want to <LOL>.)

[armywife915]

Thanks Ronni that all sounds like it may be helpfull. Problem is we have a roomate and it's hard to find time alone. I will make it happen though!!!!

[quankanne]

Someone suggested positive affirmations to me once. I feel funny standing in the mirror saying, "I am beautiful."

 

I'd have a hard time telling myself that, too ... kinda reeks of vanity, and it'd be an untruth!

 

however, something that has been the best thing I've done for myself? Believing that I'm really and truly an okay person, and that I'd want to be my friend if I met me out in the street/in public. Sounds cheesy, but once you learn to accept yourself (heck, even love yourself) for the unique and wonderful person you are simply because there's nobody else out there better at being you *than* you, it's a darn good feeling ...

[stampdaddy]

I still say you outta grab ahold of a dance pole and let loose... to the music "I am Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera... followed by "I'm too sexy" by Right Said Fred...

[quankanne]

nuh-uh .... "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" by The Police.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

A guy friend once told me, " Guys NEVER see another man and think... gee I wish I looked like him!" or " I wish I had his hair, abs, ect.." So true....

[armywife915]

I still say you outta grab ahold of a dance pole and let loose... to the music "I am Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera... followed by "I'm too sexy" by Right Said Fred...

 

 

Haha. I was thinking more along the lines of Warrant's "Cherry Pie."

 

Last night I did it all over again. I got myself all worked up over a tv show. Not in front of him of course. What is wrong with me?

[jasminetea]

You sound just like me! Over dramatising, exaggerating in your head when a teeny weeny little problem becomes 'ohmygodtheendoftheworldisnigh'?

 

Something Ronnie W suggested is helping me enormously - the power pause - http://www.richbits.com/RBArchives/45sRB_powerpause.htm

 

It's giving me the ability to stop my negative thought processes and change my state of mind. This means I can actually examine my thoughts and test how true they are. Needless to say, I'm able to discard those thoughts as fabrication and move on quicker. It takes practice, but it feels really nice, so its easy to do it. Even if it doesn't address everything you're going through, I hope that helps somewhat

[armywife915]

That sounds like something I could try.

 

I just don't know. I feel so distressed. I realize these are my issues and I am crazy sometimes. However, I also feel like he needs to be more sensitive to it. Seriously, why does he need to watch a show about who is easiest out of a straight, bi, or lesbian chick?

 

I see no hope for me sometimes....

[stampdaddy]

That sounds like something I could try.

 

I just don't know. I feel so distressed. I realize these are my issues and I am crazy sometimes. However, I also feel like he needs to be more sensitive to it. Seriously, why does he need to watch a show about who is easiest out of a straight, bi, or lesbian chick?

 

I see no hope for me sometimes....

 

would you like another BedTime story???

[LakesideDream]

I am not a military dependent; he is in the reserves. I know my reactions are over the top which is why I normally don't say anything. I know that he won't cheat on me so I do not feel threatened. I don't get jealous or insecure about real life women. It's all women on tv and movies...very weird right? I want to sit down and talk to him wholeheatredly but it's very hard with our work schedules. Plus, he just always gets mad and doesn't listen. It's like he thinks I am doing it on purpose just to be a b****. I don't want this to cause problems with us which is why I need him to help me get through.

 

Quakeanne...of course it's not worth it but like I said, it's uncontrollable.

 

I go from "I want boobs like that" to "I bet he wants me to have boobs like that" Just for example.

 

 

Army wife.. you are in a delicate situation. Your husband (age?) is probably not very mature. The combat oriented services (Marines, Army Infantry, and Armor) are not helping his maturation process. The training her receives specifically stresses unit coheshion and unit (team) bonding. They do not encourage marriage, or children as wives and kids are and always have been a distraction for combat soldiers.

 

You can expect that his time spent in his unit will be days/weeks/years that he doesen't mature emotionally.

 

My suggestion is to refuse to play into his silly behavior. Ignore the "boobie" Television show. Don't make a big deal about it. You might even tell him that knowing he thinks the behavior shown on turns you off sexually. And.. leave it at that.

 

Your husband is doing our country a great service. Part of the price he's paying is the retardation of his emotional growth. Service wives are special people. Thank you for trying to understanding situation and improve things before they get out of hand.

 

Semper Fi,