LostGirl1402 Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Hello - i'll apologise in advance for any mistakes i make - i'm new to all this. I met the love of my life in 1983, we were childhood sweethearts, just 16. We married in 1991 and after much heartache finally had our beautiful son in 1997. My family are all i've ever wanted, i never felt inclined to stray. I was content with my lot. In January 2007 i discovered that my husband had registered with a dating website for married people that wish to remain married but want to have affairs/relationships. On his profile he said that was "fast approaching 40 and trapped in a loveless marriage". Obviously i was devastated and confused, this seemed to come from nowhere. He says he never approached or was approached himself by anyone on the site. He doesn't know why he did it - he was curious. We split briefly (about 4 weeks) although we were living in the same house. We talked and decided to carry on with the relationship. Things initially were better than ever, i thought he'd overcome his crisis. However, (you knew that was coming), by mid July this year i had a feeling that things weren't right with us. He'd become distant and less loving. We had a disastrous holiday. When we returned i found an email to another woman (yes i was snooping). In it he was obviously arranging a meeting with her. He went on to say he was nervous about the meeting. She said she couldn't wait to see him. It seemed very "new" and flirty. I found this email on a Saturday at the end of August and he'd actually met her the day before. Leading up to this meeting he'd been complaining to me that he had to go and see this factory and really didn't want to go, when in actual fact he was arranging to see this woman. He told me that they had been friends for more than ten years through work (he has to speak to her on a regular basis although she doesn't work for his company). Apparently she'd come over to his workplace in the middle of July which is when the platonic friendship developed into flirting although he still can't tell me what this flirting entails. They'd made a few calls between them and then set up this meeting. He didn't need to go for work he actually booked half a days holiday to make the trip (about a 2 hour drive). He says he wasn't unfaithful to me (i think he means physically) although that's no consolation really. I feel destroyed that i'm not enough for him. We had a massive argument and i asked him to leave, we are renovating a house next door to us and he's gone there. He's been there about 8 weeks and things are still the same. He texts me a lot to tell me he still loves and cares for me. He sent me this tonight "I've not been unfaithful to you and never intended to and if you ever change your mind i'll be here. I will wait for the rest of my life for a chance with you" I can't get over the fact that it's over. My life feels empty and the future looks black. My lovely son is unhappy and confused. He wants us to be together, but i feel that this pattern will only continue and the right thing to do is to end it. I feel so low and unhappy. I don't know where to turn.
Geishawhelk Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 You've come to a good palce. You'll get a lot of support. The difficulty is that you need to maintain contact with him, if only for the sajke of the child you share. But otherwise, I personally think you should first of all get some practical help from a friend or relative, and seek legal advice. Speak to him on an emotional level as little as you can. This is all, of course assuming, that you do firmly believe your marriage to be over. Personally, I don't know what your husband thinks he's playing at, but whatever it is, he's not behaving at all nicely. He's lied to you, been highly disrespectful about your relationship, and as for going behind your back - well, that's an understatement. I personally think you are absolutely right to seek a separation. Whatever you decide, you have support here, if you need it. I'm sure others will post now.....
Author LostGirl1402 Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 Thanks for thinking about me. I have been to a solicitor when i first found out. I think she could see i was hurt and confused. She gave me a lot of practical advice and told me to have a think and come back. I did plan to do a half term at school and then go back during the break but i don't think i can face it yet. I just want things back to normal. But at the same time i don't...? Husband phones my son to pop round to the house, so i don't really need to have any contact with him. They arrange it between them.
Geishawhelk Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 It really isn't the end of the world, although right now it must feel like that.... Encourage your son to see his dad as much as possible, and nourish a good relationship between them. But also explain to your son, without going into detail, that you and his dad are just not working well together any more....and that it's ok. he won't be the only kid in his class with divorced/separated parents. I take it you've spoken to the school? They should be made aware of the situation in order to clarify your son's different attitude at school. This may well reflect in his work..... Tell him nothing about his father's indiscretions. I know it may sound bizarre - and tempting! - but this is not your place to tell him. It should come from his father, if he ever gets to asking. The hardest thing is actually setting the wheels in motion. Actually making it final. It's kind of a numb feeling when you realise it really IS over.... but you know - puerile as it sounds - Life DOES go on. I came out of a 22-year marriage, and have a new partner. so please don't think that because it all ends there, it all ends everywhere. It's the last thing on your mind right now. But every Winter ends and heralds Spring.
silent angel Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 "I've not been unfaithful to you and never intended to and if you ever change your mind i'll be here. I will wait for the rest of my life for a chance with you" You are going to hate me but I will tell you it from another perspective. I was the other woman, not here but in something very similar. I would say that the only reason he hasn't been unfaithful is that the chance hadn't came up yet. I was told how unhappy he was, his wife didn't understand, that I was the one he wanted. But I wasn't, neither was she. What he actually wanted was a life where he could do what he wanted without any redress. He wanted the excitement of sex in hotels, he wanted frilly lingerie, but he wanted to go home to his home cooked meals, taking his son to swimming lessons and playing happy families while according to him he was miserable. But wouldn't you know if your husband was miserable? He has gone back to his wife and they have their holidays abroad and he's promised her he's changed. but he wont because I discovered I wasn't the first. In fact I was number 9! So what I am trying to say is I think you have done the right thing. I think that what you dreaded (him sleeping with someone else) would have come true soon enough. He was only laying the ground work and in his mind he had already cheated. He had already thought what it would be like to date someone else. Rebuild your life, treasure your son and grow into the woman you can be. You'll be surprised. Oh it will hurt like hell and you will be terrified but you've already done the hardest part. Good luck.
Author LostGirl1402 Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 Yeah, I can see from a logical point of view that it's the right thing to do, but my heart is crying out to put things back to the way they were. I know if i gave him the slightest hint that he could come back he'd be here like a shot. He's also laying on a lot of pressure. He's been going on about how cold he is in the other house and asking to come round "for a cuddle". All i want to do is know the truth about what and why it happened. Another thing that's bugging me is Christmas. I can't even think about it. I'll be so glad when it's over. Been really down recently.
2sure Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Lostgirl... I just have a moment but wanted to pop in to tell you that I will follow your htread here, and offer support. I also am a BS, but all of our circumstances are different. It seems as though your H was bound and determined to have an affair, any affair , with someone. I am sure he loves you, why oh why , do they offer that up as though it will solve something. Keep posting. I have more to add, but have to run. You are not alone and have plenty of company.
PWSX3 Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 In my classes I am taking about divorce they say; if you meet the opposite sex in such a manner that you have time to talk intermittently then it is a date. If you just meet for coffee & chit chat about your life it is a date. Some people will disagree but there is that chance it can lead to other things. I had an affair with my stbxw 18 years ago. I am just now learning why or what caused me to do it. That other person is telling you things you feel you need to hear that you are not getting from your wife, you are getting that connection that you have lost with your spouse. You don't want to leave the comfort of what you have so sure he will tell you whatever to keep you happy while he is doing whatever he wants. I am also learning that it goes deeper then that, there is something you are missing in your own life that has drawn you to look somewhere else besides your marriage and until you get help it won't change, you might just look in different places. Even after the affair I told my W that I would never do that again, which I have not done, but I still would look at woman in such a way that bothered my W so even though you are not having "sex" it can still be an affair, she called it an emotional affair which hurts just as bad. I would suggest that "if" you decide to work things out that you start seeing a GOOD counselor and I wouldn't let him back into the house until he can prove that he is changing & that might take 6 months or a year. It is easy to hide those old habits & it is easier to go back to the old habits unless you fix what is causing those old habits.
Geishawhelk Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Yeah, I can see from a logical point of view that it's the right thing to do, but my heart is crying out to put things back to the way they were. Get this, and get this straight: Things will never, ever be "they way they were" again. You will never be able to erase this. I know if i gave him the slightest hint that he could come back he'd be here like a shot.[/quote] Sure he would! It's called "having your cake and eating it!" He's not stupid! He's also laying on a lot of pressure. He's been going on about how cold he is in the other house and asking to come round "for a cuddle". He's trying to insinuate himself back into your life, and sweet-talk you into doing something comforting. I bet he knows you love cuddles... If you liked having your feet rubbed, he'd say he misses having a foot-rub.... he's trying to find the chink in your armour.... All i want to do is know the truth about what and why it happened.[/QUOTE] Dream on. He'll never be able to fully explain it or justify it. And maybe, he'll even apportion part of the balme onto you..... Another thing that's bugging me is Christmas. I can't even think about it. I'll be so glad when it's over. Yep, it's terrible. Christmas is by far the most stressful and anxious time of the year. Try to make plans with family now, and make sure you're busy throughout the period. And don't tell him until you have to. Otherwise he'll pull the 'guilt/family together' thing. And that, right now, is the LAST thing you need. Come on - Get angry!!
Author LostGirl1402 Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 I'm trying to remain calm at the moment for my boy. He said today that this all feels like a dream and he wishes i could wake him up. It breaks my heart. I can't take away his pain. I feel as though i'm failing him, i'm his mum i should be protecting him. I have been getting all the guilt trip stuff from my husband. With it being halloween i ordered a pizza from my son and some of his friends that were round. I sent him round to his dad with what was left. He sent this text, "Thanks for the tea you're a life saver, i'm starving lost weight. I'm not giving up on the hope you'll forgive me one day i love you". I've been trying to think about making plans for Christmas but my heart's not in it. Everything about it reminds me of the way we were (i feel a song coming on!). I'm on autopilot at the moment, every morning breathe in, breathe out put one foot in front of the other..... Back at school on Monday (School Secretary) so hopefully will have some distraction (Ofsted hopefully!). Thanks for thinking about me. My friends are in touch lots but i know they must be getting sick of me moaning!
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