Author CaliGuy Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 I buckle and always call me ex back and text her back...I even intiate sometimes and settle for her minimal freindliness and her table scrap affection. I am going to stop this carnival ride and refuse to talk to her about anything. Thier is nothing to talk about anymore, and this has gone on too long. You can't expect them to respect you if you don't even respect yourself. You respect yourself by NOT accept tablescraps of their attention. All that does is boost their self-esteem and destroy yours. Not a win/win situation. Thank You Caliguy Day 1 of a new perspective. I can push through the new year. You're welcome. My question to you is why would you want someone in your life who doesn't want to be with you? That's how I see things with exs. They are exs for a reason and since they didn't want me in their life, I sure as heck don't want them in mine. Not in any way/shape/form.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 What exactly did your ex do when she left you? Sorry, I tried reading over your old posts but can't find the one that explains the situation, and I'm curious! It sounds like she did something totally crazy, and if thats the case, its really surprising shes being sooo bizzare.
Author CaliGuy Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 What exactly did your ex do when she left you? Sorry, I tried reading over your old posts but can't find the one that explains the situation, and I'm curious! It sounds like she did something totally crazy, and if thats the case, its really surprising shes being sooo bizzare. Cliff notes: 1. Was all over me in the beginning (told me she had a crush on me, we should get married, you're just like my dad, etc). 2. Constantly wanting my attention. 3. Said my age was never an issue. 4. Her parents, in the background, disapproved of her seeing me. (Due to my age) 5. One day, out of the blue, she tells me I am too old for her. No warning whatsoever. 6. Per #5, the reason was because she started dating another co-worker for almost a month while dating me but -- neglected to tell me so. Essentially she led me on, told me she wanted me marry me, etc and then just out of the blue, did a 180 and started dating someone else. No warning whatsoever (and I know when someone is pulling away). She lied, cheated and led me on. She took me for granted and, in spite of me telling her how I felt, said she didn't believe me at the time (she says she does now and I simply said "Oh well, too late for that!"). I could post the context of our conversation today but suffice to say she wants my friendship and I told her to "beat it..." lol. I don't want or need friends like her in my life. I've had enemies that have treated me better than she did. I don't need her or her crap in my life.
Yamaha Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 I went through a similar experience in that she also said she valued my friendship even though she was with another guy. She also used me and disrespected me. I told her the friendship was just a word to her and that I would never treat a friend I cared about like she did. We have to stick up for our selves and don't accept friendship from someone that doesn't value you as a friend. If they feel guilty that is their problem. To accept bad behavior is accepting it was ok to be treated bad.
Author CaliGuy Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 I went through a similar experience in that she also said she valued my friendship even though she was with another guy. She also used me and disrespected me. I told her the friendship was just a word to her and that I would never treat a friend I cared about like she did. We have to stick up for our selves and don't accept friendship from someone that doesn't value you as a friend. If they feel guilty that is their problem. To accept bad behavior is accepting it was ok to be treated bad. Agreed, Yamaha. I mean, who the h*ll does she think she is that she can take advantage of people, treat them like second rate garbage and just expect to waltz back into their lives whenever they want??? If I were in her shoes, I would be apologizing. She STILL hasn't apologized nor does she acknowledge any of her actions. She thinks she has done nothing wrong. I don't understand how someone can be so oblivious to their behavior. The audacity of her is mind-numbing! I would never, ever expect someone to just accept me with open arms if I treated them that way. And if I had and wanted them back in my life, I would at least apologize profusely and do something in earnest to regain their trust. I certainly would not just meander up to them and think they'd be happy to see me. And to be honest, that is exactly what she expected. What gall!
Sysyphus28 Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 My ex is oblivious to pain she caused. She has taken no responsibility. She has not apoligized. She has acted like she has done nothing wrong. It really is amazing. LC with her and "hanging out" with her once was NOT a good idea. It sucked actually. I have been demoted to a freind, and instead of mentally saying F-you. I have said..........this is ok. I will settle for your leftover consideration and attention. I have a date tonight. I am going to try and focus on different people and people who have not F-ed me over like she did. I feel so stupid for not staying NC. I should have listened. NC again day 1. I have a new perspective toward this half-a** friendship. Who wants to be friends with an EX who trashed us. logic v.s. the heart Logic wins!
Yamaha Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 My take is that things are not going so well with the new guy so she is trying to keep you around as a back up. If she was happy with him she wouldn't worry about being your friend.
Author CaliGuy Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 My take is that things are not going so well with the new guy so she is trying to keep you around as a back up. If she was happy with him she wouldn't worry about being your friend. Somewhere in the quagmire of the crap she IM'd me today she hinted at that. But then several times she re-iterated "I want a friendship with you...". Each time I responded the say way: "We aren't going to have a friendship!" I made it painstakingly clear that her behavior was unacceptable to me and that under no circumstances was I going to just let her weasel her way back into my life. I did that once and kept me down and out for a very long time. I think it's rather selfish of the ones "we" dump to expect to have both a friendship with them a new love interest in our life. Sometimes you can't have the cake and eat it too, not at the expense of someone else's feelings. That's just bullchips!
2sunny Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 speaking of others in our lives... CG, did you meet up with the new gal yet this week? if so, how did it go?
HighPlainsDrifter Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Hey Caliguy, Just want you to know that I get a lot of strength through your posts. Stories like this give me the ability to stick to my NC even when I want to cave (Beyatch texted me again this morning). Stay tough Holmes! You've made me stick to what I should be doing, instead of doing what I want to do. It's better for me in the long run. THANX and keep it going!
Trialbyfire Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 No one deserves to be back in anyone's life. That's your personal choice. Realistically speaking, any exes feelings don't matter. Each person has to take care of themselves once the relationship has dissolved, particularly in a situation of cheating. Sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind. She's 22 and insecure. These are her issues. You don't need to accommodate for her loss. Once you've both moved onto indifference, perhaps there's a possibility of friendship. Perhaps not. It's purely your choice and no one can or should push or guilt you into one.
Author CaliGuy Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 speaking of others in our lives... CG, did you meet up with the new gal yet this week? if so, how did it go? We're going out to dinner tonight Hey Caliguy, Just want you to know that I get a lot of strength through your posts. Stories like this give me the ability to stick to my NC even when I want to cave (Beyatch texted me again this morning). Stay tough Holmes! You've made me stick to what I should be doing, instead of doing what I want to do. It's better for me in the long run. THANX and keep it going! You're welcome. No one deserves to be back in anyone's life. That's your personal choice. Realistically speaking, any exes feelings don't matter. Each person has to take care of themselves once the relationship has dissolved, particularly in a situation of cheating. Sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind. She's 22 and insecure. These are her issues. You don't need to accommodate for her loss. Once you've both moved onto indifference, perhaps there's a possibility of friendship. Perhaps not. It's purely your choice and no one can or should push or guilt you into one. I personally believe that if you'll take someone for granted and use them once, odds are you'll do it again. After all, the only sure indicator of future behavior is *past* behavior. I just don't see what being friends would accomplish other than rewarding someone for treating you badly. Especially when they're acting oblivious to everything, as if they did nothing wrong whatsoever. Maybe I am just hell bent on teaching her a lesson. One that may not benefit me in any way, but will benefit her in the long run. Don't take advantage of people and don't treat them like crap if you really want then in your life. Cheers.
2sunny Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 We're going out to dinner tonight good luck and have fun... let us know how it goes!
orangehose Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 I think you handled the situation perfectly, Caliguy. Compassionately, yet not compromising your own interests. I also think you're entitled to enjoy a bit of a satisfaction at this turn of events, given how she treated you at the end (cheating ex). If only my ex would contact me for friendship in some way, and then I could thoroughly trash him. But alas, male dumpers aren't into post-breakup friendships; that seems to be a distinctly female phenomenon.
Author CaliGuy Posted November 7, 2008 Author Posted November 7, 2008 good luck and have fun... let us know how it goes! Meh, lol. She just called to reschedule. Said she wasn't feeling well. Not a good sign but meh, at least I am not attached.
Author CaliGuy Posted November 7, 2008 Author Posted November 7, 2008 I think you handled the situation perfectly, Caliguy. Compassionately, yet not compromising your own interests. I also think you're entitled to enjoy a bit of a satisfaction at this turn of events, given how she treated you at the end (cheating ex). If only my ex would contact me for friendship in some way, and then I could thoroughly trash him. But alas, male dumpers aren't into post-breakup friendships; that seems to be a distinctly female phenomenon. Heh. She hated the part where I told her to "beat it!" lol. That was classic.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 Well Caliguy, I'm glad you can get some chagrin out of your ex's crazy actions. I'm actually shocked shes so immature as to keep bothering you! Please keep posting feel good stories, or stories of like, being strong and not getting trampled. They're quite empowering!
Author CaliGuy Posted November 7, 2008 Author Posted November 7, 2008 Well Caliguy, I'm glad you can get some chagrin out of your ex's crazy actions. I'm actually shocked shes so immature as to keep bothering you! Please keep posting feel good stories, or stories of like, being strong and not getting trampled. They're quite empowering! Well one good story (the ex from work) and one canceled dinner (her idea to go, btw!) so we'll see what happens. I'm not too worried about either. The ex from work can get bent as far as I am concerned.
Author CaliGuy Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 Just an update. To show you how NUTS the ex is, I hear from co-workers that she's been going around telling the following story: That she came to me for a work related reason (not true) and that I started hammering her and asking her questions and begging for HER friendship. (also not true!). I have the trump card. I have the initial IM she sent me at work. I saved it just in case this escalates I can take it to her boss. In fact, I let my boss know what was going on today. He said "If you hear more about her talking personal stuff about you at work, let me know and I will go to her boss with your IM conversation." My boss is cool!!! Really. How freaking immature is that? She d*mn well knows I wanted nothing to do with her and now she's running around telling everyone that *I* want *HER* friendship. *bangs head on desk*
Art_Critic Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 CG.. there is a reason why you never.. and I repeat never date someone from work.. You are about to figure out why This is going to escalate...
Author CaliGuy Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 CG.. there is a reason why you never.. and I repeat never date someone from work.. You are about to figure out why This is going to escalate... Well I learned the hard way. It's fine if it escalates. I've already spoken to my boss about it and I have the transcript from our conversation that proves, after I told her I didn't want to talk her, she kept egging me on begging me to be her friend. My boss agreed it's within my rights to not have a personal relationship with her at work and that if it's business related I should be polite (which I have been in the only business related interaction we've had). Again, I am not worried about this escalating. I just want to do my job and not be bothered by her and her 'drive bys' and trying to manipulate me into being her friend....
whichwayisup Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 She can't manipulate you if you don't allow her to. Any update on the other chicky?
Author CaliGuy Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 She can't manipulate you if you don't allow her to. Nope. Ever since I told her to "beat it" she hasn't done any of her drive bys. It's very nice, actually Any update on the other chicky? Nope. This one's gone cold. I personally think she's trying to work things out with her ex, at least, that's my speculation. I am not chasing though. If she wants to hang out she's going to have to make the effort. I've done my part. I'm going on vacation Thursday for 10 days so I won't see her at the gym (nor will I be on LS while I am gone). If the "other chicky" is interested, she'll contact me. Otherwise as I said before, I'm hanging out and doing my thing. I'm not surprised she's gone cold. But at the same time, I also made it clear when we had our first discussion that I wasn't going to be a rebound thing. Maybe she found someone else to fill the void? Probably a bad choice of words too
Author CaliGuy Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 Bah! Came home from 2 weeks of vacation and in my mailbox was a message from the "drive by" ex. She just won't quit bothering me. I'm not sure what else to do here but block her. I've told her 1000 times to go away (well, I actually told her to "beat it" lol). I guess I'm just venting a tad here. She's saying the same things she said 3 weeks ago and I'm still sitting in the same position and that's not wanting anything to do with her. On the plus side, I did have a great vacation and did end up meeting with my first love/girlfriend ever. That was sooooo cool! That's another story in and of itself that I could post here. Maybe another time?
HighPlainsDrifter Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Bah! Came home from 2 weeks of vacation and in my mailbox was a message from the "drive by" ex. She just won't quit bothering me. I'm not sure what else to do here but block her. I've told her 1000 times to go away (well, I actually told her to "beat it" lol). I guess I'm just venting a tad here. She's saying the same things she said 3 weeks ago and I'm still sitting in the same position and that's not wanting anything to do with her. On the plus side, I did have a great vacation and did end up meeting with my first love/girlfriend ever. That was sooooo cool! That's another story in and of itself that I could post here. Maybe another time? Hey Cali, Sounds like she's sure as hell missing you. Obviously you've been on her mind and the "wanting something you can't have" is driving her freakin loopy! That's got to feel a little bit good though. The power has shifted back to you by her constant contact and your brush offs. From what you have said though, you're better off without her. It's better to get people who screw you over out of your life. You know the drill! Sounds like you enjoyed seeing your first/love ever on your vaca. That one must have ended much better than this last one. Glad to hear your vacation went well and welcome back home!
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