loridori Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I have a problem with my husband of 9 years. He's a computer nerd(he works in the field) and yes he does support his family well, but his nerdy ways have been getting on my nerves. He walks like a sissy, has gone bald despite my 12 month supply of rogaine i purchased for him several christmases ago that he did not use, and is not very social. It was ok in the beginning but he appears to have never grown up and I don't feel secure with a sissy any longer. No, I cannot leave him because I am a full-time parent raising our 3 children, but I would like some pointers on how to create more of a man out of him. TY!
JamesM Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Sadly, he has a problem with you, but I wonder if he realizes it. Why cannot you accept him for who he is? Men go bald. And BTW Rogaine does not always work real well for bringing back hair. The point is....he is who he is. You are who you are. Love goes much deeper than lucks if it is true love. IMO, your "problem" is greater than "husband is a sissy." You have no respect for him. And if he did everything you asked, I doubt you would still have more respect, because then you would feel that he is still a wimp because he did not stand up to you. I suggest marriage counseling...not Rogaine.
quankanne Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 maybe he's not so much a sissy as you are ___________? Fill in the blank with any noun of your choice that is opposite of sissy ... the problem may not be so much him as it is your outlook on things.
Zolar Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 If you have lost respect for him, maybe it's time to let him go. In American culture, if men don't act like pigs they're considered girly or gay. If you bought into that, maybe it's time to dump this guy and go get yourself a lumberjack or someone who meets your standards of manliness. Meanwhile, there are lots of women who don't like knuckle-dragging cretins. Your hubby deserves someone who appreciates him. My husband is a "sissy" by lots of people's standards - he is small, thin, neat, dresses well, is always perfectly groomed even when he's casual, and he smells nice. He doesn't act or walk like a neanderthal and he is soft-spoken. I have had people tell me that they think he's gay. Just because a guy doesn't act like a creep and doesn't smell like a goat, doesn't mean he's gay. And, I can't tell you how little I think of other me who insist to me that he's gay (usually while trying to pick me up). Anyway, I adore him. I like the way extends his little pinky when he drinks. I like being with someone civilized who shows a little class.
Geishawhelk Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I have a problem with my husband of 9 years. He's a computer nerd(he works in the field) and yes he does support his family well, but his nerdy ways have been getting on my nerves. Well, I hate to play devils advocate, but I'm afraid i know exactly what loridori means... My ex was an office Products technician for a very well known company (think 'Hal' in 2001 - a space odyssey....? ) and progressed up the ladder to senior systems consultant in a matter of 5 to 6 years.... When i first met him, he was obviously a tecchie, and a bit anal about it, but ok, he was fun, had a good SOH and knew how to let his hair down. As the job progressed, and he took on a more technology-Computing oriented role, he became more and more 'narrow'.... his dress sense stayed exactly the same for nearly 20 years, and frankly, he remained stuck in a rut....he became more and more boring, set in his ways, and lost his sense of humour.... I don't know if it comes with the territory, but his colleagues were the same.... during company occasions, it was amazing how many of the wives complained of how boring their husbands were!!
whichwayisup Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 What are you doing to spice things up? Have you talked to him about how you feel? Have you tried to reconnect with him by dropping the kids off at their grandparents house for a weekend, so you two can go away somewhere? Have a romantic time together? He is bald, accept that. Anyway, you have 3 kids to think about, so maybe it's time to seek some marriage counselling.
quankanne Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 (he's) neat, dresses well, is always perfectly groomed even when he's casual, and he smells nice. zolar, you wanna bring your fella around sometime to give mine pointers? I love my husband to death, but he often gets stuck in hillbilly mode – to a point where I avoid hugs because he's just too stinky
redfathom Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I am going to get shot for saying this (generalizing). Since you are a SAHM with three kids, I very much doubt you are all that interesting to him (a career guy). Who do you want him to socialize with exactly? Maybe he is boring because you don't understand tech talk?
tanbark813 Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Make him watch Rocky and punch him at random times.
Kenyth Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Men marry expecting things to stay the same, and are disappointed when they change. Women marry expecting things to change, and are disappointed when they stay the same. Men are not fixer uppers and women change after marriage. If everyone would understand this, the divorce rate would probably plummet. I've got an idea. Why don't you both get a gym membership and lift weights together? Maybe get involved in a gun club or do some martial arts together? That will infuse some good old american testosterone into things! It's not the job, it's just his personality. It may change a little if you pressure it, but it's not likely to change much. Try acceptance and communication of your expectations.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Men marry expecting things to stay the same, and are disappointed when they change. Women marry expecting things to change, and are disappointed when they stay the same. Men are not fixer uppers and women change after marriage. If everyone would understand this, the divorce rate would probably plummet. I agree. Loridori, I'm going to assume that during your dating and courtship he didn't wear steel-toed boots, drink Boilermakers and attend mixed martial arts matches. So why was he OK then - and in fact marriage material - and not OK now ??? Has he changed? Mr. Lucky
michelangelo Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Let me get this straight. He supports his family, treats you well, is good to his kids, but he went bald and isn't obnoxious to you. You're right. You and he should part. He deserves a woman that respects him. Calling your husband a sissy for being an honorable husband and father? Wow. That says so much about YOU.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I have a problem with my husband of 9 years. He's a computer nerd(he works in the field) and yes he does support his family well, but his nerdy ways have been getting on my nerves. He walks like a sissy, has gone bald despite my 12 month supply of rogaine i purchased for him several christmases ago that he did not use, and is not very social. It was ok in the beginning but he appears to have never grown up and I don't feel secure with a sissy any longer. No, I cannot leave him because I am a full-time parent raising our 3 children, but I would like some pointers on how to create more of a man out of him. TY! If thoughts of leaving him are in your mind, why do you care about making a man out of him? Maybe he can go get a hair transplant, start working out. Then if he's smart, he'll leave you.
XNemesisX Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Wow...some of you act as though you know all about her relationship from just a paragraph enough to make such hard judgments about her. I know the misery and loneliness of being with someone that bores you to tears. It is a very, very lonely existence. I'm just wondering was he always like this? The OP deserves to be happy. It's possible the passion is gone and she's no longer in love with him. He may be taking her for granted thinking she's always going to be around.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Wow...some of you act as though you know all about her relationship from just a paragraph enough to make such hard judgments about her. Well lets see. Looks like his worst crime is being a computer geek and he is going bald, and she has thought about leaving him. Says it all to me. I know the misery and loneliness of being with someone that bores you to tears. It is a very, very lonely existence. So you let that person go, since they obviously don't deserve to be seen in that kind of light and treated in a similar manner. It's possible the passion is gone and she's no longer in love with him. Of course the passion and love is gone. he lost his hair:rolleyes:
michelangelo Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I'm just wondering was he always like this? The OP deserves to be happy. It's possible the passion is gone and she's no longer in love with him. He may be taking her for granted thinking she's always going to be around. Sure, she deserves to be happy, but she bases her disrespect of her husband on some pretty strange reasoning. 1. He won't use rogain, goes bald. bad man. 2. makes a living using a computer. wimp! What if it were a man writing saying he wanted his wife to get a boob job because the girls need a lift and could be bigger like, you know, a real woman? Or what if a man wrote of how masculine his wife is because she works as a firefighter? What it comes down to is that she is picking at what her husband is because she is bored and wants an excuse for doing something selfish or divorcing. I, of course, could be wrong.
CaliGuy Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I have a problem with my husband of 9 years. He's a computer nerd(he works in the field) and yes he does support his family well, but his nerdy ways have been getting on my nerves. He walks like a sissy, has gone bald despite my 12 month supply of rogaine i purchased for him several christmases ago that he did not use, and is not very social. It was ok in the beginning but he appears to have never grown up and I don't feel secure with a sissy any longer. No, I cannot leave him because I am a full-time parent raising our 3 children, but I would like some pointers on how to create more of a man out of him. TY! No More Mr Nice Guy (Glover). Get it for him and tell him if he doesn't read it, no sex
Ruby Slippers Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 He was like this when you met him, yes? And now you want him to change. Not going to happen. Accept him or move on. I would suggest doing some new and novel things together to bring out different facets of his personality. I am somewhat drawn to SLIGHTLY nerdy guys (I always have this idea that there's a bubbling inferno of passion under the modest exterior, and I want to bring it out ), but I love science and love to talk about it. Do you have any interest in pop physics? Try reading something like A Brief History of Time and having a discussion with him about it. You might unleash some crazy fun part of him. It worked for me with the one non-musician boyfriend I had, an aerospace engineer. Of course, I never found him boring. But nothing lit him up like a Christmas tree more than talking shop with him.
You'reasian Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Or what if a man wrote of how masculine his wife is because she works as a firefighter? Man, I've met some women in those kinds of careers that are hella fun!
CaliGuy Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Sure, she deserves to be happy, but she bases her disrespect of her husband on some pretty strange reasoning. 1. He won't use rogain, goes bald. bad man. 2. makes a living using a computer. wimp! What if it were a man writing saying he wanted his wife to get a boob job because the girls need a lift and could be bigger like, you know, a real woman? Or what if a man wrote of how masculine his wife is because she works as a firefighter? What it comes down to is that she is picking at what her husband is because she is bored and wants an excuse for doing something selfish or divorcing. I, of course, could be wrong. If the situation was turned around, eg: "My wife has gotten fat after having three kids and doesn't do the dishes. I want a divorce!!!" …a man would be crucified for saying such nonsense. She needs to simply give him the book I suggested and sit him down and tell him what's bothering her. Also, there's no guarantee using Rogain would have stopped the hair loss. Maybe he's just OK with being bald? There's nothing wrong with that.
You'reasian Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I have a problem with my husband of 9 years. He's a computer nerd(he works in the field) and yes he does support his family well, but his nerdy ways have been getting on my nerves. He walks like a sissy, has gone bald despite my 12 month supply of rogaine i purchased for him several christmases ago that he did not use, and is not very social. It was ok in the beginning but he appears to have never grown up and I don't feel secure with a sissy any longer. No, I cannot leave him because I am a full-time parent raising our 3 children, but I would like some pointers on how to create more of a man out of him. TY! Did you guys ever appear on Jerry Springer? What channel does that come on again??
Lookingforward Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I have a problem with my husband of 9 years. He's a computer nerd(he works in the field) and yes he does support his family well, but his nerdy ways have been getting on my nerves. He walks like a sissy, has gone bald despite my 12 month supply of rogaine i purchased for him several christmases ago that he did not use, and is not very social. It was ok in the beginning but he appears to have never grown up and I don't feel secure with a sissy any longer. No, I cannot leave him because I am a full-time parent raising our 3 children, but I would like some pointers on how to create more of a man out of him. TY! Keep this attitude up and sooner or later someone will come along that finds him adorable just the way he IS.
Reggie Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Please, tell me this is a joke. No one can be that unevolved, insensitive or superficial. Well, there is my ex, of course.
carhill Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Without reading the interceding posts, my instinct is that your path is one of acceptance. Accepting someone is a basic part of any relationship. His intrinsic personality (and his genetic predisposition to lose his hair) are not likely to change. He can change some behaviors if he wants to. If you can't accept him, divorce him. You both deserve better. My wife often said in MC that she wishes I were a "normal" guy. This is where I learned about acceptance
Recommended Posts