Amybeth Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 The story... My husband & I were married for 19 years (2 kids) when I found out he had an affair for the last 5 yrs. I caught him by emails that she sent so it ended. He told her I found out and that it was over between them. The reason he had the affair according to him was that I was having feminine issues (infections) and he felt he could not and was not getting enough sex. The truth is there were issues on both sides - I was shutting down to him sexually due to lack of romance, being tired from the kids and work and also he can tend to be obsessive compulsive resulting in being short tempered & having outbursts of frustration, but yes there also were many infections that resulted in pain or avoidance of sex. Generally he is a good guy and we were very much in love at the beginning (before kids) but then all the demands of life & stress changed things. Sex decreased and he sought this woman out. He knows her from his work (different office). He actually picked her - he said because she was older and had no kids at home (and would not want more), she was financially independent, and she was not married - in the end he thought this kind of affair would have less complications. He broke up with her for about a year but my "feminine issues" were not clearing up so he got back together with her. He supposedly tried a couple of other times to break up with her but then she threatened to tell me and other people in his office. She had fallen in love with him. During the time he broke up with her he had slept with 2 other women like 1x or 2x each. He tells me it was only about sex for him and he was always hoping that I would get better and my "feminine issues" would get better. My finding out about the affair was about 6 months ago. Since I found out we have been in marriage counseling up until stopping last week. He left his job and has not seen or spoken to her for many months since. I know this to be a fact as together we wrote her an email that said he will no longer be responding to her and I was checking his emails and he had to promise to show me any and all of her messages. Her messages were coming in a steady stream for a while and I knew from them that she was angry that he was not responding and was ignoring her. Anyway - here is my question. Why did it really happen in the first place? Sometimes I wonder if this is my signal to get out of the marriage. Before the affair I had some concerns as he is not as communicative as me, can get angry / impatient easily and is not as affectionate as I would like. The sexual changes in our marriage (infections or not) I believe were due to my frustrations for romance & patience, being busy/tired with our kids and his genuine anger and resentment to me that the affair directly caused while he was in the middle of it. Don't get me wrong she was an attractive older woman but also got bizarro as she was so into him despite him never seeing her for holidays, weekend nights etc... I am also being tortured by the memories of all that I found out about the affair, the lies and the horrible betrayal that went on a couple times a week for so long. In some ways I would want to put it all behind me - start a new relationship with my own excitement. It is not easy to get over this and put it behind me but we do have 2 teenagers, a home and shared finances, families, memories etc... Any advice???? PLEASE??
quankanne Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I found out he had an affair for the last 5 yrs … During the time he broke up with her he had slept with 2 other women like 1x or 2x each. He tells me it was only about sex for him and he was always hoping that I would get better and my "feminine issues" would get better. hate to make you feel worse, but when you ask why this happened in the first place, after posting the above statements, it's clear to me that your husband is an affair waiting to happen, and justifies his decisions by blaming your health. A good, respectful and loving mate would have found another way that didn't involve straying from the marriage bed to resolve the issues. At least in my way of thinking, this is what would happen ... it's time to get thee to marriage counseling to try to heal the relationship, and hopefully help him to realize that you don't bail out just because you don't feel like you're getting enough sex ...
2sure Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Amy, An affair can, to me anyway, be something that a marriage can overcome. Only you and your spouse together can decide if you want to overcome it. That includes figuring out why it happened in the first place. Since you both went to MC you probably know you have to do this together. It sounds like you have ID'd some of the reasons - still, I would have to say I don't like the way you are the victim and also made out to be the cause of the infidelity. That isnt right Amy. Your H's impatience and temper are probably going to be a problem on the road to recovery which is long and requires a lot of patience for both. Just the redundancy of talking about it was almost enough break up my marriage. But one thing good, to me again, is that your H does not sound as if was very emotionally involved with OW. She sounded very convenient to him, but it seems as though his heart has stayed with you. Some will say, and maybe you will decide, that it isnt enough ...but it is, at least, something to START with. You will read a lot here, and it will help you. Let me point out one thing that has to happen right away, with NO room for arguement. Until together you have recreated the security marriage requires: He has NO privacy regarding cell phones, email, credit card bills etc. This is called being the marriage police and it is only a TEMPORARY band aid until you can (together) find a way to address the REAL problems.
Owl Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Anyway - here is my question. Why did it really happen in the first place? The only person who COULD answer this is your husband. But, the reality is that he probably has no better notion at this point than you do. He's had five years to mentally justify/rationalize/blur the lines in his own mind...and probably has done just that. The truth is...this is one of the questions that you'll probably never have an answer that you're comfortable with. Most of us BS's never do get a clear understanding of this, no matter how hard we try. What we eventually learn is how to deal WITHOUT that question being answered to our satisfaction...as long as our marriages are healed and recovered to a point where we can once again begin to rebuild that trust in our spouse. Don't get me wrong...you may get answers as to issues that contributed to the choice, thought processes that might have been going on...but the final choice to have the affair, and the ultimate "WHY" behind it will likely never make any kind of rational sense to you. Instead...try to turn your focus on healing yourself and your marriage.
JustBreathe Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 How long did you have these infections? Condoms can cause infections in women who are sensitive to them. Sometimes women are allergic or sensitive to the chemicals and/or lubricants in condoms. If your husband was screwing around and wearing condoms, you might think about whether it was his condoms that caused your infections. Just a thought. I don't know anything about the kind of infections you had or what chemicals are in condoms, etc., or whether this was the cause or anything. Just something I heard.
Author Amybeth Posted October 29, 2008 Author Posted October 29, 2008 Thank you so much for your responses. I needed a place like this where everyone has had this sort of thing happen and really gets it ! The pain is intense sometimes and the roller coaster ride is not fun - I did not even choose to get on this ride. My H made the choice of having the affair! I am now realizing that since he wants to stay and keep things together - I want what I want ! I want him to finally address the issues we had before the affair. He never wanted to before the affair in marriage counseling and now he will have to if he wants me to stay around. This affair was the icing on the cake! I can end things now if I choose to. There are several issues we see things very differently. He is short tempered, obsessive about things around the house and not very communicative. In some ways my fantasy would be to start over and find a person who is more easy going !! We went to MC for 6 mons after the affair but NEVER really got into any issue other than the affair (which was enough to deal with). Question is - How do you know if it is time to start over with someone new? Any advise is hugely appreciate !!
misternoname Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Why? Isn't that the $64,000 question! I still don't have a clear understanding as to why my wife cheated. Her therapist thinks it goes back to her troubled childhood. Her dad died at an early age. The theory is that she's been seeking a "father figure" to take his place...make her feel wanted, etc. Comes across to me as psycho babble to simply justify her behavior. Could it be as simple as some people just live for the moment and do whatever pleases them at the time being with no regard for the aftermath? Narcicists? I'm of the opinion that the world is full of those that cheat and those that don't. Period dot!
badhubby Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Hi, me and my wife are going through the same thing "Kind of". I cheated on my wife even though I never wanted to be with anyone else. He may have felt that way. Did he try and talk to you about his feelings? I always tried to talk to my wife about how I was feeling about things. Most men don't have the stamina to continue telling our significant others over and over again then have to WAIT for things to change until somethings like this slaps us in the face and makes us deal with it. even though the women we are with we would not trade them for the world. Some Women deal with things on a much more mature level or feel the way they are handling their relationship issues is the best way and sometimes that can make man feel unappreciated or uncared for. Give him a chance I know from experience that people can change when listened to and cared for. Good luck- Nobody cares more about your family than your family-People will tell you all the reasons why you should not give it a shot but no reasons you should.
Author Amybeth Posted October 30, 2008 Author Posted October 30, 2008 Part of me has wanted to give him a chance but now that the shock of the affair has settled down I am remembering the difficulties that got us to that point in the first place. He can say nasty things to me like "what is wrong with you?" over something very small. I just have no tolerance for it anymore. I know he wants to keep the relationship going but no one can ever really change... I need time to think through if I should stay in this marriage but it is hard to do that with the kids around and if I am not really feeling connected to him. Your reply stuck a cord with me somehow... are you still with your wife? How is she doing? Why did you seek love / sex elsewhere?
badhubby Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 For now we are still together. She still wants a divorce. It is hard for me to deal with because I always have only wanted to be with her. I felt like she did not care about my feelings. I felt lonely she had her friends that I was not allowed to deal with. I fell off because I needed someone to talk to because I felt she would not. Which led to the wrong things. I had SEX with these women. Every day I spoke to my wife about my feelings, just thought she did not care. I responded because I know people can change because I know I have. Ask him to talk to you about your and his feelings during that time. Ask him what would he do, how far would he go to stay with you. Listen to him as he should listen to you. I pray every day to stay with my wife He might be to. I'll keep checking back If you respond.
Author Amybeth Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 Just so I understand - why did you do it? My husband says sex is like water or food just something he needs to survive. For a while I did not want to be intimate with him (on & off) because he was insulting, rude or not respectful. He says I am over sensitive. I just did not grow up with my Dad saying anything rude to my mom - he did. Both his parents are holocaust survivors and they have alot of anger that they never resolved so saying rude mean things as they had so many unresolved issues was normal. My H does not easily talk about his feelings - he thinks I talk to much about them and should just let things be. We did go to marriage counseling for 6 months and I am finally "OK" (for the moment) with dealing with the A but realize now that for our marriage to survive we have to deal with the issues that were in our marriage in the first place that led him to the A. He swears the affair was ONLY because he needed sex and I was not giving it. I believe when you have young children - a woman gets tired and not as motiviated to fool around - the H does not deal with it well and in our case he got anger about it and then a cycle developed and when he was anger I was less into it and then it continued. At this time I know we love each other BUT there have been issues in our marriage since kids (stress of life). How do you know if it really is time to move on? Maybe you should too... Do you fell your W was like a comfortable slipper - there but you do not appreciate them so much and they are not exciting anymore? I feel like that is how our marriage is in some ways. I want more - I want to be treated with love and respect...
badhubby Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 I cheated because I felt I needed someone to listen acted like they cared even for a minute. No I always have loved my wife. Maybe it is time to move on, but people can change. I find my wife exciting she just has a weird way of showing her love. Maybe this will bring him back to reality because affairs are not. They are moments in time that we can leave behind in the past. My wife as I like to put it not physically but mentally and emotionally cheated on me. She made me feel like others meant more to her than me and I was just to "DEAL" with it. Maybe it's time to move on maybe he will learn again to treat you the way you deserve. Keep your head up and your heart open Post back
badhubby Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 I never believe my wife was the main reason my cheated I don't like blaming my wife for the things I did, I think that's what I made it seem like. My wife is a great wife, I think I misrepresented how things were. She did have her friends but he cheating was the wrong way to put it. I was feeling insecure about her friendships. This is more about you and your H, letting you know that people can change because I have. Somedays are harder than others. I just try to push along everyday doing the right thing. So understand that you and him have things to work on, so do I. Women don't make it hard for us to do the things we do. I also like to put the blame on them because they knew I was married and they still went along with it.
Author Amybeth Posted November 4, 2008 Author Posted November 4, 2008 I started a new thread as the OW had contacted my H again. Anyway - we are really trying to make things work and I finally understand something !! I really believe my H was not meeting my EMOTIONAL NEEDS and as a result I was not willing to meet his SEXUAL NEEDS. I told him this and we both have to be willing to meet each other's needs even if it feels forced at the beginning - it could become normal and a habit and easy if we really love each other. You and your W needs to figure out what needs you were not meeting for each other. You sound like the more emotional one and maybe her needs are different - but find out what they are.
pkn06002 Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 I started a new thread as the OW had contacted my H again. Anyway - we are really trying to make things work and I finally understand something !! I really believe my H was not meeting my EMOTIONAL NEEDS and as a result I was not willing to meet his SEXUAL NEEDS. I told him this and we both have to be willing to meet each other's needs even if it feels forced at the beginning - it could become normal and a habit and easy if we really love each other. You and your W needs to figure out what needs you were not meeting for each other. You sound like the more emotional one and maybe her needs are different - but find out what they are. Oh yes so now EVERYTHING is the WS fault, so such a nice way for you to deflect and avoid your issues.
Author Amybeth Posted November 5, 2008 Author Posted November 5, 2008 Oh yes so now EVERYTHING is the WS fault, so such a nice way for you to deflect and avoid your issues. You need some counseling. I am not trying to deflect anything. I actually can see clearly for the first time - how this was a 2 way street and for me I need the emotional connection and then I am with the program and fooling around as often as possible would be great.
pkn06002 Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 You need some counseling. I am not trying to deflect anything. I actually can see clearly for the first time - how this was a 2 way street and for me I need the emotional connection and then I am with the program and fooling around as often as possible would be great. Oh Yes you see so clearly that it is HIS FAULT that you did not want to have sex with him. Yep he did not meet your emotional needs so you feel free to not meet his. Yep then blame him for getting frustrated and cheating to get what you would not give him. Yep like always the WS fault the BS could possibly not have any issues that help to cause the events.
Owl Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 Amybeth...don't get sidetracked with people's "personal agendas" here...focus instead on what you can do to reconcile things in your marriage.
pkn06002 Posted November 5, 2008 Posted November 5, 2008 You know what I am going to apologize for what I have posted here. I am projecting on you and that is not right. Sorry about that.
Author Amybeth Posted November 5, 2008 Author Posted November 5, 2008 You know what I am going to apologize for what I have posted here. I am projecting on you and that is not right. Sorry about that. Wow - thanx - and good for you to see that. Maybe it would help for you to realize there are 2 sides the the story. Maybe the cycle in your marriage needs to be looked at by you and your W. Maybe you were not meeting her needs and you not meeting hers this cycle went around enough times that you cheated. I only blame my husband for not having the ability to communicate with me better on what he needed and being nicer when he was frustrated rather than push me away more and continue the cycle. I tried for years to get us into counseling and for some of that time he was in his affair - so any real conversation was not going to be effective as his mind was elsewhere. Again good for you - and take a look at both of your needs and what got you to where you were.
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