sandflea Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Ok - I haven't posted in a while - here goes. I've been on two dates with this gal. We're both 40 somethings - she has a 16 year old daughter - to which she's totally committed, etc. She also works two jobs. A very busy woman. As for me, I don't have kids, and I only have one job - so I have MUCH more free time. 2 dates - both of them went well. The second one was about 6 hours - and we hit it off great. My dilemma is such: She's twice divo'd (I've been married once before). She's "warned" me that guys tend to dump her because she can't commit enough time for the kind of relationship they're looking for. Fair enough - she's being honest, and I can see where she's coming from. I'm considering calling for the third date - and, yeah - I'd like to take it to the next level - I'm just not sure if she's waiving me off, of telling it like it is... How much "space" should I give this gal? Thanks! SF
Lucky_One Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Does she need space, or does she need time to get her jobs and her daughter taken care of? Two different things, IMHO. Personally, I would call her and ask her out. She knows how much time she has available to give you, and if the proposed date doesn't work, then you can try to work it out for something that works for you both. If the time frame doesn't suit you, then you have realized at an early stage that her lack of time is a dealbreaker for you.
Author sandflea Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 Does she need space, or does she need time to get her jobs and her daughter taken care of? Two different things, IMHO. Personally, I would call her and ask her out. She knows how much time she has available to give you, and if the proposed date doesn't work, then you can try to work it out for something that works for you both. If the time frame doesn't suit you, then you have realized at an early stage that her lack of time is a dealbreaker for you. Sounds about right. I'll call her tonight after work to catch up. Thanks for replying! SF
TruthCrushedToEarth Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 My grandfather gave me the best advice with women when he said "Remember: No mean go". As a man, you have to be on the attack until they shoot you down and then attack some more. I'm not suggesting you rape the girl, but even women will agree that respectful persistence can be a turn on. Put her on the spot to stop it, don't stop yourself.
Jilly Bean Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Depends what you're looking for. She's telling you that you will NEVER be close to being a priority in her life. That her child and her work will come before you, and that other men didn't like that arrangement, so they dropped her. If you are looking for something very casual, then go for it. Beyond that, she has already told you how the relationship will end - that if you want more than she is willing to give, then it's over. Don't be foolish and ignore her words.
Author sandflea Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 Depends what you're looking for. She's telling you that you will NEVER be close to being a priority in her life. That her child and her work will come before you, and that other men didn't like that arrangement, so they dropped her. If you are looking for something very casual, then go for it. Beyond that, she has already told you how the relationship will end - that if you want more than she is willing to give, then it's over. Don't be foolish and ignore her words. Excellent advice JB. Such is the reality of dating post divo with kids. Happens all the time. Realistically speaking, we're both adults - and so I can accomodate being this casual for now. Her daughter is 16, goes away for summers with her Dad in Seattle, and will move out for college in 2 years. She's said as much - basically implying that there's potential down the road. As for me, well - sure, in my "perfect match fantasy" we're a regular team - a partnership. Not sure if I'll get there with this gal, but I commend her on her honesty. She's telling me like it is - and expects me to either deal with it, or walk. I like a woman who doesn't "beat aroud the bush" - so to speak (forgive the bad pun). Having said all that - she's just one woman, and I'm just one guy - and you know how that goes.... Still, I'll keep trying until she either kicks me to the curb, or I get weary of 25% of her time. It's really more about what I'm willing to put up with, than what she's willing (or able) to give. SF
Jilly Bean Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 It's really more about what I'm willing to put up with, than what she's willing (or able) to give. Well, that's true. I think she has shown you the ultimate respect in that she was very honest with you. This now allows you to make a free choice if you chose to engage in this scenario or not. Just don't make the mistake of thinking you can *change* her somehow, or that things will ever change. Too often, people ignore what they are told in the beginning of dating someone new. Safest to assume that 25% is all you will EVER get from her. If that is acceptable to you, then go for it. But, IMO, if you are seeking something more commited and involved, then I would take a pass on this one. It's only been 2 dates, so you are hardly invested. Just don't lose sight of your own personal romantic goals..particularly when someone tells you theirs (most likely) won't include you.
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