My wife cheated

[dannydrifter]

She also told me that she wanted to feel sexy. I tell her she is sexy and beautiful all the time but she said she needed to feel it from someone else.

 

That's just totally messed up. She's messed up.

[2sure]

I know everyone thinks I should not believe her but what if I do?

 

It sounds as if you, like many people here, are asking how to deal with the betrayal other than divorce.

 

There are many posters on here whose marriages are in various states of recovery after infidelity. Myself being one. This pain, this betrayal, is a death to a part of your marriage. Something has been irretreivably lost. You will grieve for it and eventually the pain will not be gone, but will become just another part of what makes up life. How long does the pain last, the images, etc. I guess its different for everyone. I felt a lot better after one year, I see posters here who never seem to get over it. The thing seems to be that the WS has to demonstrate change so that trust can be rebuilt. But you, the BS also have to stop the punishment. You have to do this together. Forgiveness doesnt mean forgetting. That was a big revelation for me.

 

I know the feelings of Betrayal are different for men. There are many guys here who have coped with it successfully. Your marriage has to become better from this tragedy, and I believe that is possible. If it doesnt cause improvement, this will only be a lingering tragedy.

[Reggie]

Only you can figure out what is right for you. And, I expect it takes a fair amount of speculating as to what the marriage will be like from here on out and how you are going to feel for the rest of your life. Everyon seems to have different tolerances for this thing.

Perhaps getting some individual counseling will help you figure out where you stand on this.

I will caution you that my reading has led me to believe that recovery is fairly rare, somewhere in the 30% range. And, I also read that for men, the initial desire to stay is usually based on fear of being alone and a sense of competition with the other guy.

The woman that did this survey found that, almost universally, the guys that stayed regretted it a year or two down the roas, once the fear and competitiveness went away.

I also had a thought, and it may be wrong. But, is it possible your wife did this in order to extricate herself from the marriage, with you appearing to be the moving force, reacting to the betrayal.

Seems she is embarking on a new career, one that, potentially, will have her associating with some big time earners and folks with some misplaced prestige by virtue of the Dr in front of their names. I wonder if this was not her way of trying to dump you.

I don't say that to be mean, as , if it is true, she clearly has some strange, superficial values. But, the fact that she is so blase re the potential for divorce seems a little lacking in investment in the marriage.

[Dexter Morgan]

At what point did any of you decide that you had to get a divorce?

 

Pretty much the point when I found out she cheated. But I just delayed the inevitable because I was really struggling with taking my kid's home away from them. but i decided that I didn't do that to them, she did.

 

So it was about a month after d-day that I contacted an attorney.

 

 

That is all I keep hearing from everyone but a lot of people stay and a lot of people say their marriage is better after the "A" than it ever was before.

 

I don't believe it for a minute. I think it "seems" better on the surface. But there is always one of them where something just still won't ever be quite right.......the BS.

 

 

I am still extremely heartbroken. I am torn up inside. I know I may never look at her the same way again.

 

You won't.

 

 

I know I may be setting myself up for this to happen again but is it worth tearing the rest of my life apart to pin all this up and just flush the rest of my life away?

 

In my opinion you are flushing away the rest of your life if you stay with her. And in the event you divorce and think you flushed it, it just aint so.

 

SHE flushed everything away, not you.

 

 

I am 33 years old with a 5 year old daughter. Do I want to start over again?

 

I did at 40. Best decision I ever made.

 

 

Are the memories of the last 12 years of my life gone now because of one night?

 

No, the memories are still there, they just mean nothing now.

 

 

Other people do this. Other people have done this. Millions of people get a divorce. Millions of people stay together. I have read so many stories now of people in my situation who forgave and moved on, and a lot of times, it was much worse.

 

I hear of people that say they forgave their WS. But then still question them whereever they go, and keep tabs on them. that isn't forgiving.

 

What is the point of living a life with someone you have to always wonder about?

 

 

She swears to me that this was an isolated incident.

 

 

Of course she says that. What is she gonna say? "It was one time, but I can't promise I won't do it again"

 

 

I know everyone thinks I should not believe her but what if I do?

 

Then you just have to learn the hard way.

 

Regardless, my sympathies lie with you. Good luck my man.

[Reggie]

I know it is not PC on some sites, but I agree with the above poster. I spoke to my therapast and another friend with a PHd in psycholgy re thisreconciliation business. Thye gave me about a 15% reconciliation rate and that is from a sampling of folks that were motivated enough , initially, to seek counseling and to really try to work on it.

One site I visited was run by a couple by the name of Wayne and Tamara. Seems a great deal of their site is devoted to debunking the "stronger marriage after the affair " myth. Google their site. Thye have a fairly down toearth perspectrive on this. It rang true to me.

Bottom line is that you now have positive , concrete proof that your wife does not love you to the exclusion of other men. We are hard wired to want exclusivity in our romantic relatiosnhips and that is not possible with your wife.

Man, you are incredibly young still, with only one child. When I divorced my first wife after her affairs were uncovered, I was early 40's. I really enjoyed being single and took good care of my kids> Dating opportunities were incrdeibly plentiful. You can date women in a wide range of ages, Are you sure you want to stay with someone capable of what your wife has done.

Check into IC.

[Bryanp]

I feel very sorry for you because you seem to be in such big time denial. From your comments it seems pretty clear that your wife is not that much invested in your marriage. She probably finds it much more convenient to stay married and go to medical school. This will not disrupt her family life and she will be able to concentrate better on her studies.

 

It is much more likely that you still do not have the full story and that it was a mere isolated incident. It is hard to imagine that she was brazen enough to come home from visiting you on your trip and have her married man screw her in your home, in your bed, in your sheets while your 5 years child is sleeping in the next room. Her attitude indicates that she felt empowered to this because either she had done before so often or she could not care less about you at all. If it was an isolated incident don't you think it would have been in some out of the way spot so your daughter would never have a chance to walk in? Why would she believe that the wife would not tell you immediately unless that may have happened before?

 

Your wife symbolically defecated on your marriage and relationship by bringing another man to your home and your bed to screw. A few days later you come home from your trip to the same bed. She must have taken some perverse thrill knowing a few days earlier another man was in your bed. In addition, she must gotten another perverse thrill making sure you continued to socialize for months with this couple knowing all three of them knew she had been screwed by the husband while you were being made a complete fool. I am sure they probably had great laughs about that. Only a person that had great distain and angry toward you could have done what she did in your home. I just can't get over the fact that she would this while your daughter was in the next room and neither should you.

 

Finally, she had no intention of ever telling you and only got caught before the other wife is divorcing the OM. Clearly she is very good at cheating and lying to you without you having a clue. Who knows what other secrets she is not telling you.

 

I agree with the other poster that she has checked out of the marriage and just wants to stay married to have it convienient while she goes to medical school. You can almost bet on it that she will meet someone else and or move to another city to continue her residency. This is all about her.

 

I suggest that you talk to a psychologist and let them tell you the symbolism of the actions she took bringing him into your bed in your home while your daughter was in the next room. Clearly she has no respect for you. By your willingness to accept these actions and her tepid comments to stay in the marriage; her respect for you will be even less so. If the roles had been reversed do you honestly think she would have accepted such humiliation and distain from you in your own home? Please see a therapist because your are in complete total denial while your wife has a broken moral compass and is just waiting to complete medical school when she will then move on without you with someone else. How can you not see this?

[theobserver]

One thing that I do need to say is that she hasn't tried to talk me into not getting a divorce. She said she doesnt want one but if I do, she is willing to do whatever I want. She even asked if she should move out. I told her no.

 

At what point did any of you decide that you had to get a divorce?That is all I keep hearing from everyone but a lot of people stay and a lot of people say their marriage is better after the "A" than it ever was before.

 

 

 

Okay I'm going to break this down. She is prepared to leave, I'm almost certain she just doesn't really care too much about you. I get the feeling she actually has pity for you, believes you're a sap and you know what from the things you say it seems like it.

 

She checked out long ago my friend, he'll she should be begging for forgiveness instead she's ready to move out if need me (so she can get back to screwing other men that are not you) and she is prepared for divorce. Read between the lines my friend your marriage is over.

 

As for the second part of the section I quoted from you, the only reason why those other couples say their marriage is so much better AFTER the affair is because of the attitude of both partners.

The Betrayed spouse demands change, and often will ask for counseling, completely openess of the cheating partners life (access to email, check up calls etc) in sense you do the crime you pay the time to gain back the trust that they shattered.

 

The cheating spouse in cases usually is begging to be forgiven and is willing to live by these new rules, they genuinely are regretful of their mistake.

 

There are variations on this "healing/trust regain stage"

 

One thing you must never do as a man is simply act like it never happened. If you have that doormat mentality she will lose all what little respect she has for you. These forums make things seem a little skewed but I sure notice a lot of men and the odd women cheated on when their partner is in the Military. People that tend to enlist in the army have a certain personality perhaps this is a clue also.

 

One other thing I wanted to add is you said you're not the perfect husband you put your wife down, say bad things well bla bla welcome to 80% of all relationships we all know what to say what hurts and you know what most of us are even annoyed by the people we love it happens. However that loathing should not overpower your love and appreciation of your partner and it should not also happen all the time. If it did/was then this is a big problem and you were never compatible.

 

Don't be ashamed of having a divorce, we live in a good time where people wont throw rocks at you for getting a divorce so relax.

[Reggie]

That is just not true, that folks that enlist have a certain personality that makes it more likely their spouses cheat. It's rampant everywhere. Where did this idea come from?

[mel47]

Im older than you but I can promise it stays with you. My wife was having an affair while I was working nights. The signs were there but I was young, stupid, and I loved her and my young child so I didnt even see them.

 

She eventually left me and took my child under false pretenses. I then suspected something so started following her. Turns out she was screwing her cousin and had been for months. I caught them and except for a locked door would have witnessed it. I beat the hell out of him and made sure he knew what would happen if he ever so as spoke to her again. I was determined to give my child a home as I came from a broken home. I told her she could come home if she wanted as I admit I still did love her. She refused as she loved him. She knew he had better sense than to come around her again and finally understood he would not have run out if he really loved her. For whatever reason i didnt file for divorce and a year later we recondiled. She truly was young, stupid, loney, and in her mind I was seeing other women. I was not. Somehow I forgave her but I live an eternal hell in my mind each and every day imagining her with him. I"m much older now and realize the reasons but there is no reason to ever have an affair. if you dont love someone, get out. Period.

 

I love her, and quite honestly had an affair just to get back at her. It didnt work. The images are still there.

 

You can work it out if you both want to, and my wife has been a wonderful wife and mother ever since, but my mind wanders back all those years with different scenarios of what I should have done. My life is on the downswing now and I still would have taken her back even if only for my child. But the mental anguish has been hell. I forgave but I cant forget.

[displaced texan]

Well, I thought I would check back in now that the initial smoke has cleared. Things are good, not great, but good.

 

We talked for hours every night for the past couple of weeks. I know I am supposed to not trust her and not take her back and everything but I did.

 

On one hand, I hate her. I hate what she did. I will NEVER forgive her for what she did. I cant. I wont. She broke my heart and she threw away what we had. The image will more than likely never go away. I dont spare her a single thought either. If I have a bad day or the images in my head are there, I tell her every thought. She isnt going to get to forget it and move on until I do. I have told her over and over again that I am almost more upset that she hid it from me than the fact that she did it.

 

On the other hand, I still love her. Think what you want about that but we have been together through too much to just drop her. No one here has told me to believe anything she says but I do. She told me too many painful, embarrassing things for me not to believe that she is telling the whole truth.

 

I feel like a part of my life was stolen from me but now we are starting over. We are making a new relationship. We are treating each other with a lot more respect because to be honest, we weren't doing that before.

 

Thank you all for everything you have said. I also had her get on here and read EVERY single word you all posted here. It cuts pretty deep and I could see shame it caused her.

 

I wont be a stranger here. I want people to see that you can mend a relationship after an affair. I think we are going to be able to do it, I have to be hopeful of that.

[displaced texan]

That is just not true, that folks that enlist have a certain personality that makes it more likely their spouses cheat. It's rampant everywhere. Where did this idea come from?

 

Not really sure if there is enough evidence to support that either but I have witnessed so much cheating in the military. It is overwhelming.

[Mr. Lucky]

On one hand, I hate her. I hate what she did. I will NEVER forgive her for what she did. I cant. I wont. She broke my heart and she threw away what we had. The image will more than likely never go away. I dont spare her a single thought either. If I have a bad day or the images in my head are there, I tell her every thought. She isnt going to get to forget it and move on until I do. I have told her over and over again that I am almost more upset that she hid it from me than the fact that she did it.

 

On the other hand, I still love her. Think what you want about that but we have been together through too much to just drop her. No one here has told me to believe anything she says but I do. She told me too many painful, embarrassing things for me not to believe that she is telling the whole truth.

Well, if you're willing to spend the next twenty years of your life working through that "hate her, love her" contradiction, you're a stronger man than I. Be prepared for her, sometime in the near future, to begin to resent your anger...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Owl]

OK...your confusion about what you're feeling for her right now is totally normal, and completely understandable.

 

You love her...but you HATE what she's DONE.

 

The REAL question here then becomes...what are you doing to resolve that conflict?

 

Marriage counseling? Reading up on how to recover and reconcile from infidelity? Improved communications with her? Helping her to learn how to become more trustworthy and regain your trust over time and effort?

[In Like Flynn]

Not really sure if there is enough evidence to support that either but I have witnessed so much cheating in the military. It is overwhelming.

 

I am retired military.....I don't believe military are wired any different. Military are separated from their spouses too often and for longer periods of time than any others. One thing I have noticed is that the younger troops don't seem to take the necessary time to get to know their spouses before they marry. Alot have married after basic training or just before a long deployment?? Military needs to be more careful what type of person to make their spouse because of these things. Less bling and more substance! She may look great in a swimsuit but will she make a great wife etc.

 

The divorce rate and cheating rate is higher for sure...its almost impossible to find someone in their late 30's that hasn't had at least 1 divorce. Also military members stay in bad marriages longer because if they divorce they will be separated from their kids sometimes by continents and only see their kids 30 days out of the year!!

[mental_traveller]

Kill the other guy, and your wife, then turn yourself into the cops and prepare for the electric chamber. That's what I would *want* to do.

 

Given that this is a bit drastic, your best next bet is to divorce your wife, tell everyone you both know about the incident, so they know what a trashy whore she is, and then move on with life. If she has a sister or best friends, f*ck them and rub it in your wife's face. Hire a good lawyer and try to screw her as much as possible financially.

 

I guarantee one you move on, and get some nice piece of ass, your wife will just become a distant, unpleasant memory. Do it before she suckers you back in. And remember to call her once a year to remind her what a ho she is.

[mental_traveller]

I caught them and except for a locked door would have witnessed it. I beat the hell out of him and made sure he knew what would happen if he ever so as spoke to her again.

 

Sir, I salute you. Sorry you are still suffering pain. It's never too late to move on.

[mental_traveller]

I think this may be the crux of the problem. A lot of people who cheat do it for validation - just like your wife did. I don't know how truthful the other stuff she said was, but none of that other stuff really matters. It is this that is the grit in the oyster so to speak. She is trying to fill a missing piece inside herself with something outside herself, and it never works. All it does is creates problems.

 

Until she can fill that missing piece herself and get to the point where she can feel good about herself without having another man to tell her so - then she will continue to cheat, or at the very least want to.

 

He could turn her out on the street, make her turn tricks for a living. That would 'validate' how 'attractive' she is. I wonder if she'd like that idea.

 

Validation is just another BS excuse.

[Sumnersgal]

I'd like to tell you that the pain and broken heart heals quickly but it doesn't. It's been 13 weeks to the day since I caught my H cheating and I cried myself to sleep last night - not thinking about them together but feeling sorry for myself.

You're in a fragile, fragile state right now. Everything that was sound and secure in your world has been blown to hell. Get you feet back under you.

I used my job and my child as my balance. Those things are real in your unreal world right now. Focus on those things when your mind starts spinning out of control. Eventually, you will be still enough to work through some things with your W.

I understand what you are saying about having sex so soon after you found out. I had sex with my H two days after I found out about him. Even our MC said he was shocked to hear that and my H told the MC he was too. I told my H that it was because I had to get him back physically and that I could not have him in my bed knowing the last person he was with was not me. I explained that there wasn't any love involved in my act towards him. So I understand where you're coming from.

 

You will get through this. I commend you for wanting to try to work it out. Good luck. I want to recommend a book called "Torn Asunder". I can't remember the author's name but it changed me. It helped me understand what I was feeling.

 

Another suggestion is to buy another bed. Don't tell her about it - just do it. It's not for her, it's for you.

[JustBreathe]

I wanted to add that your daughter is only 5, Texan. She will get over mom and dad living apart alot easier than a 10 year old, or a 15 year old. Think about it, take a year even to think about it, but consider that you could be living with your feelings for the rest of your life if you stay with her because it never goes away completely. An affair causes permanent damage. If you're going to leave your wife, do it while your daughter is young.

 

My sister divorced her husband when her kids were 2 and 4 years old. They have adjusted very well. She and her ex have had a healthy divorce with no back biting. The kids are active in sports, etc., and do well in school and are happy.

 

The infidelity in my marriage was revealed when my sons were 6, 9 and 18. I stayed. I regret it. I now know that I have not and will not ever get over it. I have had 8 more years of sadness and we are more distant than ever.

 

I am still with him as I have come this far, been married for over 25 years, and I don't see what harm waiting 3 more years will do. We don't fight anymore. I don't hate him. But we're like old relatives more than anything. If I had not stayed, by now, there might have been someone else for me. But after all these years of sorrow, I have too much baggage now and know will never have another relationship with a man.