Not getting easier

[Sysyphus28]

It has been week 6 NC and it has not become easier for me. Something inside my mind/heart won't let go of her. I still want to call her, I have wierd indirect dreams about seeing her. It feels unbearable. I know that I am not acting on these impulses to contact her, and I am proud of myself for that........................

 

But it is painful as Hell. I can't believe she feels like a stranger right now. I can't believe she did this to me and has acted so indifferent.

 

Where does closure come from? People say inside of me, but all that is coming from inside me is pain and longing. I don't even know what I am longing for anymore. I am afraid to contact her.

 

That's right...........I am 28 years old(a grown man), and I afraid to contact my ex for fear of going back to square one of this pain.

 

I have tried to "MAN-UP" and be strong by cutting her out of my life. I have been successful in that I have not contacted her via the many ways to initiate cotact. I have not been successful in letting go of the pain she has inflicted.

Why am I convinced that the person who hurt will heal me? It is crazy thinking. I feel like breaking down this morning and just giving in.

 

Calling her and leaving a message..."hey its me, I still exist"

 

emailing....."do you know how much pain you caused?"

 

txting......" i miss you everyday"

 

I don't know what else to do!! How can I get through today..almost 2 months have gone by.

 

I feel like a ghost.

[Belle28]

Hi,

I understand how you feel because I have been in that situation many times before. I am in a similar situation right now and I am also trying to be brave. Two months is a considerable amount of time but I guess the healing process can be faster or slower depending on the person and circumstances in which the breaking up ocurred.

 

My only question would be: are you in pain because you are feeling rejected or because you cannot picture yourself without this girl? In the past I have confused the two so this is why I am asking. If you really cannot live without her I would recommend you get in touch but don't let her know you are in pain. Just send her a quick email asking how she is and telling her this time apart has been beneficial for you as well. Try not be write anything needy or depressive. If she is still interested I am sure she will write back because she will be missing you too.

 

Otherwise, just keep yourself busy. It also helps if everytime you feel like giving in to have someone to talk to.

 

I hope things work out for you :-) and for me as well!

[Rafa]

Hi Sysyphus28,

 

I'm at exactly the same time-frame as you - almost 2 months.

 

Here is something I found on another site that could help (courtesy of the NC expert SuperDave71):

 

Learning to Let Go

 

 

I want to be very clear on this topic so that there isn’t any confusion. Please listen carefully. To those who are hurting; for those who are holding on so tightly because the thought of letting go of your partner is too much to handle and that would mean that you do not love them anymore…the more you will not move forward. Forward does not mean “getting over them”. Letting go means letting go of the feelings that are keeping you from thinking more clearly and letting go of silly ideas of “If I do this…this will happen.” I have made every mistake in the book. My heart had the best intensions. I wanted to love them back to me with “DOING” something rather than helping myself.

 

Realize that nothing you can say, buy, convince or do will bring your partner back. A sudden proclamation of love after a breakup will be seen as a pitiful reaching out. An undying promise to “do better” or “make it up to you” is just that …words. I speak from experience. I have been there. I have been in the trenches of breakups and they are not easy to navigate with all the emotions running around inside heart. Letting go means becoming NOT ONLY the person you were BEFORE your ex partner, but becoming a better you.

 

 

We learn from our experiences in life and love. We know that acting a certain way will get us a positive reaction and others will get us a negative reaction. Learning to take responsibility for your own actions allows you to take a step back from all the confusion and panic. Panic leads to more panic as with any negative emotion will only lead to more of the same. When a negative thought enters your head, ask yourself the following:

Is this thought what I assume?

Is this thought what I know ( the truth )

You cannot make assumptions about what you ex is thinking or feeling. Asking yourself over and over as well as friends, family or co-workers “do you think they think about me” is not helping you and can be very distracting. You might as well contemplate the meaning of life rather than asking yourself a hypothetical question.

 

By nature, as human beings, we are inquisitive. We want to know the answers to our questions and we want them now. After a break, the same questions arise from your heart as they did mine.

 

Here is a small list:

 

1. Are they thinking of me?

2. Do they still love me?

3. Have they moved on?

4. Is there someone else?

5. What can I do to make them understand?

6. If I get them back, I will <fill in the blank>

7. Why haven’t they called or contacted me?

8. Should I talk to their parents?

9. We were so perfect for one another, why is this happening?

10. Will they ever come back?

 

 

I cannot tell you how many times during my personal breakup that I kept these VERY questions rolling around in my head. Think of a million ping pong balls rattling around in my head and each ball represents a question or thought of my ex. It was overwhelming UNTIL I REALIZED right now, it is NOT ABOUT MY EX. IT’S ALL ABOUT ME RIGHT NOW.

 

 

The statement above is not a selfish one. It is the very thing I needed when I couldn’t answer the ten questions above. I was wasting time trying to answer questions that I had no idea what the answers were. I refer to this as the treadmill. You mind races and races yet you get no where. You end up exhausted and more frustrated than before. The mind can play tricks on you. One moment you have common sense and the reasoning skills you developed in your many years of experience calms you. You can sit back and take a breath. Out of know where, the questions pop into your head and panic starts to take over and your breathing increases and the “what if’s” are now overtaking your head AND your heart.

 

 

The first step is knowing the difference in factual thoughts or assumptions based on your negative thinking. At first this can be very difficult, yet you need to take the time to explore why you are having these thoughts. You must first realize that negative thinking and assumptions will get you NO WHERE. Let these ideas go. Push them out of your head and tell yourself that you are not going to let these take root inside of you. You can do it. All you have to do is have confidence. Reach down deep and find that seed inside you. With this, you can grow as much as you want if you allow that seed (you) to take root in positive ground. THIS is your first step is healing.

[JooLee]

sysyphus, i totally understand how you feel. those exact thought ran through my head for weeks. but then like the rafa's post, i realise that its not about the ex anymore, its about me.

 

when you find it so hard to let go to a point where its destructive to yourself you have to start taking a look within on why you are allowing this to effect you so much.

 

i doubt you contacting her would make much of a difference because if she wants you back, she has your number, email etc. but she's not making any move now is she? would you reli want to go back to someone who has threw you aside like that? i think its about self worth now. sure it will take a while till you love or trust again, but by the time you're ready, you'll be a better person and that is so much better.

 

2 months in my opinion is not long enough period to be totally over someone. give it time, hold your head up. let your feeling out, dont keep it in. stop trying to understand why she did what she did. its time to understand yourself, why you feel you need her. the fact is, you dont need anyone, just God.

 

it doesnt matter how old you are, you can be 40 and still feel this way. when it comes to the matter of heart you lose all rationality. so its time you teach the heart whats right and wrong.. and feeling this way is so wrong. there's only one person that can make you happy again and that is yourself.

 

good luck to you!

 

btw, thx rafa for your post, i think its what everyone here in this section need to breathe in.

[Sysyphus28]

It has been a hard monday and I am getting through it. I don't want to talk to my friends about this. I have overtalked it.........seriously.

I am only a quarter way up the mountain.

 

It is about me. And all the thoughts of the things "I could do" get overwhelming. It is the "what if's" that make this hard. I feel like calling or visiting would do me some good..........seeing her would spark something in her, blah, blah, blah

I am having so much trouble breaking this pattern of thinking.

[northstar1]

It has been a hard monday and I am getting through it. I don't want to talk to my friends about this. I have overtalked it.........seriously.

I am only a quarter way up the mountain.

 

It is about me. And all the thoughts of the things "I could do" get overwhelming. It is the "what if's" that make this hard. I feel like calling or visiting would do me some good..........seeing her would spark something in her, blah, blah, blah

I am having so much trouble breaking this pattern of thinking.

 

It's very hard my friend, and yes, my friends are sick of hearing about it. I'm tired of talking about it, and I think they are tired of hearing it, there is only so much advice they can give.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Well man, you're not alone. I'm approaching 3 months here and I have had days where I feel strong, but I had a few to many barely pops this w-end (yes dumb) and scraped up against a concrete post with my car at about 4 mph. Funny how much damage you can do for barely moving. This totally set me back and now I'm back to being depressed as hell. I understand you feeling like a ghost. I can relate.

I'm ready for a lobotomy.

[Sysyphus28]

I am so tired of talking about it..............!

Sometimes when I'm typing on LS, I think..........are you kidding me, AmI rephrasing the same sh**I already said in a different way again. I am attacking this thing from every logical angle and still coming up with this UN-profound line of thinking.....

But what if I called her to see............

or what if I visited and........

 

I am almost so sick of thinking it that I might act on it to get it out of the way.

STUPID huh.

[Peter_pan]

I am so tired of talking about it..............!

Sometimes when I'm typing on LS, I think..........are you kidding me, AmI rephrasing the same sh**I already said in a different way again. I am attacking this thing from every logical angle and still coming up with this UN-profound line of thinking.....

But what if I called her to see............

or what if I visited and........

 

I am almost so sick of thinking it that I might act on it to get it out of the way.

STUPID huh.

 

with you on that. logic is the only thing that stops me, and trying to look at how i would feel IF i got my own way. i mean it takes two to change. I couldnt just get her back if i wanted to and then everything to be amazing. she would have to have changed and i probably wouldnt like who she is now.. . but i'll never know i guess, cause we are not friends, we werent before.

[northstar1]

I am so tired of talking about it..............!

Sometimes when I'm typing on LS, I think..........are you kidding me, AmI rephrasing the same sh**I already said in a different way again. I am attacking this thing from every logical angle and still coming up with this UN-profound line of thinking.....

But what if I called her to see............

or what if I visited and........

 

I am almost so sick of thinking it that I might act on it to get it out of the way.

STUPID huh.

 

That's the issue right here, it becomes a battle of logic vs. emotion.

 

Logic dictates it's over, and they are not looking to get back, and we need to solider on in life and not contact them.

 

Emotion responds with "But I love them, and they used to love me......they must miss me, must think of me.......if I email or call them....I'll show them how much they do miss me.........and maybe she'll see the error of her ways...."

 

Once we can get a handle on the emotions, then we can truly begin to move on.

[Peter_pan]

how do we get a handle on the emotions then? whats the best way. NC im guessing?

[northstar1]

how do we get a handle on the emotions then? whats the best way. NC im guessing?

 

NC, exercise, keeping busy, planning a trip, meeting new people.

basically anything that prevents you from sitting around reliving old memories in your head.

[JooLee]

you know what, sometimes you need to do what you reli feel you need to do.

sysyphus, if you feel strongly to contact her and that is going to relieve you, go ahead. but you should do it with a strong heart and be prepared for no answer or to get hurt even more. sometimes we need to do one last thing to get closure.

i for one did it to get my closure FOR MYSELF. yes i contacted him, and of course i didnt get what i was hoping to hear but it helped me to accept and to DECIDE that he is not worth it and to move on.

 

do it for yourself, not for her.

 

sometimes letting it all out helps. but like i said, you have to be prepared and keep your heart strong.

[Sysyphus28]

Going for that "closure" call is up to you, but to me that seems like breaking NC and going straight back to painful square one. No matter how you justify it(unless you have kids) breaknig NC is sacrifing your dignity and puting yourself on the line again. We have all put ourselves on the line, thats why we are on LS>

BECAUSE WE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT PUT THEMSELVES ON THE LINE AND REMAIN HURT, we are the people that are fighting to regain our dignity.

We should never call the ex after NC. NEVER NEVER NEVER. They can reach us, they have called us for years, they have used the same emails for years, they know where we live and our address!

It is no coincidence that they are not calling you, they do not want to right now.

I think got closure when I embarrassed myself and sacrificed my dignity to "win" her love back. WOW..................thats how blind love makes us.

I chased her and cried like a little baby. Like a little whimpering puppy dog(I'm sure it was a sight to see) LIKE A LITTLE BABY........

I am 28 and she is 21.............she must have been like, "look at this loser crying over me"......."I have been f-ing a new dude for months and here is this doormat"

Its been almost 6 weeks NC,and before that a few weeks, she has made one attempt to call me w/ no message and I didn't answer.

Thats what all my crying and "trying" to work it out got me. Three lousy missed calls and not one message.

Guess what, you ex is a piece of sh** just like mine!

Listen to everyone's story, breaking NC is a terrible idea. It brings no closure.....just more pain.

[Goldstar]

Yes it is incredibly painful, but I have to agree NC is the way to go.

 

"Why am I convinced that the person who hurt will heal me? "

 

Wow, I have felt ever word of this, but it's my stuff to deal with not hers. My feelings, not hers.

 

I am sorry you are hurting, but just continue to post. Don't break NC.

[dazedandconfused2008]

Your post made me want to cry...because everything you said was true. Probably the most truthful thing ive read so far. Same thoughts go around in everyones heads. The same questions. And what you said IS the reason for nc. I want my dignity back...

[lofi_tokyo]

stop trying to understand why she did what she did. its time to understand yourself, why you feel you need her.

 

I really like that line. You're right. This is something I need to do. Stop asking why HE did what he did, and start asking WHY I obsess over him. If I can get to the bottom of that, then I think I'll be in a much better place. ;p

[ioncebelieved]

I feel this at times and understand it quite well. You think since weeks/ months have passed that you should be better. I go through spells myself. At 2 months I was well on my way, then at 3 months I was bad and broke NC. IT set me back. I allowed another to pass and felt like breaking NC and did. Again worse.

 

For me, at least I have identified what is screwing me up. Comes a time you just have to let go and when I finally do, I will heal like I should.

[Sysyphus28]

Yes it is incredibly painful, but I have to agree NC is the way to go.

 

"Why am I convinced that the person who hurt will heal me? "

 

Wow, I have felt ever word of this, but it's my stuff to deal with not hers. My feelings, not hers.

 

I am sorry you are hurting, but just continue to post. Don't break NC.

 

Its all true....she gave up dealing with it. She has no obligation to you anymore, anything she extends now is a courtesy. She isn't your girlfriend anymore.........she done, fine....game over.

 

I know it sucks to even think she doesn't care, but thats the attitude that I have been trying to adhere to.

How could someone who cared F you over so badly......I mean, how selfish are these awful woman? Or men? or whoever?

I am burning to talk to my ex, and she is probably naked in the shower with her new man. I just cringed.............

[Sysyphus28]

The want to talk to her has not subsided like I thought it would.

She hasn't called me or tried to talk to me in a long time. By her silence she has shown me she is no longer interested in talking to me. What would be the use in worming my way back in..........by calling or emailing.

I am a great writer and I know I could leave a good message.

 

BUT, if she doesn't call me on her own..........does she still want to talk to me?

 

Does she want me to call?

[JooLee]

only God knows if she wants you to call.

but bear in mind she is with someone new (right?) and it wont change a thing.

like i said earlier, if you feel the need to let things out, go ahead. sometimes its what we need to do to relieve ourself. but you have to do it with no regrets.

 

i understand how you are feeling, but i think the problem now is you are stopping yourself from letting go. you are afraid of letting go. dont be. it is the right thing to do.

[Sysyphus28]

I am afraid to let go. I have not compeletly said goodbye to her memory.

Why can't I let go. I still want to call her and be a friend.................??

WHY?? She is with someone new now. I forget that all the time.

 

I need LS. I need this support. WHY HAS THIS WEEK been miserable!!

[Peter_pan]

same, my ex got a new guy within a matter of weeks, ie he was waiting in the background. i called her and tried to get her back in a nice way but she wouldnt listen. i wished her good luck and she said the same. and that was it.. not heard from her since. she obviously really cared about me since we were together for over 3 years.... not.

 

youve just got to fight each day and move on with your life, that dosnt mean find another gf, you probably wont for a long time, i mean move on with your life, friends, activities, hobbies. anything.

 

i know how you feel. its unbearable.

[Just_dealin_with_it]

I'm with pretty much everyone here on this post. I just had a breakup about 2 months ago myself. Although we both agreed that it was the right thing, lately I have been reeling with sadness. I miss her more than I can say. We haven't had much contact, except for the first couple of weeks after the breakup. We spoke once of getting back, but ultimately she felt things would not change, so we didn't get back. Now she is with someone new, and unfortunately I get to see it from time to time because we attend the same school. Although I struggle with wondering whether she is really happy or not with the new guy, I know that the only way I'll move past it is with NC. I think about calling or texting her all the time to say how much I miss her, or to ask her how could she move on with someone new after only a month apart after two years together. Sysyphus you have got to stay strong, contacting her is not going to get you what you want. We have got to learn that life goes on, and that being happy comes from within us, not from our exes. You may have read this already but Im going to put this link up... I have found it really helpful and therapeutic, hope it helps you too.

Its from cali guy, its at the bottom of his posts... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/

[Sysyphus28]

I have read it and re-read. It s so easy to see why NC is the best thing. However, it is a struggle to relieve this knot in my chest.

I have put myself through such a strict regiment of behavior when it came ot my emotions..........that is why I have driven my ex's away in an unhealthy manner.

 

Everyone situation is slightly different, but thier is the same vein of feelings going through all of us. We have been slighted, dumped, cheated on, manipulated, strung along, treated poorly in the end, ect. We have been left in longing............longing to get back that old feeling of comfort.

 

The DIS-Comfort zone is not the greatest place. In fact, it is a needy and lonely place.

Friends/FAmily/peers/forum members/counselors they help..........but you go to bed with you every night.

You wake up with you in the morning.

NC is forcing yourself into the pain. NO easy ways out. No quick )ex's) fixes. No txt messages that say "i miss you"..........."i wish you were here"

"I love you"

No more sweet love for you.

It burns you up that someone could leave you feeling like a LOSER...........

 

*** maybe you embarrassed yourself trying to get him/her back at the end of the relationship

** maybe you got cheated on

**maybe both.

 

It doesn't matter.

We are left to pick up these pieces.