littlegirl35 Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Hi all, Sorry if this is the same old commitment problem - its seriously driving me crazy so would like some feedback from the big wide world out there... My boyfriend and I have been going out a year now and been friends for 2 1/2 years. I'm totally crazy about him, and feel like he's totally the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. We're both 25. I've had a lot of relationships in my life, a lot of them have ben bad ones. Far too many times its all gone wrong, I'm feeling tired with life and I know exactly what I want - stop messing about and settle down for good. For my boyfriend on the other hand, this is his first ever relationship. His parants are also divorced, and he lives with his family, playing "dad" to them and taking care of them and the house, providing for them, as he has to pay for the house and all the bills. The problem is that I desperatly want to move in with him, and start living my life with him. I know its only been a year, and I have talked about it with him, but he always want to avoid the issue, like he finds it really hard to talk about. when I press him he just says he isnt ready, and thats it. It seems like he will do anything not to talk about it, and he dreads the topic, and the prospect of moving in with me really doesnt excite him. I have just tried to "accept" it and get on with everything, but i just end up feeling sad and depressed the whole time he isnt here. I've seriously tried my hardest to get on with my life and accept it may be another year + till we start our life together, but i'm not sure I can with the way i'm feeling at the moment. I just dont see the point if its making me miserable, and I feel like i'm putting my life on hold for him. I am so in love with him, I miss him and I cant see a reason why we shouldnt move in with each other. I'm scared i'm going to end up resenting him for this, as sometimes I feel he puts his family before me all the time and I'm second priority. He has his family, but I live on my own, 6 months ago I moved area to be closer to him, moving away from my family and changing my job to be closer to him, my parants are also seperated. I have not really made any friends in the area and the closest relative I have is 2 1/2 hours drive away, and most of my family live abroad. I dont really have a very big support network in my life right now so I do feel lonely a lot of the time. I feel all this is affecting my self esteem too which doestn help when I meet new people as I am already very shy! Any feedback on this would be great, its been seriously driving me crazy and I dont know what to do. Thanks!
FlyByNite Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 hey - I feel for you as I have been in this situation. I was with a man (who is now my ex) and we had been together for 5 years before I asked him to move in with me (we had started seeing each other when we were 18). He said the same things as your BF. I pushed it really hard with my boyfriend because I felt that if he wasn't ready after 5 years, would he ever be, and I needed to move house and it would make sense financially. I pretty much bullied him into it. The thing is, we broke up this january (after another 5 years) and I think that i should never have persuaded him into moving in with me. If he doesn't want to, he has his reasons, and if you push it, you may be storing up future problems as he feels backed into a corner. Nothing good ever comes of making people do things they don't want to. You need to take control and make the decision as to whether you want to continue if he's not ready to commit yet. That decision is entirely down to your personal goals and timelines. I do feel however that as you are feeling pretty isolated right now, that that may be affecting you wanting that security from your BF. You do need to find some outside support so you don't lean on him too heavily - he can't be everything in your life. I hope that helps and good luck. FBN
quankanne Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 you seem to be unrealistic in your expectations of this guy: – you expect him to cure your problems of loneliness by moving in with him ("I have not really made any friends in the area and the closest relative I have is 2 1/2 hours drive away, and most of my family live abroad. I dont really have a very big support network in my life right now so I do feel lonely a lot of the time. I feel all this is affecting my self esteem too which doestn help when I meet new people as I am already very shy!") – … when he has obligations to his family that you fail to comprehend ("His parants are also divorced, and he lives with his family, playing "dad" to them and taking care of them and the house, providing for them, as he has to pay for the house and all the bills … cant see a reason why we shouldnt move in with each other … sometimes I feel he puts his family before me all the time and I'm second priority") I don't doubt that he cares for you, but honestly? You're asking for something he just isn't able to give right now. By pushing the issue, you're going to lose him. so, instead of expecting this guy to move in with you, why don't you look elsewhere for a roommate, at least until he's in a position to even consider living with you?
Ronni_W Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I agree with you that low self-esteem will limit your ability to expand your friendship circle and personal support network. The danger for your romantic relationship is that you may end up putting all your social, mental and emotional needs on just your boyfriend, and totally overwhelm and over-burden him to the point where he will have to withdraw from you 100%...in order to save himself from being totally drained and depleted trying to meet all your needs, PLUS his own, PLUS whatever other obligations and responsibilities he has chosen for himself (e.g., his family.) This article on relationships may be helpful: http://www.eqi.org/eqe96_9.htm And these two on personal growth: http://www.coping.org/growth/accept.htm and http://www.coping.org/growth/esteem.htm You DO have the power to transform yourself from "LittleGirl" to "Confident, Self-reliant Adult" -- it's just a matter of finding the right-for-you resources and tools to do that. Wishing you great success!
Author littlegirl35 Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 It is great to get a different perspetive on things when you cant see the wood from the trees. I'll try those links, and try to find ways to develop my self esteem and independance. Thanks for all your advice!
Lucky_One Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 You say he pays all the bills for his family. If he moved in with you, who would take over that responsibility?
Ruby Slippers Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I agree that you are putting too much stock in this guy and expecting him to fulfill too many roles for you. It's good that you're invested, but you also need to have a life of your own. I understand your feelings. I like a close relationship, too. If it's not intense and passionate, I don't even want to bother. But you do still need to have your own life and friends. I think it could be helpful to you to focus some of your energy on yourself right now -- plugging in to your new city, making friends, pursuing your own interests outside of this guy. Work on all that for a few months, take the pressure off your guy, and then see how things are going. If you're still not happy and don't feel things are moving in a good direction with him, you can think about your options. But hopefully other positive changes will follow.
dogtown Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I agree that you are putting too much stock in this guy and expecting him to fulfill too many roles for you. It's good that you're invested, but you also need to have a life of your own. I understand your feelings. I like a close relationship, too. If it's not intense and passionate, I don't even want to bother. But you do still need to have your own life and friends. I think it could be helpful to you to focus some of your energy on yourself right now -- plugging in to your new city, making friends, pursuing your own interests outside of this guy. Work on all that for a few months, take the pressure off your guy, and then see how things are going. If you're still not happy and don't feel things are moving in a good direction with him, you can think about your options. But hopefully other positive changes will follow. This is the best response here. You need to carve out your own life. Don´t be completely dependent on your boyfriend. This where your problem lies - get some friends, join some clubs and don´t stake your happiness on whether or not someone wants to live with you. YOU create your own happiness. You have the whole rest of your life to live with this guy. No rush here.
Recommended Posts