hhr2001 Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Ok I'll try to keep this short. I dated a girl back in college, we both really fell in love, but we were young and broke up over the summer. I always thought it was the distance, but she says it was because she liked me so much and was scared she would be hurt. Who knows what's true, but for whatever reason, we broke up. 4 years later, I still think I love her. We didn't talk for about 3 years, then about a year ago we started talking again. I've had a few girlfriends, she's had a few boyfriends, but it seems like whatever we had didn't really go away. When we talk now, she almost always says something about us breaking up being a mistake and sometimes about me being the one. After dating quite a few girls since her, one very serious, I'm a little scared about still having feelings for her and that it might not go away. She has a boyfriend right now, and my dilemma is if I should tell her I still love her or not. Now I know the obvious objections; if she leaves him for me she'll leave me for someone, there's lots of great single girls out there, I'm wasting my time on something that didn't work before, she's just trying to control me, etc. Oh, and she lives pretty far away from me, so it's not like we can just hang out and see how it goes. Basically there's a ton of reasons to not tell her, but I feel like I'll always regret it if I don't. Any opinions/advice would be appreciated, but please spare me the generic "get over it and move on."
BackonTrack2 Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 get over it and move on. ps her BF has nothing to do with anything.
Author hhr2001 Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 get over it and move on. ps her BF has nothing to do with anything. great advice, you should go pro
BCCA Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Honestly, there are a lot of obstacles in your way, and to be frank, are you sure you still love her, or do you just have some feelings there and arent sure where theyll lead? Lets start with the first part: obstacles. She lives far away, she has a boyfriend, you really haven't been in close contact for so long that you really dont know her as well anymore, and you would be sticking your neck out on the chopping block by telling her you love her. If she broke up with her current bf for you it would not mean that she would do the same to you. People leave their gf/bf for an ex all the time, its always part of the risk. Thats why the first couple of questions women ask you is how many people have you slept with, and do you still talk to your ex's (usually in that order for me). Now, if she was sleeping around with behind his back, thats another story... Now lets get to the love. I'm going to be straight with you, I always feel like where there is a will, there is a way. Why wasn't there a will 4 years ago? Was it because you were both too young to settle down, but now you feel like you are? I'm just warning you not to jump too quickly to feeling like youre in love again, because you are more than likely in love with your memories of her from 4 years ago. Things could be much different now. I'm not trying to rain on any parades, Im just trying to give you things to think about. Just be careful. To tell her or not to tell her... That's a question you have to answer for yourself. Just think worse case scenario, and if you can honestly handle each and every bad thing that could come as a result of this, then you may decide to roll the dice. You never know, she could feel the same way, but she could also be happy to have you as a friend, and telling her you love her could throw that for a loop. And you have to be ready for good conseqeunces as well. If she feels the same way, what are you going to do? Surely, you cant live worlds apart and maintain a meaningful relationship. There are a lot of things to consider, but dont do what anyone else tells you on this one, you absolutely have to do exactly what your gut tells you to. Good luck!
lofi_tokyo Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Personally, I think if she wasn't dating it would be worth giving a shot. BCCA makes some good points about how she wont be the same person you fell in love with years ago but hey, thats half the fun! You have someone familiar enough to get close with, you know her general likes and dislikes, but because time has passed, you get part of that new relationship feel all over again. Honestly, I'm a big fan of second chances years after a breakup happens - but only if both people are single and the magic is happening again. Since shes dating someone right now, its not really the best time to put your feelings on the line. Thats the problem with second chances after years and years - they can work out great but... its all about timing. Both people need to be single and happy in their own lives and kind of need to stumble back into liking each other, I think. Thats why successful second chances are so rare - not because of lack of interest after years, but because people just move on and the stars never really line up for them again. So I guess... you can try reaching out now, but since shes with someone else, you're taking a huge chance at rejection and future awkward moments. Id tell you to wait it out and see what happens but waiting on love is never a good thing. Best chance is, move on, see if you and her come into eachothers lives again in the future, but don't hold out on it.
MTinLove Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I think you should be honest and tell her you love her. It seems like she loves you too, but maybe afraid of telling you. I know it sounds awful to some people, because she has a boyfriend, but I believe in true love and fate. Your reconnection with her and rekindled feelings may be a sign that you're meant to be together. My only concern would be that she would feel guilty for leaving her boyfriend for you[url=http://www.dontforward.com/2005/01/rekindling-old-flame.htm][/url]. If I were in your shoes, I would tell her I love her, but make sure she knows you will support her relationship with her current boyfriend if she chooses to stay with him (after all, if you truly do love her, you will support her, even when she is not with you). You might also find this article interesting: http://www.dontforward.com/2005/01/rekindling-old-flame.htm
Author hhr2001 Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 Great advice all, I truly appreciate it. It turns out I have business next week near where she lives, so I should have a chance to see her. My current plan is to hang out with her and try to get some kind of vibe as to how she feels. I'm hoping it will be obvious one way or another, but worst case I think I'll just tell her everything if I'm not sure how she feels. I'm hoping I'm not in too deep and that I'll be able to handle a negative answer if that's how it is. At the very least it will give me closure to move on again, and I won't have to be "waiting on love." BCCA, it is entirely possible that I am in love with memories, and I appreciate the directness. I may be looking through rose-colored glasses, but I am attracted to the fact that we share so many values, goals, ideals, etc. Every girl I have dated has shared some of these with me, but with this girl it's like everything matches up, if that makes sense. I feel like now is as good a time as ever, she's looking for a new job and isn't fully settled into her life. She's even asked me to help her find a job in my area(although I still live where we went to college, so I don't read too much into it), so I think we could solve the "good consequences." I feel bad that she has a boyfriend, but I feel like this could be my last shot before she gets settled.
The Seeker Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Wow, your story is practically the same as mine, except in my case she doesn't have a boyfriend and it's only been 3 years since college ended. We just started talking about 2 months ago, when she moved about 50 minutes away from me ... it may not be as far as you but it sure feels like it might as well be sometimes. I feel like she's been giving me some mixed signals lately, and I got a pretty awkward vibe last time I saw her, but everybody here has made some good points (especially tokyo). You might as well go for it, you never know what will happen. I think I am going to, as well, next time I see her. Just get it out in the open, better than keeping those feelings bottle up. Hopefully you (and I) will be pleasantly surprised.
Author hhr2001 Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 So I called her the other day to let her know I'd be in her area. She got really excited about hanging out, and we talked about a lot of other stuff as well. We were interrupted, but then she called me back to continue the conversation. Somehow we got talking about relationships, and she mentioned that her boyfriend said he was thinking about proposing to her...She asked me what I thought about it, and I just told her I don't know the guy so I have no clue if it's a good idea. She kept pushing me for my opinion and eventually I told her not to marry him, but didn't give her a reason. She said she's not 100% sure about the guy, but she would probably say yes. We talked for a while about marriage in general, and I told her there was only one girl I ever loved enough to possibly marry, but I missed my chance. She asked me a lot who it was, and I made it realllllly obvious it was her, but I never said it directly. She told me a few times I should tell that person because they might feel the same way. She even told me a few times that I was the "perfect boyfriend" but we had bad timing(she had just ended a bad long term relationship a few months before we dated). Our call was interrupted again and we said goodnight. Then I forgot all my patience and called her back and told her the girl was her...She said it was a good thing, but she had to think, and we said goodbye again. She called me the next afternoon and told me she wasn't freaked out - turns out her boyfriend was sitting right next to her when I told her everything. Somehow we didn't talk much about the situation, but we talked for a bit about other stuff. I didn't want to push her because I know it was a lot to absorb, but I kinda wish I asked her how she felt about it. That was a few days ago, and now I'm not sure if I should see her this upcoming weekend. It won't be cheap or easy to meet her, and I'm worried all it will lead to is disappointment. I'm very confident (maybe over-confident) that her seeing me would lead to something, but I put myself out there already, and I feel like I should wait to see her feelings before I try to make another move. I texted her this morning that maybe it's not a good idea for us to hang out next weekend, to try to get an idea of her feelings. I definitely don't want to get into game playing, but I'm feeling a bit vulnerable after putting myself out there. I haven't heard back yet... Right now I'm trying to take the approach that no answer is a no, so that I can move on and not worry about it, but it's hard to actually do with everything unresolved. Opinions? Should I still try to meet up with her? Or should I wait things out and give her time to digest everything? Thanks!
northstar1 Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 So I called her the other day to let her know I'd be in her area. She got really excited about hanging out, and we talked about a lot of other stuff as well. We were interrupted, but then she called me back to continue the conversation. Somehow we got talking about relationships, and she mentioned that her boyfriend said he was thinking about proposing to her...She asked me what I thought about it, and I just told her I don't know the guy so I have no clue if it's a good idea. She kept pushing me for my opinion and eventually I told her not to marry him, but didn't give her a reason. She said she's not 100% sure about the guy, but she would probably say yes. We talked for a while about marriage in general, and I told her there was only one girl I ever loved enough to possibly marry, but I missed my chance. She asked me a lot who it was, and I made it realllllly obvious it was her, but I never said it directly. She told me a few times I should tell that person because they might feel the same way. She even told me a few times that I was the "perfect boyfriend" but we had bad timing(she had just ended a bad long term relationship a few months before we dated). Our call was interrupted again and we said goodnight. Then I forgot all my patience and called her back and told her the girl was her...She said it was a good thing, but she had to think, and we said goodbye again. She called me the next afternoon and told me she wasn't freaked out - turns out her boyfriend was sitting right next to her when I told her everything. Somehow we didn't talk much about the situation, but we talked for a bit about other stuff. I didn't want to push her because I know it was a lot to absorb, but I kinda wish I asked her how she felt about it. That was a few days ago, and now I'm not sure if I should see her this upcoming weekend. It won't be cheap or easy to meet her, and I'm worried all it will lead to is disappointment. I'm very confident (maybe over-confident) that her seeing me would lead to something, but I put myself out there already, and I feel like I should wait to see her feelings before I try to make another move. I texted her this morning that maybe it's not a good idea for us to hang out next weekend, to try to get an idea of her feelings. I definitely don't want to get into game playing, but I'm feeling a bit vulnerable after putting myself out there. I haven't heard back yet... Right now I'm trying to take the approach that no answer is a no, so that I can move on and not worry about it, but it's hard to actually do with everything unresolved. Opinions? Should I still try to meet up with her? Or should I wait things out and give her time to digest everything? Thanks! We good luck..........but tread carefully. You definitely don't want to play games. I would be a small bit concerned that she is wanting you to put yourself out there emotionally and admit to her that you still have feelings, all the while she has a bf. It's not fair to anyone involved, as I see it. Also, the fact she said she's not 100% sure about this guy, but would probably say yes if he proposed to her? That also seems a bit problematic from my angle. Hey, I wish you luck on this one, and maybe it will have a happy ending, the one a lot of us would crave, but just really take a good look at this before you go forward any further.
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