Jamez123 Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I was in this relationship with a beautiful girl for a year. It was perfect, well for most of it anyway. The first 6 months were amazing, we never argued or fell out and we were always so happy together - despite seeing each other basically everyday! Unforunately, reality began to kick in after the first 6 months - naturally, as we saw each other everyday - surely a big mistake. Anyway, we were still madly in love however and she reminded me occasionally of how i meant the world to her and she loved me so much, and i did likewise. Eventually however, she began to detect my terrible flaws - i was judgemental of people, i always argued with her interests and i put down her friends. Now who the hell wants that in a relationship?? Nobody. Bless her heart for putting up with me though - shows how much she wanted things to sort out. About a month ago, she told me 'I don't love you anymore' and as heartbreaking as it was, and still is, i don't blame her, because i always promised i'd change for her and i never ****ing did So yeah, you'll probably hate me by now and not give a care in the world - but apart from my flaws everything was still good with us. I've changed now though and she knows it, and since the breakup we've seen each other a few times and been closer than ever, we've been talking about everything and not had one arguement whatsoever. She's really glad i'm different now. Now this probably seems like the perfect oppurtunity for me to try and get her back, but it's not that simple, because when she first split up with me, she told me that we'd never get back together again. I'm so deeply in love with her and i know that if we ever got back together, things would be how they were when we first began going out. I'm just so uncertain how to ever get back to that stage and i was wondering if there was anybody out there who's been though anything similar at all. I want her back so badly and i just want to know if there's anything i need to do, or not do in order to get a good chance of getting her back. By the way, if anyone's going to reply saying 'move on', please don't bother.
samspade Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 By the way, if anyone's going to reply saying 'move on', please don't bother. This is like asking how to lose your nicotine addiction but saying "just don't tell me to quit smoking." You shouldn't ask for advice if you can't handle hearing it. I won't bother to tell you to move on, because you're determined to sabotage any chance you have by scheming and chasing someone who does not want to be with you. When it's all over and you're twice as heartbroken, and she's completely out of your life, you'll realize you could have used your time trying to parlay your personal improvements into an LTR with a new chick who actually cares about you. Good luck.
Konfuzion Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I vote for tell her how you feel. I also told me ex that I would never ever get back together with her, in fact I told her I never wanted to talk to her or see her again... And then I posted this look What I am saying is people change, and people change there mind. Ask her, tell her how you feel and ask her to think about it and then give her space. And if not then see the above advice and move on.
lofi_tokyo Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Before we get to believing in second chances for you and your ex just yet, let us analyze a few things you've said, Jamez: You mention how: "Unforunately, reality began to kick in after the first 6 months" Then later say: "i know that if we ever got back together, things would be how they were when we first began going out" So lets get this straight. You want to get back together with her, with the expectation that your relationship would be disconnected from reality? I'm sorry but that in itself is a really unrealistic expectation. Furthermore, a healthy relationship looks towards the future, it does not live in the past. You are looking to get back to the past! As F. Scott Fitzgerald said wrote: "So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." Its a painful note on nostalgia, and constantly trying to get the past back. Sadly "Time is the longest distance between two places" (Tenessee Williams). You're never going to get back to that. What you experienced was a honeymoon period. You are meeting someone new, they person fascinates you, they have so much to share, so much to smile at, so much to fall in love with. The thing is, you get to know a person after a while and as you so elegantly said "reality begins to kick in". Thats right, the veil comes off and you see everything for it is. Is that bad? No and yes. For some, the relationship grows, for others, the relationship falters. Generally, the relationship begins to erode, as yours did. Now, you MAYBE will get together with your ex. But lets be honest here... those first 6 months you had you are NOT going to relive, unless its in your memories. You both know each other now. Thats the reality. Okay so now that I've addressed that, lets move onto answering your question - what can you do/what shouldnt you do if you want to get her back? Question 1: How long has it been since you broke up? If the answer is under a year, then you get another question: Do you a) want to get her back, date a little while, break up later, or do you b) want to get her back and have a serious shot at a long-term loving relationship? If the answer is a) I'm too lazy to give advice. lol If the answer is b) Then my advice is wait until a year has passed to get her back. You MAY THINK you have changed in under that amount of time. You MAY BELIEVE you see what you need to change to be with her. But here is the thing, here is the thing that makes outcome A different from outcome B - honest to goodness growth. That takes time. Its not enough to simply see a mistake and say you'll change it - its growing up more, learning more, over time, and someday getting that second chance. I guess thats my only main question. If you and her have broken up, seen other people, lived and learned, and something is brewing again... then that is GREAT! And you know, in that case you can get your honeymoon phase again, because after a long time and after people grow, you get to rediscover them as people all over again! But, if you just broke up, and want her back? I'm sorry but I really sincerely believe your odds are limited. You MAY end up together with her again, but not for long. When people break up its because they are not compatible, only if theyre lucky, and over time, their needs in a relationship change, and they as people grow, do 2nd chances work. (Imho).
Author Jamez123 Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 Thanks Konfuzion . . . i read your post and it's inspired me to do the same thing. By the way did your ex actually choose to take you back ?
Author Jamez123 Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 Thanks Tokyovogue, i really appreciate the long reply and all the help
lakerlover Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 it seems to me that you both still have deep feelings for each other and it is worth your effort to try to get her back. You will def need to work on your faults about the judgmental thing, women can't stand that, and rightfully so, no one is perfect in this world. Learn to accept people for who they are. It can be rewarding not only in your love life but in all areas of your life. Basically, everything you mentioned about your faults is main reasons why women leave men. You must commit yourself to drastically changing these areas of your life. You will be a happier person for it.
samspade Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 because when she first split up with me, she told me that we'd never get back together again. You need a reality check. You have a very minimal chance at best of resuming your romantic relationship with your ex. Sure, you two are hanging out and "closer than ever." Do you know why? Because she dumped you, and you are absolving her of any guilt she was feeling by showing that you're okay with being platonic friends. You've excused her, and she can keep you around as an attention-feeding male while she's out looking for a less-supplicating guy. The first 6 months were amazing, we never argued or fell out and we were always so happy together - despite seeing each other basically everyday! Unforunately, reality began to kick in after the first 6 months - naturally, as we saw each other everyday - surely a big mistake. Anyway, we were still madly in love however and she reminded me occasionally of how i meant the world to her and she loved me so much, and i did likewise. This was why it ended. You spent way too much time and attention on this girl, and she became desensitized to your romantic ways. She got bored with you, pal. Whatever flaws she called you out on when she finally broke up with you were probably secondary excuses to make you the bad guy - more break-up-with-able, if you will. The real reason was that you stopped being the man who got her juices flowing and started acting like a total wuss. It's not her fault, though - it's yours, for not tempering your attention and emotions. If you really want to show her how much you've changed, you'll have to show by example. Find another girl or girls and show that you're not the little boy she thought you were. If you can handle being friends with her, more power to you, but the only way you'll light that fire again is if she sees you with another lovely lady on your arm. Show that you know how to be romantic MAN without being smothering. Then she might - MIGHT - want you back. But by then, you'll be up to your cowlick in women, so you can decide whether she's still worth your time.
Author Jamez123 Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 Well, earlier today i phoned her and told her i wanted to meet her for a walk and to talk to her. She was like 'what about' . . . i didn't say anything and then she guessed and said 'is it about us?' i said 'yeah it is' - my voice trembling. She then told me 'you need to get over me' and i then told her 'Well, I don't think we can see each other anymore because i'm still deeply in love with you, and seeing you only heightens my emotions and enhances the pain, and i'm gonna have to delete your msn and everything'. And she empathised with me and agreed it would be best. So i think that's my best bet really, and maybe i can call her sometime near christmas and ask to meet her, see how she feels. What does everybody think of that?
samspade Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I think you're on the right track. I always advise to just delete them and let them contact you if they want (and ignore those overtures), but in your case you've already been in touch with her and it's obviously tearing you apart. Telling her that you're not over her gives her a lot of power, but at least she'll hopefully understand why you need space and leave you alone. Go out with your buddies. They should be setting you up with hot new babes. It's okay if you need to feel bad for a little while, but being active is a great antidote for misery. If you're feeling weak, just tell your guy friends, "I need your help. I need to get over my ex. Stop me from contacting her if I try, and help me meet some new women. Buy me a lap dance or something." This is what your guy friends are for!
BCCA Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Well, earlier today i phoned her and told her i wanted to meet her for a walk and to talk to her. She was like 'what about' . . . i didn't say anything and then she guessed and said 'is it about us?' i said 'yeah it is' - my voice trembling. She then told me 'you need to get over me' and i then told her 'Well, I don't think we can see each other anymore because i'm still deeply in love with you, and seeing you only heightens my emotions and enhances the pain, and i'm gonna have to delete your msn and everything'. And she empathised with me and agreed it would be best. So i think that's my best bet really, and maybe i can call her sometime near christmas and ask to meet her, see how she feels. What does everybody think of that? The response you got is pretty much what can be expected. She doesn't want to talk about you two anymore, thats why youre broken up. Furthermore, I'm sure she thought that by breaking up with you, she would be obsolved from having to have any more discussions with you, unless it was on her terms. you need to get over me Harsh, but there is your answer. At least it was straight forward, there is not a lot of room for misunderstanding there. I wouldn't even bother thinking about calling her ever again. Its really pointless, and will only keep setting you back. If she has something to say to you, she'll let you know. In the future, I wouldnt take such a (please, Im not being mean, I do the same thing, but Im learning) flimsy stance. You have to just tell her if she wants you in her life, then she needs to talk with you, at least to hear you out, and if not, good luck. You cant come off like youre asking her pretty please if she has time please talk with you and hear your heartfelt words, because shes going to say no 999/1000 times. First, she doesnt want to feel guilty, and second, no woman wants a man who is emotional. We're supposed to be the strong ones that women can look up to for strength when theyre emotional. Please, I know what youre going through, but you really have to let this one go. She isnt interested in talking things over and will only keep making you feel like crap if you contact her. Dont call or check in with her again, ever. I know people dont like to hear that, but its really your best bet. I promise that if you do call her around xmas, its going to be terrible and youll wish you hadnt.
You'reasian Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I was in this relationship with a beautiful girl for a year. It was perfect, well for most of it anyway. The first 6 months were amazing, we never argued or fell out and we were always so happy together - despite seeing each other basically everyday! Unforunately, reality began to kick in after the first 6 months - naturally, as we saw each other everyday - surely a big mistake. Anyway, we were still madly in love however and she reminded me occasionally of how i meant the world to her and she loved me so much, and i did likewise. Eventually however, she began to detect my terrible flaws - i was judgemental of people, i always argued with her interests and i put down her friends. Now who the hell wants that in a relationship?? Nobody. Bless her heart for putting up with me though - shows how much she wanted things to sort out. About a month ago, she told me 'I don't love you anymore' and as heartbreaking as it was, and still is, i don't blame her, because i always promised i'd change for her and i never ****ing did So yeah, you'll probably hate me by now and not give a care in the world - but apart from my flaws everything was still good with us. I've changed now though and she knows it, and since the breakup we've seen each other a few times and been closer than ever, we've been talking about everything and not had one arguement whatsoever. She's really glad i'm different now. Now this probably seems like the perfect oppurtunity for me to try and get her back, but it's not that simple, because when she first split up with me, she told me that we'd never get back together again. I'm so deeply in love with her and i know that if we ever got back together, things would be how they were when we first began going out. I'm just so uncertain how to ever get back to that stage and i was wondering if there was anybody out there who's been though anything similar at all. I want her back so badly and i just want to know if there's anything i need to do, or not do in order to get a good chance of getting her back. By the way, if anyone's going to reply saying 'move on', please don't bother. Hang out with your friends and move on with your life. Look forward, not backward - find yourself a new girl. Good luck
Konfuzion Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Thanks Konfuzion . . . i read your post and it's inspired me to do the same thing. By the way did your ex actually choose to take you back ? Well the post I pointed you to I made on 10/25/08 so just a few days ago, so she is still thinking about it all. As of yet I have not heard anything on the subject from her, but I am glad that at least she does have to give it this much thought and it wasn't a quick "no". When we did break up it was very confusing for me (I have mild psychic ability, and when I have a feeling its spot on) because the first second I saw her I told my friend "Oh sh*t, I am going to marry that girl" and I still feel like we are supposed to be together... Well its more than a feeling its more of a knowingness, so for me I know we will be together I just hope its sooner than later.
Author Jamez123 Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 Well the post I pointed you to I made on 10/25/08 so just a few days ago, so she is still thinking about it all. As of yet I have not heard anything on the subject from her, but I am glad that at least she does have to give it this much thought and it wasn't a quick "no". When we did break up it was very confusing for me (I have mild psychic ability, and when I have a feeling its spot on) because the first second I saw her I told my friend "Oh sh*t, I am going to marry that girl" and I still feel like we are supposed to be together... Well its more than a feeling its more of a knowingness, so for me I know we will be together I just hope its sooner than later. Well yeah, it was sorta exactly the same with me and her . . from the very first moment i saw her i knew it was meant to be, and so did she . . . and i was exactly the same -telling my mates i was going to marry her aswell! But yeah, even before i'd met her and even spoken to her when all i'd seen was this beautiful myspace pic of her, my 'mild psych powers' told me how we'd be together soon and they worked! I feel them now telling me we'll get back together aswell. Anyway, Literally 2 days after meeting her, we kissed and ended up going out and it was just fantastic and she constantly reminded me of how 'i was perfect' and she couldn't believe how we never argued once or anything of the sort . . . It's just i'm so over protective about her going places and stuff, and all the flaws i mentioned, and also erm a bit. . .clingy =/ and i think that's what eventually broke us up. . . However she could be really clingy, for example when she went out to party's, she'd come to my house telling me she needed me and stuff and i mean EVERY single time she went out, she'd have to come here afterwards. I think that's the reason i'm so reluctant to moving on, because we definately were so truly, deeply in love and i know for a fact that neither of us could ever feel the same with anyone else. Aswell as that, she always seems always upset about telling me we can never get back together . . . as if someones forcing her to say that or something, rather than her making the decision herself. I just feel it's really wrong to move on at the moment for some stupid reason . . . the way i see it is that eventually, with no contact, she might miss me and develop feelings again and want me back . . .possibly. I'm probably just a coward though, as i'm not experienced with relationships whatsoever =/ I hope everything works out with you two, it also sounds like it's meant to be, with you guys aswell. Is this something every relationship goes through, and it's just something that needs to be resolved? It's really weird talking to someone from the USA by the way! I've never actually spoken to anyone outside england before haha. . . that is if you are from California, as it says on your thing!
Author Jamez123 Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 Just one last thing i forgot to mention . . . on the day she dumped me, she cried more than i did and literally held on to me for hours, telling me 'she loves me so much' and 'i'm still the most important person to her' . . . when i walked her back home, she held my hand and kissed me on the lips when i went. It all seemed so unconventional and as if dumping me was the last thing she wanted to do. Does anybody know what that could mean
samspade Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Just one last thing i forgot to mention . . . on the day she dumped me, she cried more than i did and literally held on to me for hours, telling me 'she loves me so much' and 'i'm still the most important person to her' . . . when i walked her back home, she held my hand and kissed me on the lips when i went. It all seemed so unconventional and as if dumping me was the last thing she wanted to do. Does anybody know what that could mean Yes. It means it was emotional and sad for her and she knew she was hurting you. She was also trying to give you as soft a landing as possible. When one person dumps another, the dumper still feels some guilt and sadness. That doesn't mean they don't want to break up. The fact that she told you you're "still the most important person" to her means ZERO right now. Her words are meaningless. Her actions speak volumes. She chose to leave you. Think about what THAT could mean. Also, you calling her clingy...you're shifting some blame here. If she got clingy, you also ALLOWED her to be clingy. She was subconsciously testing you, and you responded by showing her that your entire life revolved around her and her happiness. This is why she started to see you as just another boring schmuck. If she was coming over every day, you should have been a man about it and said "I'm busy today, how about this weekend?" instead of making yourself so available. Now you see what happens when your whole life revolves around one thing, be it your significant other, your job, one hobby, etc. The minute it's taken away, you feel like you have nothing. Learn from this and start building a more interesting life so that one piece taken away won't make the whole thing collapse like a Jenga tower.
Author Jamez123 Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 Yeah, i think you are definately right there samspade, i knew i was allowing her to be too clingy but i was blind to the fact that actually that'd eventually mess things up. My mum said exactly the same thing to me she said 'Don't let your life revolve around her and don't always allow her to just be able to see you whenever she feels like it', but i ignored her thinking i was right and she wasn't. It was the first real loving relationship i'd ever had and i just don't think i was experienced enough to really keep it on track. All my faults have become so crystal clear to me now and it's really taught me a big lesson. At the moment, I just feel so determined to show her how different i can be, because aswell as being a prick sometimes i was really nice to her and so caring and i was the first person she'd ever come to when she was upset about things. I'm still sticking to this complete shutting off from one another thing though and maybe she'll realise that she wants me back, who knows. . . i'm not saying she will, i just know her so, so well and i can see a possibility maybe.
torranceshipman Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Hey James, She told you to get over her, after you'd expressed you love for her, so she couldntve found a clearer way of saying its over!-she's moved on. If you hold on to the hope of getting back with her, it'll hurt you for so long, a shes made it clear she wont want to get back together with you again. If you 100% treat this like its 100% over, then at east you can grieve and move on heathily and in time meet a lovey new girl, rather than staying in limbo hoping to get the girl back, when she isnt thinking the same. I know its tough, tho! I'd definitely have cried like her when splitting up with an ex, if I truly loved that ex but didnt want to be in a romantic R with that person-as I'd feel so guilty for hurting them! Just shows that she has respect and empathy, and its quite normal for a girl to act this way. Shows you were with a nice girl so I hope the next girl you meet is just as lovely! Good luck!
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