cherrymoon Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 quick question, Hubby got request from his first love to be friend on facebook. she has no other friends and went looking for him. need to handle with care Sorry posted on other site as well
carhill Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Some background: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t159216/ Not particularly unexpected. How are things going these days? How's the NC with the OM going? Are you still in counseling?
whichwayisup Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Make a rule when it comes to facebook or any other social network sites you both join. NO ex's.
fingersniffer Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 are you not the person to have an affair or have I got this wrong? All you seem to do is use his "vices" (not the rite word, but its early and I cant think strait) like porn and facebook. Come on - are you using the avenues that you used to find an affair as a stick to beat on your husband? give him a break, he didnt go looking for her did he - oh, and he told you too did he? or are you snooping on him? Again, funny behaviour for someome that had an affair isnt it?
Island Girl Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 are you not the person to have an affair or have I got this wrong? All you seem to do is use his "vices" (not the rite word, but its early and I cant think strait) like porn and facebook. Come on - are you using the avenues that you used to find an affair as a stick to beat on your husband? I believe the OP and her husband have both had affairs -- not that it matters. When two people agree to move on after an affair the marriage needs to be focused on and repaired. Both people need to work on the relationship and outside factors that would interfere in ANY marriage as in exs, etc. need to be avoided by BOTH people. give him a break, he didnt go looking for her did he - oh, and he told you too did he? or are you snooping on him? Again, funny behaviour for someome that had an affair isnt it? So what you are saying is once someone has an affair their expectations in the marriage are changed forever and they need to just accept things that would be major red flags to anyone else?
Author cherrymoon Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 Thanks everyone, firstly yeah the internet plays a huge part in this house and before I start shouting my head off or making demands that I don't have a right too I ask on here first that is all. There is no trouble between us about the facebook issue. I just find it rather bad timing and a little uncomfortable, that this woman has signed up on facebook and has only one friend on her site and that is him and yes she went looking for him. I guarantee she has heard we were in trouble. She is married with kids herself. There was no snooping he told me last night and commented on the fact that she has no other friends I pointed out that she obviously went looking for him,he agreed. He has said he will take her off his list. I said no, not at all, and haven't made an issue of it. Our marrige is very fragile but is going considerably well and we are making huge head way the porn knocked me back but we worked through that and talked it out I am ok and I understand. I was hugely upset by it and didn't understand why he had lied about it for all the years. This is just something I asked as I don't want to say no she can't be your friend. I just find it strange that the only person she went looking for was him. I don 't have to snoop as once he accepted her on facebook it showed up on mine so even if he was trying to hide it he couldn't. This is the oddest place to be in things that never bothered me seem to mess up my head and the same with him. Sometimes the insanity of all that has happened clouds our judgement that is why I post. Giving him a break is not an issue as I don't chase him around the place nagging him. If i wanted to bitch or make him out to be the bad one I would not be using such stupid things as facebook. I want this marriage and I certainly don't want to do what I have always done which was say nothing and let the resentment build up. I have told him I think it is rather strange that the only friend she has is him that she went looking only for him and that to be cautious as to me it looks odd. The porn, I asked that if this is an avenue that he choses that as long as it doesn't disrupt our sex life, he didn't download stuff and that it wasn't kept as some dirty secret then I had no issue. As for Om I have made no contact for almost a year and haven't seen him in over a year. I did not respond when he emailed me last month.I have blocked him on everything so he cannot contact me and i have changed my phone number. He as far as I know and believe H has had no contact with OW since july. The broke up last march but i know that they remained in contact for a few weeks after he and I got back together. He and I spoke this morning and I told him I fear that we won't make it as I don't know how he can forgive me and he said "do I not understand that he has done things nearly as bad and that we are both giving each other another chance." He wants this as much as I do. I really trust him I know he won't intentionally mess this up but I really am p'd off that this woman contacted him and only him. Personally I am thinking bored housewife etc. Fingersniffer I don't get what you mean about the avenues I used to have an affair. I never used the internet to carry out or find OM. I come here and I ask what you guys think or ask how I should handle it as I want to make all the right and fair decisions. i appreciate all replies even the ones that see me as something I don't believe I am. My H is amazing I adore him for all that he is doing to fix us the issue of this girl on facebook is not about him but about dealing with a woman who has come out of the blue 17yrs after they split up looking for him and only him????? Look at 2 other posts on this forum that has 2 separate couples in serious trouble because first loves have come looking for their partners. Something in the air maybe. thanks again
Author cherrymoon Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 Island girl that is it exactly. Thank you
whichwayisup Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 He has said he will take her off his list. Let him do that. There's no reason why they should be friends, that's why I said to make the rule no ex's, let alone 1st loves from the past. Don't try to be the hero here and say "oh it's OK, I trust you." IF this woman KNOWS about your marital problems, she could try to befriend him, last thing you need to deal with is her trying to get closer to your husband, to try to 'save' him, be his shoulder, someone he can talk to.. There's no reason for them to be friends. If he wants new friendships, he should be friends with men, not women. Listen to your gut, if you find it odd that he's the only one on her friends list, well, chances are she IS looking for something, whether it be online flirting, an ego feed, or possibly feeling out the situation at home for him. Tell him you've rethought things and it would be best if he told her no ex's from the past..And then he can delete her.
Author cherrymoon Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 Thank you so much whichway that is exactly what i needed to hear. thank you for getting that the issue wasn't with him but with the situation that has arisen We talked about it last night and he said he had been thinking about it and that it was odd that there was no one else but him and that he now was no longer comfortable with the situation. For me it is just bouncing my gut feelings out there and with your help and others making the right decisions. Thanks again you were so clear and completely on track. thanks
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