n9688m Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I still can't understand pulling or drifting away, in response, as opposed to trying to make the best and most out of those visits. I could understand a dad hoping his refusal to be part of such a situation might make the mom feel guilty and reconsider. I could also see the damage to the dad's ego being so strong that it overwhelms his interest in his kids. The emotions of being deemed by a court to be valuable only as an uncle but not as a dad must be beyond belief. I think this is an often untold backdrop to all we read about "deadbeat dads" so often.
Author Spinning Head Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 My husband can be as involved with the children as he chooses. It is up to him. In fact, I mentioned to him that on Halloween I was taking them trick or treating then to a Halloween party afterwards and he was welcomed to join us as well as attend the party. His first response was that he did not realize Halloween was on Friday. Last night he told me that he wanted to go out to a place - which I told him was fine with me. Legal and physical custody, in my state, merely means that the children reside primarily with one parent and that parent makes decisions regarding their health, well-being, etc. Child support is for the children and is based off the parents' gross income with adjustments for health insurance and daycare costs. The bottom number is pulled from child support guidelines. In my state, a parent cannot be ordered to pay for private school costs unless you can prove that the private school provides something that the public school does not provide. Alimony is for the spouse and its intent is to maintain the financially dependent spouse in his/her accustomed standard of living from the marriage. Alimony is not granted as often as it used to be by the courts and you really only see if with respect to marriages that are many years old and the dependent spouse did not work. It is not my nature to fight over property/debt issues. I do feel guilty over wanting the marriage to end - although, we both have been happy for a very long time. We discussed how to resolve our property issues and have agreed upon how to do it. I do make more money than my husband (not substantially more); however, there has been a financial strain on me since May which is when we decided to separate and he stopped assisting with household expenses. My husband told me that I would fail in raising the kids. My business takes a great deal of my time and I've had to cut back on my work since we separated because of my children. I believe you 'pick your battles' and financial issues are not a battle that I care to fight. Am I stressed out about money? Yes! Is it unfair that I am paying all expenses related to the children? Yes! But, my concern at this point is the relationship he has with the children - not the money he pays to me. I did tell my husband last night that I was very angry about his lack of involvement with the kids. I also told him that his son does not care to visit with him. My son is a 'momma's boy' (he's only 3) but my son needs a male influence in his life and that is his dad. I explained that to him as well. But, the response I got was that my husband wanted to go out on Halloween night so my comments went nowhere.
n9688m Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Legal and physical custody, in my state, merely means that the children reside primarily with one parent and that parent makes decisions regarding their health, well-being, etc. Thus the other parent has no right to jointly make decisions regarding education, health, and religious issues? What state is that?
amaysngrace Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Thus the other parent has no right to jointly make decisions regarding education, health, and religious issues? What state is that? It could very well be New Jersey. Spinning Head, I know where you're coming from as far as him being disinterested in the children. My exH was and still is a dad like that. I let him know what's going on and what he decides to do is his decision. It's almost three years since our divorce was finalized and he has bouts of interest and then again disinterest. You can talk to him until you are blue in the face about his parenting (or lack thereof) and how it is affecting the children but if he doesn't get it on his own you pretty much just have to accept it. I know that it's frustrating but you alone can't change him into somebody he's not. And chances are he's always going to be the same guy. I feel for you. It's hard when both parents aren't on the same page. Oh and your husband is wrong about you failing to do a good job. IMO you already are.
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