ugh. relationship dragging on?

[new--01]

hello, i was looking for advice and stumbled upon this site. i created an account quickly so i could hopefully solve some answers. so here goes..

 

my girlfriend and i have been dating for just about two years. we have broken up twice for about a month each time. i'm 19, she is 18. both in college.. i feel like i missed out on the best years of high school by being tied down and now i am starting to feel the same about college. i really want to meet and date other people, at the same time i can't hide my feelings for my gf. about a month ago we finally said the big words i love you. we both know that we do not want to get married or anything that serious. i love being with her but i also really want to date other girls. i am not going to cheat, never have never will. do i just sound like a jerk? i guess i want my cake and eat it too. i can't decide what to do. i do love her, but i really don't like being tied down anymore. i feel like i'm missing out on alot of opportunities to have fun with other girls. the biggest problem i have with breaking up with her is that i don't want to hurt her. both previous times we broke up it was me and i hate myself for it. another part is i still want to be with her, but i think i want to be single a little more....

 

someone to talk to would be nice. just getting this off my chest hopefully will help make it more clear to me what to do. thank you

[Nikki Sahagin]

The single life is very much over-rated. Consider all the single people feeling lonely, disenchanted and bored. There may be plenty of fish in the sea but let's be real you're more likely to real in a trout than a dolphin

 

You are only young so you may feel you should be experiencing more while you still can but in my mind (and i'm only 19 myself as well) this is often regretable. If you are in love (truly in love) then that comes first. Any other experiences you could have with other girls would only be exciting for a short while and then you may miss what more you had with your girlfriend. Truth is you CAN'T have your cake and eat it too. Sooner or later it will come back to bite you and you'll probably end up with nothing. Make your decision between your girl and others.

 

From my personal experience when I was with my boyfriend, I had temptation and curiosity for other guys. When we broke up that all vanished and I realised how much i'd taken him for granted and how much I truly wanted him. When we got back together, those curiosities and temptations did not resurface. They had been obliterated. Maybe do things with your girlfriend which would make you see how you don't need to feel tied down but that you can fun and enjoy being young together in a relationship.

[BlueDog]

I would do some careful thinking about what these opportunities that you feel like you're missing out on really are. Is it that you definitely want to date other girls, or is it that you feel like you want to be having a more fun college social life? Because if it's the latter, being in a relationship doesn't stop you from having fun with big groups of friends - that should be an important part of your student years. If you are spending too much of your social time one-on-one with your girlfriend, then I would understand why you might feel that you're missing out on some aspects of the college experience, but it's easy to fix and you don't have to break up to manage it. You just have to decide to put more energy into pursuing a full social life, while including your girlfriend in that.

[new--01]

well first, thank you for replying so quickly!

 

and i do see what you are saying. i think i have horrible timing with realtionships. is it just me or does it seem like when you are single there is nobody that is interested in you and as soon as you commit to a relationship for a month 50 people are suddenly all about you?

 

let me put in some more background i guess... not that everything is about sex, but here is some info. when we first started dating, she was extremely unexperienced and shy which honestly didn't bother me (i've been with 4 girls including her so not like i'm all that either). we dated for about 5 months before doing anything besides making out which is how far she had ever gone. finally things started moving a little further and at about the 7 month mark i had been getting frustrated and really wanted to just sleep with someone.. a week or so after that we broke up. for that month apart i had alot of fun messing around with a few girls and slept with one. then for some aparent reason i started thinking about my old gf. somehow we started talking and ended up hanging out again. we talked about how i didn't want to "have a girlfriend" although i stopped seeing anybody else. well about 3 weeks of that and i asked if she would be my girlfriend again. fastforward another month and she was finally ready for us to sleep toghether. things were going great and progressing for 6 months and then i started to get concerned about committment issues (where is this going, do i want do be dating someone this long for how young i am, etc etc) so i kinda freaked myself out and relationship started going downhill again. not too long after i broke up with her again. felt like crap for a week.. then felt even worse for how she felt.. we talked about my fear of committment and ended up reconciling again. so since then we have been doing well for the most part.

 

now here comes in the part about me wanting more. i dunno what more to add right now.. any suggestions nikki or anyone else on ideas to sort of liven it up again to us having fun and getting rid of these ideas from my head?

[new--01]

bluedog: i am referring to the first part, i feel like i'm missing out on other things with other girls. well i guess at the same time both of what you said. we see each other every single day basically and i find us not doing anything with other people which can be ok but maybe i'm getting bored with that? also, i feel like i can't hang out with my friends without her which sucks. i recently got a motorcycle and my two friends and i have been going out one night a week just cruising around town having fun. one night she got super upset at me and didn't want me to go with them, but i did anyways and she was mad at me.. that didn't really sit well with me that she was being so... "selfish"? but she doesn't ever go hang out with just her friends but i'm not stopping her i dunno why she doesn't.

 

i think she just would rather be with me.. unfortunately i think she likes me more than i like her.. that sound bad, but i think that may be part of the problem...

[M2k]

... i did my time being as my friends used to call me a male whore.. sleeping with a different women or 2 every weekend.. go out have a few drinks .. blah blah... i have been with my girlfriend/fiance for over 3 years now (im only 22) but about january we broke up for a long time .. we continued seeing each other and i can quite honestly say it was the hardest time i have ever had.. we got back together and everything is great now (everlasting love etc etc) either way back to the point .. when i was in my slaggy stage i must have slept with at least 20 women and can say for a fact .. being with someone you love and who loves you is 150% better .. in hindsight i really wouldnt change what i did when i was younger.. but at the same time i urge you to really think about wether it is worth loosing someone who you say you love.. im not for one second saying that you dont .. but in my mind if you really REALLY loved her you wouldnt be on here?

 

perhaps discuss with her the concerns you have about her social life? and yours and try to come to a happy medium.. however annoying it may seem that she always wants to see you.. you WILL miss that when its gone and when you no longer have somone there for you come rain or shine.

[Danielle46]

Not to ignore the intial situation here but I just got a little inspiration that I have kind of been searching for through reading other people's threads:

M2k: I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 4.5 yrs and stuff is rough right now in his life, extraneous things outside of our relationship. So in order for him to get everything in order, we've broken up, hopefully just for the time being. He told me he hopes that this can make us stronger and closer in the end. After seeing that you and your current girlfriend/fiance did the same thing " a break" essentially, and are now back together & better than ever, gives me more hope for me and my boyfriend. My full story can be found in an earlier thread but I just wanted to let you know that I've been searching for someone where a "break" has actually worked out for the best because I have yet to have someone tell me that.

 

Everyone else has been telling me not to count on it.. but after reading about your situation (briefly) I've seen that there is hope especially if the love is strong on both ends.

 

Thank you. =)

[EmperorR]

Ah I was like you, when i wa with my ex I always felt like i wanted to be single sometimes even though I loved her so much. Trust me now that im single it SUCKS, its boring, the single life isn't fun. I feel lonely as hell every single day itching to talk to anyone.

[Peter_pan]

same. i felt that way for ages but didnt talk about it. wish i had seen what i had. you have been with other girls so i guess its different, this was and has been my only gf ever!

[new--01]

i find myself trying to make an argument out of little things lately to try to get mad at each other to further persuade me into what i THINK i want to do.. i think i just need to talk to her about what i'm going through?

 

this is on my mind: where is this going? why am i prolonging the ineviteable breakup? the longer it lasts the worse it's going to be when it DOES happen. what's the point?

[Peter_pan]

tbh mate your not ready to settle down, thats all it is. maybe there is a difference in your personalities and that at this point in time you two are just not meant to be

[new--01]

update: last night was progressive.

 

we sat down and talked about everything pretty much i listed here: long term concerns of mine and how i was panicking a little about being together so long being so young. yadda yadda. anyway.

 

we talked about stuff and discussed options for things to kinda like keep it going and move up the next level to liven everything up again.

 

so far so good. i will keep updated if anything major changes or anything needing more hlep. thank you everybody for the advice and just someone to talk to!

[new--01]

well. that was short lived happiness... i masked the problem for another week

 

i've noticed that when we are together i am different than i have been before.. i don't seem to connect with her like i usually do and small things she does irritates me and i'm not sure why. i keep finding things to argue about. (example.. she was supposed to come over to my parents house with me for dinner tonight. she told me about an hour ago that she couldn't anymore and i blew it up more than i should using as an excuse to argue because i have some blocked up feelings... i think)

 

so now we are still texting and she knows something is wrong..

Her: what's wrong?

Me: i don't know

Her: it's me isn't it?

Her: i feel like i have something to do with it.. i dunno. like i don't know how to explain.

Me: i've been like this the last few weeks, i haven't been feeling like myself lately

Her: i've noticed

Her: it's just like you're not happy with something..

Me: i'm not sure, maybe

Her: i don't know what to do.. like i don't like it when you're like this.. i want you to be happy..

Me: i don't like it either. i don't know what makes me happy right now.

Her: :/

Her: i just want you to be happy..

 

 

and that's where we are right now. i don't know what i want anymore i dont know what to do i dont know.. i just dont know

 

 

edit: oh also, halloween was not helpful. when we discussed about doing social things etc i thought here is a perfect opportunity..... well maybe not.

we went to a party with a friend of mine for about a half an hour.. didn't even dress up the only people there that didn't.. i really just wanted to start mingling and talking to other girls there and wasn't having fun at all.

we decided to leave and ended up going back to my house and going to bed... sucky

[new--01]

yeah. everything kept going downhill...

 

we are on a "break" as of last night.

 

things are not well.

[new--01]

we have been broken up for about two..two and a half weeks now.

 

i feel very lonely at times and really regret it. other times i am happier than ever because i get to meet and get to know new girls but none of it is really going anywhere past that. hmm just writing down my feelings i guess..?

[new--01]

bringing this back...

 

this long period has been good and bad. we still kept in touch and saw each other occasionally as friends. the last month we've been spending alot of time together and have basically un-officially gotten back together. i missed her so much and was not happy without her. dating other girls made it ok for the short time i'd be with them right there that day, as soon as we parted for the night or whatever it was back to feeling something missing.

 

so i finally realized that i needed her. i reached out and she was there waiting just like she said she would be. so we start doing things together and it was going really well. i finally felt ready to make the full committment to be boyfriend/girlfriend again. we took a road trip to las vegas this past weekend and i could tell something was wrong.

 

my plan was to talk to her while we were there about everything.. but she was acting strange. needless to say we didn't have the talk. got back home and she had been distant for three days. i would try to talk to her and get the minimum conversation back.

 

so last night i said i think we should talk about what's happening. she said.. "well i've been thinking alot lately. and i don't think we should get back together anytime soon." this is after 6 months of her wanting me to come back to her and a great month of starting to. after hours of conversation, she now says that she needs time to find out if she wants to do this again.

 

she claims she still loves me. she is afraid of getting hurt again (understandably sure..) she asked me to wait "just a couple more months" like it was no big deal. how can she claim to have these strong feelings for me, which are mutual back, yet she needs a couple more months to try and date other people....?

 

i asked her if she was lying to me. how can she say she loves me.. yet wants to try dating other people.. now especially. after she finally gets what she wants which is me coming back she doesn't want me actually. she has not hardly dated anybody this entire time until now she wants to.

 

i'm at a complete loss. i don't know what to do. i can't let her out of my life again.

[cabarc1]

You know, i was engaged to my ex (who was my first and only everything). I started to want to see other guys and live my life out because i had realized that i hadn't really lived my youth out. Well i had broken up with him before because of the same reason. I had never experienced anything else and i wanted to see what it was like, to the point that it was making me miserable the thought of getting married...

 

Well the last time i broke up with him (called the wedding off), he was devastated of course. I was off doing what i wanted, meanwhile he sat at home miserable. As i was starting to realize the grass wasn't greener, he started seeing someone else. I was devastated, cried, couldn't sleep, eat for months.

 

8 months went by and he finally broke up with that girl cause he said he never felt for her what he had felt for me. He missed me and thought about me all the time. Now during those 8 months he would text me or make some kind of contact with me which drove me crazy, i told him not to do it cause it killed me. He did things behind her back that he shouldn't have....

 

Anyways, last month was when he told me he missed me and didn't feel the same for her and blah blah blah, and i kinda pressured him to come back instead of giving him time to just do when he was ready. This whole past year has been nothing but pain for the both of us. He came back and after one date, tells me he feels dead inside and doesn't feel those feelings for me anymore......

 

Neither one of us had healed from the pain before and of course he comes back to me terrified that i'm gonna leave him again. He doesn't have those feelings cause he still sees me as someone who has the potential to hurt them. Ur ex gf i'm sure sees u as the same. I realized that the only way for us to know if we are truly meant to be is to let each other GO and heal first. No matter what, i don't regret calling the wedding off.....If we would have gotten married back then, we would be miserable. I was miserable then and we were fighting a lot because i wanted to be free. I wouldn't be who i am now and realize what is important to me if i wouldn't have done it. I'd be sitting here married right now and crabby and maybe ended up divorced.

 

Don't regret that decison u made on taking time apart before, cause NOW YOU KNOW how important she really is to you! If you wouldn't have done it, then you would have continued to constantly wonder about other girls and been unhappy. As far as how to get her back, i wish i knew what to tell you. I know the only option i had if i wanted any kind of future with my ex was to let him go (he is going through some life changes right now on top of that). Every relationship is unique so the only thing i can suggest is to just try ur hardest to explain to her why she is special to you and then give her the space she is asking for...........

[EmperorR]

You don't know what you have till its gone.

[new--01]

your story sounds like what exactly i went through to a perfect t. i am afraid that if i don't fight for her while i can that i will lose her forever.

 

and never has that quote been mroe true emperor.

 

so i talked to her very briefly today. she agree'd to meet me after work so that we can talk. all i can think of is to explain to her how much she means to me and convince her that i have changed and grown up. that i know what is important to me completely clear now..

 

any suggestions so i don't walk into this blind and totally destroy any chance i have at saving this? i've got about 3 hours..

[cabarc1]

It seems like u might have caught her a little too late to mend things right now. From what i went through, depending on how ur talk goes tonight.........i'd say try for a good while to show her u've changed for the better, do things that bring positive changes in you and try and show her how sorry you are for ever hurting her and that u only want her. If she is on the path to seeing other guys, she has the right to. It doesn't mean she won't ever come back but i'm sure she is scared. Girls like to feel safe.

 

If she is set on seeing other guys, do all those things for a while and then just let her go (u don't want to seem pathetic, but mature and understanding). If it's meant to be, she will come back. But sometimes when so much damage has been done, it could take atleast a year for them to get over it, and that means NO CONTACT.