nevstan Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 I've met someone online and we're due to meet and sleep together in a few days time. I'm married but have been almost suicidally unhappy with my wife and thought I no longer loved her but, ironically enough, the lack of attention, lack of pestering, that I've shown her of late because of this other woman's presence has allowed her to be much happier and I've seen a side to her that I haven't seen for years. It's made me realise that I do love her and I should try to rescue our marriage. But I let myself fall in love with this other woman and now she's head over heels in love with me and I just want to get away from her. Or at least I think I do.... What if my wife changes back to the miserable woman she was before my lover appeared, if I give my lover up? What if my lover proves to have the potential for being the great love of my life? "All judgement fled" sums me up at the moment. I can't see what my priorities should be. I can't decide what I want or what I should be doing. How does one decide what's really important?
Geishawhelk Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 Well having an affair solves nothing and complicates everything. If you have mixed feelings about your wife (and it's clear you do - ) you really need to get this mess sorted out before you go and cause chaos elsewhere. I take it this person you've met on line hasn't seen you in the flesh.....? I find it extraordinary that you say you're "due to meet and sleep together in a few days time".... There is no way that in all honesty you can be in love with her and she with you. It's crazy.... You might be in love with the idea of her, but until you've met someone in the flesh, lived with them, seen how bad they look first thing in the morning, you cannot in all honesty, realistically claim to be 'in love'..... if you HAVE met her before, then I'm afraid you really should be honest with her, and tell her you have misgivings. It's unfair of you to lead her on and make her believe this is going to go somewhere, when there's every possibility it won't. organise MC with your wife. MC is not necessarily about keeping you together. It just gives you a bigger picture to look at, a broader outlook and puts you two on the same page, at least. Be fair man, and do the right thing. Go the way you're thinking and it's gonna be a majorly crappy mess to undo.....
Author nevstan Posted October 26, 2008 Author Posted October 26, 2008 I have met her, I worked with her for three years, twenty years ago. We speak on the webcam for hours each day so I know a lot about her and how she looks in the morning. Anyway, it's quite possible to love someone without knowing all their worst habits - how do you think people fell in love in previous ages when they were barely able to kiss before getting married? You're right, it will be a mess to undo. Hmmm... "misgivings", a good word but they could go either way. I have misgivings about getting involved further with the OW but I have misgivings about trying to patch up my marriage too. There are none of my children involved. I feel that whatever I do, revealing what has happened to me to the other person, would only cause trouble. If I stay with my wife, why does she need to know about the affair? If I leave with my OW, why does she need to know about any misgivings I might have had before I left? What sort of benefit to any party would these confessions serve?
Lonestar Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 How does your wife not know that you have spent hours every day talking to another woman on a webcam?????? Does your wife live with you?
Author nevstan Posted October 26, 2008 Author Posted October 26, 2008 Lonestar, Because I do it when she's out or when I'm at work Yes, my wife lives with me. Can I just say, before moral censure from everyone sets in, that I've tried to save this marriage for years (see my previous posts) and have even warned my wife that "we are heading for disaster" and that "it's in circumstances like these that another woman comes along" and now one indeed has. But my wife simply would not address any of our problems and didn't take any of the warnings seriously. and as I've said in my original post, she's now much happier with the way I'm behaving and doesn't have the wisdom to recognise that that behaviour should be ringing alarm bells. I wish I could warn her in some way so she could think carefully about how to save our marriage, without presenting her with a full confession, or letting her find out fully. But now that I'm not sexually demanding or particularly attentive, she's decided to say "I love you" after years of being unable to say it. How odd is this? Please understand that she has no idea of the affair, she just seems to be finding me as a distant and much more uncaring man, more attractive.
Geishawhelk Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 Well, obviously this is playing right into your hands, because now, you CAN have your cake and eat it! I'll just say once more: Do the honourable thing and end it. one way or the other. Either stay with your wife and build on that, or start a separation/divorce proceedings and go with the OW. I think in a way what you would like (or what you're looking for) is for someone to almost endorse keeping both ends running: But trust me, in the end, it will all blow up in your face. I fear that if you're looking for someone to say - "Yeh, why not? Keep em both and have twice the fun!" you are not going to find it here.
norajane Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 I've met someone online and we're due to meet and sleep together in a few days time. I'm married but have been almost suicidally unhappy with my wife and thought I no longer loved her but, ironically enough, the lack of attention, lack of pestering, that I've shown her of late because of this other woman's presence has allowed her to be much happier and I've seen a side to her that I haven't seen for years. It's made me realise that I do love her and I should try to rescue our marriage. You need to give more thought to what has changed between you and your wife. You attribute the change to giving your wife less attention, but I think it's more accurate that the lack of pestering is what has done it...yes, that can make a person more attractive! Pestering someone makes you a chore, not a desirable man. What have you been pestering her about? My guess is if you continue this affair and make it physical, you will once again become 'suicidally unhappy' only this time it will be because the OW will start to want more and more from you, to the point she starts pestering you to love her, to leave your wife, and to marry her. Is that what you want?
silent angel Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I was a little disappointed in reading your post. It's all about what you want with no recognition of the feelings of the two women in your life. You got involved with a woman, you thought you loved her. I'm assuming you told her this. Now you're not that sure if you're unhappy with your wife she is disposable. you dont really care if you break her heart just as long as you get what you want which appears to be an easy life. You are hedging your bets. What if you give up the glamourous mistress and your wife becomes miserable again you ask. Well act like a grown up and find out what was making her miserable and help change it if you love her. Maybe you will find it is you that is making her miserable. So pick one and stick with it. If you chose your wife, then be honest with the other woman. Dont ignore her and hope she'll disappear because she's just on the internet. She is still a real woman with real emotions. Tell her the truth, apologise for hurting her and then go. If you choose your net mistress, then explain to your wife you are unhappy and why, then move out and let your wife start again. Personally I think both of these women would be better off without you as you are only interested in yourself.
Lizzie60 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 See.. you just proved that an A can save a M.. There is no way you can tell what will happen if you leave your lover.. nor any way you can tell if your W will become that miserable person she once was... You got to go with your gut feeling..
Lizzie60 Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 You need to give more thought to what has changed between you and your wife. You attribute the change to giving your wife less attention, but I think it's more accurate that the lack of pestering is what has done it...yes, that can make a person more attractive! Pestering someone makes you a chore, not a desirable man. What have you been pestering her about? My guess is if you continue this affair and make it physical, you will once again become 'suicidally unhappy' only this time it will be because the OW will start to want more and more from you, to the point she starts pestering you to love her, to leave your wife, and to marry her. Is that what you want? I bet it was for sex.. and since he had it with another woman he stopped begging for it.. and she was in a better mood.. just my bet..
Lonestar Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Lonestar, Because I do it when she's out or when I'm at work Yes, my wife lives with me. Can I just say, before moral censure from everyone sets in, that I've tried to save this marriage for years (see my previous posts) and have even warned my wife that "we are heading for disaster" and that "it's in circumstances like these that another woman comes along" and now one indeed has. I'm going to go against everything I believe in now and say that I can see your side of it - IF you really did tell her what you quoted above. If you saw this coming and warned her of it, and she didn't heed your warning that the marriage was in jeopardy, then it was and is also her fault. But since you are the one engaging in these activities, then you need to be the one to decide what you want and either continue doing what your doing and end it with your wife, or end it with the other woman and work on what is left with your wife. I've found that sometimes people try to warn their spouse what is going on inside of them, and the one on the receiving end either ignores it or reacts in anger instead of change. It only makes matters worse.
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