scarjo Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 I am married to a wonderful (if not a bit boring) man for over 8 yrs and have a child together. We have been together for a total of 15 yrs. About 6 months ago, my first boyfriend/love got in touch with me. I have always carried feelings for him and apparently he felt the same way. He is also married with 1 kid and another on the way. Thru chatting, we agreed to meet each other finally. We spent one whole afternoon together and it was bliss- so natural. We are both so much in love with each other. The thing is, he feels too guilty to leave his family now since his wife is pregnant. 2nd is we are not financially compatible. My husband and I are very well to do while he is an average blue collar worker. My first love I think, is intimidated by my wealth. We have both been found out by our respective spouses and of course have been asked to stop. My husband has been nothing but supportive throughout this ordeal and wants to make us work. His wife feels the same. I have tried to numerously end it with this man but after a few days, we are both miserable and get in touch again. First love wants me to take a few days off with him soon and I am so tempted even though I know that it will be the biggest risk if my husband finds out. I love my husband still but with my first love, I am also trying to think clearly (which is not working) Is there a chance for a better relationship to come out of this when this is the way it started? Should I leave my husband even though I don't know what can come out of this affair? Knowing that my first love will not leave his family? Knowing that we are not financially compatible? Please help
Island Girl Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Is there a chance for a better relationship to come out of this when this is the way it started? Should I leave my husband even though I don't know what can come out of this affair? Knowing that my first love will not leave his family? Knowing that we are not financially compatible? You answered your own question. There is no chance for a "better relationship" to come out of this. He will not leave his family for you. So if you leave yours - you hurt your husband and children to end up alone. Is that what you want? You can wish and wish but time and life have moved on and things ARE NOT the same as much as you might like them to be. Leave him alone and concentrate on your own marriage and family.
username24 Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 You need to go no contact. That means 100%. No email, text, phone, just meeting for coffee, ect. Once you go NC you will start to see (slowly) that you were in a fog. Everything your old boyfriend represents is just a fantasy.
carhill Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 So, OP, and this is important, do you still love this "wonderful (if not a bit boring) man"? I don't mean respect him, admire him and all that yada, but l o v e him. Do you feel he loves you? If yes, with some help, you can reclaim the essence of your M. If no, you have some tough decisions to make. You'll note I haven't mentioned the OM/MM. He's irrelevant right now. We need to hear more about you and your H
Author scarjo Posted October 25, 2008 Author Posted October 25, 2008 Yes I do love him still but am not sure if that love has turned to friendship. That I love him but not sure if IN love with clause..Everytime, we make love, I think of the other man. Am also not sure if I am attached to my husband as well because of the security he provides. I sound so heartless...
Author scarjo Posted October 25, 2008 Author Posted October 25, 2008 and yes my husband loves me with all his heart, faults and all.
carhill Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Does your H know you find him wonderful, if a bit boring? My sense is the "boring" part is what has caught you. Sometimes men, especially when in the family way, see their role differently than their wives might envision for them. Your successes (as husband and wife) may have clouded his vision of what you want from him as a husband and a man. He may think he's doing right by you. What do you think?
Mr. Lucky Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 We have been together for a total of 15 yrs. About 6 months ago, my first boyfriend/love got in touch with me. I have always carried feelings for him and apparently he felt the same way. I'm going to skip over the fact that your OM isn't any kind of candidate for a relationship (heck, he's married with a kid on the way!) and point out that, after 20 years of ongoing life, any feeling you carry for this first love are based on perception and not on the reality of knowing him. Too much water has passed under the bridge - if you're late 30's now, are you the same person you were when you were 17? This infatuation is less about him and more about you. Since you're blessed with a supportive husband - I can't imagine what he's going through while you pine for young love - you should take the advice to go NC and use IC to understand why you'd trash your life - family, husband and kids - for a two decade old fantasy. I wish you luck as you have a lot of work ahead of you... Mr. Lucky
Reggie Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 I think you need to really try to make the distinction between what you feel now for your old flame and what you will feel in a few years, after being in a relationshp with him. Of course your husband cannot compete with a fresh, new, fantasy. I've seen this happen a lot. It happened to my XW with her affair partner. Once the guy is on the scene full time, and you get to see all the faults we all have, the passion fades. It takes a while, but it happens, Chances are , when this happens, your husband will have already moved on and you will not have the option you currently have. If you stay wih your husband, you need to realize he may never fully trust you again. His feelings for you may never run as deeply because of this affair you have had. Funny thing is, you had the ability to get out of your marriage honorably and pursue the relationship with the OM. All you had to do was to be upfront with your husband BEFORE you did this. But, testing the waters while your husband subsidizes the affair and , himself, abides by the vows you made, may bring some serious resentment. Essentially, you've sent your husband the message, quite clearly, that he is second choice and that you place a greater value on your own deisre for happiness than you do on his entitlement to secure the same type of fulfillment for himself. He may feel he's left holding down the fort on the relationship, while you comparison shop. That's a terrible feeling, to know you are being compared, especially when you are the old familiar one who cannot compete with the freshness of someone new.
Bryanp Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 Could you ever imagine your husband showing such disrespect and humiliation to you as you are doing to him? My guess is that the answer is no. My suggestion is for you to divorce your husband so you can live in your little fantasy world and allow him to meet a woman in the future who can truly love and respect him because it is clear you cannot.
lkjh Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 This is horrible, you have an H that loves you and a OM that is using you for a side dish. You are completely disrespectful to the father of your child. Be honest with your H and let him find someone that will cherish what he has to offer (a family). Your ex went searching you out for a hook up; not because he loves you. People do this all the time and then he used the line I can't leave my family. He is not intimidated by your wealth he just does not want more than a hook up. Let your boring H find someone worth being married to
Reggie Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 your needs are not being met. get divorced already, instead of just acting like some floozy piece of trash. Needs going unmet are a common justification for cheating. I think folks have unrealistic expectation as to another's capability to meet their needs. Many times the "needs" are things that can only be met by oneself. People seem to have the expectation that another is responsible for their happiness. And, often, they do not communicate their needs to the BS nor do they themselves meet the needs of the BS. But, I agree, you should do the honorable thing and let your husband moveon to someone that will be faithful
theBrokenMuse Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 So, his wife found out, is pregnant and is being stressed to the absolute max so he can selfishly relive his High School days. Yeah, he sounds like a real gem. Where can I sign up for such an amazing man? You are about the destroy your own life for a total piece of trash because of a stupid fantasy. Wake up and come back to reality.... It's nice here.
girlwithglasses Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 Speaking as a second wife.... Don't do this unless you are prepared to lose everything. Because that is probably what will happen. My husband's XW had a relationship with an old boyfriend. She compared DH to the XBF and decided the X was more exciting, more charming whatever. DH finally got tired of the humiliation and disrespect and divorced her and left her free to pursue her happiness with OM. Turns out OM was just using her as a side piece. He is divorced but he never got together with XW. Boring old DH now has a young pretty new wife and we are blissfully enjoying our new life together. We just built a brand new dream house. We are financially very comfortable. His career is going fantastic now that he isn't constantly stressing about his XW cheating. Meanwhile XW is a middle aged divorced single mother. OM dumped her to run around with younger women. Her comfortable lifestyle isn't so comfortable anymore since DH income is gone. She has to work long hours to barely make ends meet. She will have to work for the rest of her life probably. She is so angry and bitter now and she is all alone. She looks at me living the good life with a man who worships the ground I walk on and she hates me for "stealing" her life. Problem is I didn't steal it. She handed it to me on a silver platter. I often wonder if it was worth it to her. Either way I'm glad she threw it all away because I am now enjoying a wonderful life. Maybe I'll thank her one of these days. Your husband's next wife might thank you one day too.
imagine Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 Let me get this straight: You were happy until XBF shows up. You are unhappy now that the A has been discovered and can't be with XBF. You would leave your H if OM were richer. Is this true? Can you not remember why you and XBF broke up? Can you remember why you and your H got married? Do you think that if you had married XBF that it would have been any different for you than what XBFW is experiencing now? What entitled you and XBF to privately speak to each other in the first place?
Curmudgeon Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 I never use that term. I only have one wife and she's number 1 in my life and second to none. Coincidentally there is also an ex. Fourteen years ago the ex decided to leave me and it was made easier for her by the presence of another man who made no secret of his desire for her. She left and married him as soon as she legally could -- living with him in the interim. Three and a half years later he was killed in a car accident. She'd already run through all the funds she received in our divorce and proceded to do the same with all the funds she received from his death. Fast forward to now. She lives in an apartment she can just afford, has absolutely no relationship with any of our five children or six grandchildren and essentially has no life. She's almost 58 years old and owns nothing, has no medical or other coverage and has no one of any substance in her life. Two years after the separation and divorce I married a friend I'd known for five years. We shared the same profession which is how we met. In two months I'm retiring, we're moving about 2,000 miles away, buying a nice house and living a simple but happy and secure life. We both have good pensions from our state and Social Security, as well as lifetime medical, dental, vision care and prescription drug coverage from our former employer. Life is good! Like GirlWithGlasses, I'm sure the ex hates the fact that our lives are enriched while hers consists of very little. She, too, is angry and bitter and so she'll likely remain. I don't know if she ever wonders what her life would be like if she'd stuck it out with me but I certainly don't. I've achieved most of my success and financial comfort in the years since we divorced; having accrued very little before then. If we'd remained married I would also have likely faced the reality orf working until, one morning, coworkers found me at my desk having assumed room temperature! My message is simple. The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence!
Author scarjo Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 Thank you so very much for ALL the replies (even to the ones who called me a floozy) You have all made me realize that my marriage should be top priority. I'm glad I posted here. Wish me luck! NC here I come..
Reggie Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Yes, I do wish you good luck. One piece of advice: be very aware of the pain you may have caused your husband. He may need therapy. This type of blow is devestating to a spouse. I hope you gys can heal this.
amylulu Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 The way it sounds to me is that you are in love with the idea of the past and how you two were and not how it would be if you both really left your spouses. I always think of the old saying the grass isn't greener on the other side. This is more of a fantsy world then the real world. There comes a time in all our lives when we want these thoughts, most people don't act on them. If you think you really love him you need to sit back and take a look at the whole picture and think about what you really want. Maybe if you look at your husband the way you did when you married him then you might see why you loved him in the first place.
girlwithglasses Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I never use that term. I only have one wife and she's number 1 in my life and second to none. Coincidentally there is also an ex. Curmudgeon, congratulations on your successful marriage. I absolutely agree with you: my husband has never referred to me as his second wife. I am simply his wife. However I felt that particular choice of words was appropriate given scarjo's circumstances. scarjo I wish you the best of luck.
JustBreathe Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Neither scarjo nor her married lover have suffered any real consequences for their behavior. They have been "asked to stop" by the husband who is too busy being "supportive" to give her the kick in the pants she so desperately needs, and the OM's wife who is pregnant and therefore not in a position to do much about it. Scarjo has stated she and the OM have tried "numerous times" to end their affair but they haven't been successful. My guess is this next round of no contact will have the same end result. I feel for that pregnant wife. The stress of an affair is horrible. I lost 15 lb. in two months because I couldn't eat. Lost hair. Nearly lost my job. I cannot imagine being pregnant on top of all of that. God bless her.
Reggie Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I agree with the above. The cruelty with which the betrayed spouses are treated is appalling.
Author scarjo Posted October 28, 2008 Author Posted October 28, 2008 I think I forgot to let everyone know that the other spouses only think that it is an affair on the internet. We have not told them about the physical part and plan to keep it that way.
Bryanp Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 So you feel it is a good thing not to be honest with your spouses? You feel it is a good thing to continue to deceive them having them think it was only an internet affair? So you feel you wish to have a marriage based on lies and deceit instead of honesty and respect? I guess you know the answer. Your spouses have my great sympathy. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? When you think that keeping lies and deception from you husband is a good think it can only mean one thing: You have and continue to have a broken moral compass. How can you not see this?
Reggie Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 I think you are wrong to be dishonest. and, what about the STD issue? How's he supposed to prtotect himself if he does not know you've had sex with another?
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