elkgrove Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 My wife has been having an affair w/ a coworker & has just talked him into leaving his family. She moved out four months ago & has been cheating on him w/ two other men as well. She has not told him about her past of being a prostitute for seven years or her cheating in all three of her marriages or the two men she has been seeing. I still hold out hope it will not work out for them & that she will seek therapy for herself & return to me & the children. It sounds nuts to want her back but if she can deal w/ her issues there is hope she will be a better person. Should I tell him or should I let him find out the hard way?? Heartbroken in Elk Grove
Konfuzion Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Dont waste your time... Especially if you want her back, this will just push her further away.
Author elkgrove Posted October 25, 2008 Author Posted October 25, 2008 Yea I thought that it might. SHe is already afraid that I will do it. I am ready to do so but I am still holding out/hoping for a last second miracle I guess. But if it does push her away @ least it will be finally over....
Bryanp Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 These are just my thoughts: 1. I would tell him. 2. Why in the world would you want her back and raising your children? She is an STD just waiting to happen. You would have to be in big time denial to believe you could have a faithful marriage with this woman based on what you have written. 3. Please see counseling for yourself to understand why you would wish to continue to inflict such pain and humiliation upon yourself and your children. 4. I wish you luck.
carhill Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Whoa, reading that OP I was thinking that's a STD typhoon in progress..... Now, she really wasn't a prostitute, was she? I mean, did she get paid?... My first instinct is that she's emotionally disturbed or mentally ill. In any event, given her promiscuous behavior, you might do the most recent person a service by warning them so they can take appropriate measures. Sorry to hear this
Author elkgrove Posted October 25, 2008 Author Posted October 25, 2008 Whoa, reading that OP I was thinking that's a STD typhoon in progress..... Now, she really wasn't a prostitute, was she? I mean, did she get paid?... My first instinct is that she's emotionally disturbed or mentally ill. In any event, given her promiscuous behavior, you might do the most recent person a service by warning them so they can take appropriate measures. Sorry to hear this Yea she got paid. Seven years. She started as a nude dancer then to a massage parlor then topless all the while doing sex for money. I feel she has mental issues as well & I have pushed her to get help & she has recently realized she needs help (via our marriage therapist) but is going ahead w/ moving in w/ him if he gets an apartment for her. She is smart, 55 years old & is not going to allow anything or anyone to change her mind even is she knows it is nutty, risky & highly unlikely to work out.. That is nuts & the thinking of someone not in their right mind
Curmudgeon Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 She is smart, 55 years old & is not going to allow anything or anyone to change her mind even is she knows it is nutty, risky & highly unlikely to work out.. That is nuts & the thinking of someone not in their right mind ...and you would want her back why? You don't have to say that it's because you're in love or in lust with her. We already know that. What interests me is WHY you love her and WHAT there is to love about her.
Tony T Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 She moved out four months ago & has been cheating on him w/ two other men as well. She has not told him about her past of being a prostitute for seven years or her cheating in all three of her marriages or the two men she has been seeing. I still hold out hope it will not work out for them & that she will seek therapy for herself & return to me & the children. It sounds nuts to want her back but if she can deal w/ her issues there is hope she will be a better person. Heartbroken in Elk Grove You say IT sounds NUTS??? I've been on this forum for nine years and that's about the craziest thing I've seen written. Your "wife" doesn't need help...you do. Any man who would tolerate what she has done/is doing for more than five seconds needs counseling much worse than she does. I beg you, get some therapy and go find a healthy relationship. You will never, ever have a healthy, normal, upstanding, comfortable relationship with this "wife" you have now. NEVER, EVER, NEVER, EVER, NEVER, EVER, NEVER, EVER. This is the sort of stuff trolls write...I am saddened beyond imagination because, quite frankly, I wish your post was by a troll and not the real deal. I apologize if there is some overwhelming reason you haven't stated here why you need to settle for this worthless scum from Jerry Springer's trailer park. God Bless You!!!
Author elkgrove Posted October 25, 2008 Author Posted October 25, 2008 ...and you would want her back why? You don't have to say that it's because you're in love or in lust with her. We already know that. What interests me is WHY you love her and WHAT there is to love about her. I love her. We have four kids, two from her previous marriage w/ the youngest being 17. The 17, 19 & 24 year old daughters live @ home. We have been together for 23 years now & married for over 19 years. She has had the affair for 3 years. I knew all about her past before I married her but not before I fell in love w/ her. She did not tell me about it till after I was in love w/ her. Anyway so for about twenty years we had a fairly good relationship. It is my hope & prayer that she gets help/therapy to overcome her midlife crisis, & deal w/ her critical mother & neglectful father & reconcile w/ the children & myself. (reading it, it sounds like a lot to ask)....lol But hey I have known ppl to give up heron & the like & become better ppl once again......
carhill Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 OK, let her go then and do what you need to do to maintain a stable household for your remaining children. She can return on your terms. In the meantime, make it your priority to get IC for yourself to clarify your perspective. It will help you. If/when she decides to return, then you can decide at that time whether you want that and on what terms. You can love someone and let them go
Geishawhelk Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 ....It is my hope & prayer that she gets help/therapy to overcome her midlife crisis, & deal w/ her critical mother & neglectful father & reconcile w/ the children & myself. (reading it, it sounds like a lot to ask)....lol Yes, right... but if she doesn't? You call this a "Mid-Life Crisis"? Seems to me it started long before middle age and shows no sign whatsoever of letting up.... Listen, I think half (if not more) of the reason you want to 'spill the beans' is because you want to close all doors to her and compel her to go down the only avenue open to her, which will be to return to you. It's not going to happen. Know why? Because "you" can't fix other people. Only 'other people' can fix other people. She has no intention of getting herself fixed, because otherwise she would have done so long ago. or at least set the ball rolling.... But hey I have known ppl to give up heron & the like & become better ppl once again...... Is that right....? For everyone that has, how many others are there who don't....? Ask yourself why drug dealing is such a profitable business.... Not running short of clients, is it.....? And guess why prostitution is called 'the oldest profession in the world'....? Still going strong.... Oh and, the kids.... Take a look.... They're not 'kids' any more. They're just about all grown up and making their own lives now. I figure mom coming back on the scene right now would actually create bigger problems than solve them, for them. Nope. I figure this is all about you, and your dreams for the rosy future with the cottage and white picket fence image. Too little, too late. Please, for the sake of everyone, I truly believe, more than for any other issue I have seen on this forum - YOU need to move on.
You'reasian Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 My wife has been having an affair w/ a coworker & has just talked him into leaving his family. She moved out four months ago & has been cheating on him w/ two other men as well. She has not told him about her past of being a prostitute for seven years or her cheating in all three of her marriages or the two men she has been seeing. You married her, so you thought she was marriage material. Why you're upset that she is not telling her new man is beyond you. I still hold out hope it will not work out for them & that she will seek therapy for herself & return to me & the children. It sounds nuts to want her back but if she can deal w/ her issues there is hope she will be a better person. Should I tell him or should I let him find out the hard way?? Heartbroken in Elk Grove Good that you think she can get help. You should probably tell him - keep in mind this is a very serious accusation and you should have proof.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 This is what I would do. I would find out who each and one of these guys are. Introduce them to your family and her's. And have a talk with the wives. You don't owe her anything and you are the one taking control of the situation. And lastly, what could be the sweetest way of taking control than by revealing the truth? DNR What is done in the dark shall come to the light.
Bryanp Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 So she is currently screwing three different men and moving in with one of them. You are hoping that she will see the light? Tell the the guy she is moving in with and see an attorney on how to protect yourself and your children. I am sorry but from what you have written you seem hopelessly co-dependent on a spouse who shows you utter contempt and distain for you and your children. Please seek counseling and therapy for yourself.
Author elkgrove Posted October 26, 2008 Author Posted October 26, 2008 Yes, right... but if she doesn't? You call this a "Mid-Life Crisis"? Seems to me it started long before middle age and shows no sign whatsoever of letting up.... Listen, I think half (if not more) of the reason you want to 'spill the beans' is because you want to close all doors to her and compel her to go down the only avenue open to her, which will be to return to you. It's not going to happen. Know why? Because "you" can't fix other people. Only 'other people' can fix other people. She has no intention of getting herself fixed, because otherwise she would have done so long ago. or at least set the ball rolling.... Is that right....? For everyone that has, how many others are there who don't....? Ask yourself why drug dealing is such a profitable business.... Not running short of clients, is it.....? And guess why prostitution is called 'the oldest profession in the world'....? Still going strong.... Oh and, the kids.... Take a look.... They're not 'kids' any more. They're just about all grown up and making their own lives now. I figure mom coming back on the scene right now would actually create bigger problems than solve them, for them. Nope. I figure this is all about you, and your dreams for the rosy future with the cottage and white picket fence image. Too little, too late. Please, for the sake of everyone, I truly believe, more than for any other issue I have seen on this forum - YOU need to move on. THnX, that was well said & I can't argue w/ much of it. She is here now living w/ me & our girls. (she is on, & has been for three months on a family leave from work & will use vacation time till who knows when) Till she moves in w/ him, if & when that ever happens. I am doubtful that it will ever happen so that is a big part of my reasoning/rationalizing. & I am not ready to just give up on 23 years. If she moves in w/ him that will end it as far as I am concerned, till then I stubbornly believe there is still some hope, some possibility... It may be nutty to have hope but it is all I have.
Author elkgrove Posted October 26, 2008 Author Posted October 26, 2008 You married her, so you thought she was marriage material. Why you're upset that she is not telling her new man is beyond you. Good that you think she can get help. You should probably tell him - keep in mind this is a very serious accusation and you should have proof. I never said anything was "beyond me"..... Her reasoning for not doing so is obvious It is also stupid.. Hiding her past is not going to work. Let him know the truth & decide what he wants to do.......... I am sure there are lots of 54 years old guys wanting to leave there miserable thirty years of marriage for a women like her w/ a past like that... His wife & kids will be proud of him as will all of his friends & their coworkers. They work @ the same place & I work for the same company although not @ the same location so that is a further reason I don't want this to work out........
Author elkgrove Posted October 26, 2008 Author Posted October 26, 2008 I do understand love, Let everyone know so they can protect themselves, especially the wives of these men. You havew more than hope, you have your girls and your life. I am thinking of doing just that. Many ppl @ work now know about her past so it is floating the rumor mills already. Unfortunately I don't think his family knows who or what he is leaving them for nor do I wish to tell them & hurt them but who knows.....
Lizzie60 Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 No.. mind your own business.. she's not with you anymore.. so move on. She was good enough for you when you married her.. why wouldn't she be good enough for another man? Her past is her past.. it's no one business.. she was/is still a good person.. you want her back.. I'm sure she was/is a good mother. Being permissive sexually doesn't take anything from being a good/loving person..
Author elkgrove Posted October 26, 2008 Author Posted October 26, 2008 So she is currently screwing three different men and moving in with one of them. You are hoping that she will see the light? Tell the the guy she is moving in with and see an attorney on how to protect yourself and your children. I am sorry but from what you have written you seem hopelessly co-dependent on a spouse who shows you utter contempt and distain for you and your children. Please seek counseling and therapy for yourself. We both are codependent to one extent or another as I guess most ppl are. We are reading a book called "codependent no more" that her therapist recommended for her to read. I certainly see a lot of myself there. But as was brought out in our final marriage counseling session I have a lot @ stake here. Financially, 23 year relationship etc.... Presently she is seeing no one but me. Next week who knows but for right now that is not the case.
Bryanp Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 I am just a bit confused. I thought you said she was planning to move in with the guy she is currently seeing but then you say she is not seeing anyone now. I am confused. Nevertheless I understand you comments about the financial situation. I would still seek out a financial attorney to understand what happens if the situation changes and how to protect yourself in the furture. It is better to have too much information than not enough.
Curmudgeon Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 I am sure there are lots of 54 years old guys wanting to leave there miserable thirty years of marriage for a women like her w/ a past like that... I sincerely hope not. But in case you're right, I'm really glad I'm 62 and out of the danger zone; especially as we're likely neighbors.
In Like Flynn Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 So are you having sex with her? And is she sneaking off still with otherman/men??? The only ones I feel sorry for are you children....they are th eonly ones that got the raw deal here with a mother like this!! You knew what type pf person you were dealing with and the likelyhood that the cheating just started recently is basically zero. You don't go from from extreme to another without alot of help. You just don't know about it and probably never will.
Author elkgrove Posted October 26, 2008 Author Posted October 26, 2008 I am just a bit confused. I thought you said she was planning to move in with the guy she is currently seeing but then you say she is not seeing anyone now. I am confused. Nevertheless I understand you comments about the financial situation. I would still seek out a financial attorney to understand what happens if the situation changes and how to protect yourself in the furture. It is better to have too much information than not enough. ThnX & sorry for the miscommunication. She is hoping he will get an apartment. She manipulated him into saying that he would. That was over a week ago. THus far he has done nothing. She has been living w/ me for about a month & a half now. We were on a trial 30 days that did not work & she contacted him & he agreed to do the apartment. She is staying here until that happens. If that does not happen she will stay. If she betrays her own self interest & has sex w/ him I will tell her to leave. This "getting an apartment" is not his idea... He was along for the sex... You know she is looking for love & he is looking for sex.... If he gets the sex w/out having to get an apartment & abandoning his family he is not going to. She knows that & I know that..
imagine Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 Please expose to the OMW if not for you then for OMW and family. Notify her workplace and explain that you are trying to repair your marriage and ask them to investigate such there is no business conflict in her affair relations. Read the articles at marriage builders.com and find out what a plan A is about, then come back and chat!
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