A friend of mine did something weird... and its driving me nuts

[TheTallOne]

She: 29, Me: 23

 

I have known her for about two years. Haven't chatted that much, but we have been friendly (went to her house once in July for a few drinks with friends).

 

August

 

I break up with my g/f towards the beginning of August....

 

Couple weeks later, the friend contacts me to see if I can hang her flat screen TV. I tell her that it is possible, but I would probably bring a friend who has more knowledge in the area.

 

Week or so later, we go over. Survey the place where she wants it, pick out the mount that would fit the TV. We decide that it'll be in the beginning of September when we can get around to do it. NP she says.

 

In the mean time, she picks up the conversation with me. Txts me every once in awhile with something to say.

 

She (for the first time) makes homemade pizza, and brings it to my place of work to eat. And yes.. it was good.

 

September

 

Wednesday before we are going to hang the TV, I contact her to make sure we are ready to go, that she has bought the mount/materials needed.

 

I also ask if there was anything else she needed while we were there. She said no... but she would take a 6 foot-ish, athletic guy, who has good character and morals, who likes Italian/Polish girls.

 

Me (joking) says; "I'll be over in a little while then!"

 

She responds "Ha ha... I don't date younger guys".

 

I tell her that she is discriminating against people based on their age... just as a joke.

 

Forward to the work day. We go there, get the project done. She says she will bake us a pizza (we didn't want any money anyway) for our payment. Which I was fine with.

 

Me thinking the contact would subside now that the project was over... well, I was wrong.

 

Week later, she invites me to go out with her co-worker for a drink. I couldn't, as I was working a shift that I couldn't get out of.

 

She says "That is fine".

 

Couple of hours later, I get this txt.

 

"Why do I crave sex when I drink?"

 

Mind you, this has NEVER, NEVER, been a discussion between the two of us. Frankly, I was "".

 

I just give her the txt book answer of "Alcohol lowers your guard/inhibitor, making you more relaxed etc etc"

 

She then starts saying, "Well, I am craving sex right now..", "I am going to take the dog for a walk, then I am going to get ready for bed. Well, I am ready for sex and then bed..."

 

""

 

She says a few other things.. and that was the end of it.

 

Two days later, I txt her what she was on about on Friday. She mentions that her co-worker is single and nice... which I said was "Ok", but I wasn't really looking for anyone now. (I am wondering why is she telling me this after her outing on Friday, and not before?) I ask her what she was on about after she went out, as she is acting more like someone who is interested in me, and more than "just a friend". She says that she "Just talks about it". And leaves it at that.

 

Me: Ok.

 

Fast forward to Friday. I get a txt, "Happy hour?". I tell her no... that Friday is my shift at work and I can't get out of it. She says "Ok".

 

Couple of hours later, she txts me saying she is "On her second drink". I make fun of her because she is pacing herself (ie, light weight). We go back and forth, and her co-worker/friend (the one she talked about) gets on the phone. She says "Steph says you are really sweet". "She also says you have a nice ass" Me: "". She then starts to send me pretty heavy sexual innuendos, which kind of getting annoying after awhile as I don't even know this girl, and she is coming across as someone I wouldn't want to meet. I told her/them that they really need to slow down and chill out. They retort back that "I need to be less serious, that they were being just a bunch of sexed up goofballs and were just kidding".

 

I left it at that, and didn't bother to respond when they asked if I was showing up after work.

 

I talk to my friend the next day (she never tried to explain herself the night before), and ask her WTF was going on. She said they were just kidding around, and she regards me as "just a friend". I told her that what she was doing wouldn't imply that... that you don't do that with people you just wish to befriend. She says "OK".

 

Couple of days later, she txts me asking if I left any prank phone calls on her phone. I said no. I told her to give me the #, and I'll try to find out who it is. (gave her whatever info I found).

 

Haven't really heard from her since.... just a txt every blue moon, but it has been a quiet last two Fridays.

 

Any idea?

 

She was a good/decent person, who I always thought was a bit of a prude. This took me by surprise, and I was kind of upset/pissed over it because; 1) I was caught off guard 2)I never expected this from her 3)She never apologized/explained herself.

[CommitmentPhobe]

She then starts saying, "Well, I am craving sex right now..", "I am going to take the dog for a walk, then I am going to get ready for bed. Well, I am ready for sex and then bed..."

 

""

 

She says a few other things.. and that was the end of it.

 

 

You dropped the ball

[TheTallOne]

You dropped the ball

 

About what? Going over and doing the nasty?

 

She is a friend.

 

Plus, I don't do anything unless I am dating them.. not my thing.

[CommitmentPhobe]

She's still a friend, you've made it clear there will be no benefits in the friendship. So she's stopped talking to you as much.

 

I struggle to see what's weird about this situation or what the problem is.

[Ronni_W]

She was a good/decent person, ...I was kind of upset/pissed over it because;

She "was", meaning that you don't see her as a "good/decent" person anymore?

So...she kind of didn't live up to your view/expectation of her, and now you've got to deal with the loss of that ideal that you set, about her? -- and/or the loss of the friendship as it used to be? -- could that be it?

 

I'm not clear what apology might be due, though -- she acted flirty with you, is basically all that happened. Which is the explanation for her behaviour, too -- she felt flirty.

Not sure that SHE would feel a need to have to explain or apologize (even though I get that you do feel it...but since you are feeling a need for one/both, that also points to feelings of disappointment, loss, some kinda sadness and/or hurt over something...maybe?)

[carhill]

Pretty simple really. She was flirting with you because she fancied you beyond friendship but you don't see her that way. Your rebuff is bound to be a bit embarrassing and disconcerting for her, hence her silence.

 

If she can put aside the impetus for the flirtation and continue as a friend, IMO it's upon you to contact her and talk to her as a friend. I wouldn't wait too long. Empathy is appreciated. If you've ever been stuck in a woman's friend-zone, I'm sure you can appreciate that. Women always talk in code that only other women can understand, so the friend was checking up on things for her and getting your perspective. My bet is she has had a "thing" for you for awhile but respected your relationship with your GF.

 

Any regrets?

[TheTallOne]

She's still a friend, you've made it clear there will be no benefits in the friendship. So she's stopped talking to you as much.

 

I struggle to see what's weird about this situation or what the problem is.

 

I was taken back by it.

 

Considering she was the "old fashioned" type.

[TheTallOne]

She "was", meaning that you don't see her as a "good/decent" person anymore?

So...she kind of didn't live up to your view/expectation of her, and now you've got to deal with the loss of that ideal that you set, about her? -- and/or the loss of the friendship as it used to be? -- could that be it?

 

I'm not clear what apology might be due, though -- she acted flirty with you, is basically all that happened. Which is the explanation for her behaviour, too -- she felt flirty.

Not sure that SHE would feel a need to have to explain or apologize (even though I get that you do feel it...but since you are feeling a need for one/both, that also points to feelings of disappointment, loss, some kinda sadness and/or hurt over something...maybe?)

 

"Was" being that she flirted sexually, and then when I "called" her on it, she backed off and said she considered me a "friend". Yet, her actions said another thing.

 

I know she felt flirty. But only a few weeks prior she was saying she would never date a younger guy... and she knows that I don't "sleep around", yet she was testing the water to see if I would?

 

I just felt that (out of the blue), that she went from 0 to 100, and I was taken back by her behavior. Then when I asked her what was up.. she would duck behind some kind of "friend guard" to cover her tracks.

 

I consider her behavior as a come on, pretty strong.

[TheTallOne]

Any regrets?

 

Only regret is that I should have said "Sure, I'll be right over in a bit to 'tuck you' into bed!". And call her bluff at the outset.

[carhill]

Good information. Remember that for the next time

 

FWIW, I had a BFF for many years and she and I flirted mercilessly. Most of the time it was just to get a rise out of her boyfriend (later husband). We couldn't imagine touching each other in a sexual way on our most drunk day (neither of us drank). It was just in good fun. My regret? She would've made a great GF and wife and I don't know why I didn't feel that way about her. Oh, well....

[TheTallOne]

Good information. Remember that for the next time

 

FWIW, I had a BFF for many years and she and I flirted mercilessly. Most of the time it was just to get a rise out of her boyfriend (later husband). We couldn't imagine touching each other in a sexual way on our most drunk day (neither of us drank). It was just in good fun. My regret? She would've made a great GF and wife and I don't know why I didn't feel that way about her. Oh, well....

 

We have flirted (friendly flirting) for years. Just small stuff though.

 

There was no escalation in this like I said, it was 0 to 100 in less than a minute.

 

I was caught off guard, and it weirded me out as she had just told me a few weeks earlier she doesn't date younger guys. That is when I made fun of her for it... and she called me the "oldest youngest guy" she knows.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I'm trying to figure out why this upsets you so much. You seem really disturbed. Are you upset because you only see her as a friend, and you are worried about possible awkwardness? Since you originally saw her as a bit of a "prude", do you see her now as a "slut"? Is this affecting your opinion of her character?

 

Are there any feelings on your part that you may not be acknowledging?

 

 

What exactly is the issue here?

[TheTallOne]

I'm trying to figure out why this upsets you so much. You seem really disturbed. Are you upset because you only see her as a friend, and you are worried about possible awkwardness? Since you originally saw her as a bit of a "prude", do you see her now as a "slut"? Is this affecting your opinion of her character?

 

Are there any feelings on your part that you may not be acknowledging?

 

 

What exactly is the issue here?

 

Probably the awkwardness. If she explained it as she just had a few too many drinks, and it wouldn't happen again... then I could just "forget" it and move on and chalk it up to just a slip of the lip on her part. I was expecting *more* more a 29 year old in terms of maturity then she displayed, so I am a bit disappointed in that sense.

 

I don't see her as a slut, but I was taken back by her forwardness in her messaging. I have had girls (who I don't know) do that to me in the past, and I generally ignore them because I am not interested in that.

 

But because she is a friend, I was taken a bit back by it.

 

Would I have minded in dating her? Probably not. But After a 2 and a half year relationship, I am not sure I want to jump back into the pan just yet.

 

She kind of caught me at a bad time.

[carhill]

OP, just so you know, women can surprise you even at 50 and even after knowing them for years. What was that saying from "Titanic" that a woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets? Yeah, well it's a deep ocean of a lot of things. Best rule I've learned is expect anything. Double that for married friends.

[TheTallOne]

OP, just so you know, women can surprise you even at 50 and even after knowing them for years. What was that saying from "Titanic" that a woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets? Yeah, well it's a deep ocean of a lot of things. Best rule I've learned is expect anything. Double that for married friends.

 

Just never had this happen before with a long term friend who never displayed interest before.

 

/shrugs

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Probably the awkwardness. If she explained it as she just had a few too many drinks, and it wouldn't happen again... then I could just "forget" it and move on and chalk it up to just a slip of the lip on her part. I was expecting *more* more a 29 year old in terms of maturity then she displayed, so I am a bit disappointed in that sense.

 

I don't see her as a slut, but I was taken back by her forwardness in her messaging. I have had girls (who I don't know) do that to me in the past, and I generally ignore them because I am not interested in that.

 

But because she is a friend, I was taken a bit back by it.

 

Would I have minded in dating her? Probably not. But After a 2 and a half year relationship, I am not sure I want to jump back into the pan just yet.

 

She kind of caught me at a bad time.

 

Ok, that makes sense. If she sends you another "dirty" text or otherwise makes you uncomfortable, I would call her on it. I would say "look, Jenny, I value our friendship but that's not what I want right now so let's go back to the way things used to be."

[TheTallOne]

Ok, that makes sense. If she sends you another "dirty" text or otherwise makes you uncomfortable, I would call her on it. I would say "look, Jenny, I value our friendship but that's not what I want right now so let's go back to the way things used to be."

 

She hasn't since the beginning of October.

 

She is probably too embarrassed to do so.

 

This happened a couple of weeks ago... and it has been in the back of my mind since.

[carhill]

Oh, and my compliments regarding your mature perspective. Says a lot for a 23 year old.

[TheTallOne]

Oh, and my compliments regarding your mature perspective. Says a lot for a 23 year old.

 

I appreciate the insight.

 

I just can't figure out why she did it, and I probably will never be able too.

[carhill]

Yeah, probably not. But, heck, you never know, you might develop a whole new kind of friendship with her after this. Guys who hang women's flat screens are in demand, in case you didn't know.

 

Re-reading your OP, and drawing from my life experience with my wife's girlfriends, I can tell you that when women congregate and alcohol is involved, things happen that the same women could not envision for themselves when alone. I've had my ass grabbed enough to know this and I'm likely not nearly as pretty as you are

 

Anyway, that's one possible and IMO entirely innocent explanation. If so, it was what it was. An oopsie....

[TheTallOne]

Anyway, that's one possible and IMO entirely innocent explanation. If so, it was what it was. An oopsie....

 

An oopsie is once. This happened two Fridays in a row.

 

First time she was txting, second time it was "her" friend. But, it was still her phone. Who knows who it really was.

 

Twice shows some truth behind her real feelings, when the alcohol lets the guard down.

 

I know she has had some problems in the past with guys who didn't fit her mold, but if I did, that is NOT the way to express interest.

[carhill]

OK, so take her out to lunch and explain things to her, directly. Perhaps being heard and understood will help you.

 

If you think you have problems now, just wait until you're married and "safe". Women ooze out of the woodwork......

 

It would be presumptuous of me to call this friend's actions a situational ego feed, but I know that to be the truth with some of my wife's girlfriends who have exhibited similar behaviors with me. I don't attach any meaning to the actions/words and the episodes pass and life goes on.

[TheTallOne]

OK, so take her out to lunch and explain things to her, directly. Perhaps being heard and understood will help you.

 

If you think you have problems now, just wait until you're married and "safe". Women ooze out of the woodwork......

 

It would be presumptuous of me to call this friend's actions a situational ego feed, but I know that to be the truth with some of my wife's girlfriends who have exhibited similar behaviors with me. I don't attach any meaning to the actions/words and the episodes pass and life goes on.

 

I will probably have a face to face convo with her.

 

Have any of your wife's friends done this to you? I hope not.

[carhill]

No sexual texting but some interesting kisses and ass grabbing, yeah, sure.....

[TheTallOne]

No sexual texting but some interesting kisses and ass grabbing, yeah, sure.....

 

Haha.

 

And you mention "situational ego feed", she wasn't fishing for compliments from both her conversations. At least from what I can tell. What angle would she be on about?

 

Gracious.