PWSX3 Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Thursday the stbxw & I were sending back & forth emails when she said; it is both of our responsibility for the marriage not working. This bothered me & so I sent back an emailing with; Yes I do take responsibility for the bad marriage but I DO NOT take responsibility for the divorce, that is your doing. So my question is; Is it both parties responsibility to for the divorce or is it the one that filed or wanted the divorce???? I am working on my part of the problem now, counseling, joined a men's group & taking some classes, but I won't take responsibility for the divorce, I didn't give up on our marriage, she did.
SingleDad Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 PWSTX3 - I know where you are coming from... I feel the same say. For the first time, my STBXW took some acknowledgement on her part for the failure of both of us in our marriage. She said there was a "dark cloud" over our marriage and that we weren't meant to be together. Maybe we weren't a perfect couple or even the right ones for each other (though I think it was more about the circumstances of living together with somone everyday and (her) expecting more from a marriage than what it became). As tough as things got however - I also did not file for the divorce - and was willing to do whatever was needed to make our marriage work. It was too late for her though - she already made up her mind.
dazedandconfused2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 I agree with you. I think both were responsible in some way for the marriage not working but you are trying to do things to make it work. She is not. There is no responsibility for a divorce here. Just her decision to end it no matter what.
n9688m Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 I am working on my part of the problem now, counseling, joined a men's group & taking some classes, but I won't take responsibility for the divorce, I didn't give up on our marriage, she did. Amen - over and over again. I get really annoyed at my STBXW and others I see post here who try to rationalize their actions by saying divorce is equally both people's responsibility - or as in the case of my STBXW those who have an affair but maintain that the divorce nonetheless is 100% the husband's fault "because you didn't love me enough." Total BS - what ever happened to communication and marriage counseling rather than an affair? I think valid reasons to insantly give up ont a marriage include physical violence or physical abuse of the spouse or kids. But I don't buy it for the typical "I fell out of love" story.
ilmw Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Ok... thought I already responded to this? I did say.... Wow... your fired up eh PW.... never heard you sound like that before. This can be easier when you get angry.... Kind of stamps out the sad and yearning feelings that cloud your mind. I for one... recovered much faster.... when I actually got mad. So when my temper did come down.... I could actually see what had and was going on... for what it was... making excepting it.... all that much easier. I rarely raised my voice at her.... unless she stepped out of line.... which was on occasion.... and never in front on my son..... Now when I say I got mad... that was at the 'situation'.... it was the only emotion I had not experienced before.... all the rest I had cycled through over and over again.... When I got past the anger..... I was done. When you don't care any more..... why get angry. As for taking responsibility for a divorce..... No bloody way...!! Not my idea... not my plan... not what I wanted. She had to do it all... paperwork.. paid for it..... I just read it over.. and signed away.... she had to supply the pen Now... I am glad I am.... good riddance. Why want to be with someone.... who does not want to be with you. I walk away knowing... I never gave up! I kept my dignity... and my honour... She gave up... ran off with some other guy... She can live with that.... I have a clear conscious... and can look at my boy knowing.... his Mom and Dad are not together.... because of her... Not me.... (Of course I would never say this to him) I just know.... I had his best interests at heart at all times... I can't say that about her. Enough said. Pw... I will say it again.... you are going to be fine. Your doing more than most to get through this... and what you learned when you guys were separated before .... will just help out now.... ilmw
zazue Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Well I don't take responsibility for filing for divorce. I did everything I could to bring my STBXH out of his mid life crisis fog, and his affair with the OW. Nothing worked. It was all my fault, and my STBXH was trying to control me by with holding financial support. I have been disabled for the last ten years of our 23 year marriage, and was totally supported by my STBXH, aside from $683.00 a month from disability, which doesn't even cover our mortgage. So he was treating me like a puppet, making me beg for money ie.. "I'll give you money if". I had to protect myself financially. So I borrowed money from my parents, and filed. My STBXH is now FORCED by the court to pay me support. In my case filing was what I NEEDED to do to protect myself, not really something I WANTED to do.
dead-dyke Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 As for taking responsibility for a divorce..... No bloody way...!! Not my idea... not my plan... not what I wanted. She had to do it all... paperwork.. paid for it..... I just read it over.. and signed away.... she had to supply the pen Now... I am glad I am.... good riddance. Why want to be with someone.... who does not want to be with you. I walk away knowing... I never gave up! I kept my dignity... and my honour... She gave up... ran off with some other guy... ilmw I wonder if they ever realize the wake of havok they have caused after time moves on.......
zazue Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 I have found in the case of a mid life crisis affair, the husband/wife, whatever, NEVER take responsibility for the havoc they have caused, IMHO. I needed to protect myself, Son, home, and animal's. I became self protecting, and detached from all the hell a mid life crisis causes. All I care about now is preserving my health, and well being. And of course, my 22 year old Son, in college, and my pets. I have joined a mid life crisis forum. I have learned so much at that site, and detaching from my STBXH has helped my situation so much. He has left his OW in less than three months. Live's in a house our mutual friends don't want to sell as a caretaker, and had told our Son, and friends that he has made such a horrible mess of his life, is very unhappy, and can't come home. I agree, he can't come home. I have discovered ME again. I work on ME. My STBXH has a lot of work to do on himself. I will not be there to help him. I want him to be happy within himself, but I am gone, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I cannot help, guide, advise him through this. It's HIS mid life crisis train, and he hates the ride. All I can do is get out of his way.
dead-dyke Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 zazue, I've read your posts, and like a lot of others here, you have been 100% justified. I wish I were only that brave when my M fell apart.
zazue Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Thanks Dead-Dyke, I have just discovered the inner strength that was always there in me, underneath all the other messed up issues, from a doomed marriage. I'm getting stronger everyday. I now understand that although I have a big part in the end of my 23 year old marriage, it is a mid life crisis that caused my STBXH to stray, and act out in a way that damages everyone in my Family unit. I am now just unwilling to ride the MLC train with my STBXH. I am getting to be ME now, and I like me. My STBXH tries to take me down into the controlling, abusive manner, that used to work on me, and is so surprised that it no longer works. I FEEL so much like my REAL self now, and NOTHING he tries to do to me works anymore. I don't know what will happen with the divorce I started, but I KNOW I will be better at the end! Thanks for your kind words, and response. It means a lot to me, and it really helps my deal with the pain that goes along with all the madness I am dealing with day by day. Thank-you!
GreenEyedLady Posted October 29, 2008 Posted October 29, 2008 Thursday the stbxw & I were sending back & forth emails when she said; it is both of our responsibility for the marriage not working. This bothered me & so I sent back an emailing with; Yes I do take responsibility for the bad marriage but I DO NOT take responsibility for the divorce, that is your doing. So my question is; Is it both parties responsibility to for the divorce or is it the one that filed or wanted the divorce???? I am working on my part of the problem now, counseling, joined a men's group & taking some classes, but I won't take responsibility for the divorce, I didn't give up on our marriage, she did. Honestly? Who cares what she thinks here? Is she Yoda? No, didn't think so. Don't let her set you back. Keep doing what you're doing. Don't get personal with her or rehash your M. When she says things like that, direct her back to the business at hand. Yours is a business R from here on out. Don't let her continue to get to you. Don't engage her.
Recommended Posts