Hotel Paradiso Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 Sorry I didn't finish my post. I am not a tease or really even a flirt. I think I was used for sex because he ****ed me then broke up with me the very next day after 2 years. Thrown out like a piece of trash. It really hurts Guys don't try to talk to me about who I am what I like. It's always about sex. They don't see me as a person. I have never had a true guy friend. My friends hate me when we go out because I get the attention and they are mean to me. But they have real conversations with guys, I never do. I have been molested for years by 2 different guys as well. And I have been raped once by a "friend" What can I do? It sounds like you're attractive, but have difficulty setting boundaries. Make guys WORK TO HAVE YOU and they'll be forced to respect you. You have to have a filter to make it impossible for the riff raff to get to you.
Eve Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 What Hotel Paradiso said. I would add that sometimes men want a fantasy, what with them being such visual creatures. Looking back at the times before I met my Husband, I know now that I was simply a fantasy to the men I had relationships with. They never saw the true me, just how I look and manipulated me because I am a kind person. Anyhow, I have found that good men are like puppy dogs - they cant do enough for you. So I say will agree with the statement that you have to make them work to have you. Still the length of time you state as being in relationships and then the men hurt you emotionally sounds rather odd. Maybe you are too kind to men who treat you badly? Which would tie in with the abuse you mentioned - because all sorts of cycles can come from being abused. I used to attract the wrong sort of men when deep down I did want someone who could give his heart. Changing my confidence helped, especially with regard to learning how to be 'with myself'. Now I easily spot the men who previously only wanted me because of the way I look and I stay away from the women who were jelous of me and never really cared about me but somehow became my friends. In total, because sex is internal for women I think that we can be more affected when things go wrong. Work on yourself careerwise, re-evaluate your belief system, have friends who have a purpose in your life, find ways to give to others without expecting anything back... be you! Eventually you will be able to put this all down to experience I say. All the very best, Eve xx
Isolde Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 It sounds like you're attractive, but have difficulty setting boundaries. Make guys WORK TO HAVE YOU and they'll be forced to respect you. You have to have a filter to make it impossible for the riff raff to get to you. If you read OP's post more carefully you'd see this isn't her problem.
sumdude Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 I am not a psychologist or anything like that... But considering you have been raped and molested... have you ever seeked any sort of counciling? The men you may be attracting and the things that have happened to you... you might really benefit from seeing and talking things over with an unbiased professional.
Author CandyGirlXO Posted October 26, 2008 Author Posted October 26, 2008 I am not a psychologist or anything like that... But considering you have been raped and molested... have you ever seeked any sort of counciling? The men you may be attracting and the things that have happened to you... you might really benefit from seeing and talking things over with an unbiased professional. Yes I have before. For many years. I know I am probably just attracting the wrong kind of men.
Author CandyGirlXO Posted October 26, 2008 Author Posted October 26, 2008 If you read OP's post more carefully you'd see this isn't her problem. Thank you for clarifying for me Yes I make them work for it. Doesn't help the fact that they all screw me over in the end. Even if it takes years later. I think KMT was right I was having a bad day. Even though I do feel like guys just want to use me and everything I have said here is true. I am still hopeful that one day I will find a good guy.
Author CandyGirlXO Posted October 26, 2008 Author Posted October 26, 2008 If you're dating guys for a good three months before having sex with them- you're obviously more than just a lay. Thanks that's kind of what I thought also. And that's why I hold off sex but when my EX slept with me the night before he dumped me it made me feel like he was using me.
Trialbyfire Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 Yes I have before. For many years. I know I am probably just attracting the wrong kind of men. It might be time for more sessions. What you can do is to discuss with your therapist/counsellor, what impression they get from you. Deliberately select a male therapist/counsellor so he can give you the opposite gender impression. Two separate acts of molestation and a rape would take a lot of time to move beyond. I'm sorry this has happened to you.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Sorry I didn't finish my post. I am not a tease or really even a flirt. I think I was used for sex because he ****ed me then broke up with me the very next day after 2 years. Thrown out like a piece of trash. It really hurts Guys don't try to talk to me about who I am what I like. It's always about sex. They don't see me as a person. I have never had a true guy friend. My friends hate me when we go out because I get the attention and they are mean to me. But they have real conversations with guys, I never do. I have been molested for years by 2 different guys as well. And I have been raped once by a "friend" What can I do? The secrets lie in the distant past... and have very little to do with the boyfriends or sex partners in the present. Getting to know yourself (more objectively) would be such a great help to you. But you have to get pretty vulnerable (with a professional) to accomplish most of that.
carhill Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 OP, do you think a quality man will like you if you don't have sex with him? I'm not saying "hold out" for xxxx, but in general, philosophically? A couple of posters hit on what I think is the issue, which is subconscious signals you send out to other people. I've experimented with this (purely scientifically, of course ) with my wife's girlfriends. I actively think about them in a certain way, even when not in their presence, and observe the results. Since I have long relationships to use as a control, I can tell when they react outside of the norm. It has been very interesting. For you, as has been suggested, some deep IC might help with those thoughts and feelings that you may not even be aware of consciously. TBH, I think it's more than having a "bad day". It's something that's been on your mind for a long time. I have long experience with being a "listener" for someone who has had similar issues and I can tell when it affects someone and I think it's affecting you. I hope you find what you seek
popey Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Candy, jerks tend to be more aggressive than nice guys. I think this is probably b/c they don't really care about rejection- its just a game and their not showing their real selves anyway. So if you talk w/ the jerks, the nice guys will be dissuaded from coming over. If a guy just met you, and is trying to talk to you about sex, dismiss him. If a guy gropes you, there is no excuse for this. Make that clear. You can also tell the bartender. Most places will kick the guy out, or at least tell him to stay away from you. Intentionally groping you is against the law. Also look to your friends to back you up on this. If they do not, you deserve better friends.
Author CandyGirlXO Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 OP, do you think a quality man will like you if you don't have sex with him? I'm not saying "hold out" for xxxx, but in general, philosophically? A couple of posters hit on what I think is the issue, which is subconscious signals you send out to other people. I've experimented with this (purely scientifically, of course ) with my wife's girlfriends. I actively think about them in a certain way, even when not in their presence, and observe the results. Since I have long relationships to use as a control, I can tell when they react outside of the norm. It has been very interesting. For you, as has been suggested, some deep IC might help with those thoughts and feelings that you may not even be aware of consciously. TBH, I think it's more than having a "bad day". It's something that's been on your mind for a long time. I have long experience with being a "listener" for someone who has had similar issues and I can tell when it affects someone and I think it's affecting you. I hope you find what you seek I hold out on sex because I want their to be a relationship there before sex. I want to make sure they like/know me before we take the relationship to the next level. I don't know I thought that if I made a guy wait a while he would have to respect me and not look at me like an easy lay. Is this not true?
Jersey Shortie Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I don't think this is a case of bad luck so much as how you handle yourself and situatoins. No, I don't think you've asked to be treated like a piece of meat but if men keep responding to you in the same way, you need to ask yourself why. You mentioned more then several men who have taken advantage of you. I have been in situations where the guys wanted to do things with me that I didn't, and I told them to back off in words and actions. (And there was a time or two I didn't. ) You can say "no", you have that power. And you can't be a push over. You aren't a victim, you aren't having "bad luck". Because this has been a reacurring theme in your relationships with men. What you can do now is use your past experiences to help you out with future guys. If you see a guy that is similar to your exes, use that experience and steer clear.
Author CandyGirlXO Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 Candy, jerks tend to be more aggressive than nice guys. I think this is probably b/c they don't really care about rejection- its just a game and their not showing their real selves anyway. So if you talk w/ the jerks, the nice guys will be dissuaded from coming over. If a guy just met you, and is trying to talk to you about sex, dismiss him. If a guy gropes you, there is no excuse for this. Make that clear. You can also tell the bartender. Most places will kick the guy out, or at least tell him to stay away from you. Intentionally groping you is against the law. Also look to your friends to back you up on this. If they do not, you deserve better friends. I am waiting for a nice guy Problem is some of the jerks act like they are nice. So I never really know. For now on I am not going to put up with any disrespect and I will stay single no matter how long it takes until I find a decent guy.
carhill Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I don't know I thought that if I made a guy wait a while he would have to respect me and not look at me like an easy lay. Is this not true? This is tough....you can actively think that the man needs to wait and that you're not an "easy lay", but there may still be stuff coming out of you which is not part of your active thought processes. This stuff can give an aware man mixed messages and a man who operates on a more instinctive level the message like "your lips say no but your eyes say yes", for example. My guideline is if you (or I, in my case) identify a behavior or dynamic which is interfering with to formation of healthy relationships, it bears scrutiny. I had a whole bunch of them and was screwing up royally, creating a mess in my marriage, so I got professional help. No panacea, but with understanding comes confidence in behaving in a healthy way.
CommitmentPhobe Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 I am waiting for a nice guy Problem is some of the jerks act like they are nice. So I never really know. For now on I am not going to put up with any disrespect and I will stay single no matter how long it takes until I find a decent guy. Congrats, you just saved $1000 of therapy. We have a winner!
popey Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Candy, You want a man to want you as a whole and equal person, as you should. Just waiting to have sex isn't accomplishing that. Maybe they are thinking, "I behaved in my same old dog way w/ her. She says we have to wait for sex. That's just her game. I'll still get her." Some people have had sex on the first date and lived happily ever after. Others have experiences like you. The unfortunate experiences you have had, may make it difficult for you to identify when someone is regarding you as an object, even if its in the context of a "relationship". Maybe its not so much about "holding out with sex", but about holding out for someone who makes a real effort to know all of you, and to show you all of him.
JohnnyBlaze Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Candy, I think part of the reason you're not finding nice guys is because of the jerks. As is pretty much the consensus here, you're probably downright gorgeous. More often than not, nice guys are intimidated by gorgeous women, and jerks are drawn to them. Nice guys often avoid/are intimidated by jerks, so they stay away. Then the jerks act as though the two of you are madly in love; as much to convince you that you really do want him (even if you don't), this also puts out the "she's with me" vibe to other guys, so even if a nice guy sees you in the same place again, he's likely to still have it in his head that you like the jerk, so he'll leave you alone. It's a compounding issue that just causes problem upon problem...literally. I didn't say it was a rational thought process; you know as well as anyone, when it comes to attraction and love, rationality and reality have very little in common. I just call it as I see it. Although it bucks convention, my recommendation is for you to take the initiative; you make the move on a guy. Although there's still the luck aspect, it'll at least give you more control over the type of guy you meet. When you see a guy you think is nice, YOU go talk to HIM. You still won't be able to escape every jerk from approaching you, but if you go talk to a guy who turns out to be nice, you'll at least negate the first intimidation point (being intimidated by the gorgeous girl). Just expect him to be tongue-tied for a minute or two. Remember, girls get approached all the time; guys don't. So if he says something stupid at first, let it slide. He's using all of his energy to keep from grinning like a complete idiot and doing a little happy dance right there in front of you. (Sorry, no dancing bananas; this was the closest I could find.) Problem is some of the jerks act like they are nice.Just remember, the corollary is true as well; not every guy that looks like bad news is. I'm sure you can guess how I know that stigma!
Jilly Bean Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Candy - how do you present yourself to the world? I know you posted that you regretted your implants, thinking they were too big, and were ready to post pics for everyone to comment on your boobs. This shows me a lack of boundaries, and makes me wonder how you put yourself out there in public. I mean, most women dont get groped consistently without encouraging or condoning the actions. If you see the same patterns emerging in your dating life, then rather than points fingers at others, probably best to use your thumbs, and turn them on yourself.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Candy you are what you think YOU think you are. Men/women are going to say or do whatever they want. They are going to look at you how they wish. They are going to talk about you the way the wish. Now your actions and reactions to these situations are going to either support or disprove people. We are who we make ourselves out to be. Now we can always worry about how others see us and try to wear masks make ourselves appear how everyone else wants to see us, or we can be true to ourselves and only concern ourselves with the things that really matters when it others (that is how we treat those around us). DNR
Author CandyGirlXO Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 Candy - how do you present yourself to the world? I know you posted that you regretted your implants, thinking they were too big, and were ready to post pics for everyone to comment on your boobs. This shows me a lack of boundaries, and makes me wonder how you put yourself out there in public. I mean, most women dont get groped consistently without encouraging or condoning the actions. If you see the same patterns emerging in your dating life, then rather than points fingers at others, probably best to use your thumbs, and turn them on yourself. Excuse me jillybean but you have some facts wrong. Sometimes I do regret my implants but NO I do not walk in somewhere and flaunt my breasts. Nor did I ever post pics on her for all to see. I said PM me if you want to see a CLOTHED pic. Yes I get grabbed. In the mall, at a bar, yelled out walking down the street. Doesn't matter what I am wearing.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Candy, just ignore it or dress up like an Arab woman. This is life, people love beauty and some have to touch it and comment on it when ever they find it. DNR
Jilly Bean Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Excuse me jillybean but you have some facts wrong. Sometimes I do regret my implants but NO I do not walk in somewhere and flaunt my breasts. Nor did I ever post pics on her for all to see. I said PM me if you want to see a CLOTHED pic. Yes I get grabbed. In the mall, at a bar, yelled out walking down the street. Doesn't matter what I am wearing. Thats not what I said. I said you posted that you regretted them, thinking they were too big, and that you did offer to show pics of them so people could offer comments. Not sure why you are getting so defensive, as this is what you did. But again, it makes sense. You don't seem to like to own your behaviors. Still, women dont go around their days getting groped by strangers. I have some phenomenally hot friends (one in particular) who NEVER gets disrespected like this in public. I honestly have never heard of this happening to a woman, and I can only imagine the vibe being projected to invite such actions. You need to take a look at how you present and carry yourself. Clearly this is your disconnect.
Author CandyGirlXO Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 Thanks for the advice! I have been told that before...that I NEED to pick the guy I like and initiate. I am working on that but I am VERY shy so that does make it hard for me. I guess it's normal to not want to be rejected but I have never put myself out there. I just wait for them to initiate and then yes I get the jerks. I definately need a higher self-esteem so that I can walk up to a guy I like. Candy, I think part of the reason you're not finding nice guys is because of the jerks. As is pretty much the consensus here, you're probably downright gorgeous. More often than not, nice guys are intimidated by gorgeous women, and jerks are drawn to them. Nice guys often avoid/are intimidated by jerks, so they stay away. Then the jerks act as though the two of you are madly in love; as much to convince you that you really do want him (even if you don't), this also puts out the "she's with me" vibe to other guys, so even if a nice guy sees you in the same place again, he's likely to still have it in his head that you like the jerk, so he'll leave you alone. It's a compounding issue that just causes problem upon problem...literally. I didn't say it was a rational thought process; you know as well as anyone, when it comes to attraction and love, rationality and reality have very little in common. I just call it as I see it. Although it bucks convention, my recommendation is for you to take the initiative; you make the move on a guy. Although there's still the luck aspect, it'll at least give you more control over the type of guy you meet. When you see a guy you think is nice, YOU go talk to HIM. You still won't be able to escape every jerk from approaching you, but if you go talk to a guy who turns out to be nice, you'll at least negate the first intimidation point (being intimidated by the gorgeous girl). Just expect him to be tongue-tied for a minute or two. Remember, girls get approached all the time; guys don't. So if he says something stupid at first, let it slide. He's using all of his energy to keep from grinning like a complete idiot and doing a little happy dance right there in front of you. (Sorry, no dancing bananas; this was the closest I could find.) Just remember, the corollary is true as well; not every guy that looks like bad news is. I'm sure you can guess how I know that stigma!
Vertex Posted October 27, 2008 Posted October 27, 2008 Most girls I know personally who share this problem tend to give off subconscious cues. I'm not saying "blame yourself!" per se, but rather try to be more conscious of how you interact with men. Even if it's just attributable to bad luck, it's always a good idea to be firm and really hold out until you find someone who you know is not using you.
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