To the MM/MW's....or whoever....what keeps you married?

[KismetGirl]

I'm a little surprised that no one yet has posted the reply I think is obvious. Marriages go through many ups and downs, over the years they can reinvent themselves , years of one stage, then another. Just like any one person's lifetime. The marriage is an entity of its own, experience, tragedy, good times, come and go - evolving.

I think many affairs start during a low. A mature partner that does not wish to leave the marriage may give reasons like the kids, finances, etc. Or that they dont have romantic or physical feelings for their spouse - OR some other reason they are not happy that they cannot quite put their finger on. But they know that this maybe , just possibly, is a temporary thing. They would like and prefer to be happy with the marriage.

 

Im sure this may be true in some cases, where an affair is started in a "low", but in my case I dont think he ever had that supposed spark he said he craved so much. He started this thing with me maybe a little under 2 years into his marriage, which is really not that long to be married. He was otherwise happy, they only had one daughter, no money troubles like they do now, both of them were working. And now its been going on 4 years, even through a period of NC in which I encouraged him to work on his marriage, when he said he and his wife had decided they had "thinks to discuss" about their marriage. I guess those discussions didnt work very well. Here he is back again.....

[KismetGirl]

Maybe you are on to something here. Because of the emotional and financial burdens of a marriage are better if can work it out as opposed to ending it.

 

So the simple idea of "hope" and that it will just get better?

 

One lady I work with would agree with you. She did not get divorced until the pain of staying was more then the hope that it would get better.

 

 

But how many wasted years are you supposed to sit there "hoping" , exactly? How long of your limited life do you sit there waiting and waiting, until one day you wake up and youre 50 years old, and lets be honest, options dwindle as you get older?

[CajunPassion]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT][COLOR=#ffcc00][FONT=Arial][sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#000000]I wanted to add something to 2sure's post about the ups and downs. Struggling with the same question what is keeping me married, I've come accross some research about the different stages that a relationship goes through, and hoped to share with those who might find some food for thought in it. I know as a newbie to the forums, Im sure its been said time and time again, but thought I'd chime in anyhow.[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#ffcc00][FONT=Arial][sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#000000][/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#ffcc00][FONT=Arial][sIZE=3][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#000000] C&P'd from "[/COLOR][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=#ffcc00][FONT=Arial][sIZE=3]http://www.relationship-institute.com/freearticles_detail.cfm?article_ID=153"[/sIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]

<H1 style="MARGIN: auto 0in; TEXT-ALIGN: center" align=center><SPAN>[COLOR=#ffcc00][FONT=Arial]The Stages of Committed Relationships[/FONT][/COLOR]<SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: #ffcc00; FONT-FAMILY: Arial">

[2sure]

How long someone will hope or wait for the marriage to get better....I guess that would depend on what percentage of the marriage wasnt good and how much of it was good. A spouse that strays absolutely has to justify to him or herself, the betrayal. But in their heart, only they know if the reasons are strong enough to make a change. The WS may believe that at some point they can fix the marriage when they are so inclined to do so. I think that when/if they decide to make a change, the first thing they will attempt is to repair the marriage. We see this time and time again when a BS has finally had enough and the WS then wants to stay with the marriage. Often, the OM/OW gets caught in the turmoil of being the last resort. It sucks.

[CajunPassion]

Wow.. I obviously am having issues posting. Please forgive me! Let me try again

 

I wanted to add something to 2sure's post about the ups and downs. Struggling with the same question what is keeping me married, I've come accross some research about the different stages that a relationship goes through, and hoped to share with those who might find some food for thought in it. I know as a newbie to the forums, Im sure its been said time and time again, but thought I'd chime in anyhow

 

I can't post the entire report here, but you can find it at this link... http://www.relationship-institute.com/freearticles_detail.cfm?article_ID=153

 

I apologize this for being my first (erm.. 2nd) post! I’ve been a lurker for a couple of weeks now and have gotten much insight and encouragement from what people have written as it relates to my situation with my H and OM. I will post my story soon!

[pkn06002]

CajunPassion,

Thanks for the link I have read that in the past. What is depressing is once you hit the re-evaluate stage from that point on is settling.

 

Boy maybe my sister is the smart one with not getting married.

[invman]

SO I guess that's just how it is in life, then. People will stay in unhappy marriages because its more convenient for everyone. I guess that's what I figured....giving it all up in the name of love never seemed like something done outside of the movies....guess it doesn't matter how MM feels about me then.....three small kids, a wife he does care about (if not romantically, but still, he does care about her), a house he works hard to maintain, comfortable family ties and relationships and friendships....

 

I guess it takes something really awful, a rally horrid spouse, to really want to leave them. otherwise yuo just go through the rest of your life with a "blah" feeling when it comes to your spouse.

 

I just wonder....once the kids are grown....and its just you and your wife forced to acknowledge each other instead of like when the kids were little and all the focus was on them all the time....won't it be depressing to think you might have missed out on being truly in love with someone?

 

I guess that's what I keep aspiring to....I've seen it before....my step father's parents for instance.....they were both married to their first spouses when they met, they had an affair that lasted for years, my step father was conceived during this affair, they didnt tell anyone who the real father was for years., that it was the lover and not her current spouse.....eventually they both divorced their spouses and married each other.....pissed off their kids, their families, you name it....but at the end of the day, when he was dying of cancer at the age of 82 it was she who was besides him. I remember meeting my step dad's parents when they were both alive and thinking, wow, here's a couple that are in their late 70's who just LOOK at each other like they still love each other with a passion I barely see in most couples my own age. Yes, intensity can ebb and flow, but passion is seperate from sexual lust. passion for someone, when its' real, doesn't die away, no matter how many diapers and fights and mundane daily activities you had to go throguh. At this man's funeral, I sat in this church watching everyone, and I never cried until I looked at his widow. The look on her face, and her face alone, was one that was incomparable to even the looks of sadness on his adult children's faces. It was when I looked at her that I saw someone who had just lost a piece of their own soul when that other person passed away. This couple, who had had an affair and caused so much upset, they loved each other until the day that man died. And their kids grew up fine, and normally adjusted, and everyone adjusted in the end.

 

I guess in the moment its hard to imagine that everything will work out. Maybe Im wrong for wanting to not settle for less than this type of passion for another human being, but I know it exists and I understand why people stay in marriages that are only lukewarm, because its easier to stay in comfort than to risk all that stability for an unkown, and maybe Im a hopeless romantic, but you only have one life, right? *sigh*

 

I guess Im just dreaming, again. Pardon the rambling, its too early....

 

KismetGirl,

 

I understand where you're coming from exactly. It's what has been haunting me endlessly for some time now - especially lately: the idea of waking up ten or fifteen years from now and wondering what could have been if only I had been with someone different, someone better for me, someone who was more passionate and that I could be more passionate about, etc... I'm torn between the dream for that kind of love - which I know is possible - and the responsibilities, expectations, fears, cares, etc. of my current life/marriage.

 

It's not either or. For me it's both. And it tortures me even to the point of depression.

[invman]

Yep, I think you just about summed it up. Though its so frustrating to read this from the increasing numbers of MM who turn up on the board: You don't even want a romantic relationship with your W any longer, but you stay because it looks right from the point of view of the kid/s (amongst other things).

 

Only your very intelligent little daughter is going to grow up realising that things are not at all right between Mummy and Daddy. You do know that, don't you?

 

Sorry, not meaning to have a go at you. You've posted your heartfelt reasons and thought patterns. I actually feel sorry for all concerned in situations like this, because it's not easy.

 

Who would have thought there were so many men out there to whom life 'just happens'..? No one wants to be their OW, and if they knew the truth, the W wouldn't want to be a part of it either. And for what?

 

Oh yes. She already knows something is not quite right - especially when the fighting spills out into the open. My heart breaks for her when she hears it. I know it disturbs her. But she'll be equally if not more disturbed by a divorce, having her concept of family and foundation shattered, living in separate houses. At one point I was over the fear for her and prepared to coach her through it when my W and I discussed separation but it never happened and now I'm back to fearing it. Who likes to see their children upset?

[invman]

But how many wasted years are you supposed to sit there "hoping" , exactly? How long of your limited life do you sit there waiting and waiting, until one day you wake up and youre 50 years old, and lets be honest, options dwindle as you get older?

 

 

My fear exactly - except I'm pretty d*mn sure it's not going to get any better than this. At least not much better anyway. I've been disatisfied with the marriage since year two - and we're working on the eighth right now.

 

If we didn't have a daughter, I'd swallow the disaproval of others, along with the fear of losing my W friendship and just go for the divorce. My daughter is the variable in all of it.

[frannie]

Oh yes. She already knows something is not quite right - especially when the fighting spills out into the open. My heart breaks for her when she hears it. I know it disturbs her. But she'll be equally if not more disturbed by a divorce, having her concept of family and foundation shattered, living in separate houses. At one point I was over the fear for her and prepared to coach her through it when my W and I discussed separation but it never happened and now I'm back to fearing it. Who likes to see their children upset?

 

No one likes to see their children upset.

 

You mention your little girl's 'concept of family'. The concept of family you're demonstrating to her now is one in which 'fighting spills out into the open'. Imagine her in the future, in her own relationship, with only this concept as her baseline. She has no model for how to end or repair a bad relationship because you're not giving her one. All you're showing her is how to have an unhappy marriage, and remain stuck in one because of misplaced obligations (imho).

 

You are imagining an ideal: she is witnessing the reality, and taking her lessons from what she sees.

[jwi71]

Oh yes. She already knows something is not quite right - especially when the fighting spills out into the open. My heart breaks for her when she hears it. I know it disturbs her. But she'll be equally if not more disturbed by a divorce, having her concept of family and foundation shattered, living in separate houses. At one point I was over the fear for her and prepared to coach her through it when my W and I discussed separation but it never happened and now I'm back to fearing it. Who likes to see their children upset?

 

What breaks my heart is how your daughter suffers while you two argue and bicker. What kind of home is that? A home should be safe and comforting to a child - not one where she fears "the next upcoming fight".

 

You and your daughter are far better served in a happy home w/o your H than in a home where her anxiety level is off the charts. There are plenty of well adjusted and "normal" children that come from divorced families.

 

Honestly...why do you stay when you are so unhappy and you drag your unwitting daughter through the mud too?

[frannie]

What breaks my heart is how your daughter suffers while you two argue and bicker. What kind of home is that? A home should be safe and comforting to a child - not one where she fears "the next upcoming fight".

 

You and your daughter are far better served in a happy home w/o your H than in a home where her anxiety level is off the charts. There are plenty of well adjusted and "normal" children that come from divorced families.

 

Honestly...why do you stay when you are so unhappy and you drag your unwitting daughter through the mud too?

 

Not wishing to answer for the person addressed, but he is the H and not the W. Which makes it a totally different kettle of fish. If the MM leaves, he's not the one who gets to live happily ever after with the children in their home... he's the one packing his case and seeing them every other weekend.

[jwi71]

Not really frannie. If it's a tense home environment, get out. I think staying, from either parent's perspective, does a disservice to the child. So to stay is really quite selfish and counterproductive for all involved, in my eyes anyway.

[frannie]

Not really frannie. If it's a tense home environment, get out. I think staying, from either parent's perspective, does a disservice to the child. So to stay is really quite selfish and counterproductive for all involved, in my eyes anyway.

 

I don't disagree with that (see my earlier posts )

 

I was commenting that you said in your post that invman would be better off without 'his' H, alone at home with the child, and that wasn't going to be the case.

[OWoman]

If the MM leaves, he's not the one who gets to live happily ever after with the children in their home... he's the one packing his case and seeing them every other weekend.

 

OTC - that depends on the situation. In my case, MM has the kids (well, most of the time...) and his BW gets the "every other weekend" bit. And we're in a far cooler house than she is .

 

"MM leaving" does not automatically equate to "losing (enough time with) the kids". My MM is the primary parent, and I know countless other similar cases.

[Holding-On]

H and I were separated for three years and each had other people in our lives. Then, something terrible happened and he and I realized that when you strip away the romance, sex and roses, it is what is underneath that, that you count on. Anyone can fall in love, have great sex, and have a grand romance - but who is really going to be there for you when things really go wrong? When you lose your job and nearly all your income? When you get struck with cancer and are basically disabled for most of a year? When your kid gets seriously ill and you need someone who is family to rely on - not just your lover?

 

Who have you grown with emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally? Who was there at the beginning? Who helped you create your children? Who would be there for you when your lover spurns you?

 

H and I decided to stay married for these reasons and more. OW and OM let us down in ways that we wouldn't even consider letting each other down. Love, sex, and romance only take you so far - and with all that stuff comes jealousy, pettiness, temper, anger, etc. Passion in general.

 

Say what you will about a marriage without that passion (negative or positive), but I can tell you this: passion is the thread which breaks in comparison to the family ropes that hold fast.

 

A lot of MM/MW simply won't leave because they know deep down that they would be giving up a secure thing for something a little less secure - something unknown. An OW and OM can say "I will love you forever, and be in love with you, and show you the greatest sex you have ever known" but MM/MW will be thinking deep down: what if I sh*t myself, am covered with vomit, and need help getting to the bathroom? What if I become senile? What if I become sexually dysfunctional? What if I slip and cheat again? Will you still be with me then? I KNOW H or W will, but OW/OM? Not so sure.

 

OW/OM provides the heights of perceived 'good', but its the uncertainty of how they would handle the lows of perceived 'bad' that keeps them married a lot of the time.

 

 

This is excellent.

 

In my case I'm in an open marriage but it is exactly this. If my husband were to be as sick as described, I would take care of him. We are in this marriage for the long haul and the family ties and all the trials of life. My husband accepts me completely.

 

In fact even though the sex, although good and frequent at this point, and romance are there between us, it is exactly that they are so very secondary in importance. I know how solid I am in my husband's love. I just do not feel jealousy. I want my husband to have more passion and love in his life. These things are fleeting.

 

Someday we will both be attractive to noone but we will love each other still.

[LucreziaBorgia]

 

In my case I'm in an open marriage but it is exactly this.

 

We started out in an open marriage too. Unfortunately some balances tipped and not to our marriage's favor, so the 'open' part opened right up into an actual separation, and very nearly a divorce. I feel very lucky we reconnected.