AnonyMOUSE18 Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 Hey all, I met a guy who liked me immensely, and I liked him, too. We jumped into a relationship, and got sexual very fast. We were both eager to find sexual satisfaction with each other, but then after a week, we both started to feel strange. (We were having a lot of sex, and didn't know each other that well yet - but we did like each other a LOT - neither of us are the type to fall into bed with people so quickly, normally....) We suddenly realized that we went far too fast. I was officially divorced from a 4 year marriage (8 year relationship) about 5 months ago (husband left 1.2 years ago) and he thought I was trying to make him my husband-replacement. I thought he was being a little distant and weird, and I was getting resentful about always having to feed him and do errands for him, when we still barely knew each other. So, after 2 weeks of intensity, we were both feeling weird, and decided to break up. It was somewhat tortured, because we both still really liked each other, it just got messed up because we went too fast, without knowing each other well enough. He said he wanted to "try again" with me, but "not for a while." It's been 1.6 months. I finally called him on a Sunday night, and he seemed really happy to talk to me. I was embarrassed about being the one to break the no-contact time/space, and so I was trying to get off the phone quickly...but he kept asking questions and talking, despite me saying, "Well, I should go..." several times. We're facebook friends, and I admit that I've paid attention to his activities on there. He's still single and doesn't seem to be looking to date anyone new. (We met on okcupid, and he hasn't been active on there since we broke up.) According to facebook, he's been working a ton, and hanging out with his guy friends playing various video and role playing games. Anyway, so - I went through cycles of emotions when we broke up: a little anger, sadness, etc. Now, I look at what we did, and think about knowing him better now...and how much I miss him. He sounded so warm on the phone. His voice reminded me of when we were together, and how tender we were, especially in the first week, before we started feeling weird about rushing in. My question: How long is "a while?" Do you think we should "try again?" He had been looking for someone for a long time when he met me, and hadn't had sex in 1.5 years....which made him extra eager to jump into sex. I had just come out of two relationships that were sexless, and was feeling sexually eager, too - so that played into us feeling the urge to have lots of sex very soon, because we felt strongly about each other. What now? Should I lay off, and wait until he contacts me? Or should I wait a week or so, and then call him again and see what's going on? Should I forget about it and move on? There seems to be potential here, but I'm a bit frustrated that he hasn't called me. It's been less than a week since I called him after 1.6 months of silence - perhaps I should give it more time, allowing him to be able to call me. What do you all think? We have a lot in common, and had a good time together. What should I do next? Wait, or take action???
BikerBeagle Posted October 25, 2008 Posted October 25, 2008 He's the one that said "a while" so it's up to him to define what it means. My suggestion is to wait it out ...maybe a couple of weeks. You made the first move by contacting him - letting him know you are still thinking about him - and now the ball is in his court. Regardless, you should not concentrate on this one relationship; otherwise, you will likely fall into the same situation of going too fast if/when he does call.
Author AnonyMOUSE18 Posted October 25, 2008 Author Posted October 25, 2008 Yeah, I think you're absolutely right. I detest waiting around, though! I guess that means I'm not going to wait around. =) I did send him a facebook message, asking what he's going to be for Halloween. Does that count as contact? I'm pretty sure he reads my profile on there (I totally read his) because he seemed unsurprised by some of my news when we were on the phone. (And one news item was rather shocking!) So, what about facebook messages? Harmless? Bad?
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted October 26, 2008 Posted October 26, 2008 He knows you are interested, so I would just wait and see. There's not a lot you can do here, unfortunately. As far as Facebook messages, I see now harm in that, but why would you want to send him a message before he contacts you back?
Author AnonyMOUSE18 Posted October 26, 2008 Author Posted October 26, 2008 Well, I thought maybe that Halloween would be a good time to hang out again. I love Halloween, and I know he's into it, too. He hasn't responded to my facebook message. He didn't used to respond to facebook messages back when we were dating, either. Who knows whether it means anything, or not. I had asked him what he was being for Halloween, and what his plans were. Knowing him, he doesn't have any idea what his plans are, or if he's going to dress up or not. Anyway, no matter what, I think I need to lay off thinking about him / this, and let things go as they will. He might just need more time. Knowing him, that is likely the case. He was happy to hear from me, but still isn't ready to date me again. That's the vibe I got. I need to respect that. Also, I have plenty of self-work to do in the meantime. Time and space can only do good things for me, I think - as much as I would love to have a warm man to snuggle with. I'm still healing and recovering from my divorce. I don't yearn over my ex-husband anymore, at all, but I definitely need to strengthen my self-esteem and personal fortitude. I don't want to feel like I need or want a boyfriend. I want to get beyond that. Only then will I really be whole and healthy enough for a positive relationship - and, ironically, I will no longer feel like such a thing is necessary. Life is nuts, isn't it?
Author AnonyMOUSE18 Posted October 27, 2008 Author Posted October 27, 2008 I'm trying to keep myself from feeling upset that he didn't write back to my facebook message. He never responded to them when we were dating, either - but what the hell? He wrote back to my facebook messages a couple of times a few weeks ago, however, and now...nothing! It was a very blase message about feeling excited about Halloween, what my costume is, and asking what his costume is going to be. I also included him on my enormous Halloween party evite. I invited my whole department, and tons of other friends - he knows I have big parties and invite everyone, so hopefully getting the evite won't look like an effort to contact him in any serious way. Facebook kinda drives me nuts. I guess I need to stop peeping at his profile, because his lack of activity just makes me wonder what he's been up to. I think I need to just chill, but facebook is kindof an obsession of mine....
Melovator Posted October 28, 2008 Posted October 28, 2008 Hey Scraggle!!! :love:(Have a triple chocolate muffin!) Don't contact him, leave him be. So easy to say I know! And don't look at his profile... resist the urge! Because how sexy is someone who fb stalks you? Not sexy... I understand that facebook is digital heroin... I really do ... but don't go looking at his profile just to see who's written on his wall lately... when you feel that urge- turn off the computer!!!! And PM me!!
Author AnonyMOUSE18 Posted October 29, 2008 Author Posted October 29, 2008 Hi Melovator!!! *BIG HUG* *throws muffin-shaped confetti* :love::love::love: You are SO RIGHT!!! I mean, not much happens with him on fb anyway, so it's just silly to keep looking at it. I seriously want to call him again, it's ridiculous. I guess I should just chill, right? It's that cold time of year when I love having a guy's arm to curl up with. He was very snuggly. I miss that! I basically just want to start out slowly and casually, and see where things go between us. I have no idea what he wants to do. He's probably not ready yet, and me pummeling him with the question isn't going to help matters. Time flies by, and once I detach from it, I will be much more pleasantly surprised when he may come along again. NC is hard, though! I wish we could be once-a-week or so phone buddies, and stay in touch that way. Would it be lame to propose such a thing, to him? Thanks for the advice, Melovator!!! You always have great insights!!!! *hug hug hug* :love:
Melovator Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Insightful moi? I try... sometimes I succeed, sometimes I have no freaking clue lol! I have a friend (male) and everytime I update my fb status he comments, if I take a quizz he takes it, add an app and he adds it, put up photos, he comments- even if he has no clue of who is in the picture! He also sends me crap requests using those 'gift' apps which I now just ignore because seriously I'm not accepting some virtual underwear from someone who I wouldn't let see my real stuff! lol. Now I was never attracted to this guy (have known him for years we used to do volunteer work at the same place) but if I had even slightly been attracted- his fb attentions would have turned me right off. All I can think is that fb stalking someone is a good way to do your head in... and waste important study time... dammit why won't essays write themselves??
Author AnonyMOUSE18 Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 Yeah, I totally know what you mean about overzealous facebook users. I hate getting bombarded with requests and comments from the same person all the time, unless they are a super close friend and amusing enough to always be doing something of substance. Luckily, I've just been watching my ex's activities, and not posting anything. I definitely put up my own status updates quite frequently, though. Sometimes I think of funny ones in the shower, and I can't wait to put them up!! I'm sorta the queen of weird / funny / batty status updates!!! I think he might read mine, actually, because on the phone he didn't sound surprised when I told him about a harrowing incident that had happened to my department recently. Anyway, I think you are right - a decrease in the amount of time I spend obsessing over facebook would be good. My friend Justin always says that if you make yourself more scarce, your stock will go up....hehehe. There is some truth to that, I think. Thanks again for your thoughts!! You ARE insightful!!! Hugs, Hilarie
Author AnonyMOUSE18 Posted November 13, 2008 Author Posted November 13, 2008 I finally couldn't stand it anymore, and I called him. I asked him some questions about zombies (lol) because we talked about zombie movies in my class today and I wanted to see what he thought. Then I asked if he wanted to hang out sometime. He sounded hesitant, and said, to do what? I said, I dunno. Maybe see a movie or something? He said, "well yeah, all I've done for the past few months is work and hang out occasionally with guy friends. There were supposed to be girls at my friend's Halloween party, but none of them showed up. I need to get out of the house." That made it sound like he was lukewarm about seeing me, so I said, "well, if you'd prefer not to - it's fine, I don't want to force you." He said, "No, it would be good to go out and do something." Then I said, "It would just be as friends...I just started seeing someone." He said, "Oh, yeah, I meant as friends. I think anything further between us would be a mistake." I said, "Yeah, I don't know - I've gone back and forth about it. I honestly don't know." He then said, "I mean, for the time being - right now - that's what I think." Why do guys do that? This is the second guy that has added in the "maybe later, not the right time" to dating me - and I HATE it. I think said again, "If you'd prefer not to see me...." and he got irritated and said, "Didn't I JUST SAY that I'd like to get out of the house?!" I was like, "Yeah, I know, okay." Then it was awkward, and he said he'd call me Sunday when he got his new work schedule and knew whether he'd be free that night. Barf. I don't even want to go, now! Today I was comparing him in my head with the new guy I'm seeing, and I'm like, wow - they are light years different in terms of maturity and career, despite being similar ages. (the new guy is, like me, a 2nd year in a PhD program...while the "in a while" guy still hasn't finished college and has bouts of laziness.) They're both very smart, but the new guy has his head on straight, as far as being together and knowing what he's doing with his life, being independent, and taking care of himself. I did have pretty darn good chemistry with the "in a while" guy, though, and I miss his affection. I haven't kissed the new guy, yet, though - and sometimes sexual compatibility doesn't become entirely clear until you make out. Heh. So, I guess I got my answer from the "in a while" guy. Honestly, it's probably a blessing, because the new guy is a better option. I'm just sad because I'd been kinda looking forward to dating the "in a while" guy again sometime..... Grrrr. Dating is hard. *pouts*
Author AnonyMOUSE18 Posted November 29, 2008 Author Posted November 29, 2008 Well, he never called me. So, that's done, I guess? What's up with his, "for right now" qualifier? BARF. I know I need to leave this whole thing along now, possibly forever. Hopefully we can hang out at SOME POINT later on - maybe in 6 months - and see if the chemistry between us is still there. Perhaps that's what he's after, or thinking is preferable to us seeing each other now, when clearly I'm still too eager for the whole thing to start from neutral ground. It's entirely possible that I'm thinking far too much about this guy for what happened between us - this seems to be common in post-divorce situations, like mine. How can I tell? I have dated so, so much since my divorce. (a little over a year ago he left, divorce finalized in April / May) How do I know whether something is still on the level of a rebound, now? I feel like I rebounded and rebounded and rebounded off rebounds - hoping that I could heal quickly, and be fine - and now I'm confused. I'm not seeing anyone right now, and it actually has been a relief. A nice respite from drama! I think I should continue boldly in that vein, not seeking anyone new - just being me and trying to recapture the confidence and joy I had before the whole divorce happened. I think I get closer to this ever day, but the progress tends to slow down when I enmesh myself in new dramas with dating.... Okay, so, I'm ultimately writing this to ask you guys what you think about this guy and his behavior. Is this a stupid question? He obviously doesn't want to see me or talk to me right now, or he'd have called. He doesn't really know what he ultimately wants with me, so he just wants to increase time and space between us right now. He's leaving the future somewhat open. Is this an accurate description of what his behavior communicates??? Thanks for any and all input. Hugs to all, Hilarie
spookie Posted November 29, 2008 Posted November 29, 2008 If he plays a lot of DND you're probably going to have to do most of the chasing.
Author AnonyMOUSE18 Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 He totally plays tons of D & D, and various other games like Magic: The Gathering and Xbox rpg games. The thing is, I WANT TO PLAY TOO!! I don't think he's aware of how much I love that stuff. I've been wanting to hang out and play that stuff with him. I should have said THAT on the phone with him, instead of "playing it cool" and suggesting a movie. I really do just want to hang out with him, play games together, and have FUN. I feel like I can't contact him now, though. Should I call him anyway, and suggest games? Why does there have to be all these rules about contacting people? We only dated for 2 weeks, and yes, we jumped into sex and almost daily contact, and yes, it got weird, but what the hell - that was in late August / early September. It seems like we should be able to just HANG OUT by now. I like staying friends with my exes! I admit that it would also be nice to make out with him, but I'm not as relationship-starved as he thinks I am. (perhaps because I acted like I was!) Barf!
Star Gazer Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 If he plays a lot of DND you're probably going to have to do most of the chasing. Is that generally true of gamers? I have no experience in that arena...just curious.
spookie Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Is that generally true of gamers? I have no experience in that arena...just curious. I guess it depends on how hardcore/ nerdy they are. I think typically gamers fall into two groups: those who have lives outside their games, and those who don't. The ones who do generally can level with normal people. They ones who don't I think would like to (or at least would like relationships with attractive girls, esp. ones interested in exploring their interests) but usually have no idea how to. Just my .02 though.
Author AnonyMOUSE18 Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 I think you're right, spookie. And this guy? Falls into the "no life but wishes he had a girl to bang" category. He's kinda lame. I don't know why I even am thinking about him so much. It seemed like there was some potential there, and I hate nipping stuff in the bud before it has time to bloom into something. Oh well, I'm going to defriend him on facebook and delete him from my phone. He can call ME if he wants to hang out! *hands on hips*
Author AnonyMOUSE18 Posted November 30, 2008 Author Posted November 30, 2008 I just defriended him. Hallelujah!!
Gremio Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Why would you care if he called you at this point? You even said you don't know what you saw in him. Forget about him! It's very obvious he is weak or a loner based on what you said about him responding to your date idea.
berrieh Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 This one was never gonna bloom, or it would have. Gotta face it. As far as gamers go, I have had some chase me. Depends on how social they are and how interested. They need hints, but you gave this guy plenty of hints... You were even together. He said "Not now" because he didn't want to lose out forever in case there was nothing better.
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